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Diary of a Ninja

Old 01-08-2013, 02:28 PM
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Hello!!!!

I took the dog for a walk at the golf course and watching her play is watching pure, uninhibited joy. She throws herself down the hills so she is "sledding" on the snow with her back. Comes up covered in snow and it is all over her face.I swear she is laughing. She is hysterical and reminds me to find joy in the now.

I took my Aunt for a cat scan this morning. She still isn't doing well and they found a nodule on her lung. She is petrified it is a recurrence of cancer that she had in 2006. I am learning from this that her hostile moods are an attempt to cover up her fear. She was acting batsheeeeet in the waiting room and I am thinking wth?
Then I looked over and she was shaking. So I just put my hand on hers- she isn't one to talk about feelings- and she calmed down. I went back in the room with her and waited because she wanted me to, which is also a first. Just realizing how scared she is makes me feel bad for her.

Today is my Mom's birthday. For any of you Elvis fans it is also his.
She has become interested in dragonflies in the last year. So Picasso Junior here made her a candle holder.....the problem is..and I cant decide....is it cute? Or is it realllllllly tacky??? :rotfxko
I put glitter dragonflies all over the candle holder and I keep looking at it....if I cant decide if its tacky I'm not sure that is good. This project turned out a lot better than my original idea however. I thought it would be really easy to glitter paint fireflies on some smaller candle holders. There is NO question with this....the end result wasn't even tacky...its... um? Romper Room? Bahahahahaha . Kind of like I love you Mom-here it the turkey card I made you in kindergarten from tracing my hand. Actually,I think my turkey card came out better.

More later- take care :ghug3



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Old 01-08-2013, 03:20 PM
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Such a wonderful thread with incredible insight from you, Artemis, as well as all the responses.

I'm so pleased you updated or I likely would have missed all these gems.

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Old 01-09-2013, 04:30 PM
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I am having some major beast activity so I am trying to write and sort my thoughts.
My Aunt's cat scan results came back and they are scheduling her for a Bronchoscopy. She is convinced it is cancer.
I try not to worry about the unknown but.....she has had cancer before and her health is terrible so I am worried, scared, stressed and have had a headache that will not quit today.
I grew up in the house right next door to her and she has been my second Mom all my life. I can't lose her.
So my beast is making noise telling me that wine will take all these feelings away.
Drinking won't solve anything and I need to be strong to get her through this. The shingles are still causing her major pain and she really can't do much for herself so she needs me. And she needs alert, coherent me....not hung over I cant get out of my way me.

More later, take care everyone.
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Old 01-09-2013, 05:53 PM
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Hang in there Art!! Don't let that spoiled brat monster have its way! After all, would you let a 2 yr old have everything it wanted???
Stay strong girl!!!!
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Old 01-09-2013, 06:40 PM
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Ninja, so sorry that your aunt is having these problems, it can be very stressful. With all the problems to cope with drinking would just be another one. Rootin for ya. :ghug3
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Old 01-09-2013, 07:34 PM
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I grew up in the house right next door to her and she has been my second Mom all my life. I can't lose her.
The emotion jumps right off the page. I can feel it. I'm so sorry this is happening to her and to you. So sorry...

And she needs alert, coherent me....not hung over I cant get out of my way me.
Yes she does. And beyond that...drinking is self-destructive. Hurting yourself hurts those who love you and it does not honor all they have done for you.

So my beast is making noise telling me that wine will take all these feelings away.
Of course it is. That's it's job...getdrunkgetdrunkgetdrunk. It is not a surprise that your AV would use this very difficult time to try you. It is opportunistic, and has absolutely no problem using the pain of a loved one as an excuse to drink. It's a heartless bast*rd, that's for sure. Ignore it...it can't hurt you.
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Old 01-09-2013, 09:05 PM
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I am so happy to have found your thread...completely and totally made my day. Thank you so very much. You are Ninja.
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Old 01-09-2013, 09:08 PM
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Just thinking of my ninja friend today stay strong my friend. Hugs.
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Old 01-10-2013, 03:17 AM
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the ninja hears the beast creeping up - and ninjas it before it gets close enough to strike.

the ninja senses her aunt's hidden fears - and reaches out a hand of friendship.

power to the ninja.

seriously Artemis, good to hear you're being so strong for your aunt and yourself.

Best wishes.
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Old 01-14-2013, 07:22 AM
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Checking in with you Art. How you doing???
Staying strong?
:ghug3
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Old 01-14-2013, 10:51 AM
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Come out and play ninja love?!?! Miss you!
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Old 01-15-2013, 03:43 PM
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Hang in there

Hey Art,
Been reading your postings; hope you are doing okay.

I just wanted to say I am impressed with your attention and care for your aunt. I have several nephews, and none have ever shown me the empathy you have. Sounds like you two are close emotionally.

Remember though (and this was difficult for me to learn) that you can't help her or anyone unless you take care of yourself first.
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Old 01-15-2013, 08:20 PM
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Hugs ninja.
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Old 01-20-2013, 11:54 PM
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hang in there ninja girl
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Old 01-21-2013, 11:43 AM
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I love you all. Thank you for caring. I have a lot twirling through my mind that I am trying to sort out enough to put down on paper. But the fact that you asked about me touches my heart. Thank you.
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Old 01-23-2013, 06:08 PM
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Greeting from the frozen Ninja tundra. The temp right now is -2F (-19C). My everything is frozen.

My intent with this diary was to never drink again and to chronicle that. However, I drank two weeks ago and I was too embarrassed to post that. Many reasons but the end result is the same. I had a choice and I chose to drink. I have seen so many success stories on here and want that for myself. I was deeply disappointed in myself.
Forward is the only way I can continue so that is what I am choosing.

I have never been a big TV fan, I didn't own a set for years. However a few weeks ago I watched the Biggest Loser for the first time.I found it compelling that many of these adults were trying to burying hurt under food. Age old hurt from when they were kids.....and most times did not even realize they were doing it.They were on autopilot in some cases.
Sometimes things hit you in the face, cause an ah-ha moment, epiphany, kick in the arese....whatever you want to call it.
It hit me that I have been doing the same thing, only with alcohol not food. Why am I so afraind of being the person I know I can be?
I have been trying to figure out what are the things that are really bothering me. What are the things I'm really running from and self sabotaging for? I have been working with a therapist....and sometimes.....sometimes you have buried something so long it hurts like h*ll to even recognize what you have been trying to run from. So, that's where I am.

Frozen solid and contemplating.

Take care,Art
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Old 01-23-2013, 06:19 PM
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Just want to say Hi ArtyPants My real name is Ninja minus the 'J' ha ha ... I am glad to be posting on your thread... take care xxx
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Old 01-23-2013, 06:27 PM
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Thumbs up

Originally Posted by ARTEMIS View Post

Forward is the only way I can continue so that is what I am choosing.
The best choice of all choices!
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Old 01-23-2013, 06:27 PM
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Hey Zee!!

That is so funny because my good friend Heathersweed calls me Artypants!!
Have a good night!
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Old 01-24-2013, 06:40 AM
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Hey there Art!
I have never been a big TV fan, I didn't own a set for years. However a few weeks ago I watched the Biggest Loser for the first time.I found it compelling that many of these adults were trying to burying hurt under food. Age old hurt from when they were kids.....and most times did not even realize they were doing it.They were on autopilot in some cases.
Sometimes things hit you in the face, cause an ah-ha moment, epiphany, kick in the arese....whatever you want to call it.
It hit me that I have been doing the same thing, only with alcohol not food. Why am I so afraind of being the person I know I can be?
I have been trying to figure out what are the things that are really bothering me. What are the things I'm really running from and self sabotaging for? I have been working with a therapist....and sometimes.....sometimes you have buried something so long it hurts like h*ll to even recognize what you have been trying to run from. So, that's where I am.
Very true. I can say this about myself. It's taken a lot of work, a lot of tears to get through my own junk.
Its (in my mind anyhow) like realizing you have an infection deep down. Only way to heal is to painfully clean it out. Once you start to do that you can start moving forward.
I'm glad you came back. I missed you Art and I was worried for you since you weren't here. :ghug3
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