allforcnm

" He cant control it " is what makes it an addiction Dreamer... right now perhaps he's at a turning point where he wants to learn skills to help him control it. Did he join SR for himself.. to talk with others, look for support? If so.. regardless of his drinking at this moment, its a positive step. But I suggest letting him have his privacy to explore his feelings...

Its very hard to focus on ourselves when someone we care about is basically engaged in self harm.... your two states away... and there's a limit to what you can do from afar... BUT what you can do is focus on the goals you have set for yourself and your own self care. What you might try is actually turning off your phone when your studying, or setting specific times to talk with him, and even allow yourself certain blocks of times to think about him and the overall situation.

I can read in your post all the emotion just from what happened tonight.. is this something that happens often? Is it a constant? How do you feel about your reaction to his behavior?

allforcnm

Hi, nice to see you here. Jump right in...

I know Ive read some of your posts but Im sorry I cant recall all the details... was wondering if you have kids? My son is almost "3"... I write about him a lot.. it can drive people crazy if they don't have kids Im sure.. so be forewarned.. LOL

allforcnm

Sorry I keep missing you Cleanin... I hope you are getting a good nights rest.. self care and all.. LOL Is your son feeling better, he's back in school?

I feel down about the above also.. will be sending ^^ prayers about it.

cleaninLI

Awe (((Dreamer)))!

I know it's a virtual hug! Not as good as the real deal! But allfor is so right, he can't control it and that is what makes it an addiction. Although it seems so personal, like he's doing this TO you, deliberately hurting you, it's not. The pull to drink is too strong for him. I know, it doesn't make it right....far from right! But, it helps to understand that it's an addiction...and not something he's purposely doing to hurt you. Yes, if he told you he wasn't drinking....but is...then he lied to you. Even his lies are not personal...if you can grasp the concept. (Not easy to grasp it though) Because having your loved one lie to you...feels very personal. Addicts lie for a couple of reasons. The first one (main reason) is to protect their addiction. Another reason is to keep family or friends from worrying about them. They want to paint a picture of everything is a ok even when it's not. The best way I know how to describe addiction is like a hijacking. Our brains are literally hijacked....it makes us believe that we need our DOC to survive. So each and everything we do is to protect our using...at all costs. If that means lie to our fiancé then that is what we do. I know it still hurts.

But a couple of positive things stood out to me.
1) He joined SR that's a wonderful thing. An alcoholic does not join a recovery board unless they want recovery.
2) He maybe did not admit he was drinking to you...but he admitted it to someone, right? That is a step forward.

I liked what allfor suggested too. I know it's not easy to do...when you are worried about him. But setting a specific time to talk to him is necessary. If you can figure out how to block those thoughts about him while you are studying it would be nice....I know easier said than done.
But it's so important to practice good self-care! That means not getting stuck with only concentrating on him...what he is doing?...if he is drinking? ....etc. That's when you start loosing yourself and your needs start taking a backseat to him.

I'm totally impressed that you are studying Pre-med! That is wonderful! This is the single most important thing for you to concentrate on at this time. His addiction is secondary. Do not let his problems cause you to ruin this opportunity. Because believe it or not....what you do right now...will impact the rest of your life. If you've come this far then I'm sure you know this right? So I'm not going to be a nagging Mama to you. But, wow I see an awesome future ahead of you.
Don't worry, we are here with you....every step of the way! So if you can muster up a little patience and let him do what he needs to do to get healthy, you will be okay. Just know that there are going to be some bumps in the road....recovery is rarely a smooth road. If you can see the end result and keep that positivity and hope that you mentioned.....then these bumps won't seem so huge and devastating. Give him some time and space to figure this out for himself...what he needs...such as rehab or a program of some kind. You can be there to support him....when you are not working on your life. So happy you are here with us!

cleaninLI

Oh Blue, did I confuse you when I said a tuna noodle casserole OR the recipe I wrote? I probably didn't write it clearly. I meant that tuna noodle casserole is easy OR the one I wrote below it. I don't think I gave that recipe a name? I'm not sure what it's called anyway? Lol spaghetti or Italian? I found it online....years ago...never needed to look it up again...because it's so easy I put it together by memory. Like I said I usually alter it anyway....usually I add more cheese...different types whatever I have on hand. Did you try it? Last night butter and I where talking about Fondue. I hadn't realized it came from Switzerland. Learned something new last night. But I'll bet that is something you like Blue...very cheesy!

Thanks allfor for caring about me. Idk know why it effected me so much... Probably, because of my fears and expectations. but I'm feeling a lit more optimistic today. He's a brilliant man...that has to count for something. If he came here in the first place wanting recovery....then surely he will not give-up as easily as he implied. Like I just told Dreamer.....there are bumps in the road. So I'm going to take my own advise and not put my life on hold...get some things done around here today....and trust that he will find his way back...before something terrible happens. He's just a recovery buddy...I can't imagine how you guys must feel it being your SO's?!

It's funny, because my family doesn't really understand that much about addiction /recovery stuff. They know enough...but not like you guys do. I think they just don't have interest in it...they are happy I'm clean...want to go on with their lives. Put it all behind them....so you can just imagine how they felt when I was upset for the past few days. They were like "why do you go on there if it upsets you?" Anyway....I did take their advice and stayed away for a most of the day. It helped. See I'm trying to make a regular schedule. But I get curious to see if I have any Pms or are there any new posts or threads? So I'm living my regular life....getting things done...but I have a compulsion to check the forum...every hour or so. Then if there is something I need to read and respond to...I'm on for awhile.
So what I think I should do is plan a time....preferably in the morning, after kids leave for school to read and respond. Like right now. My daughter left around 8:30. I've been on here for an hour and a half. Gosh....it doesn't feel like it! It feels like only 1/2 hour or so! But I shouldn't be on for longer than 1 hour in the morning. Then I can check back around 1:30 or 2:00 pm. Stay on til my son comes home around 3:00..right? But I doubt Blue or butter will get here until after 3 or 4....ugh! Blue used to get on around 1 or 1:30 (like clockwork) but now she doesn't get here until late in the afternoon...around 4 or 5. Lol this is funny trying to arrange my schedule. See, between 3 and 7 are busy times for me...because that is when my kids get home from school. They are always starving when they get home. (Don't ask me why....ok son eats school lunch...not always something he likes....but I pack my daughter's lunch?) Then it's homework time for them. They are pretty self-sufficient....but I still have to monitor them. If I'm hanging on SR...they start teasing me. So that is why I prefer to come on while they are at school or in bed. Then I start cooking dinner around 5. I can peek into SR while I'm in the kitchen, which is what I usually do, but I don't want to burn dinner. (Which has happened btw! Ha!) I think I'll blame that one on butter! Lol just kidding butter! Then we eat around 7 or 7:30 depending on when my hubs gets home. Then kitchen clean-up until 9. But that is because I take too many SR breaks in between. So I'll hurry and finish kitchen clean-up by 8 or 8:30. Then go out sit with family...watch TV or whatever. Come back on after kids are in bed. 10-11 pm. come back on. Then go to bed earlier...around 11 pm. So I'm not so exhausted. That would be 8 hours of sleep. Perfect amount of sleep. Because that has been a problem for me.
Ok...so that means 3 SR sessions per day.
This is my new schedule:
8:30am -9:30 am
1pm-2pm
10pm-11pm

I like that. So I'll try to keep up within those guidelines. Let's see how it goes. Because I think this coming on every hour is keeping me away from important things and disturbing my sleep.

Oh and yes allfor my son is better....thanks!

TheDreamer

Allfor,

Lately, since he moved and has no distraction aside from work, yes he's been drinking a lot. But he's never once lied to me about it. He was always very open and upfront. I hate that I'm so upset. haha. I really wish I could just step back from it, too. I did last night after making this post. I dove right into my chemistry and I stuck to it until I was exhausted. I even made it a point to focus on getting to school and to let him talk to me when he needed to.

He called a rehab clinic again this morning, this time though he wants to really go. He was crying and he was telling me how he can't take it anymore. He hates it. He hates what it does to him. I think being so far away is actually, in some weird way, creating a bottom for him. He doesn't have me to check on him as much, he doesn't have his family asking if he's okay as much. It really is all him.

Clean,

Thank you. I really do try to not make it so personal. I really really do. It just hurt so much when he lied to me. Like I told all for, he's never lied. Even when it was the worst moment he's been in. Not once did he ever lie. But you're right, he DID open up to someone else. And he IS on SR. And he called another rehab center this morning. He wants so badly to beat this. And for some reason last night he really did believe he could do this on his own. I don't know what changed over the course of last night, but something did. And I'm glad it did.

I took time this morning to really think about what's going on. The possibility of losing his job, the possibility of him losing his new apartment, the possibility of him going to rehab, the possibility of him hurting himself further: I would rather he lose his job and apartment and go into rehab than lose his life or his sanity. This addiction is controlling him. And it is so scary sometimes to see that.


I like that schedule you made for yourself. I think because I'm investing more time in this, it might be good to create my own little schedule. I want to be on here all the time because I feel comfort in this community - in you ladies.

I bet your friend will make it through. It's just hard in the moment when you know someone is suffering and there's nothing you can do about it.

But things will be okay. Sometimes we just need to give it all up to our HP (whatever it is) and trust and believe and have hope.

buttercup89

Clean !!!!!



NOT approved! That means i only see you 1h per day! NOT acceptable! Try again !

PinkCloudsCharley

Aw, Dreamer - I'm so sorry. I hear you, I've been there too many times to count. It's not you, although it feels like it's you.

I had a talk with AH last night. He's been an active drinker for 10 years. He's been dry for about a week now. This is the first time I've actually felt hopeful about his sobriety. We were talking about the Addictive Voice that was described in the stickies for the Secular forum for alcoholics (I forget who posted it and too lazy to check, lol) and AH said, if it was just quitting drinking because of his wife and kids, he would have done it years ago. But it's not. It's not about us at all. It's about him, and what triggers him and what his addictive voice whispers to him. He's told me before alcohol is like a lover that never says no, and then it starts to ask for his soul. all the time it keeps whispering to him. So as hard as it is, Dreamer, it's not you at all.

Now, can we influence them? I believe so. I'm just beginning to learn about that, though, so I'll let someone more educated in this take that lead.

My therapist told me we are all addicted to something. I'm addicted to sugar, I know that when I don't have it I crave it like crazy and get headaches. Coffee too - I need that cup of coffee in the morning or my head hurts like crazy come afternoon. Some people are addicted to exercise and the adrenaline that comes from it - I have a friend like that. For AH, he is addicted to alcohol. He needs to "change his addiction" to a healthy or positive one instead of a negative one. It was an interesting way to look at it, if nothing else.

TheDreamer

Thank you so much, for all your kind words. I just wish... I know it's not me. I really do know that. Last night just felt like real betrayal.

But while I know that, I see this all as him giving up. He keeps saying it. All this morning. He talked about saying goodbye to me. He's scaring me.

He reached out to two rehabs. One is telling him to come back to SoCal. Another is telling him he doesn't have enough for a downpayment. It's just a heartbreaking situation. And I don't know what to do to help. Or how to support. I'm so far away. I can't hold his hand, or just hug him. I can't look him in his eyes and give him that encouragement like before. I can't help distract him.

cleaninLI

That's great news dreamer! I hope he finds one soon. Maybe you are right that its been a positive thing for him to have to do this for himself. Being you aren't there to make things easier on him. Now he has to take charge for himself.

I remember a time that Blue's husband said some of those things your AH was saying that is frightening you. She might be better at explaining it. I said things like that too. Like lets just break-up..get divorced. A lot of it came from frustration and guilt. Not being able to be the wife I knew he deserved....thinking I will never get over my addiction. It was very frustrating to loose control of myself....to not be the person I wanted to be. I even signed my kids over to my husband one time when I was having a pity-party. Not in front of them...but when husband and I were alone. I felt really bad after that....and it actually ended up being the motivation I needed to get healthy again.

cleaninLI

Butter look its 5:37 pm and I'm here! I didn't do too well with my new schedule. I might have to modify that a little!

ladyscribbler

How do you know you weren't meant to read it? You're putting all your hopes for your happiness on his sobriety. That is a huge amount of pressure on someone who is already mentally and emotionally stunted by addiction. Maybe he was too afraid to tell you outright because he feared your reaction.
You seem very enmeshed with this guy. I'm not saying break up with him, but you do recognize that this is really taking a toll on you emotionally, affecting your school performance.
I'm sure someone has suggested Alanon to you, but I will reiterate that. Lots of people mistake detachment and boundaries for ignoring unacceptable behavior or not caring about the addict, but that's not the case. Detachment and boundaries are ways for you to protect yourself from his disease and his consequences and to minimize the impact it has on your life. Learning to take care of you is actually the best way for you to help him.

TheDreamer

Thank you clean. Yeah. Things are much better now. It's just really hard. Being so far away, not knowing, not hearing from him all day. I call and there's no answer. It freaks me out sometimes.

Thank you, lady. I try to not put all my happiness on him. It isn't just the drinking that makes it difficult. We used to spend every day together. Then he moved, I started school immediately, I quit a job...it just turned out to be a lot of stress on me as well. When he was here, I dunno, I handled this better. While being far apart has put distance from us and allows me to focus on other aspects, when he's gone...he's gone. I don't hear from him for days. And then the fear sets in. I was just so caught off guard last night. I didn't know what to feel, really. That's why I walked away from it and I studied and went to sleep.

BlueChair

Cece mentioned on another thread we are not supposed to reference AA or Alanon on this forum, just so you know. I think what you said was fine but dont want anyone to get into trouble with the mods.

buttercup89

Dreamer... I'm sorry I haven't responded to your posts! I'm not ignoring you or something. I know how you feel, i've been there. The thing is, i'm very upset right now about B. and i don't want to say something wrong/something that i don't really mean. Being away from them and not knowing how they really are doing sucks and makes it even harder. I keep you in my thoughts and send you a lot of ((((hugs)))) and hope you're not mad at me ;-)

Hey girls! As I said, i'm still very very upset and hurt and mad at B. I don't know what to do or what to think and i'm afraid that this is the ending of our "story". It would be one of the worst possible endings I'm also not feeling very well physically. I felt better during the afternoon and went to the Mall because i needed some stuff for the wedding. Now i feel bad again

I have to clean my room though, tomorrow is healthy and safety check :S

((((hugs))))) to everyone!

BlueChair

I cant believe I finally made it here ! I was reading earlier but didnt have time to post, then I saw Clean's new schedule and I became weak and almost fainted I was safely revived by a stash of chocolate I had for these types of emergencies.

I get it though Clean. I had to make changes with SR too. In a way it is a little addictive I think so its important to fit it into our lives where its healthy. Your all my friends, and I count on you for your honesty, support, understanding, and laughter too. I like to try to give back the same, and share some of what Ive been learning as I go.

I think it comes down to boundaries for all of us, and I think this applies maybe to your situation also Dreamer. Ladyscribbler mentioned boundaries and I had never really heard of them discussed much until I came here. In the counseling sessions my doctor would ask me things like what I wanted, how do I feel and from these questions she helped me understand I did have boundaries in place. I think I grew up with a sense of boundaries and understanding how I wanted to be treated, knowing at what points I had to back off because it was becoming unhealthy for me, also letting go of people who were unhealthy for me (not just boys ) But its easy to get confused when life is spinning and Im emotional. I was thinking about boundaries a couple weeks ago when I found out from a friend something I thought my husband should have told me. I had to sit and ask myself where did personal boundaries fall, and where do they fall when your in a relationship? Looking at pointed questions like this is something new for me.

Over at Smart I had been reading about boundaries because they use them too. I was told to think of it really as Healthy boundaries for myself. using the word healthy has a more appealing feel to it for me, so Im going with it.

I think your time issue is about setting healthy boundaries Clean.

Butter I think some of B's inconsiderate behavior should hit smack against one of your own personal boundaries regarding how friends are allowed to treat you.

I think you should think about boundaries too Dreamer in terms of how much head space he takes up if its feeling negative in terms of taking care of your personal priorities. And it doesnt mean break up with him, just controlling our emotions.

I have to do the same thing with my husband and worries I have. I dont want to run from him, or my emotions. I want to learn to control them, and this is something Im still working on. We can all work together ??

The other part, Smart says boundaries are not like those big unmovable metal signs and rows of orange cones set up on the road to block traffic. They are more like velvet ropes at the movies. We can move them as we need to. The boundaries are there to keep order, make life peaceful, and to invite people into our lives in a healthy way.

So this means you can make a schedule Clean but its ok to be flexible too. The more time we have with you the better, at least for US !!

And now for the silly. I went to the ATM and lost my card. Would you believe they called my husband to say they found my ATM card. Then I tried to make it there before they closed and was about 5 minutes too late because of traffic, Im blaming it on one particularly slow driver in a red buick !! I was so upset, now I have to go there tomorrow. Whats worse, I know they have surveillance, heck one day they had an armed guard outside with a bullet proof vest on. When I lost the card, I backed the car up, got out of the car walked all around, looked under the car, looked under my seats. Im sure I looked soooo stupid ! but no, I had put the card in the deposit envelope and inserted it into the machine. My husband was being funny in reference to drugs. He asked if I had been to the ATM drawing money out for candy.

BlueChair

Im sorry I havent been here much today Butter. I had things for work I had to get done. Did you get a good dinner? Why not try to relax with a movie tonight after you clean up the room? You need to sleep and start wearing a hat, its got to be cold there, summer is gone bring out the woolies !!

Its good you didnt sneak in the refrigerator I guess they would have discovered it as part of the safety check?

I dont know what to say about the pain your in because of B. When we open our hearts we risk pain. His issues add fear and a special kind of sadness.

buttercup89

aaaw, blue girl! don't worry! I haven't been on here too much either!

I haven't had dinner yet! Will go grab something now! and then I will relax for a bit. Screw homework!

It's getting colder, but the weather changes everyday. I don't think it's related to the cold. I've been feeling dizzy when i woke up this morning. Don't know, maybe stress, maybe the weather, maybe something else! I'll be ok.

haha, yes they would find the fridge!

I like what you said about boundaries, yes, b's ignorant behavior hit smack against one of my boundaries... that's what makes it so hard! add the feelings i have for him to the mix and i'm a complete mess!
true, i made once the decision to trust him, now i'm paying for it. i'm just very disappointed. You saw the messages he wrote me, how could he change so much? that he doesn't even talk to me!

BlueChair

Butter if you keep getting dizzy then I think go see the nurse on campus. Did you ever have a blood sugar problem? Take care of yourself tonight and rest plz, see ya tomorrow

TheDreamer

Hey ladies.

I'm sorry I haven't been on here. I've been reading the posts, just like Blue. But I'm really needing some study time. So I read them, smile, and I go back to the studying.

I might be going up to see him this weekend. His friends are going up there, and they invited me with them. I dunno. I want to. Badly. But I just don't want it to be some form of reward for him. But I don't see it as a reward. I just see it as me being there through a tough time. I'm going to check plane tickets tomorrow. I can't afford too much, but just to see him and put us both at ease might be nice.

Blue! That ATM story really had me giggling. hehe

Butter, my dear. Please be sure to take care of yourself. Rest super well tonight! Dizzy spells are never fun.

About boundaries, yes. I think...I haven't established boundaries with him since he's moved. I guess I considered the physical apartness as a boundary. haha When he was here, we did have boundaries set up. We'll need to talk about that. Hopefully tomorrow, when he's better.

Thank you ladies. Have a wonderful night.