krisgrace

Ok, so I finally realized that I cannot do this alone. So, I gathered up enough strength and told my counselor. She gave me information on the out patient rehab clinic and also some NA meetings. She wanted me to tell my pysc and they moved my appt up to Tuesday of this week. They are going to hopefully get me on some sort of plan to help me to get off and stay off. I keep quitting and starting again. It is so ridiculous. I am so ready to be through with this. I am ready to get ME back. I am ready to do whatever it takes, and I know that I cannot do it alone. I feel great just letting someone "professional" know. I feel like I am on the right track now. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I continue this ongoing battle.
Love, Kristin

:praying

MycoolFitz

Sounds great, good to start with professional support and a plan. I don't know why we think we have to deal with the disease of addition alone or without professional help. We wouldn't do that if we had Type II Diabetes. My best to you and keep us posted.

krisgrace

I have held this in and keep it a secret for a long time. It obviously did not help me to fully quit. So, I must take a new approach. I am thankful for all of my SR family!! lol They have been telling me I needed to do this all along.

Cherybaby66

Praying for your ongoing strength as you take this new step on your journey to recovery! Best of luck to you!

MycoolFitz

Oops not the disease of addition but addiction, though with my math skills that might be a illness too. Really secrets are generally about shameful things, privacy is about healthy boundaries.

krisgrace

OK...... so I went to the rehab place at lunch time. There was no desk. No greater. No one to talk to. I felt out of place. I saw a few people that looked way drugged out. Is it wrong for me to feel like I dont belong there? I almost feel guilty. I left. I will talk to my pysc. about this tomorrow, and hopefully the meetings will be better.

chairmanma084

remember, this is YOUR sobriety. do not let any situation or person affect it, regardless of how they make you feel at the moment. you're really strong though you may not know it.

i was just in rehab with long-term heroin addicts who looked at me like, "what the heck are you doin here? you're not even sick." granted, they did look like they were going through a world of pain and suffering; it did not matter.

i went to that facility to get MYSELF clean, not to worry about if I was wasting anyone's time or far-gone enough to even be there. my life was unmanagable, regardless of how much i was using and for how long.

sobriety is very uncomfortable, not just physically.

so, great idea talking to your Dr. but, for your sake, do not give up.

krisgrace

Why is it so easy to give up?

krisgrace

WOW, I feel horrible for feeling the way I did........... ugh.......

chairmanma084

it's easy to give up b/c, let me quote THE WIRE, your inner addict is, "Outside in the parking lot doing pushups on steroids." It wants you to fail. It tells you that things aren't working when you try to fight it. and that part of you will always be there, telling you that you'll be ok on the street. it'll tell you that you can do it on your own, b/c it knows you really can't.

go to some meetings. find some sober folks and gain strength through their strength; through their stories. just a therapist/Dr. is not enough. i tried that in rehab. i fought so hard with the clinicians to say i'm not going to NA or AA b/c i don't do well in group.

then, i sat through one and a man spoke. and his story, though many years older than mine, was exactly the same as mine. you need a pattern to follow, a role model of sorts. was your Dr. an addict? if not he/she cannot relate to you; not really.

remember, your addiction wants you to relapse and it has a very, very powerful mind and initiative all its own.

Cherybaby66

There are a few NA meetings that I go to that make me feel very uncomfortable. I am what I have termed as a "high functioning addict" if that makes any sense. I get out of bed, do my hair, my nails, throw on some cute jeans and a top, lace up my sandals and pretty much look like a soccer mom with fashion sense. LOL I go to the meetings...and I see people who are so torn up and forelorn that it makes me wonder indeed why I am there. I can tell that they look at me differently. Some of these people are clean longer than I am, too. Also working against me is the fact that I am a nurse. I feel like I have no business doing anything but attempting to help these people...when I am actually there to help myself. It's very difficult. But, I can't dress down to make myself look sick just to play a role there. That's not what I am supposed to be doing. I am supposed to be there, recovering, like everyone else is. I find myself putting WAY Too much thought into what everyone else there must think when they see me.

I've learned to put that on the backburner, especially with my home group meeting. They understand who I am now. It's just the other random meetings that I go to give me that uncomfortable feeling again...

I understand where you are coming from.

All that in mind, however, this is your recovery. You can't judge what is going on in a waiting room. Your story is not going to be everyone else's story. We aren't going there to compare war stories and find out who is sicker than who. We are going there to get and stay clean. That is what you need to keep at the forefront of your mind.

bval

That sounds like a quote from the character played by my MAN, Steve Earle

Steve is one of my heroes ... his character on the show is pretty much ... him. Except in real life, he's an amazing musician/songwriter. Kicked dope and speed in jail back in the early 90's, been sober through NA/AA ever since.

Here's one of my fave tunes of his, the eponymous first song from his return to major-label recording after prison/rehab...

YouTube - Steve Earle & The V-Roys - I Feel Alright + Interview UK

The interview afterward is great, too.

Or, if you prefer a more rocking version, here's one with his real band, the Dukes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lhj5Y...eature=related

It's like my 'recovery theme song'.

krisgrace

This is harder than I ever thought it would be.

change4penny

kris....here's another quote..."you're only as sick as your secrets"
Getting clean was the hardest thing I've ever done. I have ten months now, free from opiates/crack/cocaine. I'm not gonna lie and say it was easy, and I've struggled with wanting to use of these past months. But everytime I overcome the urge to use, I become stronger. I realize now that I'm stronger now than I've ever given myself credit to be. It feels good, and it feels good to be free!!!
You can do this.

Penny

chairmanma084

exactly. which is why when you succeed it will be the most important thing you'll have done. if it were easy, you wouldn't be here; you wouldn't learn from it and finally decide to be done with it.

bval

Yeah ... kicking dope's one of those things ... on paper, it doesn't sound so hard. And then ... there's the reality of actually doing it. It damn sure ain't no walk in the park.

I tell ya what though ... it is some intense sucky-ness, but it really doesn't last that long. It only seems like it at the time. 5-7 days of suffering in exchange for getting your life and your SELF back? It is very worth it, and it's a valuable learning experience to boot.

I promise you, it can be done, and more importantly *you* can do it Kris. And you're going to be really happy you did when it's over. It's kinda like ... finally going to the dentist

I'd get back to the rehab place if I were you, but try to find out what time of day is 'check-in' time so you don't show up when nobody is there.

krisgrace

I went to the Pysc. today. He gave me some blood pressure medicine to help with the withdrawls. I am going to taper down until this weekend and then stop. This time will be the last time. He told me to call the rehab place and schedule an appt. And give the NA meetings a try. I was going to do that anyway. He was glad that I had "come clean" to him. He also put me on a new "mood stability" medicine. I pray this all works. I am tired of being held captive. I miss me.

chairmanma084

why aren't yuo going to a primary care physician (medical doctor) to discuss your withdrawal symptoms? WD's are very uncomfortable and can be a major reason for relapse. if you do not adequately deal with them, it can be a scary, depressing, isolating ordeal. consider seeing a physician.

i feel strange/wary asking but, he gave you clonodine, correct? are you tapering with the BP meds or your painkillers? and what is the mood stability med?

i ask all this b/c i was placed on all of those things (minus the opiates if applicable) in my detox facility...some helped and some caused painful/disorienting/disturbing side effects.

are you actively trying to get placed in a rehabilitation center?

your health is the #1 concern right now...please take care of it

krisgrace

Well Chair,
I take normally about 7 10mg hydrocodene 650mg an. a day. I have been tapering off of that to about 3 a day. I also take anti-depressants, and the Dr. stwitched me to mood stabilizers instead. Yes I think that was the name of the Blood Pressure medicine. He told me to take about 4 a day and that it might make me tired or dizzy, but anything is better than withdrawls. I have quit cold turkey before and got back on them..... yeah I know...idiot. He is the only Dr. I see that knows all the medicines I take. He prescribes most of them. I dont really have a general Physican. I see special Doctors for special things. Like the nurologist for my migraines, etc.

Angelic17

Kris, come on girl, you can do this. If I can do it on 30 vicodins a day for 10 years, anyone can. It's been 5 years since I touched a pill, and I will admit, it wasn't easy. But, it was able to be done. The first year was really hard for me. I wanted that stuff and I was not comfortable in my own skin. But, it was tolerable. I noticed that now that I am clean for a long time, when I get really tired or stressed I think about using. Treat yourself like your in critical care. Be gentle with yourself. Eat the right foods. Stay away from caffeine cause that will give you anxiety that you don't need right now. Drink chamomile tea, get exercise. It helps. Drink alot of water, and stay away from people, places and things. That helps too. I had to give up old friends who are still using to this day. I know you can do this. I am routing for you. I'm your number one fan. Hang in there girl. If you need someone to talk to, send me a message. I will say a prayer for you. I know how bad you want this. It's wonderful that you realize that you need the help. Don't get turned off by the other addicts and the conditions of the drug centers. That should inspire you to get clean. You don't want to wind up like those addicts. Cause if you keep using you will wind up like that eventually. Don't judge them for we are no better than them. They just can't overcome the power of their addictions. Let the way they look inspire you to move forward in recovery. My heart goes out to all the addicts that are struggling with addiction. It's truly a horror show. I have seen plenty, so I know what your talking about. I wish you a fast recovery, but remember it's a process, not a race. I'm here if you need to talk to someone who's been there, done that. Hugs, Angel