sugarangel

Btw..... The ride service I just got doesnt't cover na meetings, the grocery, or things like that. Just med appts and pharmacy.
Just wanted to clarify that.
Also forgot to mention I am working on getting a ride service that takes you anywhere. No restrictions. I also picked up papers to volunteer at the animal shelter here. And, I am looking into a bakery internship at a place right down the road from me.
Oh, and I also am going to put in an app at a little cigar shop nearby. They always need people. I just have to chill on some of this stuff until I am physically more capable. Meaning, after this round of wds.
Which will be my last.
At some point, there always has to be a last.

sugarangel

Quick update.....Kay called and said she is picking me up in the morning to go to a meeting. She said, no excuses, just be ready to go.
Yes, ma'am.

Dee74

Good friends to have sugarangel

D

Marcus

I am glad you decided to reach out Sugar. Good things can happen when you do. AA or NA or both would be a great start. They both have the same solution and the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop. Just show up and dont use or drink one day at a time. At AA I introduce myself as an alcoholic and at NA an addict. Same difference as far as I am concerned. It is good to find and make connections with as many people as you can who have what you want. It is up to you to show up and be honest of course. Your sobriety should not be tied to what another person does or does not do. Again dont think too much. Just breathe and stay in the moment. Take Care and have a great day!!! :-)

OpioPhobe

Sugar - it is great to hear that you reached out to your new friend. There are people out there that care about you, and want to help you.

I'll admit that I am a little jealous of Kay...lol. I have been putting my name on phone lists for quite a while now, and no one has ever called me! You are likely helping her as much as she is helping you.

Marcus

That is funny Opio! I have been putting my name on phone lists and new comer packets for years. I would say maybe 1 out of every 100 I get a call. I am jealous of Kay too! What makes her so special? (kidding)

Sugar I am sure she was very happy that you called. We seriously don't give out those numbers for our health. For every person (like yourself) who actually picks up the phone there are 99 others who probably stared at a phone list, but were too scared to use it. In the future don't think just dial - you will be glad you did. Let us know how it is going (good, bad, or indifferent).

sugarangel

I just wrote a huge post and lost the whole damn thing!! I hate it when that happens.
I will fill you guys in on everything later because I just got home, and I am starving, and I need to take the dog out, but I just HAD to tell you guys how amazing everything went!! Kay is awesome, and she introduced me to a lot of people. It felt like going to a completely different meeting!! Everyone was super kind and friendly and they made me feel really welcome. I didn't feel like such an outsider this time.
Not having my mom around helped tremendously too. I hate to say it, but I was calmer and happier going into that meeting because she wasn't outside, sitting in the car, looming like a dark shadow over everything.
Anyways, things went great, and I have a little story to share, and I will do that later. I want to thank all of you for keeping on me about getting to meetings. You were all right. It is the best thing I could have done, and I am very grateful you all kept pushing me gently in this direction.
Ok, gotta run, but I will write more soon. I feel just really good about how everything went. Hey!! I finally have something positive to share!! I like that!!
I know I still owe some people some pms, and I promise I didn't forget. Just been a really rough week. At least it had a happy ending.
I feel absofreakinlutely like I am exactly where I NEED to be right now.
I feel hope.
Love you guys lots.

sugarangel

Oh yeah, and OP and Marcus, I got to put my phone number on the list today!! How cool is that!!

IvanMike

Glad you're still alive SA. Glad to hear you're on the right track

finaltime

Hey hey!!! How is everyone today on this fine sunday? Lazy day here.. yesterday I ran a volleyball clinic from 9-12 then the rest of the day hung at the pool with friends. SO nice to have to people come to my place and hang out. Bring their kids as well. I never ever would do that kind of stuff if I was using. It's 83 here today in Arizona.. that time of year where its beautiful out!!!

How is everyone? sugar I loved hearing you be so positive about the meetings. I swear they are amazing, free, and you get to have good connection with others that have the same goals. To be clean and sober.

On spring break this week. Going to relax, work out, hit a meeting or two.. hang with friends.

Love you all!

teatreeoil007

Glad you enjoying wonderful weather, finaltime and having some nice time!! Stick with it, you're doing great, it sounds like. Hmmmm. Today, I can dream of sunshine.....it's gray and rainy here, but it's not affecting negatively me much today and things feel leveled out, sort of like. I'm motivated and inspired and that's half the battle.

teatreeoil007

Sounds good Sugar. Good job. Oh man, I hate when I lose long posts like that too. Frustrating! My lap top is fairly new and I like it...it was a gift from my hubby, so I'm thankful for it, but man is it a touchy little bugger. Things pop up or accidentally get lost if I'm not careful about the touching the keys and what not. Anyways, you sound good and I am glad to hear you've connected with Kay. Will look forward to the story you're going to share.

OpioPhobe

Sugar - how are things going with you? I was just thinking about you. Hope things are getting better.

sugarangel

Hey guys,
Oh man, I am so sorry I haven't posted in a few. Things have just been so crazy here. I had to stop using again, so I have been going through mad wds People have been calling from NA to check on me, make sure I am ok. I have been going to meetings, too, guys!! Can you believe it?? Since I met Kay I have been to like 3 meetings in the last 4 days!! Something like that. I have another meeting and therapy tomorrow. Kay won't let me slide. At first, she asked me to meeting, but after seeing how bad I isolate and procrastinate, she doesn't ask anymore. Like today, for instance, she called and just said to be ready at 11:30. She gives me no chance to make an excuse. And, if I try, she just says she's heard it all before, and to get up and get prettified!! I like that so much. That is exactly what I need. To do what I'm told, and not be allowed to get away with my ********. Awesome!!.
So, I think I may have a line on a sponsor. I met her husband the other day at a meeting, and he is really nice, but totally no nonsense. He kinda scared me, and I would never have approached him, but Kay said you gotta meet him, so she introduced us. Come to find out, he and his wife have been clean for 24 years!! They got clean together, and have stayed clean together, and their story is really cool. Anyway, she sponsors, and so I might get hooked up with her. I am going to hopefully get her number this week and give her a call, cuz I was told you have to call them, and not the other way around. But, if she would be willing to be my sponsor, and if she is anything like her husband, which I suspect she probably is, then I couldn't ask for a better sponsor. I really hope this works out. If not, that's ok. I have a line on another lady who I hear is a really good sponsor too, with a lot of experience, so I am stoked!! But, I am trying to be cautiously optimistic. Cuz stuff happens, and things fall through. And, if they do, then I will get up, dust myself off, and keep going. I am maybe not quite as awful as I think I am, and so I'd like to give myself a shot at finding out if that is true.
So, I have been clean since Friday. I had a really bad day Sunday, and someone from the program even came and hung out with me for a few hours and watched a movie with me. It was amazing!! For like the first time in my life, I wasn't physically alone during a really bad wd patch. That was something!!
More to come...

sugarangel

Sorry about that, but I was afraid of losing my post. Ugh, I so did not want to retype all of that!!
Anyhow, since last Friday, I have fought with my mom multiple times. My electricity went out, which really sucked cuz it was like day 2 of wds, and I felt terrible, and I had no lights or heat or cable or internet. No Netflix!! Wtf!! I picked a fight with my source across the way, so now I hope she leaves me alone. My bro's being a tool, I broke another tooth, and life is just generally kicking my ass right now. I can't sleep, don't eat much. I am tired, afraid, and just generally weirded out most of the time. But, you know what?? I didn't use because of any of it. And, I feel really good about that. Something is really different this time. I can't tell you what it is, because I don't understand what I am going through at all, but something is definitely different. I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be. And, even though things are so hard right now, I feel like I can handle things a little better. But man, I have such a long, hard road ahead of me. I am so afraid I am going to fall down. But, one day at a time, right?? I just keep telling myself that. Over and over.
Jeez, I missed you guys!! I won't stay away so long again. Even if no one responds to my posts, I know you are all out there, with me, by my side, going through this, too. I am so grateful to have all of you!!
Ok, well, I think I'm done rambling for now. Thanks, you guys, for checking in on me, and for caring. It means a lot for someone like me who never got a lot of that in her life. But today, despite the wds, my mom, my finances, my fears, my everything, I feel happy. Or, at least I'm starting to. I'm no dummy. I know this is just the beginning of a really long, hard journey, but I don't care. I feel happy today, and I want to live in this moment right now. Tomorrow can take care of itself.
Love you guys lots.

Marcus

Wow Sugar that is really cool. Nice to hear you talk with some hope in your voice (well typing, but you know). I was starting to get a little worried when you disappeared for a few days. So happy for you!

You don't have to psych yourself out and continually tell yourself it is going to be a long hard road (and maybe you were just saying that because you felt like you had to to appease your audience, but you don't have to). Just be grateful that you found the road. No harder road to trudge than the one you have been on all these years.

It is an amazing feeling when you truly feel like something just may work and get you out of that hopeless place. Latch onto it and let it work for you. I promise you that there are endless amazing discoveries about yourself to be had along the way. You can find a new hope and a new freedom. No you don't want to get ahead of yourself, but you don't have to. Like you said you are right where you need to be. And all of this while going through withdrawals!

Keep it up girl. Just don't allow yourself to get in your own way. You deserve to be happy, joyous, and free. Take Care!!!

Jaeger

Sugar- You sound amazing!!!

Tiredofdrugs

Hi Sugarangel!

Sounds like you found a wonderful group? I'm glad for you! Those PPL know the ropes and will do their best to see you stay clean as long as you work with them.

As for your broken teeth? Are there any dental schools in your area? They see PPL at very low costs! I used one in SC to take my wisdom teeth out back in the 80's. Foods you can eat with broken teeth? Get those wrapped baked potatoes to cook in the microwave. You can use the juice from anything to flavor it! I love to cook broccoli down to a soft texture. Put it on the potato with some butter and pour some liquid cheese over it! Spam is also real soft for eating!

Stay the course Sugarangel to a much better happier life! There's all sorts of help out there and I bet your new group can point you in the right direction to get it!

TOD

jaynie04

Hi sugar! When I got clean and sober I knew something had changed. I had this moment where I stood frozen and realized that I was at that crossroads. Kind of like the arc in a movie where you see the main character has a clear cut choice and you are screaming out "make the right choice!!! ". I remember feeling like I had been hit with a brick when I realized that I write the ending. Boom, there it was....the decision was all mine and this made for tv movie could have a happy ending if I was willing.

Remember your post about all roads leading back to this decision? I think that was one of the clearest points about getting clean that I have ever heard. None of us can shrug off the fact we have a problem once we get there. And the longer we put off doing something about it the further down the wrong road we go.

The day I decided to get clean and sober I was home in bed. It was about noon, the sun was shining and I could hear my young daughter outside in the spring air with a baby sitter while I was inside, shades drawn, pill tray, wine glass from night before. I just saw the reality. Looking ahead to more of this was just gray, like endless pages in an old phone book. Any energy or mental acuity I had left was simply directed towards existing so I could numb out again.

Making the mental shift from "I can't use or drink" to "I don't use or drink" was a big one for me. The substances are always going to be there. But the minute I decided I was done I was no longer a slave. It has been a freedom like none I have experienced. My self respect has come back. And I am reminded daily, by the littlest things, that I left nothing behind by giving up the pills and booze.

I had a crappy experience with a therapist when I first got sober. She claimed to be an addiction specialist but my hunch is she has some strong narc tendencies and saw herself as this majestic queen bee with a trail of alkies and addicts coming in and out of her office. I remember feeling so disgusted with myself that it had gotten to a point where I had to sit and let this ***** talk down to me like I was a child. I hated the fact that I felt like I had no credibility because of my addictions.

Now, almost four years later I would sit in that office with a very different sense of myself. Getting sober was a huge accomplishment and rather than my addiction being my identifying weakness, I take huge pride in getting clean and sober. It is like I took the worst thing about me and made it one of the best things about me. You last posts sound so familiar to that arc in my life when I realized I wrote the ending.

I think sometimes the idea of getting clean and sober has been so built up that we almost expect this cataclysmic event. Instead, I think it is a series of private, quiet personal choices that we make that create this new thread, and take us down the right road. I think sharing here allows us to connect with others who are also making those small choices that cumulatively put us where we want to go. I am so happy you sound like you have some major support. It sounds like you have begun your journey!!

sugarangel

Hey Peeps!!

I loved your guys' posts so much!! I read them over more than once, and I learned something from every one of them. I so appreciate you all. I really do. Coming here is the first thing I do now in the morning when I get up. I may not post, but I am here, reading and absorbing everything you guys are telling me. I figure, if someone takes the time to write an awesome post, then I can and will always take the time to read it and absorb every little nugget of wisdom I can. I mean, you guys do know that without you, I would not be going to meetings right now. I would not be sober. I would not even know I am worth anything. You all taught me that. I know I'm being disgustingly gushy, so I'll stop now!! But, I wanted you all to seriously hear me when I tell you how much I love and appreciate all of you. You make my life richer just by knowing you. Ok. I am done being sappy. I have something to share, so I'll talk about that now.....
So, yesterday, we had a tag meeting. That was the first one I have been to. Now, you all know how shy I am. And, I am just so not ready to share yet. Gosh, just the idea of it gives me hives!! So, I put my hoodie up, and hid my face, didn't look anyone in the eye, and prayed to my HP that no one would call on me.
Well, apparently my HP had other ideas!! So, of course, even though I was trying to become one with my chair, someone called on me anyway. Dammit!! So, for the first time yesterday, I shared at meeting. it wasn't a lot. Very brief. But, the point is, I did it!! And, it didn't kill me. And no one laughed at me. In fact, when I told them that I was there to learn, and had just learned that I don't know jack, even though I thought I knew everything, they applauded and were all like "Right on!! That is so true!!" Oh man, it was amazing!! For the first time ever, except for SR, I felt accepted. For who and what I was in that exact moment. It was brilliant!! Of course, my face was beat red, and I was sweating like a lumberjack, but it was still one of the best moments I have had at meeting, and I will never forget it. That probably sounds dumb to some of you guys cuz you probably share all the time. But, for me, it was a revelation. A personal triumph, of sorts.
More to come....