The Hydro Thread
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,099
Thanks, Tea. I appreciate the advice and understanding very much.
I'm having a really rough time right now, and I don't know how to get out of this funk I'm in. I've tried everything I can think of. And now, I am just too depressed to care. I have therapy tomorrow, Maybe talking things out with her will help. I don't know. I haven't slept much at all the last few days, even less than usual, so that's making me feel extra confused and way emotional.
Everything feels bad right now.
50 days tomorrow. I'm still waiting for the "It's worth it" point. I never even got a damn 'Pink Cloud"!!
Have a great day, guys.
I'm having a really rough time right now, and I don't know how to get out of this funk I'm in. I've tried everything I can think of. And now, I am just too depressed to care. I have therapy tomorrow, Maybe talking things out with her will help. I don't know. I haven't slept much at all the last few days, even less than usual, so that's making me feel extra confused and way emotional.
Everything feels bad right now.
50 days tomorrow. I'm still waiting for the "It's worth it" point. I never even got a damn 'Pink Cloud"!!
Have a great day, guys.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 200
Sometimes I think sobriety is overrated...but then I remember that after I use I'm just as depressed - most often feeling guilty - and it doesn't help. I will talk myself into using and say 'I'll get this done, or that will get handled' - - it usually never does..and then I'm just worst off.
I know sobriety is the only way to go. Stay positive..keep your head up. We are all here for you. We are all in this together.
I know sobriety is the only way to go. Stay positive..keep your head up. We are all here for you. We are all in this together.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Hang in there, Sugar. As bad as you feel now, using will only make you feel worse. 50 days takes you into uncharted territory for you, so you're only going to find out if you can feel better if you keep 'er goin'. Just "keep 'er goin'," hon. Keep moving forward.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 16
My last pill was august 27th at 4pm
This is a long one, sorry guys!
Today is September 19th. I'm not sure how many days that makes now. I could add it up easy enough, but for some reason I don't want to lol it seems like it's been a long drawn out sickness since my last pill and I just want it to be over. My body aches and screams at me more than normal, but oh well.
It's kinda funny actually, I had a chance to refill my script a week ago at my docs, and I told her "I'm good actually. I've switched back to ibuprofen" she clicked at me and told me to be careful with the ibuprofen. I wanted to scream at her, but she doesn't know I was addicted, or that I made the decision to quit. It was hard enough turning down a script, that being clicked at was too much. I think apart from a sudden onset eye twitch, I made it out of there with no damage done to our Dr patient relationship.
My mom has been trying to get me hooked on pills again. She'll never outright say it, but she's been calling and leaving messages asking me to come help her with things, telling me to help her clear out my late grandmother's stuff, and trying to get me to talk about my pain or things that have been emotionally hard. It was always during these times that she would offer a pain pill. I've been avoiding her for weeks now, and she is pushing harder for me to come over with each day that goes by. I don't have the balls to stand up to her yet, so I've been avoiding her. Eventually I know I'll have to talk about it with her, but she ALWAYS turns things around and tries to play herself as the victim. As of right now, if she were to start doing that, I'd cave and take a pill to take away some of the sting out of her words.
Work has been trying, but rewarding at the same time. I saved a cat from a sudden miserable death, and was able to get it meds to provide a comfy home hospice situation. It came in for a grooming, and I noticed pale gums, hundreds of fleas, and lethargy. After running numerous tests and xrays, the cat had fiv/ felv, and enlarged organs. Basically kitty cat hiv/aids and leukemia. I shaved it, treated it's flea infestation, and was able to get the owner in touch with the vet to discuss their options. It's on medications to help manage it's diseases and provide comfort.
I'm finding my responses to assholes havery been extremely snarky, but well deserved. A coworker and I were trying to warm up 2 abandoned kittens, both infested with fleas and hypothermic. A secretary walked back and got PISSED at me. She pointed at me and said "This! This is exactly why I didn't want them to bring these kittens here! I knew it would distract people from their job and push us behind in appointments!" I got LIVID because one of the kittens was minutes away from dying (it did die about 15 minutes later). I snapped back "how dare someone bring a couple sick kittens to a vets office! The nerve!" To which she just walked away shaking her head. That day was one where I wanted a pill after work reeeeaaaalllllyyy badly. I went home and launched into making new chore sheets for my kennel staff and myself instead.
My stomach is still giving me troubles, but I did have an elevated white count in my bloodwork last week, so I might be getting a touch of the actual flu (ironic, right?!). Based off my bloodwork though, I didn't damage any organs with pills! Hurray! A sick, twisted part of me keeps randomly popping up saying, "you could have kept using for at least another 6 months then before you developed damage. You should have quit after the next refill."
I hate that part of me. I'm smashing her down though, I am done living with addiction!
I have no support still apart from you guys. I did tell my husband after my last post. He asked me "so you think you were addicted?" Ummm...yeah. just a smidgen hun. His said, "well I guess it's good you quit then, good job." And that was the only thing he said about it. I told him that I quit when I realized no one was going to try to help me. I was alone in my addiction, and I knew after recent events that I would be alone in my recovery. He just said "huh, yeah." I am upset at him for this, but I need to collect my thoughts and emotions into one, coherent thought pattern before I bring it up again. I need to get him to understand somehow, but with his sister just dying from a 17year addiction to pulls, meth, and heroin, what would be so different in the way he sees addiction with me?
I have bouts where I feel high again, just for a few minutes, 15 minutes tops. I haven't taken anything but ibuprofen for about 2 weeks? Maybe it's something similar to muscle memory. I'm gonna nickname it murder memory. My sober self and thought patterns feel extremely similar to my high self and thought patterns. More back and hip pain, and a little bit duller in my deductive reasoning skills, but all in all I feel the same. Is this normal?
That's all for me right now, I love you guys and I hope you're doing ok! Good job on getting that far Sugar! I've been remembering a couple different mottos to help with the cravings and the ****** days. This week's motto is "commitment is not just saying that you will do something. Commitment is doing what you said you would, long after the mood in which it was said in has passed."
This is just a character building experience, right? I wish you could write this **** on a job resume. "What achievements are you most proud of?" Detoxing on my own from opiates and staying sober with very little support from my family! In fact, staying sober despite family actively trying to get me to use again! Ha!
Today is September 19th. I'm not sure how many days that makes now. I could add it up easy enough, but for some reason I don't want to lol it seems like it's been a long drawn out sickness since my last pill and I just want it to be over. My body aches and screams at me more than normal, but oh well.
It's kinda funny actually, I had a chance to refill my script a week ago at my docs, and I told her "I'm good actually. I've switched back to ibuprofen" she clicked at me and told me to be careful with the ibuprofen. I wanted to scream at her, but she doesn't know I was addicted, or that I made the decision to quit. It was hard enough turning down a script, that being clicked at was too much. I think apart from a sudden onset eye twitch, I made it out of there with no damage done to our Dr patient relationship.
My mom has been trying to get me hooked on pills again. She'll never outright say it, but she's been calling and leaving messages asking me to come help her with things, telling me to help her clear out my late grandmother's stuff, and trying to get me to talk about my pain or things that have been emotionally hard. It was always during these times that she would offer a pain pill. I've been avoiding her for weeks now, and she is pushing harder for me to come over with each day that goes by. I don't have the balls to stand up to her yet, so I've been avoiding her. Eventually I know I'll have to talk about it with her, but she ALWAYS turns things around and tries to play herself as the victim. As of right now, if she were to start doing that, I'd cave and take a pill to take away some of the sting out of her words.
Work has been trying, but rewarding at the same time. I saved a cat from a sudden miserable death, and was able to get it meds to provide a comfy home hospice situation. It came in for a grooming, and I noticed pale gums, hundreds of fleas, and lethargy. After running numerous tests and xrays, the cat had fiv/ felv, and enlarged organs. Basically kitty cat hiv/aids and leukemia. I shaved it, treated it's flea infestation, and was able to get the owner in touch with the vet to discuss their options. It's on medications to help manage it's diseases and provide comfort.
I'm finding my responses to assholes havery been extremely snarky, but well deserved. A coworker and I were trying to warm up 2 abandoned kittens, both infested with fleas and hypothermic. A secretary walked back and got PISSED at me. She pointed at me and said "This! This is exactly why I didn't want them to bring these kittens here! I knew it would distract people from their job and push us behind in appointments!" I got LIVID because one of the kittens was minutes away from dying (it did die about 15 minutes later). I snapped back "how dare someone bring a couple sick kittens to a vets office! The nerve!" To which she just walked away shaking her head. That day was one where I wanted a pill after work reeeeaaaalllllyyy badly. I went home and launched into making new chore sheets for my kennel staff and myself instead.
My stomach is still giving me troubles, but I did have an elevated white count in my bloodwork last week, so I might be getting a touch of the actual flu (ironic, right?!). Based off my bloodwork though, I didn't damage any organs with pills! Hurray! A sick, twisted part of me keeps randomly popping up saying, "you could have kept using for at least another 6 months then before you developed damage. You should have quit after the next refill."
I hate that part of me. I'm smashing her down though, I am done living with addiction!
I have no support still apart from you guys. I did tell my husband after my last post. He asked me "so you think you were addicted?" Ummm...yeah. just a smidgen hun. His said, "well I guess it's good you quit then, good job." And that was the only thing he said about it. I told him that I quit when I realized no one was going to try to help me. I was alone in my addiction, and I knew after recent events that I would be alone in my recovery. He just said "huh, yeah." I am upset at him for this, but I need to collect my thoughts and emotions into one, coherent thought pattern before I bring it up again. I need to get him to understand somehow, but with his sister just dying from a 17year addiction to pulls, meth, and heroin, what would be so different in the way he sees addiction with me?
I have bouts where I feel high again, just for a few minutes, 15 minutes tops. I haven't taken anything but ibuprofen for about 2 weeks? Maybe it's something similar to muscle memory. I'm gonna nickname it murder memory. My sober self and thought patterns feel extremely similar to my high self and thought patterns. More back and hip pain, and a little bit duller in my deductive reasoning skills, but all in all I feel the same. Is this normal?
That's all for me right now, I love you guys and I hope you're doing ok! Good job on getting that far Sugar! I've been remembering a couple different mottos to help with the cravings and the ****** days. This week's motto is "commitment is not just saying that you will do something. Commitment is doing what you said you would, long after the mood in which it was said in has passed."
This is just a character building experience, right? I wish you could write this **** on a job resume. "What achievements are you most proud of?" Detoxing on my own from opiates and staying sober with very little support from my family! In fact, staying sober despite family actively trying to get me to use again! Ha!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Way to go, Limber! I like your motto. So true.
Sugar, hope to hear from you.
I'm being miss domestic today. Got apple crisp in the oven right now and it's suddenly turned into fall here, so it puts me in the mood to bake something harvest-y. What's not to love about warm baked apples crisp or apple pie or apple cake or apple turnovers or apple anything? Fried apples are awesome: saute them in butter and brown sugar for about 45 minutes. Serve with home made biscuits...Mmmmm!! Okay, sorry folks. That's enough about apples for now, I reckon.
One day at a time always and forever.
Limber, you are showing that you are getting through some stressful stuff without using and that's awesome. Yes!
Sugar, hope to hear from you.
I'm being miss domestic today. Got apple crisp in the oven right now and it's suddenly turned into fall here, so it puts me in the mood to bake something harvest-y. What's not to love about warm baked apples crisp or apple pie or apple cake or apple turnovers or apple anything? Fried apples are awesome: saute them in butter and brown sugar for about 45 minutes. Serve with home made biscuits...Mmmmm!! Okay, sorry folks. That's enough about apples for now, I reckon.
One day at a time always and forever.
Limber, you are showing that you are getting through some stressful stuff without using and that's awesome. Yes!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007 
Way to go, Limber! I like your motto. So true.
Sugar, hope to hear from you.
I'm being miss domestic today. Got apple crisp in the oven right now and it's suddenly turned into fall here, so it puts me in the mood to bake something harvest-y. What's not to love about warm baked apples crisp or apple pie or apple cake or apple turnovers or apple anything? Fried apples are awesome: saute them in butter and brown sugar for about 45 minutes. Serve with home made biscuits...Mmmmm!! Okay, sorry folks. That's enough about apples for now, I reckon.
One day at a time always and forever.
Limber, you are showing that you are getting through some stressful stuff without using and that's awesome. Yes!
Sugar, hope to hear from you.
I'm being miss domestic today. Got apple crisp in the oven right now and it's suddenly turned into fall here, so it puts me in the mood to bake something harvest-y. What's not to love about warm baked apples crisp or apple pie or apple cake or apple turnovers or apple anything? Fried apples are awesome: saute them in butter and brown sugar for about 45 minutes. Serve with home made biscuits...Mmmmm!! Okay, sorry folks. That's enough about apples for now, I reckon.
One day at a time always and forever.
Limber, you are showing that you are getting through some stressful stuff without using and that's awesome. Yes!
Thanks teatree! Fall is my absolute favorite time of the Year! Nothing like snuggling up wth a good book, hot coffee, and listening to the rain outside. And apple pie....omg. we have neighbors that make apple cider and drop off a couple gallons for us every year. It's AMAZING!
We get our niece and nephew for the night tonight and I'm so excited! It's been awhile since we got just the two. normally we get all 6 at once, but we get a somewhat mild weekend with just the youngest 😁 they can be such goobers. We're taking them to the roller skating rink on Sunday and I can't wait!
Sugar, are you still here? I hope everything is OK! We're all here for ya and cheering you on!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Well, I ate up the last of the apple crisp yesterday....OMG it was good. Apple pie? Yes, could go for that. Homemade of course....using real butter for the crust. I've discovered too, over the years that the type of apples you use for baking makes a big difference! I leave the peelings on mine when I cook. Too lazy to peel them, maybe, but it's better for you anyways...so I leave the peelings on even though most recipes say to peel the apples. I don't usually follow recipes anymore when I make pies, though. My grandma taught me how to make pies when I was a kid and I just took it from there. Hmmm. That's a nice memory of grandma time.
So, how are you fairing these days? Feeling alright? I hope so.
Sugar, we're waiting to hear from you. We care, hon.
So, how are you fairing these days? Feeling alright? I hope so.
Sugar, we're waiting to hear from you. We care, hon.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Autumn is my favorite time of year too! Maybe I already said that, forgive me...I'm a little forgetful at times and cannot remember what I said and what I didn't already...oh well.
So what is it about autumn that is so special? Afterall...things are starting to die off or go into remission. The garden is "done", so to speak and one could see fall as nothing by the end of glorious summer when things start to die.
Yet, fall is full of promise to me and like a new beginning instead of an ending. That's just how I view it and maybe it's skewed. What do you think? It's in the reaping of harvest, I suppose, but it's more than that to me as well. It's just special, I guess. I don't know what I'm trying to say. It's definitely colder, brrrr.....but that does not usually deter me from enjoying it.
But then, every now and then you get one of those beautiful warm Indian summer days and it's just plain glorious!! A nice surprise.
So what is it about autumn that is so special? Afterall...things are starting to die off or go into remission. The garden is "done", so to speak and one could see fall as nothing by the end of glorious summer when things start to die.
Yet, fall is full of promise to me and like a new beginning instead of an ending. That's just how I view it and maybe it's skewed. What do you think? It's in the reaping of harvest, I suppose, but it's more than that to me as well. It's just special, I guess. I don't know what I'm trying to say. It's definitely colder, brrrr.....but that does not usually deter me from enjoying it.
But then, every now and then you get one of those beautiful warm Indian summer days and it's just plain glorious!! A nice surprise.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,099
Hey,
Thank you for the posts and the support. It's nice to know someone cares.
Limber - You are doing amazeballs!! Thanks for coming back and letting us know how things are going. I was thinking about you, wondering. I'm sorry you are going through this alone, for the most part, and don't have the support you need. I understand that completely. I don't have anyone in my f to f life I can talk to, either. And my mom is like your mom in some ways. She is a huge trigger for me, so, the more I stay away, the better. I so understood what you meant about using to "take the sting out".
Awesome job on not taking that scrip from your doc!! I know how hard that was, believe me, and I am so proud of you!! You have the best attitude, and that is everything when it comes to getting clean.
As for your stomach issues, I'm hoping that has cleared up and you are feeling better. If not, try not to stress too much about it. I still have stomach issues a lot, and I'm not sure why. Probably stress. I don't really have any advice about it. I'm sorry. I just wanted you to know you aren't alone and that I struggle with it, too.
Keep posting and sharing, okay?? Let us know how you are doing. We are here for you. And we care. You really aren't alone in this.
And great job with the kitties and work. I'm sorry you lost the one kitten, but I laughed about your comment to the secretary. That was so right on!!
Well, I guess it's time to come clean, so to speak. I used Thursday before last. 3 pills. Vicodin. No benzos. I haven't used since. Just that one slip. but, it's taken me over a week to get up the nerve to come back here and tell you guys. I feel so stupid and embarrassed about it. It was such a dumb thing to do, and it served no purpose. It didn't do anything I wanted it to do. I just got really sleepy and went to bed for 12 hrs. So, it was just a waste of money and clean time. Now, I don't know what to do about my days. If I don't count the one day I used, then I have 60 days today. I hate the idea that I have to start back on day 1 and give up all the days I had. I worked really hard for that clean time. And, yes, I should have thought about that before I took the pills, but I didn't. In fact, I didn't think about anything but feeling better. Feeling nothing. Life hurts so much sober. And nothing is the way I thought it would be. I struggle with my emotions and feelings every day, from the moment I wake up until the moment I fall asleep. If I fall asleep. It's really tiring to fight yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, and your impulses all day, every day. I just don't know what to do about myself anymore.
Same ****. Different day.
Subject change......I love fall, too. It's my favorite time of year. The leaves changing color, the cooler weather, the holidays. It's just a really great time of year. And, I love apple pie, too. I use a mix of granny smith and Fuji apples in my pie, and I love mine topped with sharp cheddar cheese. I know, I'm weird!!
Hope everyone is having a wonderful day!!
Love you guys.
Thank you for the posts and the support. It's nice to know someone cares.
Limber - You are doing amazeballs!! Thanks for coming back and letting us know how things are going. I was thinking about you, wondering. I'm sorry you are going through this alone, for the most part, and don't have the support you need. I understand that completely. I don't have anyone in my f to f life I can talk to, either. And my mom is like your mom in some ways. She is a huge trigger for me, so, the more I stay away, the better. I so understood what you meant about using to "take the sting out".
Awesome job on not taking that scrip from your doc!! I know how hard that was, believe me, and I am so proud of you!! You have the best attitude, and that is everything when it comes to getting clean.
As for your stomach issues, I'm hoping that has cleared up and you are feeling better. If not, try not to stress too much about it. I still have stomach issues a lot, and I'm not sure why. Probably stress. I don't really have any advice about it. I'm sorry. I just wanted you to know you aren't alone and that I struggle with it, too.
Keep posting and sharing, okay?? Let us know how you are doing. We are here for you. And we care. You really aren't alone in this.
And great job with the kitties and work. I'm sorry you lost the one kitten, but I laughed about your comment to the secretary. That was so right on!!
Well, I guess it's time to come clean, so to speak. I used Thursday before last. 3 pills. Vicodin. No benzos. I haven't used since. Just that one slip. but, it's taken me over a week to get up the nerve to come back here and tell you guys. I feel so stupid and embarrassed about it. It was such a dumb thing to do, and it served no purpose. It didn't do anything I wanted it to do. I just got really sleepy and went to bed for 12 hrs. So, it was just a waste of money and clean time. Now, I don't know what to do about my days. If I don't count the one day I used, then I have 60 days today. I hate the idea that I have to start back on day 1 and give up all the days I had. I worked really hard for that clean time. And, yes, I should have thought about that before I took the pills, but I didn't. In fact, I didn't think about anything but feeling better. Feeling nothing. Life hurts so much sober. And nothing is the way I thought it would be. I struggle with my emotions and feelings every day, from the moment I wake up until the moment I fall asleep. If I fall asleep. It's really tiring to fight yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, and your impulses all day, every day. I just don't know what to do about myself anymore.
Same ****. Different day.
Subject change......I love fall, too. It's my favorite time of year. The leaves changing color, the cooler weather, the holidays. It's just a really great time of year. And, I love apple pie, too. I use a mix of granny smith and Fuji apples in my pie, and I love mine topped with sharp cheddar cheese. I know, I'm weird!!
Hope everyone is having a wonderful day!!
Love you guys.
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Sugarangel!
I don't understand why you can't find something to keep you occupied? We discussed all that the other day? You had a good idea and was going to look into it?
How did your Therapist meeting go? Out of curiosity? Do you have a blind school/facility you could get involved with? They have all sorts of activities going on!
As long as you sit around in your house on your pity pot? You are always going to want to use to try and feel better! Sorry I'm so blunt, but that's what you're doing!
As far as your clean time? You blew it! You didn't take medication due to an illness or dental appointment! Sorry! You did learn a good lesson though! Once you get some clean time under your feet? Using isn't what it used to be! It sucks! And you just want it to all go away again.
After I got 30 days under my feet? I quit counting days. I stayed focused on getting chores done and enjoying the fact I could actually do things again w/o popping pills to get it done. I started laughing more and wanted to get out more! I hated seeing cars pass by the house. I felt like the world was passing me by! Ugh
Quit feeling sorry for yourself. Find a way to enjoy life!
TOD
I don't understand why you can't find something to keep you occupied? We discussed all that the other day? You had a good idea and was going to look into it?
How did your Therapist meeting go? Out of curiosity? Do you have a blind school/facility you could get involved with? They have all sorts of activities going on!
As long as you sit around in your house on your pity pot? You are always going to want to use to try and feel better! Sorry I'm so blunt, but that's what you're doing!
As far as your clean time? You blew it! You didn't take medication due to an illness or dental appointment! Sorry! You did learn a good lesson though! Once you get some clean time under your feet? Using isn't what it used to be! It sucks! And you just want it to all go away again.
After I got 30 days under my feet? I quit counting days. I stayed focused on getting chores done and enjoying the fact I could actually do things again w/o popping pills to get it done. I started laughing more and wanted to get out more! I hated seeing cars pass by the house. I felt like the world was passing me by! Ugh
Quit feeling sorry for yourself. Find a way to enjoy life!
TOD
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
It is good to hear from you Sugar. Stay focused on making each day count versus counting days. Making lifestyle changes that will lead to a long term solution to your problem. We are here to support you along the way but you control your own destiny. Today is a new day. Ask yourself what can I do differently today? Right here. Right now? You deserve better but all we can do is offer suggestions. Take Care!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by sugarangel
Hey,
Thank you for the posts and the support. It's nice to know someone cares.
Limber - You are doing amazeballs!! Thanks for coming back and letting us know how things are going. I was thinking about you, wondering. I'm sorry you are going through this alone, for the most part, and don't have the support you need. I understand that completely. I don't have anyone in my f to f life I can talk to, either. And my mom is like your mom in some ways. She is a huge trigger for me, so, the more I stay away, the better. I so understood what you meant about using to "take the sting out".
Awesome job on not taking that scrip from your doc!! I know how hard that was, believe me, and I am so proud of you!! You have the best attitude, and that is everything when it comes to getting clean.
As for your stomach issues, I'm hoping that has cleared up and you are feeling better. If not, try not to stress too much about it. I still have stomach issues a lot, and I'm not sure why. Probably stress. I don't really have any advice about it. I'm sorry. I just wanted you to know you aren't alone and that I struggle with it, too.
Keep posting and sharing, okay?? Let us know how you are doing. We are here for you. And we care. You really aren't alone in this.
And great job with the kitties and work. I'm sorry you lost the one kitten, but I laughed about your comment to the secretary. That was so right on!!
Well, I guess it's time to come clean, so to speak. I used Thursday before last. 3 pills. Vicodin. No benzos. I haven't used since. Just that one slip. but, it's taken me over a week to get up the nerve to come back here and tell you guys. I feel so stupid and embarrassed about it. It was such a dumb thing to do, and it served no purpose. It didn't do anything I wanted it to do. I just got really sleepy and went to bed for 12 hrs. So, it was just a waste of money and clean time. Now, I don't know what to do about my days. If I don't count the one day I used, then I have 60 days today. I hate the idea that I have to start back on day 1 and give up all the days I had. I worked really hard for that clean time. And, yes, I should have thought about that before I took the pills, but I didn't. In fact, I didn't think about anything but feeling better. Feeling nothing. Life hurts so much sober. And nothing is the way I thought it would be. I struggle with my emotions and feelings every day, from the moment I wake up until the moment I fall asleep. If I fall asleep. It's really tiring to fight yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, and your impulses all day, every day. I just don't know what to do about myself anymore.
Same ****. Different day.
Subject change......I love fall, too. It's my favorite time of year. The leaves changing color, the cooler weather, the holidays. It's just a really great time of year. And, I love apple pie, too. I use a mix of granny smith and Fuji apples in my pie, and I love mine topped with sharp cheddar cheese. I know, I'm weird!!
Hope everyone is having a wonderful day!!
Love you guys.
Thank you for the posts and the support. It's nice to know someone cares.
Limber - You are doing amazeballs!! Thanks for coming back and letting us know how things are going. I was thinking about you, wondering. I'm sorry you are going through this alone, for the most part, and don't have the support you need. I understand that completely. I don't have anyone in my f to f life I can talk to, either. And my mom is like your mom in some ways. She is a huge trigger for me, so, the more I stay away, the better. I so understood what you meant about using to "take the sting out".
Awesome job on not taking that scrip from your doc!! I know how hard that was, believe me, and I am so proud of you!! You have the best attitude, and that is everything when it comes to getting clean.
As for your stomach issues, I'm hoping that has cleared up and you are feeling better. If not, try not to stress too much about it. I still have stomach issues a lot, and I'm not sure why. Probably stress. I don't really have any advice about it. I'm sorry. I just wanted you to know you aren't alone and that I struggle with it, too.
Keep posting and sharing, okay?? Let us know how you are doing. We are here for you. And we care. You really aren't alone in this.
And great job with the kitties and work. I'm sorry you lost the one kitten, but I laughed about your comment to the secretary. That was so right on!!
Well, I guess it's time to come clean, so to speak. I used Thursday before last. 3 pills. Vicodin. No benzos. I haven't used since. Just that one slip. but, it's taken me over a week to get up the nerve to come back here and tell you guys. I feel so stupid and embarrassed about it. It was such a dumb thing to do, and it served no purpose. It didn't do anything I wanted it to do. I just got really sleepy and went to bed for 12 hrs. So, it was just a waste of money and clean time. Now, I don't know what to do about my days. If I don't count the one day I used, then I have 60 days today. I hate the idea that I have to start back on day 1 and give up all the days I had. I worked really hard for that clean time. And, yes, I should have thought about that before I took the pills, but I didn't. In fact, I didn't think about anything but feeling better. Feeling nothing. Life hurts so much sober. And nothing is the way I thought it would be. I struggle with my emotions and feelings every day, from the moment I wake up until the moment I fall asleep. If I fall asleep. It's really tiring to fight yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, and your impulses all day, every day. I just don't know what to do about myself anymore.
Same ****. Different day.
Subject change......I love fall, too. It's my favorite time of year. The leaves changing color, the cooler weather, the holidays. It's just a really great time of year. And, I love apple pie, too. I use a mix of granny smith and Fuji apples in my pie, and I love mine topped with sharp cheddar cheese. I know, I'm weird!!
Hope everyone is having a wonderful day!!
Love you guys.
I have been dreading the day that I'll find a pill around when I clean my house or move. We are our greatest obstacles in recovery. My inability to get a backbone sometimes infuriates me. But, like with the secretary at my work, my finding that sobriety is allowing me to reinvent myself. I am able to get a bit of attitude now and now feel bad or guilty about it later. I am starting to value the strength that I have in myself and how kick ass I am for beating a 6 1/2 year opiate addiction.
Place value on YOURSELF! You worked extremely hard for your clean time, and you have earned the luxury of struggling with emotions. It sucks butt 50% of the time, but you have the chance to learn how to respond to emotions and to truly feel them again. A change of scenery can help. If it's always "same **** different day", maybe it's time to stop walking around in ****.
I'm putting in for vacation time at work now and have the next 5 days off. I've earned the right to some stress free time to enjoy the other 50% of the time where emotions can be pretty good! I'll be off of here for a bit, but I wish you the best my friend!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Sugar - it sounds like you are at the point where the drugs don't work any more. I had to get to that point before I was ready for recovery. What are you doing besides fighting yourself all day? It was helpful for me to focus on positive things to do instead of just trying to make it through another day without using.
Limber - glad to see you are doing well.
Limber - glad to see you are doing well.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Sugar, great to hear from you. Sorry that you used, but we are still here and still your friends and support. I agree with what everyone else posted and some good advice has been given. Take heed. Get right back to recovery. You've proven you could stay clean longer than you had. You can do this. We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 2
Anyone still here?
Hi I have never posted anywhere before but I need to get help and I stumbled upon this thread. I just want to know if you guys are still out there? Sugar? What ever happened with you? I have used oxy on and off for years but just getting to a point where I can’t stop. It’s totally taken over.
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