Lyoness

I'm feeling overwhelmed. Both by my life and the chaos in my mind and also by all of you caring enough to take time to post and try to reach me. You all made me cry.

I want to respond to all your questions but it's a mishmash in my brain so I'll just do my best.

Marcus, I hear you. I really feel like it's my depression that is the problem here, all the mental health issues and not as much the addiction. But maybe I'm wrong. I just know that I got off everything and went on suboxone and I've been battling depression (yes bat sh*t crazy depression) ever since. So I think I just don't even care about addiction because I can't stand up from the depression and mental health problems. And maybe that's the wrong stance to take.

I also hear you on being afraid to change. I am terrified. I am so bad now that I truly feel terror at what could be coming around the corner. I don't BELIEVE I can get better anymore and that is at the core of this. It's been so bad, I've been so bad for so long, and done years of therapy and healing work, and here I am, in a black hole. I'm scared.

kzaug, thank you for understanding about the depression. I think that you're right, that if you haven't experienced it you just don't know how bad it can get. You can't just think positive thoughts and make it go away--you don't have any positive thoughts to think. And if you do they get bashed quickly and soundly. Add to that severe PTSD, anxiety, agoraphobia, OCD, and more and I'm in pretty deep. Oh, and the addiction. I just feel lost, and stuck, and afraid and I can't move. I try, I really do, but I fail. I'm taking this new antidepressant, just to try to get some sort of stability but it seems to be taking me further down. I'm not better, I'm worse after two or three weeks.

I struggle with forgiveness. The things that were done to me are unforgiveable. To me it's like saying it's okay what they did and that they'll never pay or make amends. I've never been able to forgive them--or myself. But if you have any books to recommend I'll look them up. Not making any promises, though. But thank you for your caring.

Startingover, thank you. You always speak to my heart and reach it. You're right, I got through it. But it's still hanging on me like a stain. I don't know how long til I feel "clean" again. But I'm going to keep rereading what you wrote to remind myself that I did it and it's over. Thank you for continuing to care even as you struggle. I am thinking about you too even if I'm too self-involved to say so. I think of everyone here.

Soberwolf, thank you for always stopping in to say you're thinking of me. It means a lot.

tomsteve, yes, that could be an option, trying to get hospitalization process started now. My housesit is til the end of January. I honestly don't know how I'm going to make it with the way I feel. Every day is a challenge to get through. But I made this commitment and I don't have any way out of it.

Along with this, I still have to decide what I'm going to plead at court. I'm deciding between asking for a misdemeanor and the mental health court. There are advantages to each and disadvantages. I don't know if the mental health court would actually help me, it's not what I thought it was. It would allow me to not have a record but I'd have to go in for court type appts on a regular basis and right now I can't even get out for counseling or food. So....

With the misdemeanor I wouldn't have to do anything except obviously not make the same mistake again. I would have a record which could be expunged in a few years. I don't want a record but I could follow my own mental health plan. Either way I will have to pay about $500, hopefully not more. But can pay over time.

As you can imagine I don't feel very capable of making the right decision. I have another status hearing in a week and I can either decide before then or get another delay.

Can I ask what you all think? I can write more details of each, as well as I understand them. But maybe one of you can see something I'm missing.

Mostly I just want to say thank you all. Thank you for continuing to reach out to me and to care when I least feel I deserve it. I don't have any f2f people except my counselor and am so lonely which makes everything so much worse. Even aside from all the mental illness, it's like why bother to go out, it's just me, me and me in a different atmosphere. IT's still just ME. And right now that sucks.

So it means more than I can say that you all still care when I feel like such worthless POS.