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Another wife of a husband with an addiction :-)

Old 05-12-2009, 12:18 AM
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Another wife of a husband with an addiction :-)

Hello all

I just wanted to say a quick hello. I have been lurking around this forum for a few days, and have just posted my personal sob-story on the F & F forum (at least, the abridged version).

I wanted to say an extra hello to Daisy09- I think we have a bit in common (although you sound far less pissed off at your husband than I am!)

Can someone help me a bit here- I appreciate on one level that addiction has a lot in common with other diseases, but part of me rebels against this because it seems to take responsibility away from that person- someone CHOOSES to use, or not to use...
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Old 05-12-2009, 01:49 AM
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Hello!

Well i can only talk from the point of view of alcoholism and that should be a choise but isn't i'm afraid, it might have been in the earlier days to a certain extent but after many years the choice kind of fades away and, if you like, it becomes an obsession. Then it is a lifestyle to the extent that you cannot imagine not having that addicition, it affects your choices, your decisions...everything basically...it consumes your life. It's almost impossible to explain this to someone who is not an alcoholic/addict as, to them, it is still a choice so how crazy must it seem, whether alcohol or drugs, that you have to first make the effort to get the money, then go and buy the drugs/alcohol and then take it...over and over again...you would think, at some point, like i am sure you would, **** i'm a drunk/addict...maybe i should put the money back in the bank, not make the phone call etc...

I guess what i am saying, whether you believe it is a disease or not, is that it becomes part of you not just a bad habit, and then once it has got to that stage you are in deep **** and the only way out of it is to make huuuuuuuge changes, with some external help of sorts, which you have said in your other post he is!

If you really do believe it is a choice then that speaks volumes about his behaviour and your relationship, i would take on board some of what Ann said and find out more before you make your mind up on that.

Personally i don't think the ultimatum is too harsh at all, why the **** should you and the kids have to put up with it, speaking from personal experience, there are plenty of cheap places out there to rent in this economy and he could move out until he gets himself straight?! Not enough money, then he should work harder or get a second job!

It's not just alcohol and drugs (i'm sure you realise that there is no difference between painkillers and paying $50 for DOC on the street!), my ex who i am still best friend's with, her husband was a gambler and, holy moly, how badly did that **** her kids up in the head?! Selling the kids games consoles, leaving with no money when kids at 8 and 5 respectively, no cards, no contact...nothing...

Anyways hope it gets better for you and just posting my personal experiences and my opinions, you will get more practical help in family and friends i am certain:-)
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Old 05-12-2009, 02:24 AM
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Hello, Piglet. Welcome to SR and to the Secular section.



Originally Posted by Piglet123 View Post
Can someone help me a bit here- I appreciate on one level that addiction has a lot in common with other diseases, but part of me rebels against this because it seems to take responsibility away from that person- someone CHOOSES to use, or not to use...


(I'm an alcoholic)

Yes, there is choice in the behavior. Addiction is a nasty beast, but the person with the addiction still decides to lift that glass/bottle to his/her lips and drink. I know I did.

My experience has been that it's hard for me to admit that fact. Admitting it makes me responsible.

I'll always be addicted, but I can manage that by not using.
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Old 05-12-2009, 03:20 AM
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Hello,
My problem is with alcohol, as far as I'm concerned it's an addictive drug. I don't follow those who say that alcholism is a disease, and I do agree that to believe so, it might lift a weight from the shoulders of those addicted. Probably many need to have that weight lifted too, to get on the road to recovery, because self-loathing also keeps us drinking.
Don't be shy, keep posting, maybe some of the things we say can give you a different perspective, maybe they can help you in some way. I hope so.
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Old 05-12-2009, 04:01 AM
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Thanks guys.

It's almost impossible to explain this to someone who is not an alcoholic/addict as, to them, it is still a choice so how crazy must it seem, whether alcohol or drugs, that you have to first make the effort to get the money, then go and buy the drugs/alcohol and then take it...over and over again...
Yeahgr8- you're so right about this. I am a complete control freak myself, and I am baffled as to why someone would repeatedly do something that caused him to LOSE control, and to risk everything in the process.

If you really do believe it is a choice then that speaks volumes about his behaviour and your relationship
Would you mind explaining what you mean? I am a bit confused at the moment, and am having a pretty hard time seeing things from anyone else's point of view.

Probably many need to have that weight lifted too, to get on the road to recovery, because self-loathing also keeps us drinking.
Californiapoppy- thank you for sharing that.

I'll always be addicted, but I can manage that by not using.
bamboozle- I hope one day my husband will have the same insight.
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Old 05-12-2009, 04:20 AM
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Hi Piglet.

I'm an drug addict and my dad was too, but I just want to say welcome for now
Hope you find what you're looking for.
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Old 05-12-2009, 04:32 AM
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Okay. I just read your other thread and this is really the only aspect I'm capable of helping on at the moment but:

Our children are suffering because they know something wrong
All I can say is PLEASE don't leave them in the dark about this... in my opinion it was better to know something was wrong with my dad than racking my brain trying to figure it out. But they didn't tell me anything till I was about 10 or 11 and I always knew something was wrong and it was driving me crazy because I never knew what it was until they finally told me. All the pieces pretty much came together then. Don't hide the truth from them, don't say "daddy is sick," tell them he has a problem.. its so much easier than expending all your energy trying to hide and I belive will teach the addict a little humiliation that is needed I think.

Best of luck to you piglet
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Old 05-12-2009, 04:39 AM
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Hey there, what i meant by this:

If you really do believe it is a choice then that speaks volumes about his behaviour and your relationship

If it really was a choice then he would be basically saying that he doesn't care about you or the relationship/life you are making together. If, for an example, i wasn't a genuine sex addict and chose to have an affair then that speaks volumes, either that it is a relationship that should never have been or one that needs some changes to make work, right?

Do you think he is thinking i know i'll screw with this person's head, who i love, and life and i'm going to screw my kids up so that they have instability and emotional issues in their life too? So how can i do that, i know i'll choose to get addicted to meds!

My point is that, for a lot of people, it is beyond a choice, it needs some help and a rethink, and action, about all things...it's not just thinking well i have a lovely wife, lovely children and a great job, man the future is so bright...oh but i am an addict/alcoholic...wow i know what i'll choose to stop using/drinking...3 months later thinking there you go that was the only problem, now why was i an addict/alcoholic for 10 years+ lol hey ho, it's a funny world...c'mon wtf?!

It's going to help you to get as much info as possible and an understanding on what he is doing and going through:-)

I respect what Bam is saying, but for me that choice was a long time ago!

Remember these are just my personal experiences with me and my childhood with my Father who was a highly functional drunk and has now controlledhis drinking...he's still just as miserable, just only drinks a couple of nights week...whoop de doo!
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Old 05-12-2009, 05:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Piglet123 View Post
Hello all

I wanted to say an extra hello to Daisy09- I think we have a bit in common (although you sound far less pissed off at your husband than I am!)

Can someone help me a bit here- I appreciate on one level that addiction has a lot in common with other diseases, but part of me rebels against this because it seems to take responsibility away from that person- someone CHOOSES to use, or not to use...
Hi Piglet, nice to meet you (although I wish it was under much different circumstances...) I read you're other post as well!

Let me start by saying that yes, I am very pissed off at my husband, I guess I'm just less vocal about it...he has never done it at home or when around the kids, which I think goes a long way as far as mitigating anger goes.

I really relate to what you're saying about choices. I realize that at this point, it is no longer my husband's choice to have a heroin addiction, but in the beginning it WAS a choice. No one forced that heroin up his nose the first time, he made a conscious decision to try it, and that is what has made me angry. I am constantly asking myself how he could sit there, knowing he had two beautiful children at home, and do such a monumentally stupid thing.

M's had a lot of negativity in his life from his mother (a topic way too involved to delve into here) and knowing him as I do I think it will be much more helpful for him to have me be a positive support rather than issuing ultimatums. Not to say that I don't have boundaries set, or that ultimatums are a bad thing in general, it's just not what I think will help him in particular. I think that's the most important thing, for me, that has eased my anger a bit - I'm trying to keep in mind that the ultimate goal is to have him beat this addiction and not start using again, so I'm trying really hard to do what I think will help him achieve this. We've been really fortunate, because other than wasting money we had earmarked for a vacation, nothing really terrible has happened (yet) as a result of his using.

M had been on Suboxone, but ran out and has made an appointment to see an MD to get more (I'll be making a new post in a few minutes about that!) Our kids are really too young to know what's going on. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this is something we can take care of before they get much older. Sorry to ramble on so much - I have a tendency to do that. I'm sorry you have to be going through this, too. It's not fun, but I have found this forum to be very helpful!

All the best to you and your family,
Daisy
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Old 05-12-2009, 10:17 AM
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I hope you find the help and support you're looking for here! As you're finding, even between alcoholics/addicts/etc, there's a disparity on the choice issue.

I'll weigh in on it.. I chose each every drink that passed my lips. Never ever did a supernatural force pour it in me while I was unwilling. I take full responsibility for that, but can see that in the midst of dependency how that might get unclear.

Just my .02

Glad you posted..
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Old 05-12-2009, 10:34 AM
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well...i am a diabetic...but today knowing I am and llearning about it...i have a choice about what i eat, excersise and a million other things that impact the disease. So i don't see being alchohoic as an excuse to do nothing....

that said...

In the midst of my addiction this last time...i don't believe I had a choice.. choice is a strange word...no one MADE me drink, but when i cant see the other options, or am not capable of the other options, i am not sure i can say it is a choice.

Today in my life...at this moment I have a choice...but when i hit a tough moment (usually from a long slide in a bad direction) then i start to not see the other options and a drink seems like the only one....

I get there for a variety of reasons...sometimes i simply make bad choices not realizeing the concequences...sometimes i am not capable of the choices that would have been better and the concequences take me closer to a drink.

I actually spend alot of time dealing with freedom vs destiny, free will vs fate, that sort of thing...when i focus on that instead of drinking my life seems to get better...ok thats wierd but it works for me

people I love drink....they have other obvious options all along the way to me...but they don't see them I remember being in that place so well...I just love them, show up, and hope they will see in time. I am learning to set some boundires, but mostly they are in my head....if that makes since, cause it's not really about them..it's about how i react to them and do i let them effect my choices or do i make my own...

Not sure this makes much sense as i am just starting to look at this in a more detailed way in my life.

thanks for posting
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Old 05-12-2009, 11:57 AM
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ok u know me.. have to chime in with my opinion. I see late stage alcoholism as a disease, but its a choice before then. When the mind and liver have become mush from alcohol and the person has been drinking for years round the clock and is living on the street-its definately a disease at that point. The difference between that and problem drinking is substantial because late stage addicts are often not capable at all of rational thought at all... wheras people who recognize a problem early on are still able to do something about it and can function in between bouts of drinking.

I have an addictive personality but I've never tried some drugs..like meth. Because I know that meth is insanely addictive, if I try it, I'm pretty much inviting the addiction onto myself. I know that might offend some people but I'm sorry thats how I think of it. If I do try it in the future I'm not gonna say I caught a disease.

Same thing with painkillers.. I knew painkillers-oxys, vics, opium, were addictive but that didn't stop me from trying them and developing a problem. I was never perscribed them. So my addiction is really my fault, since I knew of the potential risks but decided to use them recreationally anyway.
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Old 05-12-2009, 12:06 PM
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welcome!!!

Ditto what Ananda said, alcoholics/addicts not in recovery don't have choices.

That being said, we have to treat the alcoholic/addict like they do have a choice. The only way an alcoholic/addict gets over denial is when they hit a bottom of some kind, removing ourselves from their active addiction may not insure that they hit a bottom, but it will insure that we aren't contributing to their addiction.

If it helps you to believe it's not a disease, good.

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
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Old 05-13-2009, 09:46 PM
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Once I was having a conversation with a recovered alcoholic/addict. I have struggled with alcohol a lot longer than I did with drugs, and I asked him how he did it. I told him that I was proud of him. We’ve been friends for a long time, and he really conquered his addictions.

He said that the biggest source of his strength was the love and support of his wife.

You have really struck at the heart of both scientific and sociological debate about addiction: is it a choice or not? Narcotics Anonymous will argue that he is powerless; Rational Recovery will argue that it is nothing more than a voluntary act of one’s own free will.

My opinion: it doesn’t matter. You have no control over his choices.

In my opinion, the best that you can do right now is to hate the addiction and not the person, thoughtfully consider whatever responses you offer concerning his behavior, and try to find peace with yourself.

Good luck. I'm sorry to see you go through this.
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