peanut44

Okay, another day behind me.
Pretty much at this point it's all mental, or most of it.
I am too Damn strong mentally and its hurting me. I think all day and worry about where or how am I ever going to find happiness. It's like if my brain isn't busy all the time, it wanders.

And it always wanders to the negative. I'm looking into working the steps, I'm getting on here. I'm keeping as busy as possible but still.

I have a vacation coming up in June and I'm worried. Will it be okay without extra medication? I feel stupid for having those thoughts but that's the truth.

Where did life's specialness go??? Where can I get it back.

Just some random thoughts from my head. I took 1 pill so I'm good on my taper. Goodnight all.

peanut44

And yet another day is done!!

Just one pill today and I actually had bursts of energy thru the day that were unexpected and pleasantly surprising as I was at work and needed the boost. Me working with flowers and Mothers Day right around the corner makes for some busy days!!

Today was better and I'm not sure I know why. One thing it might be is I have a coworker and she is a recovering alcoholic for quite some years. She gives off a radiant, happy energy that you kind of just soak in. I have not confided in her but she knows something is up with me, I'm sure!!=)

Anyways, I stayed very busy, tried not to judge and just think first and just got thru my day. I took 1 pill this mornng and that was it for the day.

Maybe a little physical at this point tonight. I'll have to see how I feel come morning.

Hope everyone else is hanging in!!=)

cleaninLI

Peanut that's good to see that you had a burst of energy. Wonderful! Yes you must be very busy....working with flowers and Mother's Day right around the Corner. I'm glad you are able to distract yourself from thinking too much. I tend to do the same. But to my own detriment because my thinking can turn pretty dark and pessimistic.

Crazy!!! I'm able to see the positives in other people's lives. I see you are heading into an awesome future!

You are doing great and so happy your coworker exudes all that happy, radiant energy!
Yay!!!! Have a great weekend peanut!

peanut44

Thank you cleanin! You're always so optimistic. Put that to good use for yourself! I'm doing OK but not sleeping worth a crap. 2 nights in a row of tossing and turning. But my husband reminded me that years ago when i was getting off of methadone, i would of killed for the sleep i got last night. Those were the worst..... ever!
Without going back and reading a bunch, are you trying to taper too? What are you down to?

cleaninLI

I'm down to 4 mgs. Per day. My doctor wants me to step down further. So we will see. Eventually...and I guess pretty soon I need to get in the right mindset to keep the taper going and get off this stuff. I'm still adjusting to life without cigarettes. Lol I went cold turkey off a pack and a half or two pack a day addiction to cigs a little over 100 days ago. It was hard! I know I didn't suffer the withdrawal symptoms I would cold turkeying off the pills or what you are going off the sub. But it was so hard adjusting to normal everyday life without them. I wanted to quit those before the sub. So that when I get off the sub that would be it. Ha!

I remember switching onto sub and my sleep. Ugh! It was horrible! I couldn't sleep for days. Good luck to you with your sleep. There are some things I did to enhance sleep...not sure if they work for you or not...as we are all different.

Covered my windows with dark sheets for awhile.
Ran a box fan beside my bed. It was winter, so I pointed it away from me. The sound lulled me to sleep.
Kept the noise level down and lights dimmed at least 2 or 3hours before bedtime.
Took a soothing warm/hot bath with bath salts each evening. Even listened to a few u-tube videos of rain falling on a tent or in a jungle, or night sounds in a forest.
Practiced breathing exercises and meditation before bed.
Read a boring book...one that isn't a page-turner.

Hoping you can return to better sleep peanut. You are doing great!

peanut44

Good for you quitting smoking! That is quite the accomplishment! I commend you. I quit about 3 years ago, best decision I've ever made. It's a slow death, smoking. Sorry but it's true.

My husband is a funeral director and he sees a lot of deaths from smoking and its not a good way to go. That's why I quit.

Taper when you're ready. Just try to work on recovery in the mean time.

I use the fan next to the bed
I wear ear plugs
Read boring stuff
I even take ambiem!
It's just withdrawals and pms.

Sleep good!

kzaug2014

Good morning Peanut & Clean,
Peanut, I was sick last wk & just wanted you to know that I didn't forget about us. I see you weren't crazy about your subs doc either. The last time I saw mine, he told me I reminded him of Lady Godiva...ugh! I never went back.
Subs w/d's are a bit different from any other w/d. After the initial few days ( wks for me, since I turkeyed it from 2mg ) you will have good days, then bad, then good, then bad. Strange sounding, I know. But it's true.
Lack of sleep is a b___ lol! But you'll get through this.
So you're a florist? That sounds like a great career....how fun! I'm an avid gardener. My husband & I moved to a senior mobile home park 4 yrs ago ( we're in our late 40's, but are both disabled. So we qualified lol. ) Luckily, they didn't mind when we started digging up the earth everywhere lol. We've planted 1000's of perrenials over the past 4yrs. Daylilies are my fave. I now have over 50 different varieties. If I had my way, I'd buy nearly every variety available, but they can be quite pricey, as I'm sure you know.

I hope you have a good day today! You too, Blue! Blue & I are friends, Peanut.

peanut44

Still talking my 1 per day. No fun anymore but not sick either. Mainly just bored. That is sad.

My job is very rewarding. I really love it so i guess I'm pretty lucky. So are you off of all meds then? Just curious. I'm going to taper as low as possible, maybe like 0.5 and then every other day if i have to. What ever it takes. We are going to try some gardening tomorrow. We have some raised beds and compost so we shall see!

cleaninLI

Thank you peanut! I totally agree...a sure death with so much discomfort.

I'm glad you're getting used to the 1 mg.

You are doing great!

Hi Kzaurg!

kzaug2014

Hi Peanut,
I just noticed the typo I made in my last post. It was suppose to read ya, not us ( spellcheck always changes that on me. I guess it doesn't like my slang lol. )

Yes, I'm finally drug free. The last yr of my life was definitely one of my hardest, but also one of the most rewarding. I quit methadone & norcos, then heroin & Klonopin & finally subs. Yea!!!

I think you'll have great success w/raised beds & compost. Good soil is key. I've done it both ways, so believe me. Lol!

How are you feeling? You're doing great on your taper!

peanut44

I took a step backward but will be on track tomorrow. Yesterday we were pretty busy around the house and i was stressing out and having cravings. My husband left the little lockbox unlocked that had my pills in it. I took a half that was in the bottle figuring it would go unnoticed. But i also saw the combination while i was at it. So i took the extra half yesterday and yes i felt it but it was different then i expected. A little bit of a headache, some nausea. But the worst part??? The guilt!

I fretted over knowing the combination of that little lock all night. So he gave me my 1 pill this morning and i went to work. When i got there, my load for the day was delayed until tomorrow so i got sent home. So here i am, headed home, to be by myself with a bottle of suboxone that is NOT under lock and key.
i had to tell on myself. I only have so much and when it's gone, it's gone. To screw around with them like this is just going to set me up for a fall later.

So i told my husband that i had taken an extra half and that i also knew the combo. we counted them and he will change the code tonight. Being honest is hard sometimes. But it was the right thing.
So tomorrow, it's back to 1 a day.
And i just keep going from there.

damascus1986

yea honesty is a big part of step one well that and some surrender. i know myself personally couldnt do it alone and the help of my sposor and family carried me through some tough times.
have you thought about trying some meetings if you haven't gone already? they saved my life.

kzaug2014

I slipped up too, but I had no idea how to buy subs. So I bought $250 worth of crack. I figured crack wasn't physically addicting, so I wouldn't have w/d's & I just wanted 1 day of relief from my subs w/d's. I had tried it once before & only did it that 1 day. I beat myself up at 1st, but then decided to brush it off.
I just wanted to let you know that most everyone screws up, but these momentary mistakes are just that...a mistake.

peanut44

Damascus, when i got off of methadone i did have a sponsor and she was awesome! I went to meetings but i had to introduce myself as an alcoholic and that really bothered me because i don't drink. But that's what i had to do to be at certain meetings. I live in a small town. My anonymity was compromised twice in my work place and that has left me jaded this time around. I have a few resources but I'm more on my own this time. I do have some numbers that i could call if need be. Plus, i have this site and you guys! =) I feel better after being honest with my husband too.

cleaninLI

Peanut I agree with what was already said here. I doubt there is anyone in the house that hasn't been deceptive at some point.

You were honest about your slip and that speaks volumes to were you are at in your recovery. I mean you took a half a pill if I read that correctly? Still felt the need to confess and more importantly told your husband who's in charge of the locked box...that you knew the combination. That is amazing and tells me how badly you want recovery!

Awesome girl!

Although, I went thru an IOP and I did learn some things there. I felt that SR was my biggest support. It was available 24/7 and didn't have to find a babysitter or make sure my kids were cared for while I was away. That is the beauty of SR.

kzaug2014

I'm w/Clean on SR as my outside support, but for different reasons. 10yrs of methadone, norco, Klonopin & the 4mos of heroin use made me agoraphobic. So I wanted no part of any meetings. But, I'm happy to say that now that I've quit all drugs ( including subs ) I've also resolved my agoraphobia by forcing myself to go out. I have more of a tan already this year than I did in the prior few yrs put together.

I'm glad you were honest w/your hubby. It holds us accountable. I told nearly everyone I know ( I waited until I was clean from heroin to tell a few, but most beforehand. )

damascus1986

Ahhh well no group is perfect you are walking into a room full of sick people. i learned that the hard way myself. I will say everyone at my job knows in in recovery up to the ceo at the hospital i work at. i dont think ppl have a hard time accepting that its just when we keep using. If you dont like saying your an alcoholic u might try NA. Thats where i go. So far SR has been great in my short time here. Anything i say are just suggestions ive found some great ways to treat my disease through other people. As long as it works for you and keeps you clean im happy

kzaug2014

Peanut, I hope all's well w/you. Plz check in w/us soon.

Damascus, I wasn't making a reference to your post. I was referring to what worked for me personally. I just wanted to clear that up.

cleaninLI

Yes true that's all we can do is make suggestions and let people know what worked for us. I hear ya Damascus. The good thing for us is that something worked! Ha ha ha!
Anyway, peanut you've got me worried (I want to say us but I better speak for myself.)
Keep coming back...we are here for you!

peanut44

I'm still here! Sorry, with Mothers Day, Cinco De Mayo and May Day, I've been swamped at work. I do okay when I'm working but being bored is a scary place for me.
There are no NA meetings in my immediate area and I really would rather that no one knew about it. Working directly with the public is tough enough and its just something I'd prefer. I have a lot of work books, step books, this site and that's it for now.

I'm back at 1 pill, 2mgs. On a normal day, I will take it in the morning and I won't have any physical problems to speak of. But by the end of the day I feel I have nothing to look forward to and by the time I get home, I want to go to bed and get the rest of the day over with. Will this pass?? This is NOT the way I hoped it would be. But maybe it's just because I've been used to the daily pill habit/reward, that it will just take some getting used to.

I want to be content with life as it happens. It seems like things have to be exciting to have any significance and I really want that to change. The immediate gratification syndrome I suppose.

I'm rambling but I hope I'm making some sense! =)
Have a good night all!