Hi sugar! When I got clean and sober I knew something had changed. I had this moment where I stood frozen and realized that I was at that crossroads. Kind of like the arc in a movie where you see the main character has a clear cut choice and you are screaming out "make the right choice!!! ". I remember feeling like I had been hit with a brick when I realized that I write the ending. Boom, there it was....the decision was all mine and this made for tv movie could have a happy ending if I was willing.
Remember your post about all roads leading back to this decision? I think that was one of the clearest points about getting clean that I have ever heard. None of us can shrug off the fact we have a problem once we get there. And the longer we put off doing something about it the further down the wrong road we go.
The day I decided to get clean and sober I was home in bed. It was about noon, the sun was shining and I could hear my young daughter outside in the spring air with a baby sitter while I was inside, shades drawn, pill tray, wine glass from night before. I just saw the reality. Looking ahead to more of this was just gray, like endless pages in an old phone book. Any energy or mental acuity I had left was simply directed towards existing so I could numb out again.
Making the mental shift from "I can't use or drink" to "I don't use or drink" was a big one for me. The substances are always going to be there. But the minute I decided I was done I was no longer a slave. It has been a freedom like none I have experienced. My self respect has come back. And I am reminded daily, by the littlest things, that I left nothing behind by giving up the pills and booze.
I had a crappy experience with a therapist when I first got sober. She claimed to be an addiction specialist but my hunch is she has some strong narc tendencies and saw herself as this majestic queen bee with a trail of alkies and addicts coming in and out of her office. I remember feeling so disgusted with myself that it had gotten to a point where I had to sit and let this ***** talk down to me like I was a child. I hated the fact that I felt like I had no credibility because of my addictions.
Now, almost four years later I would sit in that office with a very different sense of myself. Getting sober was a huge accomplishment and rather than my addiction being my identifying weakness, I take huge pride in getting clean and sober. It is like I took the worst thing about me and made it one of the best things about me. You last posts sound so familiar to that arc in my life when I realized I wrote the ending.
I think sometimes the idea of getting clean and sober has been so built up that we almost expect this cataclysmic event. Instead, I think it is a series of private, quiet personal choices that we make that create this new thread, and take us down the right road. I think sharing here allows us to connect with others who are also making those small choices that cumulatively put us where we want to go. I am so happy you sound like you have some major support. It sounds like you have begun your journey!!
