Hello-
Stepping- Thank you for your kind words. I was diagnosed with depression in my teens. I 100% agree with you that it gets better without alcohol. I have had periods of sobriety so I have experienced that. My depression has never completely gone away in my adult years BUT but being sober does lessen it by a huge amount.
Early this year some things changed and I.... I can't articulate this....I fell apart, I got to a truly dark hopeless place. I kept trying new medicine. I was sober.Sometimes the medicine made it worse and I was still filled with this horrible darkness.
Instead of giving it time or doing something different I gave up. I was tired of fighting and just done. I drank to rest? That is a question for myself. I'm working this out as I write this... No, I drank to not exist.
I just did not want to
be anymore. I wanted to scratch my nails down my face;I wanted out of inside of me. Passing out was an escape.
I threw alcohol gas on my depression fire. I understand that.
I am not making excuses. The RR book says the only reason you drink is because you like it.
I did. I chose it.I did it because I liked the feeling- I liked the floaty escape. I own that. Those were my choices not excuses.
That was in past.
Now, I am working with my doctor on medicine and I am sober.
I recently started working with a therapist who said something that hit home. All these years I have wanted the depression to go away. She said it might not. You have to have tools for the times it does not. That seems like a simple statement but it knocked me over. I have always felt I could "think my way out of it". Would I expect someone else to do it? Of course not. But I thought I was "Terminally Unique" in that area.
I have come into the light and will deal with it without the addition of alcohol.
Let me rephrase that. I am trying to come into the light. The non negotiable part of that sentence was the alcohol.
Soberlicious- Thank you for the reading suggestion. I have been studying Buddhism in the last year.
I would like to be able to tell you I rocked Bed Bath and Beyond. The truth is my first stop at KMart was a hugeeee test. I got one thing!!!! One thing.
Art, the clever Ninja, goes into Stealth mode and goes to the jewelry counter to avoid the huge lines. She is breathing in through her nose and out through her mouth. She is chanting "you can do this...almost done". The clerk rings up my ONE thing and the price is wrong. It over rings for $23.
OK, I am done with mindfulness.
Good effort but this is just too much and I will try again tomorrow.
I say to the clerk "Can you just void it out? It's OK, I don't want it".
And the Universe laughs
...... The clerk informs me no, she cannot just void it. She has already put it on my card and she does not have the ability to do anything except send me to the customer service line...........which as I look over, has literally 12 people waiting. My breathing is fast and quick and I am starting to sweat and consider just running out the door with my purchase.
I stay. I get in line and tell myself if Rain Man buys his underwear at Kmart I can do this.
I did!! It was hard and it was nerve wracking. The clerk had to drag me all the way to the back of the store so I could show him where the item is so he can refund my money. BUT.... I did it.!!!!
After that my shopping bravado was done done done. Bed Bath and Beyond will be my next attempt.
Munchkin- Thank you for all your suggestions and support. I am sooooooo proud of your one year Anniversary!!! You rock!!
And thank you to the rest of my SR family who has sent encouragement. I love you all.
When I arrived home I read the news about the school shooting.
I am no more eloquent than the news reporters who keep saying there are no words. Horror, disbelief, shock and such overwhelming sadness. At that moment my AV popped up and told me I didn't have to feel these things, the answer was to grab a bottle of wine. To numb out and run away.
So many things ran through my mind.The first was "What is wrong with me? I didn't lose a child and I want to get drunk????".
Then I got angry, really REALLY angry at my AV.
I said "Are you KIDDING me???? What the hell is wrong with YOU???? YOU go crawl in a bottle of wine!!! "
This was huge for me. It was the first time I have truly been able to separate. I have always thought all my thoughts are me and I was less of a person or lacking in character for having them.
To be able to yell at this voice, to separate felt good. It felt freeing.
I said to it " go do what you want you, MORON, I am going to deal with it differently".
That being said, I was still at a loss how to deal with my feelings....and I still am this morning. The choice I made was to go to church....which is an interesting one for me. I do not want to debate religion with anyone because I can not tell you how I feel. I was raised Catholic but in recent years have explored other beliefs.
I do not know what I "believe In" that is still something I am figuring out. All I know is that I needed something and I chose to go to Church, a choice I have not made in years. I am grateful that I listened to how I felt instead of how my AV felt.
Have a great day!!!