Lyoness

Kzaug, I'm like you, often very sensitive to meds. I've taken 1/15 the dose of a med and have it knock me out! It's only with the opiates and built up tolerance that I got to such crazy amounts. I usually start small and work my way up.

With all, or almost all, the other antidepressants I've tried the side effects usually got me in less than a week and I knew they weren't right for me. The ones that made me suicidal it was pretty quick and obvious. The more I am coming out from under this drug the more I am realizing how scary this has been. Scary and dangerous. I think it was making me a bit psychotic. Or at least not able to access any other thoughts. Now I'm having other thoughts besides terror and suicide. That's how small my mind was getting.

I bet my reaction is in the 1% or less, which I can tend to be. So doctors are surprised, aren't able to cope or conceptualize that I can have extreme responses. And like you said, want us to wait it out. Thank goodness I stopped this one or I'd probably not have made it. I'm really beginning to wake up to how insidiously this drug was messing my mind.

I know what you mean about not feeling, too. It's not good. Lexapro worked on my depression and on pain to some degree but it also gave me "flat affect" which I didn't realize til I was off it. And no dreams which is very rare for me.

This is why it's taken me over two years to consider antidepressants again.

Sorry to ramble on so long. It's like I really am just waking up from a LONG nightmare.

ETA--Thanks and to you too.

kzaug2014

Yes, I could tell your depression was going downhill quickly after the 1st wk. or so. I was praying every night that God would help lift you out if your deep despair. While I think it's important to listen to our doctors, I also think it's equally as important to listen to our bodies & our brains ( emotions. ) I can tell the fog is lifting, not only because your posting more, but by your demeanor too.
I'm off to bed soon. Have a wonderful night! (( Hugs ))

Soberwolf

Evening Lyoness xx

Lyoness

Yes, I am getting better with each day. It's like the fog is lifting more and more and the ground is getting a little more solid. I'm even out in the world today, it's been weeks. That med was really a dangerous one for me!

Hope everyone is doing well today. I'm going to go buy actual food, something besides crackers and margarine (I know) .

kzaug2014

I'm very happy for you Lyoness! And it's great to hear that you're out & about.
You need real food lol. Crackers & margarine? Carbs & cholesterol ugh lol. Buy some fruit, veggies & meat.
Have a wonderful night hun!
((( Hugs )))

Startingover444

Oh Lyoness, What a relief to see you back!! Your med sensitivity is frightening. I wonder how the doctors dare give you anything. What is your next move? Will you try anything else or will you just try and cope without?

So delighted you are coming out of the darkness my friend xxx

Soberwolf

Lyoness

Well, I tried to multiquote but I'm not very adept at that type stuff. So....

Kzaug~I know that my diet has been sad of late. It's never very great but along with running low on food my appetite was low too so I just ate the weird stuff that I had and appealed. I did get some more real stuff today. I do tend to rely on prepared stuff. I have what I call disordered eating (not a defined eating disorder) that I still haven't figured out how to deal with yet. I know if I ate better I'd probably do better but it has to come within the course of my healing. Still, I will be eating much better now that I have more than two food groups (margarine and crackers).

Startingover~Yes, I've always known I was sensitive though I sort of forgot about how much with the addiction pushing me so far in the other direction. This was a real wake up call. That "black box" warning is for real. I really didn't realize how much it was the meds, it's been the past few days of waking up that has made it clearer. It was so much like my depressions are, it was hard to figure out that it wasn't all me.

As for what to do next? I'm not sure. The psychiatrist left me a message saying she was glad I got off the med and sorry it didn't work. She asked if I'd ever used Buspar. I tried it a long time ago, I think it made me tired. But I feel wary. I was interested in this new med called Viibryd that the psych. has been reluctant to rx for some reason. I had been really wanting to try it, it worked well for someone I know, but now I feel frightened. It shares one trait in common with the one that failed (Brintellix) so I'm not so sure anymore.

Ideally I'd really like to work with an expert in "alternative" meds--supplements, herbal medicines, diet, acupuncture, etc. But those practitioners are generally not covered by insurance. And they need to be really skilled. There are books that talk about these protocols, but it's just not the kind of thing to self-prescribe. So I'm going to see if I can find someone like that, who bridges different types of practices.

I'm going to go back on the 5HTP that I was on before, it was helping. I'll try increasing my dose and see how that does. I also have a lightbox for winter darkness, I'll try to start using that again, too.

I'm also reading about real alternative options that are being tested in places. Things like Transcranial Magnetic Imaging which is crazy expensive but seems to work for people like me who never seem to get well. Also unconventional meds used in unconventional ways. And I need to find deeper therapy that will work for me and still feel safe.

I'm sort of in limbo. In that in between place. What I've been doing has NOT been working. But I don't have a new way yet. So I'm hoping like you've been saying, Startingover, that positive changes are in store for me. I feel more open to trying to do something, which is a change. I've been in limbo, ambivalent for so long that now I just want to start exploring and seeing if I can find some thing(s) that will work for me.

Does any of that make sense?

Soberwolf~thank you for all your s and hellos, they help. So to you too!

And thanks to everyone else for all your support. You really helped me hang on while I was slipping away.

Lyoness

Well, I find myself screwed again. I have court tomorrow but I am snowed in at my housesit. The weather gave no warning and a few inches fell overnight knocking the power out with it. I am up a long, narrow, winding gravel road, about 2500' up. I drove up and down the road twice to try and make safe passage. But I just found out that it's supposed to be in the 20s and snow overnight which means I'll be frozen in not just snowed. I have no chains and can't risk my life driving on ice.

So I'm afraid I'll get a warrant for not showing which would make things way worse. They have to give an exception for extreme weather don't they? I can't go stay at my house bc there's no heat. Plus I have two cats to deal with. And who knows how long til I could get back up here. Why am I always so F****D all the time? I NEVER get a break, never get a free pass. Never.

So am I going to get a warrant, pulled into jail? It's my bday in two days. Happy fu***** bday.

I give up. It's always ****. Always.

Dee74

I've never been snowed in but surely you can phone whoever or whatever and tell them you're snowed in Lyoness?

Make an effort - not trying to let them know and not showing up will not look good for you.

D

JK130

Call your attorney. Call the courthouse. Explain like you did here. Hopefully they can reschedule and you can put the anxiety of a warrant out of your mind. Good luck

Lyoness

Thanks! I have left two panicky messages for my lawyer but don't know how to reach the court, they keep their numbers hidden for some reason. I would hope this would be excusable, I mean the whole region is getting snowed in. And we are an area that does NOT handle snow well, no clearing of roads, especially in the boonies like where I am.

I was trying to decide to go stay somewhere else but with the cats and not knowing how long this will last, it just felt like too much. Plus my bloody tire is losing air. It's just like everything all at once. I really get so sick of this. Don't I have enough on my plate? I just wanted to try to have a decent birthday, but it feels like I'm just being targeted again. I can't help it, that is how life makes me feel. Targeted.

But I really appreciate your replies and it helps if you all have the thought that maybe they would understand my situation. I mean I can take pictures with my cell and show them what I'm facing. (One unthought of advantage of cellphones, proof that you're telling the truth!)

I'm sorry I get so panicky. It just was a tough day with clearing paths, hauling wood, moving snow, getting cold, sore, wet, and then sitting in the dark. Thankfully the lights are back on. That is a psyche booster. And getting support here helps me calm down. I just really don't want to go to jail, especially for a huge weather system that I have no control over.

Thanks.

JK130

Yourr lawyer will get your message and communicate with the court. I hope that you are now warm, dry and able to enjoy the unexpected snow a bit. Are you in the US?

Startingover444

Lyoness of course they will understand but you have to communicate with them. It is the people that simply go awol that are put in jail. If they need you there so badly they can send transport for you. Ask your Lawyer what is the best thing to do in situations like this, He will surely be able to advise you. Let us know what he says

Soberwolf

It's good you left msgs with the lawyer keep trying to get through & remember you always have us

Tiredofdrugs

Lyoness!

Go online to see if there's any road closings? Call the police station and ask them too!

This is a crucial meeting you need to be at! Anytime in my past whenever I had to be somewhere that was critical? I'd always tell myself: "If you were out of drugs and could get some? You know you'd get there any way possible to get them!" Well this is like one of those times! The court system doesn't care you're in the mountains, low tire, cat/house sitting, no heat in your home! You're expected to be there!

And FWIW? If you don't have heat on in that trailer and it's going to be below freezing? Your pipes will bust! And that's a very bad thing to have happen! Did you leave the water trickling by chance?

When I was seeing the "B" probation officer in WI? She called me one day on the job. She told me to come in and take a pizz test right then. My God! I lied my azz off to my boss to get away for a couple of hours. She told me she'd send the police out to arrest me if I didn't. Dealing with the court system, law and Probation Officers is NO joking matter! If they made it to work, then they expect others to do the same!

I don't want to come off sounding all doom and gloom! I'm just stating the facts here!

TOD

Lyoness

Hi everyone thanks for writing. I still don't know how to multiple quote plus I'm on my phone, the internet is down. Probably cuz of snow. So--

JK130- -Yes, I'm in the States, west coast and like I said, we just don't get much snow and things tend to shut down. Another challenge is we have lots of micro climates so weather varies widely across short distances. So downtown where the Courthouse is, it's raining and about 40F. Up here at 2500' its freezing and snowing heavily. Fortunately there are closures due to weather, like the schools, so they do know we have differing abilities. And like I said, very little road clearing,esp in rural areas like where I am.

I was thinking to enjoy it since I can't get out, it is beautiful and falling heavily. Unfortunately TOD has got me all panicked again. Oh well,I'm not risking broken bones to drive where I cannot drive. I do have wood heat and the fire is burning nicely and the electricity is back on too, hooray! So I am going to try to enjoy though will feel better after I talk to my lawyer.

Startingover and Soberwolf--I am hoping you're both right. I left two messages for my lawyer, called this a.m. and was told to call back. I called back and was told my lawyer was on the way out the door and he'd see me at court. He had not even listened to my messages!! So I squawked at the receptionist and said NO! And explained my situation. So she told lawyer and he said he'd listen to my messages. Whew.

She told me they can't guarantee but the court should be willing to reschedule. So I'm putting my faith, hope and prayers into that and ask folks here to please do the same. Thank you!

TOD--You sure know how to scare a girl. I'm hoping for what I said above, today was a status hearing where lawyer is asking for more prep time so hopefully it won't have the same issues as your P.O. caused you. (That was the one you said was really bad with you, wasn't it?) Also because of our micro climates and preparedness for snow--and this wasn't even forecast so caught everyone off guard--I am really hoping it can be rescheduled. The receptionist made it sound likely.

However I thought your idea to call different places was a good one so I called D.A. and the Courthouse. They both said calling my lawyer was the thing. I also have pix on my camera to show the snow up here.

And normally I'd agree with you about what if I was looking for drugs but I don't mess around with snow. I'm not skilled at driving in it, this road is narrow, winding, gravel and too dangerous in snow. I wouldn't risk my car or my life even for drugs. In the past I haven't. I take snow and ice and my car and lack of money to replace it VERY seriously. Yes, even when I was a strung out junkie. That's about the only thing that stopped me though!

I hear you on pipes, too. I do have a leak, so have a drip going. Unfortunately I couldn't set up heater to go back on when power came on. Its all electric so no programming.

I really appreciate that you care so much. If I had a huge four wheel drive--and someone else to drive it--I would for sure have risked the trip. But I just can't risk my car and my bones. So I hope you'll send out some positive thoughts that they'll just reschedule! Its been snowing here for hours now. Even if I'd gotten out I wouldn't have been able to get back most likely.

I do love where I live, its beautiful. But summers and winters can be deadly. Summer temps above 110F and getting snowed and iced in or fog for weeks on end in winter. Spring and Autumn are the best times here. I knew I was taking a chance of this house sitting way up here in the winter. But the benefits outweigh the risks. Let's just hope they do in this case too.

Thanks everyone!

Soberwolf

I'm glad your lawyer will hear the msgs Lyoness x hang in there your doing the right thing hun

Lyoness

Well I just heard from my lawyer and it was okay. Other people weren't able to show up either. It got rescheduled which is positive. What totally SUCKS is its on my birthday. Feels like a really bad way to start a new year. How'd you spend you're bday? In court, it was awesome. I really hoped I could shed all this sh** for my next year starting up. Oh well.

I am grateful I got the delay. But I really believe your birthday sets the tone for your next year. Being in court just feels like a curse, like it's going to be another truly rotten year. Like I'll never be out from under. And it just really sucks.

kzaug2014

Hi Lyoness,
I'm glad they rescheduled court for ya! Look on the bright side, when ya get to our age, b-days are no big deal anyways. In fact, I'd like to skip them every other year, then it will take me twice as long to reach 80, lol!
This is a little off subject, but have you ever read the sticky on the top of the Anxiety Forum entitled "Emotional Memory Management?" I think it could really help someone w/PTSD. It says there are 2 parts to a person's memory. The memory itself and the emotional response to that memory. Then, it goes on to say that it takes 90-120 seconds for that emotional response to emerge after the memory. And if you think about something happy ( like things our pets do or just a beautiful, happy day you had in the past ) you can escape from the negative emotion from that bad memory. I just read that this past wk. & was so excited bout that revelation that I'm posting about it everywhere lol. The Sticky words it much better than I did. Definitely worth a looks see. Big (( Hugs ))