Jails, institutions and death--I made a big mistake
Night owl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
It is good to hear that you and your husband are doing so well. Like you I've fought depression for decades, five of them in fact. I know I had bouts of depression as a toddler or even younger, even had some aspects of "failure to thrive." I remember feeling crazy, separate from myself and everything from about age 9 to 13. And I remember when that depression lifted by itself. I just started to feel human again, like I was plugged back into the rest of life, people, the earth.
I think that's what depression feels like for me, just being separated from everything--myself, other humans, nature (which is usually a deep connection), just everything. I guess that's why it's so dangerous and what makes people isolate and become suicidal. I have many years spent suicidally depressed and a few attempts under my belt.
I don't know all my family history bc I'm adopted, but the parts I know point to mental health issues and addiction. I know of at least one death by suicide, my birth mother died of hepatitis (IV drug user likely) and I'm sure there's more. And my adoptive family had depression, addiction, and I was severely abused. So, I guess the chances of my not becoming a mentally ill addict are pretty slim.
It's taken a long time to accept this depression is a lifelong DISEASE, not just some random condition and I'm going to have to DEAL with it, treat it, for the rest of my life. (Caps are for me, to remind me.) Like I'm sure you have, I have tried many, many, many things. I think I just got tired after a point.
I know when I first had the opiates they affected my mood as much as my physical pain. That is what is so appealing and dangerous about them for so many of us. Because for so many of us they act like an antidepressant, at first or for awhile, until addiction takes over. I mean when I was taking those crazy amounts of oxy, I was in another zone, depressed or not, I was in the "pink blanket/numbed/comfort zone" of dope. There wasn't much of me there.
And that's what has made this recovery so different from what I thought it would be. I didn't expect to get sideswiped by depression and mental illness so suddenly, so intensely and overwhelmingly. I thought maybe I could work on one thing at a time, not everything all at once crippling and crushing me.
I got off my antidepressant and anxiety meds after getting off the oxy, etc. I went the suboxone route which I, my counselor, my doctor thought the best route. But it turned out the naloxone portion of it gave me depression too. (And my new psychiatrist even validated that which was, well, validating. I've run across more people who've had the same issues.) Hence the methadone I'm on now. That switch helped tremendously with the depression and stopped the intense physical cravings I was having.
And now I'm looking at the methadone. What is the best decision moving forward. I am weaning down. I don't want to go off it cold turkey. And I am nervous about the PAWS, and depression, etc. from going off it. I keep reading about that happening to people. So I need to have some other options in place.
I do think, though, that for some or more than some of us, our depressions are rooted in or are also in our endorphin systems, not just the serotonin system. That's why we respond so amazingly to the opiates at first. I mean that feeling of not being depressed, that IS a high unto itself. Just freedom from the soul sucking and crushing, even for a few hours is a miracle. So ways to heal that system I think really need to be studied and some treatments figured out. I have read that some of the newer antidepressants being tested are working on the endorphin/enkaphalin system. Without making people "high." About time I say! Especially for those with trauma histories, that system in particular can get way messed up.
And yes, you're right, that having the support here is a big help. And not having legal issues and being dumped by friends would help a lot, too. I left SR because I felt I needed to focus more on the mental health stuff but I obviously wasn't so successful. I did find a therapist I really liked, one phone call was this amazing healing session, but unfortunately I cannot afford to see her and she couldn't afford pro bono right then. But she really "got" my trauma issues, it's was like she could pierce right through the fog surrounding me but gently which is what I need.
So, there's a story you didn't ask for but I told it anyway, lol. I think so many of us have mental health stuff, dual diagnosis, it really helps to talk about it, too.
=<^o^>=
I think that's what depression feels like for me, just being separated from everything--myself, other humans, nature (which is usually a deep connection), just everything. I guess that's why it's so dangerous and what makes people isolate and become suicidal. I have many years spent suicidally depressed and a few attempts under my belt.
I don't know all my family history bc I'm adopted, but the parts I know point to mental health issues and addiction. I know of at least one death by suicide, my birth mother died of hepatitis (IV drug user likely) and I'm sure there's more. And my adoptive family had depression, addiction, and I was severely abused. So, I guess the chances of my not becoming a mentally ill addict are pretty slim.
It's taken a long time to accept this depression is a lifelong DISEASE, not just some random condition and I'm going to have to DEAL with it, treat it, for the rest of my life. (Caps are for me, to remind me.) Like I'm sure you have, I have tried many, many, many things. I think I just got tired after a point.
I know when I first had the opiates they affected my mood as much as my physical pain. That is what is so appealing and dangerous about them for so many of us. Because for so many of us they act like an antidepressant, at first or for awhile, until addiction takes over. I mean when I was taking those crazy amounts of oxy, I was in another zone, depressed or not, I was in the "pink blanket/numbed/comfort zone" of dope. There wasn't much of me there.
And that's what has made this recovery so different from what I thought it would be. I didn't expect to get sideswiped by depression and mental illness so suddenly, so intensely and overwhelmingly. I thought maybe I could work on one thing at a time, not everything all at once crippling and crushing me.
I got off my antidepressant and anxiety meds after getting off the oxy, etc. I went the suboxone route which I, my counselor, my doctor thought the best route. But it turned out the naloxone portion of it gave me depression too. (And my new psychiatrist even validated that which was, well, validating. I've run across more people who've had the same issues.) Hence the methadone I'm on now. That switch helped tremendously with the depression and stopped the intense physical cravings I was having.
And now I'm looking at the methadone. What is the best decision moving forward. I am weaning down. I don't want to go off it cold turkey. And I am nervous about the PAWS, and depression, etc. from going off it. I keep reading about that happening to people. So I need to have some other options in place.
I do think, though, that for some or more than some of us, our depressions are rooted in or are also in our endorphin systems, not just the serotonin system. That's why we respond so amazingly to the opiates at first. I mean that feeling of not being depressed, that IS a high unto itself. Just freedom from the soul sucking and crushing, even for a few hours is a miracle. So ways to heal that system I think really need to be studied and some treatments figured out. I have read that some of the newer antidepressants being tested are working on the endorphin/enkaphalin system. Without making people "high." About time I say! Especially for those with trauma histories, that system in particular can get way messed up.
And yes, you're right, that having the support here is a big help. And not having legal issues and being dumped by friends would help a lot, too. I left SR because I felt I needed to focus more on the mental health stuff but I obviously wasn't so successful. I did find a therapist I really liked, one phone call was this amazing healing session, but unfortunately I cannot afford to see her and she couldn't afford pro bono right then. But she really "got" my trauma issues, it's was like she could pierce right through the fog surrounding me but gently which is what I need.
So, there's a story you didn't ask for but I told it anyway, lol. I think so many of us have mental health stuff, dual diagnosis, it really helps to talk about it, too.
=<^o^>=
RIP Maria
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: AR
Posts: 7,654
Well Lyoness? Now I know a whole lot more than I did before! Kind of leaves me w/o a whole lot to offer on advice or suggestions! Not saying I'm abandoning you here though! So don't think the worst!
Hugs to ya for now! Gotta get Molly put to bed!
TOD
Hugs to ya for now! Gotta get Molly put to bed!
TOD
Night owl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Originally Posted by Tiredofdrugs 
Well Lyoness? Now I know a whole lot more than I did before! Kind of leaves me w/o a whole lot to offer on advice or suggestions! Not saying I'm abandoning you here though! So don't think the worst!
Hugs to ya for now! Gotta get Molly put to bed!
TOD
Hugs to ya for now! Gotta get Molly put to bed!
TOD
Night owl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
I know I "owe" Startingover one thing today but I've been kind of a blank. So hoping I'll have two tomorrow. That was a clever idea, especially because it's slow. I think my changes tend to come slowly and maybe eventually this will fool my inner voices that beat me up so much. I've tried beating them up but without much success. Well, a long time ago I did but that's when I was doing nothing but therapy and healing work.
Anyway, good night to everyone! Or morning or whatever time of day it is. It's almost 5 a.m. here and I gotta head to bed. Thank you all again for your love and support. It means the world!
Anyway, good night to everyone! Or morning or whatever time of day it is. It's almost 5 a.m. here and I gotta head to bed. Thank you all again for your love and support. It means the world!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 357
Hey Lyoness, your story is horrendous. Absolutely no doubt about that and I cannot imagine having to cope with such unbearable hardship.
One thing that does strike me, is, how come you came off the anti depressants and anti anxiety meds once you came off the Oxy? Do you think it may have been too soon? Would it not be advisable to stay on them long term to keep you even? With everything you have been through I would have thought that you may need long term support with meds? I don't know if that might be an option?
And yes you do owe me a couple of positive things. ESPECIALLY when your mind goes blank
One positive thing I can think of for you is that you have the energy to write amazing posts. Your writing is great you know. I read your posts and can picture myself feeling how you might feel. Imagine if you couldnt express yourself by writing? Now that would be awful. But you can and that is one hell of an outlet for you. And you do it so eloquently.
I will give you that one, and you need to give me one more
One thing that does strike me, is, how come you came off the anti depressants and anti anxiety meds once you came off the Oxy? Do you think it may have been too soon? Would it not be advisable to stay on them long term to keep you even? With everything you have been through I would have thought that you may need long term support with meds? I don't know if that might be an option?
And yes you do owe me a couple of positive things. ESPECIALLY when your mind goes blank
One positive thing I can think of for you is that you have the energy to write amazing posts. Your writing is great you know. I read your posts and can picture myself feeling how you might feel. Imagine if you couldnt express yourself by writing? Now that would be awful. But you can and that is one hell of an outlet for you. And you do it so eloquently. I will give you that one, and you need to give me one more
Night owl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Originally Posted by Startingover444
Hey Lyoness, your story is horrendous. Absolutely no doubt about that and I cannot imagine having to cope with such unbearable hardship.
One thing that does strike me, is, how come you came off the anti depressants and anti anxiety meds once you came off the Oxy? Do you think it may have been too soon? Would it not be advisable to stay on them long term to keep you even? With everything you have been through I would have thought that you may need long term support with meds? I don't know if that might be an option?
And yes you do owe me a couple of positive things. ESPECIALLY when your mind goes blank One positive thing I can think of for you is that you have the energy to write amazing posts. Your writing is great you know. I read your posts and can picture myself feeling how you might feel. Imagine if you couldnt express yourself by writing? Now that would be awful. But you can and that is one hell of an outlet for you. And you do it so eloquently.
I will give you that one, and you need to give me one more
One thing that does strike me, is, how come you came off the anti depressants and anti anxiety meds once you came off the Oxy? Do you think it may have been too soon? Would it not be advisable to stay on them long term to keep you even? With everything you have been through I would have thought that you may need long term support with meds? I don't know if that might be an option?
And yes you do owe me a couple of positive things. ESPECIALLY when your mind goes blank
One positive thing I can think of for you is that you have the energy to write amazing posts. Your writing is great you know. I read your posts and can picture myself feeling how you might feel. Imagine if you couldnt express yourself by writing? Now that would be awful. But you can and that is one hell of an outlet for you. And you do it so eloquently. I will give you that one, and you need to give me one more
I went off the anxiety med because no one would prescribe it for me. It was partly my choice with going off the opiates and partly that no one would rx it anyway. So that one wasn't really a choice. I went off the antidepressant after a year. I felt it wasn't really working and that it was time. Well, I did wind up getting rebound depression to go with the rebound anxiety of the other med. Then that autumn I fell into a severe depression. I've been going from partly to suicidally depressed since then.
As for my "things." I'll take your one for sure! My counselor suggested that my willingness to try yet another antidepressant counts as one, too. And I've said it before but I am saying it again. I got up today. Past few days have been hell but I am up today and going to town. (I've been living on soda crackers and cereal.) Oh, and I finally called my lawyer to check in about our next day in court. Been dreading that. And am really dreading and fearing going to court. I figure that's some of the growing anxiety.
So that's a few. I'm only doing this for you now. Just so you know!
Okay, I'm stalling, now I must leave the house and go to town... Here I go....! WIsh me well!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
My dear Lyoness,
I'm right behind you, caring and supporting you. Please don't fear something that hasn't happened yet...it will only plunge you deeper into that painful word, I'd love to kill it for you, depression.
I'm so pleased to hear you went to town, did something, go somewhere and get something done. Did you feel better my dear Lyoness? I pray you did.
The strength I read between your words inspires me. You know I'm always, as the other SR family members that love and support you, we are here with you.
Put every ounce of effort into accepting that what will be will.
You can do this! You are one of the most strongest, beautiful and honest souls on SR.
We love you, remember that...
TF
I'm right behind you, caring and supporting you. Please don't fear something that hasn't happened yet...it will only plunge you deeper into that painful word, I'd love to kill it for you, depression.
I'm so pleased to hear you went to town, did something, go somewhere and get something done. Did you feel better my dear Lyoness? I pray you did.
The strength I read between your words inspires me. You know I'm always, as the other SR family members that love and support you, we are here with you.
Put every ounce of effort into accepting that what will be will.
You can do this! You are one of the most strongest, beautiful and honest souls on SR.
We love you, remember that...
TF
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 357
Originally Posted by Lyoness
Hey there! I guess I owe you more than a couple. Past few days have been really rough again, anxiety back with a vengeance, sinking into despair, loneliness. I had thought new medication was working but now I'm not so sure. It seems to be causing irritability and short temper and that is not a good sign. I had felt anxiety lifting a little but it's back. So maybe this med will just be another failure. Like me.
I went off the anxiety med because no one would prescribe it for me. It was partly my choice with going off the opiates and partly that no one would rx it anyway. So that one wasn't really a choice. I went off the antidepressant after a year. I felt it wasn't really working and that it was time. Well, I did wind up getting rebound depression to go with the rebound anxiety of the other med. Then that autumn I fell into a severe depression. I've been going from partly to suicidally depressed since then.
As for my "things." I'll take your one for sure! My counselor suggested that my willingness to try yet another antidepressant counts as one, too. And I've said it before but I am saying it again. I got up today. Past few days have been hell but I am up today and going to town. (I've been living on soda crackers and cereal.) Oh, and I finally called my lawyer to check in about our next day in court. Been dreading that. And am really dreading and fearing going to court. I figure that's some of the growing anxiety.
So that's a few. I'm only doing this for you now. Just so you know!
Okay, I'm stalling, now I must leave the house and go to town... Here I go....! WIsh me well!
I went off the anxiety med because no one would prescribe it for me. It was partly my choice with going off the opiates and partly that no one would rx it anyway. So that one wasn't really a choice. I went off the antidepressant after a year. I felt it wasn't really working and that it was time. Well, I did wind up getting rebound depression to go with the rebound anxiety of the other med. Then that autumn I fell into a severe depression. I've been going from partly to suicidally depressed since then.
As for my "things." I'll take your one for sure! My counselor suggested that my willingness to try yet another antidepressant counts as one, too. And I've said it before but I am saying it again. I got up today. Past few days have been hell but I am up today and going to town. (I've been living on soda crackers and cereal.) Oh, and I finally called my lawyer to check in about our next day in court. Been dreading that. And am really dreading and fearing going to court. I figure that's some of the growing anxiety.
So that's a few. I'm only doing this for you now. Just so you know!
Okay, I'm stalling, now I must leave the house and go to town... Here I go....! WIsh me well!
When is your next date for court? Once that is all over you can start to rebuild your life, but yes It must be so difficult with that hanging over you.
I have a feeling though, that 2016 will be a better year for you. I don't know why but I just do. I think this year you have been through absolute hell but that has proved how strong you really are even though you probably don't believe it.
I do hope going into town gave you a little boost and you got yourself some nutritious food. I always find moving helps if I am depressed. Yet sometimes it is so hard to move.
BTW who prescribed the anti depressants? Do they have any other options for you to try? Or is it too early to tell that they are not helping?
Night owl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Originally Posted by Twofish
My dear Lyoness,
I'm right behind you, caring and supporting you. Please don't fear something that hasn't happened yet...it will only plunge you deeper into that painful word, I'd love to kill it for you, depression.
I'm so pleased to hear you went to town, did something, go somewhere and get something done. Did you feel better my dear Lyoness? I pray you did.
The strength I read between your words inspires me. You know I'm always, as the other SR family members that love and support you, we are here with you.
Put every ounce of effort into accepting that what will be will.
You can do this! You are one of the most strongest, beautiful and honest souls on SR.
We love you, remember that...
TF
I'm right behind you, caring and supporting you. Please don't fear something that hasn't happened yet...it will only plunge you deeper into that painful word, I'd love to kill it for you, depression.
I'm so pleased to hear you went to town, did something, go somewhere and get something done. Did you feel better my dear Lyoness? I pray you did.
The strength I read between your words inspires me. You know I'm always, as the other SR family members that love and support you, we are here with you.
Put every ounce of effort into accepting that what will be will.
You can do this! You are one of the most strongest, beautiful and honest souls on SR.
We love you, remember that...
TF
I hate constantly complaining about it too. You must all want to smack me, tell me to shut up and get over it. I want to say that to myself or this beast inside of me. It gets so bad I literally smack myself on the head, just to make it stop.
But your words were so kind and loving, they made me cry and feel in a positive way. Thank you so very much.
Night owl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Originally Posted by Startingover444
I guessed you were having a tough time. Your counsellor is right, you are STILL willing to try things. That is for sure a positive and proof that you are not ready to throw in the towel.
When is your next date for court? Once that is all over you can start to rebuild your life, but yes It must be so difficult with that hanging over you.
I have a feeling though, that 2016 will be a better year for you. I don't know why but I just do. I think this year you have been through absolute hell but that has proved how strong you really are even though you probably don't believe it.
I do hope going into town gave you a little boost and you got yourself some nutritious food. I always find moving helps if I am depressed. Yet sometimes it is so hard to move.
BTW who prescribed the anti depressants? Do they have any other options for you to try? Or is it too early to tell that they are not helping?
When is your next date for court? Once that is all over you can start to rebuild your life, but yes It must be so difficult with that hanging over you.
I have a feeling though, that 2016 will be a better year for you. I don't know why but I just do. I think this year you have been through absolute hell but that has proved how strong you really are even though you probably don't believe it.
I do hope going into town gave you a little boost and you got yourself some nutritious food. I always find moving helps if I am depressed. Yet sometimes it is so hard to move.
BTW who prescribed the anti depressants? Do they have any other options for you to try? Or is it too early to tell that they are not helping?
I appreciate your empathy and sensing I was not doing so great. Second, you read above how my day went. I have this inner dialogue, trying to buy some food for myself with that voice telling me why, "you're not going to need it." Well, I am committed to taking care of housesit kitty so that's for next two months. Two months to figure out something.My next court date is Monday. It is a "status hearing" where basically my lawyer is going to ask for more time to put our case together/figure out what to do. As I've been pretty much a basket case, nothing has happened in the past two weeks. I also have to go get my picture taken and fingerprinted. I am avoiding this. It is so frightening to me, so demeaning and dehumanizing. Labeling me a criminal no matter what the truth is. It just sucks.
I hope 2016 will be a better year. I will turn 52 in a few weeks, just before the new year. I know this is going to sound strange but it always seems like the 1 year of a new decade (i.e. 21, 31, etc.) is a really hellish year. I do NOT try to feed this thought, I try to do everything I can to make it not so. But it just seems to turn out that way. I won't go into a big list, but those years are always years of hell. I don't know why, why that number seems to be cursed for me but it is.
So I'm hoping just hitting 52 will help things get better. Sounds wacky, I know, but it's happened every "1" year so something is up.
And I trust your feeling about this. Sometimes people just sense things and I am going to trust yours.
I am going to call my psychiatrist on Monday and hopefully talk to her before the holiday. Ask her about these side effects and how long I should give it to work. Like I said, it seemed to be working at first but now I feel like I'm just sinking again, with irritability and short temper added just for fun.
The way the "leaving" feelings hit me out of the blue today also worries me. I haven't had a lot of these experiences, but a few trials of antidepressants got me feeling angry, aggressive, suicidal. It can be hard to sort out what's "real" and what's from the medicine so I need her to help me clarify. But if it's the med....well, that's the end of that trial! I can get suicidal all my own thanks very much.
That leaves one more to try. One that my genetic testing said is a good choice for me. If that doesn't work then I don't know.
Ideally I would be working with a skilled Naturopath, acupuncturist and other "alternative" practitioners but my insurance doesn't cover them. But maybe I could find some to do sliding scale or pro bono or something. (I'd say work exchange but I'm not very reliable right now.)
I thank you (and everyone) for your continued compassion. I feel like I am just driving everyone crazy and away. I mean I just feel that I offer nothing but misery and that really sucks. I really don't want to be this giant loser that I've turned out to be, honest.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Mi
Posts: 1,318
I 2nd what Soberwolf said...you're not driving anyone away & you're not a looser. You're a good woman just trying to survive the best you can. This is a great place to seek out support, advice or just chat, a place to find compassion, empathy & caring.
I'm very sorry you've been so depressed lately. I was really hoping that your new antidepressant would work for you hun. Keep posting. Big ((( hugs )))
I'm very sorry you've been so depressed lately. I was really hoping that your new antidepressant would work for you hun. Keep posting. Big ((( hugs )))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 357
Lyoness you are certainly not driving anyone away. Your openess and willing to discuss your issues is helpful to us all and I am sure it is helpful to you too.
When I first went on ADs it took quite a while for the nasty side effects to settle down. ADs are not the answer to everything as you know. But if you find the right one it may just help you over the humps in a more manageable way.
With your court case. I will be thinking of you and sending good vibes. If you can possibly do so, get everything including the fingerprints done as soon as possible. Fear of the unknown is crippling and that will not be helping you my friend
When I first went on ADs it took quite a while for the nasty side effects to settle down. ADs are not the answer to everything as you know. But if you find the right one it may just help you over the humps in a more manageable way.
With your court case. I will be thinking of you and sending good vibes. If you can possibly do so, get everything including the fingerprints done as soon as possible. Fear of the unknown is crippling and that will not be helping you my friend
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
I have been silently following your journey and cheering you on as well, Lyoness, and I echo your friends sentiments. You are not driving anyone crazy or away and you are not a loser.
Please continue sharing with us.
You are doing a great job tapping into that spectacular inner depot of strength and offer everyone much more than 'just misery'.
Please continue sharing with us.
You are doing a great job tapping into that spectacular inner depot of strength and offer everyone much more than 'just misery'.
Night owl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Orion spur of the Milky Way galaxy
Posts: 2,050
Thank you everyone for your kind words, you don't know how deeply they touch my broken heart.
I wish I understood what was wrong with me, why I go up and especially DOWN with such rapidity. I've just been in a pit of despair these past few days, not sure what to do or why I felt human for a few days then back to this. I guess fear of court is part of it. Even tho I know basically what to expect I am still terrified.
And you're right Startingover that I should get that horrid task over with but I am terrified of that too. Just the thought of going into the jail, where I will be treated like a GUILTY criminal and "processed" totally freaks me out.
So I'm falling back into my hole--hiding, sleeping, not eating much,trying hard to distract myself, crying and wishing I didn't exist. I just don't have any energy, little hope, no enthusiasm for living. I'm still grieving losing my friend who has been there for me very much but who can't risk my friendship any longer.
I can't help it but I feel like garbage, like I'm always being thrown away. That's why I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me, I've been tossed out like garbage since my birth and after over fifty years of it I have to say it IS me. There is something basically, intrinsically WRONG with ME. And to be clear, I'm not saying that in hopes you will all deny it. It's just the truth that I am trying to face and stop denying.
I'm just so tired of fighting and struggling. But also afraid to feel "good" or trust anything good. I am stuck in a mire, or maybe I am the mire, and I just keep roiling and twisting and turning and getting more stuck. And I feel guilty for not being able to get myself out, unstick myself. But I just can't and I can't figure out why or see or feel any hope. Like I said, I just feel tired and mired in guilt and grief and can't get anything done.
And that causes more guilt and I'm afraid all of this will just push all of you away too. I sound so selfish. I guess I AM so selfish. I do know others are suffering and hurting too, some far worse than me. I feel it and I know it but it doesn't help me push through the inertia. Instead I just feel even more guilt.
I just feel like I don't know what to do and can't do anything anyway. And I'm so sorry to be such a total downer but this is my truth, is my life. I feel like I am letting everyone down, but honestly this is the best I can do now.
But one thing I CAN do is say thank you, each and every one of you for your kindness, your support, your reaching out and caring for someone like me.
I wish I understood what was wrong with me, why I go up and especially DOWN with such rapidity. I've just been in a pit of despair these past few days, not sure what to do or why I felt human for a few days then back to this. I guess fear of court is part of it. Even tho I know basically what to expect I am still terrified.
And you're right Startingover that I should get that horrid task over with but I am terrified of that too. Just the thought of going into the jail, where I will be treated like a GUILTY criminal and "processed" totally freaks me out.
So I'm falling back into my hole--hiding, sleeping, not eating much,trying hard to distract myself, crying and wishing I didn't exist. I just don't have any energy, little hope, no enthusiasm for living. I'm still grieving losing my friend who has been there for me very much but who can't risk my friendship any longer.
I can't help it but I feel like garbage, like I'm always being thrown away. That's why I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me, I've been tossed out like garbage since my birth and after over fifty years of it I have to say it IS me. There is something basically, intrinsically WRONG with ME. And to be clear, I'm not saying that in hopes you will all deny it. It's just the truth that I am trying to face and stop denying.
I'm just so tired of fighting and struggling. But also afraid to feel "good" or trust anything good. I am stuck in a mire, or maybe I am the mire, and I just keep roiling and twisting and turning and getting more stuck. And I feel guilty for not being able to get myself out, unstick myself. But I just can't and I can't figure out why or see or feel any hope. Like I said, I just feel tired and mired in guilt and grief and can't get anything done.
And that causes more guilt and I'm afraid all of this will just push all of you away too. I sound so selfish. I guess I AM so selfish. I do know others are suffering and hurting too, some far worse than me. I feel it and I know it but it doesn't help me push through the inertia. Instead I just feel even more guilt.
I just feel like I don't know what to do and can't do anything anyway. And I'm so sorry to be such a total downer but this is my truth, is my life. I feel like I am letting everyone down, but honestly this is the best I can do now.
But one thing I CAN do is say thank you, each and every one of you for your kindness, your support, your reaching out and caring for someone like me.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
