Dee74

(((lyonness)))

D

JK130

Wishing you the best! I hope that you feel the care and comfort sent your way

Lyoness

Thank you all for writing to me and caring. When I first saw it I cried because I couldn't believe it. I am so used to being thrown out like garbage or sewage. That was my first message in life and ongoing throughout infancy, childhood, teenage--you are GARBAGE!!!!!! And that to be thrown out sooner or later is my fate, always.

And it's just hitting hard this Christmas. Usually I ignore Christmas but I've been feeling so bad, so down, so empty and lonely, that it really hit me hard. Not one person called me. Not one person acknowledged my existence. You know if I had succeeded in my suicide attempts, it could have taken weeks or months for someone to find me because no one gives a god damn about me. And it just really hurts sometimes. I can't hold back the pain all the time.

Since my birthday, which was a good day, I have been crying a ton. Some of it feels good and cleansing some of it feels painful and drowning. And I am being taken off the methadone and I think it's too fast and I'm getting withdrawals. Withdrawals both physically--freezing cold and boiling hot, migraine, rls, can't sleep--and mentally--worsening depression again, hopelessness, despair.

I'm just run down, worn out. And I feel guilty when all I can do is come here and say I'm struggling and have nothing to give anyone. I feel selfish. But right now I also feel like I am dying. Not having one person in the "real" f2f world is a real killer. What am I living for? To be alone, hated, even my goddamn cat is treating me like slime to be avoided. I'm just in a horrible place and I couldn't bear telling you all and then having you flush me away as the garbage I am, too. If I didn't write, well at least you couldn't throw me out, right?

I said I realized stuff around my birthday. I got in touch with the CORE messages that I got from conception through teens and twenties. Two strong messages that became so internalized that I believe them too. And I also got aware of what my coping skills have been. How I learned to survive and how that affects me now. I thought that would help me change.

Instead I just am as alone, devastated and in pain as ever. My heart, soul, mind and body are broken. I am broken and utterly alone. That is why I haven't written because who wants to read this?

And I can't snap out of it, write gratitude lists, or find things to feel good about. I feel sick from these withdrawals and sick from being always garbage that people throw away. I try to believe I am not a bad person but I must be the worst of the worst. To not have a single friend, I must be the fu***** worst slime filth there is.

Okay, so I told you my truth. I'm crying as I write this, crying all the time. I'm hoping you won't post any hate toward me, I'm already there. I just don't have anything left within me to draw on. No energy, nothing. I need to go to town and I can't move, I'm too sick mentally and physically. And no, there's no one to help me or check on me or give a damn about me.

I'm sorry. I better stop. I am not in a good place. I'm sorry if I offended anyone by writing.

JK130

I care. We care.

I can read your despair. BUT, Lyonness, you are one heck of a strong person! You have had a bunch of **** come your way...and you are still here! You're too isolated, true, and perhaps malnourished, but you are here and doing a bit to take care of yourself. Can you get to some medical help? I'm sorry about the symptoms you've go going on. Please find a way to eat and drink, and call the doctor. Are you still snowed in?

I also know that you're going to be OK strong lady, because you have to woo the damn cat back!

Tiredofdrugs

Lyoness! First off! I'm not going to even address the facts of you continuing talking about US throwing you away! We've continued to respond and we keep posting back to you! So I'm ignoring all that stuff!

Secondly: Have you ever considered ordering stuff online to be mailed to your address when you don't feel like getting out? I get a lot of things delivered directly to my house due to stores don't stock them anymore! The UPS will leave it right on your doorstep! It doesn't help with your isolation problems, but it will keep food in your house so that you aren't eating butter and crackers for meals!

As for the methadone? In one of your earlier posts you failed to tell everyone you were still taking it! I remembered it though! I can't tell you how happy it is to read you are getting off that crap! Yeah the W/D's SUCK, but I'm hoping once you're off all these opiates your head will start clearing and you'll enjoy life more? (Maybe getting caught forging those scripts will be the blessing in diguise you've needed to get better)? When my doctor put me on methadone eons ago it really screwed my head up! I even freaked out one day on the crap! I went straight to the bottle and flushed everyone of those pills! There was 90 of them! It took me a good three days to get myself back to not freaking out!

You aren't yourself right now going thru these W/D's. Your kitty will come back around once you get thru it!

TOD

NOWisNOW

do care
can relate
watched my most favorite movie 'Life of Pi' prolly for the maybe 10th or 12th time midday Christmas to intentionally provoke tears...

to be endlessly caught between the misery of using drugs and the life that goes with it or the shameful thoughts of feeling life won't be worth much without'em
i'm there in my own way
couldn't tell a soul 'cept for another addict
please continue posting

your friend, Stephen

Startingover444

Lyoness, your final crutch is being taken away. Of course you feel awful. The WDs are enough to turn even the strongest person to a wreck.

Please see this for what it is. Horrendous withdrawals that will pass. And we will be here until it does and will help you pick up the pieces

Soberwolf

Sending tons of love & hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

kzaug2014

Sending healing vibes your way, Lyoness. (( Hugs ))

Lyoness

Thank you all again for writing. I want to be clear, about what TOD says, I didn't say you all abandoned me, just in my f2f life. But I get afraid you all will if I write my truth. Every single person in my life has thrown me out for being who/what I am. So I am afraid you all will too. You'll get sick of me saying the same things, not being able to change.

I don't know how much the methadone is affecting me. I have written that I am tapering off, but haven't written about it for awhile. How I feel, though, feels like how I always feel so I don't attribute it to medication or drugs. This is my life, always. Maybe the methadone is making my heart and mind hurt worse too, I don't know. I just feel the physical stuff. But going off it is probably affecting my mind. That scares me. How sick, messed up will I be when I'm off it for good? I consider I have PAWS now, how much worse will it be then?

But I can't think too much about that. I think more about how lonely I am here in real physical life. I DO appreciate all of you, no one can say otherwise. You are the only people to care at all and that means something to me. But I am still all alone and lonely in my "real" life, my f2f life. Not seeing any other people, not having having a single phone call ever, these things hurt. And I have to wonder what is so fundamentally wrong with me that I can't find a single friend in my f2f life?

I DO appreciate all of you. I cannot say how much. It's just words on a screen but I feel that you care and reach out and that means so very much to me. Please don't think I think otherwise.

Lyoness

I just reread all your posts from the past two pages, and I want to say thank you again. You DO touch my shattered heart and your kind words mean more than I can say. I am truly not used to people saying things like you all have and I try to hide from it because it hurts. It hurts when people say good things too because it pierces the wall of protection I put up against all the hate and abuse and abandonment I'm used to.

But I just wanted to say thank you. It means so much.

Dee74

Sorry I haven't posted but I have been reading - just busy here.
Keep going, Lyoness

D

Soberwolf

Have you thought about meetings ?

Startingover444

Great idea Soberwolf. Or volunteering? I met some fab people while volunteering. There are so many good causes out there that would welcome another pair of hands and if it is a cause close to your heart it will be lifeline to you and someone or something else

sugarbear1

Sending you love, hugs, and empathy as I used to feel the way you do.

I understand.

Today, my life is different. I happen to attend AA and I worked those steps. Whatever works, do it!

kzaug2014

Hey Lyoness,
I can't emphasize this too much, but methadone completely changes the chemistry of the brain. The best way I can describe it is I felt flat. I had everything that anyone in this world needs, but I was truly never happy. And, I didn't recognize this fact until I was clean for approx. a yr. because it took that long for my brain to heal. I've researched this on the internet, plus I literally feel like a different person.

I also believe in breaking down those walls. My wall was so impenetrable that a tank couldn't blow through it. I felt it was necessary to protect myself. But, keeping everyone & everything at arms length means you also keep any meaningful relationships away & never grow like you should.

I think it's super important to try to conquer what restrains us from living a fulfilling life. I don't this w/help of God, because it helps me to know that Someone all powerful ( than lol ol me ) is helping me conquer my demons. When I was cut off cold turkey from methadone, norco & klonopin, I was very, very angry! How dare that low life PA mess w/me! A_____! I turned to heroin. You know how I feel today? I feel like it was blessing directly from God. I don't think I ever would have gotten clean from prescribed meds because I thought I needed them. But, I knew for a fact that I didn't want to be a heroin addict.

I also think you should try new measures to conquer your demons because what you've done in the past hasn't worked hun. I think volunteering is a fantastic idea. Take a brick outta that wall & try something new.

Still here & not going anywhere! (( Hugs ))

kzaug2014

Hey Lyoness,
I can't emphasize this too much, but methadone completely changes the chemistry of the brain. The best way I can describe it is I felt flat for all those yrs I was on methadone. I had everything that anyone in this world needs, but I was truly never happy. And, I didn't recognize this fact until I was clean for approx. a yr. because it took that long for my brain to heal. I've researched this on the internet, plus I literally feel like a different person now.

I also believe in breaking down those walls. My wall was so impenetrable that a tank couldn't have blown through it. I felt it was necessary to protect myself. But, keeping everyone & everything at arms length means you also keep any meaningful relationships away & never grow like you should.

I think it's super important to try to conquer what restrains us from living a fulfilling life. I did this w/help of God, because it helped/helps me to know that Someone all powerful ( than lol ol me ) is helping me conquer my demons. When I was cut off cold turkey from methadone, norco & klonopin, I was very, very angry! How dare that low life PA mess w/me! A_____! And I turned to heroin. You know how I feel today? I feel like it was blessing directly from God. I don't think I ever would have gotten clean from prescribed meds because I thought I needed those meds. But, I knew for a fact that I didn't want to be a heroin addict.

I also think you should try new measures to conquer your demons because what you've done in the past hasn't worked hun. I think volunteering is a fantastic idea. Take a brick outta that wall & try something new.

Still here & not going anywhere! (( Hugs ))

kzaug2014

Oops, double post lol!

Lyoness

Thank you all again for your kind thoughts and caring. I am not doing well. I can't get out of bed. I'm sorry. I am a failure. I have no energy, no hope, no will. I just found out that my ex-doc who I thought we were mending fences has totally changed her practice. So she would have thrown me out no matter what. She could have told me that months ago and then maybe I could have found a new doctor to take me because I wouldn't have had to talk about my legal mess or push for methadone, even if just to taper it. I could have said my doc was changing her practice. That would have changed everything for me. So I think she was punishing me in her way.

And I know you all mean so very well and I appreciate it. But I can't even get out to buy food, how can I volunteer? I have lost my will. Totally. And I am tapering off the methadone. And clearly it's messing with me like you said kzaug.

But the thing is, if it will take my mind a year to heal from it, I won't make that year. I am not making it right now. All I do is cry, watch tv, and try to sleep. And cry. And cry. If tapering is making me this messed up then I won't make a year. I know you must be sick of reading this from me and I apologize. But I can't lie about it anymore. I am dying inside and out. I have nothing. I am nothing.

I realized this depression has been going on since 2010. That's what prompted my addiction. So once I got off everything but Medication Assisted Treatment, the depression came roaring back. It's like that useless psychiatrist said, I have a form of depression that never heals. It just varies in intensity. If meds can't help it then nothing can. Because the only relief I had was using. That's not saying I'm going back to using, just that that's the only relief I had.

I just can't find an out. I can't find any help. I tried meetings but they were too religious and also people weren't friendly or welcoming. They ignored me. In the month and a half I've been housesitting I've had one phone call. One. I don't know how to make or keep friends. I know how to choose the wrong people (I'm talking in f2f life) who will abuse me, but I don't know how to find real friends. And that's why I have walls up. I have been betrayed more times than I can count. I cannot trust anyone because I am sick of being abused. I've had people turn absolutely vicious, they hid sides of themselves that I did not see until too late. Then I got assaulted by them. So I feel I have nowhere to turn.

And religion is absolutely not the answer for me. I was literally tortured, raped and abused by the men in the religion I grew up in. I want nothing to do with organized religion which for me is only harmful.

I'm sorry that I cannot be better for you all or different. But I can't lie or pretend anymore. I have to do that in f2f life and I don't want to do it here. I am dying inside and nothing, nothing has helped me. I've been fighting this my whole life, doing thousands of hours of therapy and healing work. Trying to change, to heal, to be worthy of at least one friendship. But it hasn't worked. Nothing has worked. And kzaug, if I could find something that would work I'd try it. But I think there's nothing left.

I learned how to survive in childhood. How to survive true evil. What kept me alive was to endure. Endure and escape when I could. And that is where I am at now. Enduring. But I can't take it anymore. I can't endure anymore of this piece of **** life. I honestly believe there is no hope for me. So I should probably stop posting and bothering you all. How many times can you hear me say I'm depressed? I can't expect that of you all.

I don't want to lose you kind and caring people but I'm afraid if I keep posting I will. No one can bear me for long. What I am, what I feel like, is a walking corpse. I am not alive, not truly, I am just breathing and struggling to deal with the nightmare of my life. I don't understand why I have to keep enduring. I'm done. I'm useless, I'm dead inside, I'm done. I have nothing to offer because I have nothing. I AM nothing.

So I thank you all again for caring, it has meant so much. I don't know when or if I'll post again. But please know that you did touch my battered heart and I will always be grateful.

Lyoness

Lyoness

I realized I have to make one more post. I made clear what a POS I am in the above post. And that I am trying to spare you anymore of that.

But I want to make sure you all know how much I appreciate you. I can never put into words how much you all have touched me, touched my heart, helped me. I need for you to know that even if I cannot express it very well. I am grateful because you have been kinder to me than I have experienced, if not ever, then in a long, long time.

But I also know that people can only be expected to have so much patience. And since I seem only to be getting worse by the day, hour, minute, I am trying to spare us all.

But I want you to know that I thank you all and I won't ever forget your kindness.