Freedom1990

The good news is there is recovery from codependency. Many here at SR are proof of that!

damnedone

hey everyone,

I'm sorry if it sounds awkward, but is there a possibility that my codependency appeared because of online romance with an addict? I repeat, it was all on internet, but very intense and life-draining.. you can read my story in SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information > Family and Friends > Friends and Family of Substance Abusers > I dont know how to help him and this is killing me... (looks like I'm not allowed to post links yet )

I've never had anyone in my family with alcohol/drug issues, I had a pretty much united family, with no incidents, and I feel like I've become a codie not long ago.. this story has been goin for over 1 year and he constantly broke my heart while I kept clining on him hoping it wont happen again. I only found out about his addiction about 3 months ago, even though he did tell me many times he's been in jail and used to be a drug dealer. But I've been blind until i saw it with my own eyes, typed by himself.

Please, I kindly ask anyone answering my question, read the posts in my topic first, questions like "are you sure he's not pretending to be someone else?" and things like that are out of discussion.. he's been quite honest to me about himself, the only lying (well alot of lying) was as far as I see, typical to any addict.

So, to make long thigs short, is it possible to become codependent in such an indirect way? no family member and actually no relationship.. no physical contact at all.. but had the power to make me literally ill several times with his ignorance and typical addict behaviour. I'm looking at that list and I'm a codie no doubt.

~D.

bookwyrm

From what I've read, codependancy is the exaggeration of natural, caring traits we all have to start with. When those traits start to cause you pain you ought to get help! If you think you are co dependant - no matter how long distant your relationship, then please take steps to heal yourself!

sandrawg

Why do you say you can't recover? Of course you can. Anyone can. Why are you different than anyone else?

sandrawg

I think you could've become codependent from your online relationship. This is how it happens, if you ask me. I had a great childhood with lots of affirmation and love from my parents. Overall I had high self-esteem, strong boundaries, and a lot of confidence in my decisions throughout my life.

But if you don't have a dysfunctional, toxic rel'ship with your family that makes you codie, you can still find yourself in an unhealthy relationship with an alcoholic, as an adult, that affects you in similar ways. I would've never done some of the things i've done in the last 2 yrs dating an alcoholic.

Now I definitely fit the definition and am working every day in my recovery--that's really all I can do.

Also, I think you can definitely get very close to someone you've never met, to the point of being highly affected by their words and actions. I actually met my ex-husband online back in 1993. We fell in love before we even met.

mumbai78

Hi,

What is the solution for people that suffer from codependency ?

Bonkers

I read the book too late... I became the alcoholic. Now, I'm in recovery for that and hope to get into Al Anon eventually. I totally related to the description in the book regarding Children of Adult Alcoholics. While my father was not an alcoholic, my childhood was filled with abuse. I guess this led to my struggles. I'm just saddened that I found the book a little late and that I did try to self-medicate the pain away. I wish all the Codies out there good luck with their recovery!

KatKrazy

Lilyflower For as harsh as this post was to read I know "IT is the truth", what a powerful motivator. How hard it is for me to face this truth but it is my only way to be free in life, it has kinda taken me out at the knees, now time to embrace this less-than-attractive part of me that needs work.

kia

i think i just need to read this bit by bit been a wee bit over we1med by it xxkia

WizeDeb

I just bought this book, cried my eyes out. They should have had a picture of me. I know now I have alot of work ahead of me. Tons, but the good side is that least now I know what is wrong with me. Glad to have some tools to help me over come this so I stop repeating the same patterns over and over. Truly a god send

KeepPedaling

I listen to the book on my iPhone a lot. It makes me feel a lot better. I like knowing what the problems are, so I can find the solutions. Hey! At least I'm helping myself!

Lilyflower

Personally, I think my inclination to act in codependant ways stemmed from the fact that I was too nice, too accomodating, too eager to get everyone to like me.

I had trouble saying 'no' without the need to give a full explanation as to why; I now know that 'no' is a sentence in itself.

I had no idea of what a boundary was, let alone how to maintain one.

I didn't have a clear idea of what I wanted and what I would accept from life. I was all too eager to accept what life gave me and then felt the need to hang on to it for dear life.

I self sacrificed myself over and over so that people around me began to see me as someone who's needs they did not need to consider, who's opinion was invalid.

I did not know how healthy people treat one another. I had to learn what healthy communication sounds, what healthy relationships look like.

I had to deal with and heal my low self esteem, low self worth and re-identify myself as the sole leader of my life, who was worthy of respect and accepted no less.

It has been a difficult experience, but I know I have grown. I read this thread now, over a year since I posted it, and it is like reading a post from someone else.

My recovery blossomed, I am not done yet. I am still locating the courage that I lost within myself to tackle situations I would have hid from in the past. It is still sometimes alien to take care of myself and stand up for me, although I do it anyway. Fake it till you make it, and I am making it.

Recovery is a continual process, I call it learning. I see myself now as recovered, but I am still learning, about me, about life, about people.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Shalgate

Greetings to All. I am a new member here. I sought to find a place to get a better understanding of myself as I am RE-acting to someone close to me who is an Alcoholic addict. He is now in rehab going on two weeks into his path. I also want to know as much as I can to better understand what he could be going through in a halfway house up in Wisconsin ( I am in Tx. ).

This man was torn a part from me 29 yrs ago from our two oldest brothers fighting and both of our parents putting a permenant seperation between both families for good..

We had a connection back in high school, that only recently two months ago I found him. We both have thought of each other for all these years. The connection and real love still lived on. Last month I went to see him. I found out he had a very different life than what I had. I had raised a family, and he did too, but he had gone thru several wives, many self inflicted cuttings that would place him in a hospital, developed pancreas cancer ( two yrs ago ) has a heart condition and a tumor in his brain. Lots of disabilities, thats for sure!
His life, his stresses, his addictions, are killing him fast. Depressions with meds. over the years with alcohol is what I found out last month. The time I was there he wrote me a letter that expressed his undying love for me....he also told me a few times that he was going to be in a hospital for several months. That confused me as i wasn't sure what he ment, but I kept silent with only open ears.
I did not respond. Well, the day after I left to return to my family here in Tx. I found out he took over the counter sleeping pills with vodka, and was placed in the hosptial, and now he resides in a halfway house, he does NOT know how long he will be there. From what I have been reading is that nearly ALL half way houses has a minimum stay of three months. GAAWWDDD....this has been so hard for me to NOT hear his voice every day. I miss him imensly!

I have decided to attend a local church here to see about a group therapy as to WHY I have such a great sense of fear in that once again I may loose him to cancer, etc....as well as he seemed to have tons and tons of memories we shared before our brothers fought for that last time...and why I have very little memories....he must have reacted to our families splitting us by his own self cutting, and much harshness in his life, while I suppressed my emotions, feelings and memories of what we meant to each other. Obviously I LOVED him for over the years he was so much on my mind, etc...but still why the loss of memories !?!?!

We feel strongly that our first love deserves a second chance....but I AM SCARED that someone, some event...what ever may it be....will tear us a part again.

Thanks for listening...Im sorry for this being long. But I am needing to learn to let go, if true love really does not fade, then God in his own time will allow us back together.

qwe

There is a book by Charles Whitfield MD called Co-Dependence, Healing the human condition. In it he talks about primary & secondary co-dependence. Primary coming from FOO (family of origin) issues; secondary surfacing from, for example a relationship you encounter later in life. I have not read the whole book yet, just skimmed, but I read that recovery from primary co-dependence is measured in years; primary can, with proper help, be significantly changed in a matter of months.

Chasingamazing

Yep, to a T. Me too!
Now where to start undoing? Seems monumental looking down the road from this end!