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Diary of a Ninja

Old 12-15-2012, 10:45 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by ARTEMIS View Post
Hello-


Stepping- Thank you for your kind words. I was diagnosed with depression in my teens. I 100% agree with you that it gets better without alcohol. I have had periods of sobriety so I have experienced that. My depression has never completely gone away in my adult years BUT but being sober does lessen it by a huge amount.

Early this year some things changed and I.... I can't articulate this....I fell apart, I got to a truly dark hopeless place. I kept trying new medicine. I was sober.Sometimes the medicine made it worse and I was still filled with this horrible darkness.

Instead of giving it time or doing something different I gave up. I was tired of fighting and just done. I drank to rest? That is a question for myself. I'm working this out as I write this... No, I drank to not exist.
I just did not want to be anymore. I wanted to scratch my nails down my face;I wanted out of inside of me. Passing out was an escape.
I threw alcohol gas on my depression fire. I understand that.
I am not making excuses. The RR book says the only reason you drink is because you like it.
I did. I chose it.I did it because I liked the feeling- I liked the floaty escape. I own that. Those were my choices not excuses.

That was in past.

Now, I am working with my doctor on medicine and I am sober.

I recently started working with a therapist who said something that hit home. All these years I have wanted the depression to go away. She said it might not. You have to have tools for the times it does not. That seems like a simple statement but it knocked me over. I have always felt I could "think my way out of it". Would I expect someone else to do it? Of course not. But I thought I was "Terminally Unique" in that area.

I have come into the light and will deal with it without the addition of alcohol.
Let me rephrase that. I am trying to come into the light. The non negotiable part of that sentence was the alcohol.


Soberlicious- Thank you for the reading suggestion. I have been studying Buddhism in the last year.
I would like to be able to tell you I rocked Bed Bath and Beyond. The truth is my first stop at KMart was a hugeeee test. I got one thing!!!! One thing.
Art, the clever Ninja, goes into Stealth mode and goes to the jewelry counter to avoid the huge lines. She is breathing in through her nose and out through her mouth. She is chanting "you can do this...almost done". The clerk rings up my ONE thing and the price is wrong. It over rings for $23.
OK, I am done with mindfulness.
Good effort but this is just too much and I will try again tomorrow.
I say to the clerk "Can you just void it out? It's OK, I don't want it".

And the Universe laughs ...... The clerk informs me no, she cannot just void it. She has already put it on my card and she does not have the ability to do anything except send me to the customer service line...........which as I look over, has literally 12 people waiting. My breathing is fast and quick and I am starting to sweat and consider just running out the door with my purchase.
I stay. I get in line and tell myself if Rain Man buys his underwear at Kmart I can do this.
I did!! It was hard and it was nerve wracking. The clerk had to drag me all the way to the back of the store so I could show him where the item is so he can refund my money. BUT.... I did it.!!!!
After that my shopping bravado was done done done. Bed Bath and Beyond will be my next attempt.


Munchkin- Thank you for all your suggestions and support. I am sooooooo proud of your one year Anniversary!!! You rock!!


And thank you to the rest of my SR family who has sent encouragement. I love you all.


When I arrived home I read the news about the school shooting.
I am no more eloquent than the news reporters who keep saying there are no words. Horror, disbelief, shock and such overwhelming sadness. At that moment my AV popped up and told me I didn't have to feel these things, the answer was to grab a bottle of wine. To numb out and run away.
So many things ran through my mind.The first was "What is wrong with me? I didn't lose a child and I want to get drunk????".

Then I got angry, really REALLY angry at my AV.
I said "Are you KIDDING me???? What the hell is wrong with YOU???? YOU go crawl in a bottle of wine!!! "

This was huge for me. It was the first time I have truly been able to separate. I have always thought all my thoughts are me and I was less of a person or lacking in character for having them.
To be able to yell at this voice, to separate felt good. It felt freeing.
I said to it " go do what you want you, MORON, I am going to deal with it differently".

That being said, I was still at a loss how to deal with my feelings....and I still am this morning. The choice I made was to go to church....which is an interesting one for me. I do not want to debate religion with anyone because I can not tell you how I feel. I was raised Catholic but in recent years have explored other beliefs.

I do not know what I "believe In" that is still something I am figuring out. All I know is that I needed something and I chose to go to Church, a choice I have not made in years. I am grateful that I listened to how I felt instead of how my AV felt.


Have a great day!!!
Way to go Art!!! Keep it up! I'm not going to say "Every day will get easier" because that always seemed trite and not really the truth but over the long run it will get easier and easier to ignore the AV (or as I call it, my little monster)
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Old 12-15-2012, 03:40 PM
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This is big, Art, this is huge, and for a couple of reasons. You set yourself that goal and not only accomplished it, you beat it right flat into the ground. Things proved to be more challenging than you had imagined, but that did not affect your resolve.

I was shaken by the tragedy you referred to, and there was a ping for me too. But these days I know that I am 'supposed' to feel sadness and grief and anger at times, and this was one of those times. I don't need to pray for strength for me, I don't need to speak with an 'advisor', and I certainly don't need to drink.

You have shared some deeply personal things, a big step toward accepting you as you are, without judgement. There are some great things about you, Artemis, and I know you will come to appreciate them as we do. Onward!
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Old 12-15-2012, 05:47 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
 
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I would like to be able to tell you I rocked Bed Bath and Beyond.
so what...you rocked the KMart instead. That is exactly what you did.

My breathing is fast and quick and I am starting to sweat and consider just running out the door with my purchase.
I stay.
This is key. You pushed through the fear. This is how change begins. This is how fearless ninjas are born


and yeah...The AV really is an opportunistic bast*rd. Nothing is sacred...it will use even the worse of tragedies toward it's own agenda. Good thing you've got it's number...
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Old 12-16-2012, 10:19 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Greetings from Ninja Camp!
Thank you all for your supportive comments. When I doubt myself I remember your words and they give me strength.
Yesterday I watched the news for most of the morning and then had to stop because it was so sad.
I walked the dog 2 miles....even though I did not want to...!!
Did the dishes and colored my hair. Ta- da!!
Then I watched Toy Story 2 in an effort to cheer myself up. It helped.
Yesterday I also said no. Which is new/hard for me. I was invited to a dinner hosted at a club with a bar. I didn't debate with myself if I wanted a drink or not. I chose not to put myself in an environment where it would be a question. I also cut myself some slack on that decision. Have I decided not to drink again? Yes. However, I am new at it. I wouldn't enter an ice skating competition the first week I learned how to skate.

Today is again dark and cold and spitting snow. The darkness is really, really hard for me. It increases my depression. Some days I think of it like a large monster that is chasing me.
I am trying to stay a few feet ahead of the monster today. I do not watch the show Survivor but I am trying to apply their motto... Outwit, outplay, outlast. That is what I am going to do.

I have taken the dog for a 2 mile walk at the local golf course.It is sooooooo cold. But I did it. My nose looks like Rudolph. I have my lightbox on and the music is on. Just keep moving and not giving in.

Everyone have a good day- I will check in later.
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Old 12-16-2012, 05:13 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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That's great that you decided to remove yourself from temptation. It'll help you right now. You don't need any form of temptation now.
Over time you will get more accustomed to battling that stupid AV. In the meantime, hang in there.
BIG HUGS TO YOU!
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Old 12-16-2012, 05:38 PM
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Originally Posted by ARTEMIS View Post
The first was "What is wrong with me? I didn't lose a child and I want to get drunk????".

Then I got angry, really REALLY angry at my AV.
I said "Are you KIDDING me???? What the hell is wrong with YOU???? YOU go crawl in a bottle of wine!!! "

This was huge for me. It was the first time I have truly been able to separate. I have always thought all my thoughts are me and I was less of a person or lacking in character for having them.
To be able to yell at this voice, to separate felt good. It felt freeing.
I said to it " go do what you want you, MORON, I am going to deal with it differently".

!!
WOW! I have honestly never thought about being able to do that one day...to separate that little voice out, to treat it as the independent killer it is. Thank you for sharing this! Man, I love it here.
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Old 12-16-2012, 06:17 PM
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Yep. Kevah, that alcoholic gerbil that keeps yammering? What a pile of hooey that comes out of that miserable critter. There is a very cool thing that happens when you can pick out that particular gerbil from the herd - you recognize it for what it is. It's nothing more than that urge to get drunk again, and again and again. That alcoholic gerbil will keep burping and barfing as you circle the drain, closer and closer to a horrible conclusion.

You don't want a drink, IT wants a drink, and you don't have to do what it says for another minute. IT has the cravings for alcohol, not you. Observe, recognize and separate. You can do it every time, and you can stay sober for good.

You can do this right now, Kevah, not at some time in the future. Just google Alcoholic Gerbil Recognition Technique. Actually, it will be easier to find if you look for Alcoholic Voice Recognition Technique, and read the Crash Course in AVRT. It made a lot of sense to me.
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Old 12-16-2012, 07:35 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Look at my little rudolph go, go, go!!!!!! I

Keep it up Art!!!!!!

NINJA POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:ghug3
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Old 12-17-2012, 04:17 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Ninja the evil gerbil!
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Old 12-17-2012, 06:10 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by stepping View Post
Look at my little rudolph go, go, go!!!!!! I

Keep it up Art!!!!!!

NINJA POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:ghug3
Too cute! Love it!
Ninja power. LOL
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Old 12-17-2012, 11:42 AM
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munchkin - we need a theme song, eh?

Let me do some thinking today (this effort takes time)...both the thinking and song creation part
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Old 12-17-2012, 12:39 PM
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You guys are too funny!!!!

Yesterday my Aunt called me about 4. She needed to go to the ER as she was having intense pain. The end result was a kidney infection and she is going to be ok.

What a longgggggggggg evening though.
I had some beast activity on the way home so I sat with it in the car and tried to figure it out. I even talked to the Beast....I know you are not supposed to engage... but I forgot that part last night.
The beast wanted a drink. Ok. What did I want? I wanted to be home and be in bed. Waiting for hours in the hospital and then trying to find an open pharmacy on a Sunday night had been exhausting.
I had to stop myself from beating myself up for having the thought. Ok...it came...I looked at it....it passed. This will happen again. The thought itself is not the problem. What I choose to do with the thought was the problem.

So I told the beast when we got home it could take the car back to the wine store...I was going to bed. And I did.

I hope you are all having a great day!
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Old 12-17-2012, 01:21 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by ARTEMIS View Post
The beast wanted a drink. Ok. What did I want? I wanted to be home and be in bed. ............................ Ok...it came...I looked at it....it passed. This will happen again. The thought itself is not the problem. What I choose to do with the thought was the problem.

So I told the beast when we got home it could take the car back to the wine store...I was going to bed. And I did.
You're amazing!!! I am so proud of you! I wasn't going to put a lot of effort into your song BUT now....
....You better believe it's gonna be platinum material after that amazing thing you did!!!

:ghug3:ghug3:ghug3:
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Old 12-17-2012, 04:47 PM
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you're right stepping. Lemme sleep on it though. I do my best composing as I'm drifting off to la la land
LOL
Plus I'm done in from the gym tonight. Hubby's making some fresh juice, I'm finishing my salad and then gotta get my real munchkin to bed. (7yr old who JUST TACKLED SWIMMING TONIGHT! Can I get a WHOOP WHOOP!!!!)
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Old 12-17-2012, 05:36 PM
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Whooop Whooop! (in a white girl country accent)

Yeah Munchkin. It's funny I went to the gym today and had my earbuds in and was listening to all these songs and saying to myself, "that could so be Art's song to her Beast" lol It's funny how you can relate a song to anything depending on what you are going through at that time. I will save yall grief by not sharing!

Soooo here's what i have thus far:

They call her Art
She is really smart

She has a little beast
That must stay beat

This beast is a sinner
But, A ninja is always a winner.

This beast has demands
Sometimes demands can kill a man

So shut your face beast, you coward
Or you will have to deal with Ninja POWERRRRR

***lots of drums/chanting and bashing of cans and bottles breaking****
Im thinking like the smurf song for background music, eh? or that one cartoon from when I was little The Snorks Or Punky Brewster...PUNKYYYYYYYYYYYY POWERRRR!!!!
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Old 12-17-2012, 05:38 PM
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Old 12-18-2012, 05:39 AM
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LOL Cute!!
In all honesty, after coming here last night, I wrapped a few presents, sang along with Celine Dion to my son when he was going to bed, talked a bit with hubby and then fell asleep. LOL
So I never even got a moment to think on the song bit. Give me some time today.

But anyways, Art. How are you doing?????
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Old 12-18-2012, 07:10 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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I am REALLY impressed Stepping!!! :ghug3
I was so worried because Ninja has 5 letters and so does Bingo. I thought I was going to wind up with that song.....and Ninja was her name o....

You guys made me laugh and I needed it.

I just got off the phone with my Aunt and I am upset.
My Aunt is not doing well and she is being a PITA. She is fighting with me about calling the doctor back- they have her scheduled for a follow up appointment on Friday.
This morning she said she was in such pain she couldnt sleep. So OBVIOUSLY we don't wait!!
If her health wasn't so poor to begin with I would not worry so much and would not even engage. However, she is scaring me. She has a pacemaker and medical problems too long to list so letting things go is not the answer. I am worried about losing her.
I am on my way to her house which is about 20 minutes away to see if I can talk some sense into her face to face. Like this....

Back later.
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Old 12-18-2012, 07:35 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Art :ghug3 Good luck with your Aunt! You are a great person to be there for her!

You are welcome for the song and I am so HAPPY it made you smile!
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Old 12-18-2012, 09:33 AM
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Yikes! That is a challenge for you today, Art, but your sober self has depth and capacity beyond your understanding. You are present and able to bring your own natural instincts and courage to bear. You can do this.
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