Jails, institutions and death--I made a big mistake
Night owl
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Originally Posted by Dee74 
how are you feeling now lyoness?
D
D
I want to respond to all your questions but it's a mishmash in my brain so I'll just do my best.
Marcus, I hear you. I really feel like it's my depression that is the problem here, all the mental health issues and not as much the addiction. But maybe I'm wrong. I just know that I got off everything and went on suboxone and I've been battling depression (yes bat sh*t crazy depression) ever since. So I think I just don't even care about addiction because I can't stand up from the depression and mental health problems. And maybe that's the wrong stance to take.
I also hear you on being afraid to change. I am terrified. I am so bad now that I truly feel terror at what could be coming around the corner. I don't BELIEVE I can get better anymore and that is at the core of this. It's been so bad, I've been so bad for so long, and done years of therapy and healing work, and here I am, in a black hole. I'm scared.
kzaug, thank you for understanding about the depression. I think that you're right, that if you haven't experienced it you just don't know how bad it can get. You can't just think positive thoughts and make it go away--you don't have any positive thoughts to think. And if you do they get bashed quickly and soundly. Add to that severe PTSD, anxiety, agoraphobia, OCD, and more and I'm in pretty deep. Oh, and the addiction. I just feel lost, and stuck, and afraid and I can't move. I try, I really do, but I fail. I'm taking this new antidepressant, just to try to get some sort of stability but it seems to be taking me further down. I'm not better, I'm worse after two or three weeks.
I struggle with forgiveness. The things that were done to me are unforgiveable. To me it's like saying it's okay what they did and that they'll never pay or make amends. I've never been able to forgive them--or myself. But if you have any books to recommend I'll look them up. Not making any promises, though. But thank you for your caring.
Startingover, thank you. You always speak to my heart and reach it. You're right, I got through it. But it's still hanging on me like a stain. I don't know how long til I feel "clean" again. But I'm going to keep rereading what you wrote to remind myself that I did it and it's over. Thank you for continuing to care even as you struggle. I am thinking about you too even if I'm too self-involved to say so. I think of everyone here.
Soberwolf, thank you for always stopping in to say you're thinking of me. It means a lot.
tomsteve, yes, that could be an option, trying to get hospitalization process started now. My housesit is til the end of January. I honestly don't know how I'm going to make it with the way I feel. Every day is a challenge to get through. But I made this commitment and I don't have any way out of it.
Along with this, I still have to decide what I'm going to plead at court. I'm deciding between asking for a misdemeanor and the mental health court. There are advantages to each and disadvantages. I don't know if the mental health court would actually help me, it's not what I thought it was. It would allow me to not have a record but I'd have to go in for court type appts on a regular basis and right now I can't even get out for counseling or food. So....
With the misdemeanor I wouldn't have to do anything except obviously not make the same mistake again. I would have a record which could be expunged in a few years. I don't want a record but I could follow my own mental health plan. Either way I will have to pay about $500, hopefully not more. But can pay over time.
As you can imagine I don't feel very capable of making the right decision. I have another status hearing in a week and I can either decide before then or get another delay.
Can I ask what you all think? I can write more details of each, as well as I understand them. But maybe one of you can see something I'm missing.
Mostly I just want to say thank you all. Thank you for continuing to reach out to me and to care when I least feel I deserve it. I don't have any f2f people except my counselor and am so lonely which makes everything so much worse. Even aside from all the mental illness, it's like why bother to go out, it's just me, me and me in a different atmosphere. IT's still just ME. And right now that sucks.
So it means more than I can say that you all still care when I feel like such worthless POS.
Night owl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
I just talked with my counselor and that helped. She is the one f2f person in my life that accepts me as I am. I have people I know but they only want me around if I'm a certain way, if I'm pretending like my real life isn't my real life. I can only do that so much before it eats me alive.
But in talking to my counselor she helped me look at things and realize that it IS okay that I am upset, overwhelmed, confused. I have been feeling a lot of panic, almost constant, and she helped me realize where it's coming from which is mostly fear of the future. Of this court case, of so much stuff that I can't control but terrifies me.
She also gave me permission to be gentle with myself. That if I need to just be and not do anything that is okay too. It's like she gave me permission to be myself without having to hate or punish myself for being myself. I don't get that message often, mostly it's the opposite message, so I feel calmer than I have for awhile. I even managed to put in a call to the psychiatrist to find out if the new antidepressant is causing me to feel worse.
It's also winter, dark, cold, gloomy, gray and that messes with my mind. I forget that once I'm in it and it was important to be reminded of that. Basically she told me, like you all do, that it's okay for me to be me and I don't have to hate and punish myself for it. I forget that all the time. So thank you everyone for continuing to reach out past my intense illnesses. I know it's not easy.
But in talking to my counselor she helped me look at things and realize that it IS okay that I am upset, overwhelmed, confused. I have been feeling a lot of panic, almost constant, and she helped me realize where it's coming from which is mostly fear of the future. Of this court case, of so much stuff that I can't control but terrifies me.
She also gave me permission to be gentle with myself. That if I need to just be and not do anything that is okay too. It's like she gave me permission to be myself without having to hate or punish myself for being myself. I don't get that message often, mostly it's the opposite message, so I feel calmer than I have for awhile. I even managed to put in a call to the psychiatrist to find out if the new antidepressant is causing me to feel worse.
It's also winter, dark, cold, gloomy, gray and that messes with my mind. I forget that once I'm in it and it was important to be reminded of that. Basically she told me, like you all do, that it's okay for me to be me and I don't have to hate and punish myself for it. I forget that all the time. So thank you everyone for continuing to reach out past my intense illnesses. I know it's not easy.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,477
Lyoness I have no experience with this, so I can't help you with your decision.
Even if you need to get out a sheet of paper and go through the pros and cons of each alternative, I think that's a good idea. It's often clearer to look at stuff on paper
D
Even if you need to get out a sheet of paper and go through the pros and cons of each alternative, I think that's a good idea. It's often clearer to look at stuff on paper
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 357
Hi Lyoness. Your counsellor sounds the best. Also another thing to remember is time, give yourself time to move forward and there is no right or wrong amount of time that it may take. Of course you feel awful after the fingerprints. The memories will fade a little with time though and then you will feel better.
If it was me, I think I would go for the misdemeanour That option seems to be the one that may be least damaging in the long run? Also it leaves you free to choose how you tackle your mental health problems
As always we are here for you no matter what happens and I so get it with the weather. It does my head in too
If it was me, I think I would go for the misdemeanour That option seems to be the one that may be least damaging in the long run? Also it leaves you free to choose how you tackle your mental health problems
As always we are here for you no matter what happens and I so get it with the weather. It does my head in too
Night owl
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Hi everyone, thank you again for posting.
As far as my decision, I don't really have any friends and I have no family whatsoever to ask. I did ask my counselor and she suggested like Dee to write it all out in pros and cons. It's a hard decision to make. I lean towards the misdemeanor like Startingover suggested, although I fear having a record of any kind. I have so many struggles getting housing, I fear that coming up and then my record being the one thing to keep from finding it. I know housing is not an issue right now, but that doesn't stop the hurricane of fears blowing through my mind.
I thought the mental health court might be helpful but it sounds different from what I thought. In my county, the lawyer described it as a place for people who don't know they have a mental illness or who are in denial about it and are self-medicating. Well, I'm real clear I'm mentally ill. And I have self-medicated a lot but am trying to use only the prescribed medicines some of which help and one which may be hurting me. And there are a LOT of appts. to go to, which don't sound useful to my needs.
In the next county their program was described as one for the "frequent fliers" basically to keep mentally ill people out of jail. That is a good thing but again doesn't really fit my situation,
How do cats know when you need a hug? My housesit kitty just jumped in my lap for few pets and loud purrs. They're good beings.
I talked to my psychiatrist about whether the medication was making me worse or better and she said it would take another week on or off it to tell if there's a difference. I decided to give it another try and had the worst nausea yet. This time I retched it was so bad. (And about an hour later my cat came in and threw up on the white carpet. Sympathy puke?)
I've been taking Benadryl with it, it seems to stop the nausea. But I think the Benadryl is probably messing with my brain, too. So I don't know what to do. I just want to stop feeling this way.
I wake up every day anxious and in a panic. Every day. I try to sleep as late and long as I can so I don't have to face the feelings of fear and terror that accompanying every awakening. That doesn't start the day off with much hope. I don't even know what I'm so afraid of. Some of it, yes. The gnawing loneliness, the fears about my future. But it's like I just fear life, being alive itself. Does that make sense? Does anyone else feel that way?
I know I wrote in my last post about accepting myself but it is hard to remember that. In fact I'd already forgotten. It's hard to accept being like this: lonely, afraid, hopeless, helpless. Fearing I'll turn even more people away from me because of how I am. I don't have friends, just people I know. If they knew what was really going on they'd throw me out like everyone else has. I have my two neighbors who will help in a crisis. I am very grateful for that but it doesn't mean we are friends, just that they will help in a crisis. I don't know how to explain it. They'd help anyone in the same situation but aren't particularly concerned about me specifically if that makes sense.
So the loneliness and the fear eat away at me. I try to accept or face it or battle it but nothing seems to work. It doesn't change. I guess like Marcus said, only I can change but I can't seem to figure out how.
Anyway, I'm grateful for you all more than I can say.
As far as my decision, I don't really have any friends and I have no family whatsoever to ask. I did ask my counselor and she suggested like Dee to write it all out in pros and cons. It's a hard decision to make. I lean towards the misdemeanor like Startingover suggested, although I fear having a record of any kind. I have so many struggles getting housing, I fear that coming up and then my record being the one thing to keep from finding it. I know housing is not an issue right now, but that doesn't stop the hurricane of fears blowing through my mind.
I thought the mental health court might be helpful but it sounds different from what I thought. In my county, the lawyer described it as a place for people who don't know they have a mental illness or who are in denial about it and are self-medicating. Well, I'm real clear I'm mentally ill. And I have self-medicated a lot but am trying to use only the prescribed medicines some of which help and one which may be hurting me. And there are a LOT of appts. to go to, which don't sound useful to my needs.
In the next county their program was described as one for the "frequent fliers" basically to keep mentally ill people out of jail. That is a good thing but again doesn't really fit my situation,
How do cats know when you need a hug? My housesit kitty just jumped in my lap for few pets and loud purrs. They're good beings.
I talked to my psychiatrist about whether the medication was making me worse or better and she said it would take another week on or off it to tell if there's a difference. I decided to give it another try and had the worst nausea yet. This time I retched it was so bad. (And about an hour later my cat came in and threw up on the white carpet. Sympathy puke?)
I've been taking Benadryl with it, it seems to stop the nausea. But I think the Benadryl is probably messing with my brain, too. So I don't know what to do. I just want to stop feeling this way.
I wake up every day anxious and in a panic. Every day. I try to sleep as late and long as I can so I don't have to face the feelings of fear and terror that accompanying every awakening. That doesn't start the day off with much hope. I don't even know what I'm so afraid of. Some of it, yes. The gnawing loneliness, the fears about my future. But it's like I just fear life, being alive itself. Does that make sense? Does anyone else feel that way?
I know I wrote in my last post about accepting myself but it is hard to remember that. In fact I'd already forgotten. It's hard to accept being like this: lonely, afraid, hopeless, helpless. Fearing I'll turn even more people away from me because of how I am. I don't have friends, just people I know. If they knew what was really going on they'd throw me out like everyone else has. I have my two neighbors who will help in a crisis. I am very grateful for that but it doesn't mean we are friends, just that they will help in a crisis. I don't know how to explain it. They'd help anyone in the same situation but aren't particularly concerned about me specifically if that makes sense.
So the loneliness and the fear eat away at me. I try to accept or face it or battle it but nothing seems to work. It doesn't change. I guess like Marcus said, only I can change but I can't seem to figure out how.
Anyway, I'm grateful for you all more than I can say.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
I hope you feel better soon Lyoness & when you do get started on writing
Cats are awesome although my last 2 pets have been dogs I had a cat in my teens I was even a midwife to her litter
Hang on in there Lyoness you always have us to lean on
Cats are awesome although my last 2 pets have been dogs I had a cat in my teens I was even a midwife to her litter
Hang on in there Lyoness you always have us to lean on
Night owl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Thank you soberwolf.
I've spent the last hour or so watching TED talks on youtube. I started with the one that soberwolf posted in your thread and then moved on to others. There are some really great ones, most have had me crying. I appreciated some in particular, one that talked about how trauma is related to addiction and others that talked about depression and suicide.
In one the speaker talked of his own experience and of coming to the place of not fighting his depression or his monsters but of finally accepting where he was and what was happening. And I think that is the message I most need, I keep hearing it here and elsewhere. I have been fighting how I am, how I feel, feeling horrible for daring to be depressed and messed up which of course creates more self-hatred and then more depression. It's a terrible self-feeding cycle, just like addiction. We use to be free of pain for a few minutes then feel guilty for using then add that pain to the pain we're already trying to escape and on it goes.
So I'm sitting here thinking about what would happen if I just accepted where and how I am. I didn't hate it or try to force it away or hate myself for feeling this way. I just accepted and allowed. I am depressed, I am suicidal, I am messed up. What if it doesn't make me evil or wrong or bad or worthy of hate, like my inner voices tell me I am. What if it's okay to just BE as I am and accept that, what would happen? Would I get better? Would I get worse? Would I hate myself more or maybe a little less?
Why do I let others dictate how I should feel or be? I'm thinking of the people in my f2f life, those who don't want the damaged me. Why do I care what they think? They obviously don't give a damn about me, why do I give one about them?
I don't know the answers to these questions but I felt just the tiniest flicker of freedom while listening to these people talk and considering just accepting myself, just allowing myself to be and see what happens.
I've spent the last hour or so watching TED talks on youtube. I started with the one that soberwolf posted in your thread and then moved on to others. There are some really great ones, most have had me crying. I appreciated some in particular, one that talked about how trauma is related to addiction and others that talked about depression and suicide.
In one the speaker talked of his own experience and of coming to the place of not fighting his depression or his monsters but of finally accepting where he was and what was happening. And I think that is the message I most need, I keep hearing it here and elsewhere. I have been fighting how I am, how I feel, feeling horrible for daring to be depressed and messed up which of course creates more self-hatred and then more depression. It's a terrible self-feeding cycle, just like addiction. We use to be free of pain for a few minutes then feel guilty for using then add that pain to the pain we're already trying to escape and on it goes.
So I'm sitting here thinking about what would happen if I just accepted where and how I am. I didn't hate it or try to force it away or hate myself for feeling this way. I just accepted and allowed. I am depressed, I am suicidal, I am messed up. What if it doesn't make me evil or wrong or bad or worthy of hate, like my inner voices tell me I am. What if it's okay to just BE as I am and accept that, what would happen? Would I get better? Would I get worse? Would I hate myself more or maybe a little less?
Why do I let others dictate how I should feel or be? I'm thinking of the people in my f2f life, those who don't want the damaged me. Why do I care what they think? They obviously don't give a damn about me, why do I give one about them?
I don't know the answers to these questions but I felt just the tiniest flicker of freedom while listening to these people talk and considering just accepting myself, just allowing myself to be and see what happens.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 357
Originally Posted by Lyoness
Thank you soberwolf.
I've spent the last hour or so watching TED talks on youtube. I started with the one that soberwolf posted in your thread and then moved on to others. There are some really great ones, most have had me crying. I appreciated some in particular, one that talked about how trauma is related to addiction and others that talked about depression and suicide.
In one the speaker talked of his own experience and of coming to the place of not fighting his depression or his monsters but of finally accepting where he was and what was happening. And I think that is the message I most need, I keep hearing it here and elsewhere. I have been fighting how I am, how I feel, feeling horrible for daring to be depressed and messed up which of course creates more self-hatred and then more depression. It's a terrible self-feeding cycle, just like addiction. We use to be free of pain for a few minutes then feel guilty for using then add that pain to the pain we're already trying to escape and on it goes.
So I'm sitting here thinking about what would happen if I just accepted where and how I am. I didn't hate it or try to force it away or hate myself for feeling this way. I just accepted and allowed. I am depressed, I am suicidal, I am messed up. What if it doesn't make me evil or wrong or bad or worthy of hate, like my inner voices tell me I am. What if it's okay to just BE as I am and accept that, what would happen? Would I get better? Would I get worse? Would I hate myself more or maybe a little less?
Why do I let others dictate how I should feel or be? I'm thinking of the people in my f2f life, those who don't want the damaged me. Why do I care what they think? They obviously don't give a damn about me, why do I give one about them?
I don't know the answers to these questions but I felt just the tiniest flicker of freedom while listening to these people talk and considering just accepting myself, just allowing myself to be and see what happens.
I've spent the last hour or so watching TED talks on youtube. I started with the one that soberwolf posted in your thread and then moved on to others. There are some really great ones, most have had me crying. I appreciated some in particular, one that talked about how trauma is related to addiction and others that talked about depression and suicide.
In one the speaker talked of his own experience and of coming to the place of not fighting his depression or his monsters but of finally accepting where he was and what was happening. And I think that is the message I most need, I keep hearing it here and elsewhere. I have been fighting how I am, how I feel, feeling horrible for daring to be depressed and messed up which of course creates more self-hatred and then more depression. It's a terrible self-feeding cycle, just like addiction. We use to be free of pain for a few minutes then feel guilty for using then add that pain to the pain we're already trying to escape and on it goes.
So I'm sitting here thinking about what would happen if I just accepted where and how I am. I didn't hate it or try to force it away or hate myself for feeling this way. I just accepted and allowed. I am depressed, I am suicidal, I am messed up. What if it doesn't make me evil or wrong or bad or worthy of hate, like my inner voices tell me I am. What if it's okay to just BE as I am and accept that, what would happen? Would I get better? Would I get worse? Would I hate myself more or maybe a little less?
Why do I let others dictate how I should feel or be? I'm thinking of the people in my f2f life, those who don't want the damaged me. Why do I care what they think? They obviously don't give a damn about me, why do I give one about them?
I don't know the answers to these questions but I felt just the tiniest flicker of freedom while listening to these people talk and considering just accepting myself, just allowing myself to be and see what happens.
I still have a deep sense that 2016 will be a new start. You have reached your lowest ebb and now is the time to start a fresh.
Night owl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Thank you again.
I am now four days off the antidepressant I was taking and I feel as if I am coming out of a fog. IT has been toxic and bad for me, it just took me down so slowly I didn't realize that the medication was making me worse til now. I have been trying to do the right thing, to give medication a try to help me and it made me worse. Much worse.
I have had two other antidepressants make me suicidal but those were both really fast and obvious. This was slow and at the pace of my depression, plus it's winter, plus my b-day is coming up, plus I was already depressed. So I couldn't really tell it was the medication.
I talked with psychiatrist last week and she was indecisive if I should stay on it but said it would probably take a week off it or on it to tell the difference. Well, four days in I am beginning to awaken.
I still feel fear, and depressed, and all the rest. But I feel like the black cloud that has been smothering and choking me is beginning to lift. I have felt so truly pinned down, so crushed, that I could do nothing at all. Nothing. Taking a shower was a huge deal.
I don't want to get my hopes up too much but since I did stop the medication and I am noticing a difference I am feeling a little more hope. I wouldn't have lasted much longer as I was going. Now I have to decide if I am willing to try any other meds or just stay the heck away from them. There is one I have wanted to try for months but the psychiatrist was not open to it, I had to try these other two first. So we'll see.
I really appreciate all of you still reaching out to me and not giving up on me. That is rare in my life. Thank you.
I'm not sure what is next but I see my counselor tomorrow and am hoping to go to see her rather than have a phone session. I am out of food and haven't been out in almost two weeks and then for the awful fingerprinting. So I need some positive experiences.
I am now four days off the antidepressant I was taking and I feel as if I am coming out of a fog. IT has been toxic and bad for me, it just took me down so slowly I didn't realize that the medication was making me worse til now. I have been trying to do the right thing, to give medication a try to help me and it made me worse. Much worse.
I have had two other antidepressants make me suicidal but those were both really fast and obvious. This was slow and at the pace of my depression, plus it's winter, plus my b-day is coming up, plus I was already depressed. So I couldn't really tell it was the medication.
I talked with psychiatrist last week and she was indecisive if I should stay on it but said it would probably take a week off it or on it to tell the difference. Well, four days in I am beginning to awaken.
I still feel fear, and depressed, and all the rest. But I feel like the black cloud that has been smothering and choking me is beginning to lift. I have felt so truly pinned down, so crushed, that I could do nothing at all. Nothing. Taking a shower was a huge deal.
I don't want to get my hopes up too much but since I did stop the medication and I am noticing a difference I am feeling a little more hope. I wouldn't have lasted much longer as I was going. Now I have to decide if I am willing to try any other meds or just stay the heck away from them. There is one I have wanted to try for months but the psychiatrist was not open to it, I had to try these other two first. So we'll see.
I really appreciate all of you still reaching out to me and not giving up on me. That is rare in my life. Thank you.
I'm not sure what is next but I see my counselor tomorrow and am hoping to go to see her rather than have a phone session. I am out of food and haven't been out in almost two weeks and then for the awful fingerprinting. So I need some positive experiences.
Night owl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Originally Posted by Startingover444
That tiny flicker of freedom is your key!! It is in there and you have it! Your survival instinct is just beginning to kick in and that is wonderful. It is hard to not give a **** about what others think. But it is not impossible. I love my online friends as they do not judge me. I have met a couple of them face to face and I think that they will always be there as they know the deep down me that I may not share with others. Maybe that is an option for you?
I still have a deep sense that 2016 will be a new start. You have reached your lowest ebb and now is the time to start a fresh.
I still have a deep sense that 2016 will be a new start. You have reached your lowest ebb and now is the time to start a fresh.
I have tried accepting myself more, I've done lots of crying and some writing. Both moved stuff. I know I need a lot more support and help. I still need a doctor, and a regular therapist, and friends. That's a tall order.
I think that's great that you've made some f2f friends from SR. I don't know that that could happen for me as the U.S. is way bigger than than the U.K. and I'm on the coast. But who knows? I do know there is someone that I think is about 5 hours away but we haven't ever done more than post in each other's threads and I think she has been off SR for awhile. I'm just guessing about her location.
Anyway, I am going to put at least some faith in your deep sense. I hope it's right. Certainly you have been so kind, wise, supportive and helpful. Maybe you know something I don't?
and
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Mi
Posts: 1,318
Lyoness, I'm so happy that you're fog is beginning to lift. You know how doctors always want you to stay on new meds for a certain amount of time? Well, I think some people can feel the effects of meds sooner than other people. I'm a lightweight when it comes to medication and drugs. I could tell within 3 days that paxil was not the antidepressant for me. I felt absolutely no emotion while on it. That may sound like a good thing, but trust me, it's not lol. That's not to say that you can feel the effects of meds quickly like me, but I'm sure there are people out there who do.
You may not want to get your hopes up, but I will, for you. Big ((( Hugs )))
You may not want to get your hopes up, but I will, for you.
Big ((( Hugs )))
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