Desperately Need Some Accountability
LifeOfBrian
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2022
Posts: 14
Desperately Need Some Accountability
I have been secretly drinking spirits (vodka, gin, whisky) for the last 6 years. I started sleeping in a separate room from my wife around that time (due to my snoring) and slipped into a habit of staying up late, streaming tv series and drinking. My unhealthy relationship with alcohol started in my teens. In my early thirties, when the kids were born, I cut back dramatically and rarely drank at all. My relationship with my wife is in a good place, despite sleeping in different rooms. I work in healthcare and I am deeply ashamed that I have allowed my drinking to spiral out of control like this. My hypocrisy hangs heavily on me. I feel that I can't tell my wife, as she is struggling with her own issues, at the moment. It would be very difficult for me to attend meetings, as I regularly appear in media as part of my work.
I need to be accountable to someone in order to stay on track. I desperately want to recover from this. I have made so many attempts and broken so many promises to myself. So, this is Day One. I'm committing to give an honest account of my attempt to remain sober.
I need to be accountable to someone in order to stay on track. I desperately want to recover from this. I have made so many attempts and broken so many promises to myself. So, this is Day One. I'm committing to give an honest account of my attempt to remain sober.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,420
Welcome to day one. We have all been where you are and know the pain and despair- and we also know there is a way out. You will find excellent support here, you are in the right place, LifeOfBrian.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,521
Hello, dearest Brian. 
s
So many of us are or have been healthcare workers, and sure, it feels like we should know better. But Alcohol Use Disorder is a recognized disease, and we know that as well, and it can affect any of us. My best advice is try to let go of the shame; it serves no purpose other than to keep you stuck in your secret.
Now you have all of us—the best weapon that I have ever had against this disease. We do this together, one day at a time. ❤️
sSo many of us are or have been healthcare workers, and sure, it feels like we should know better. But Alcohol Use Disorder is a recognized disease, and we know that as well, and it can affect any of us. My best advice is try to let go of the shame; it serves no purpose other than to keep you stuck in your secret.
Now you have all of us—the best weapon that I have ever had against this disease. We do this together, one day at a time.
❤️
LifeOfBrian
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2022
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by Robbie64 
Welcome to SoberRecovery 
Does your wife know you have a problem? Perhaps not the extent of the problem, but does she know that there is a problem there?
Does your wife know you have a problem? Perhaps not the extent of the problem, but does she know that there is a problem there?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 3,520
Originally Posted by LifeOfBrian
She doesn't know anything about it. I've been sneaking bottles into the house and sneaking out the empties.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,340
Welcome!
This can be YOUR LAST DAY ONE.
Its so hard.
Water on the inside, water on the outside. Drink it, stick your hand in it, shower.
I never shared all the details with my hubby. It’s MY HELL, and my actions (not drinking) are what matters IMHO, not divulging our innnermost horrors.
Reading and posting here.
Clean a junk drawer.
As a health professional also, we know that urges last about 10 minutes. We have trigger times.
There are CPAP machines, or something called SMART NORA. Get back next to your wife, It’s hard to be intimate with alcohol, on your breath, or if you have ED from too much booze, or you just aren’t with her in bed.
I wished for along time I could dRink again like normal, But I ruined that. Life is great sober, really.
No one is coming to save you, no program alone can save you, you will have to save yourself.
We can help you through it, guide you, but can’t walk your walk.
So glad you are here.
The support is wonderful
This can be YOUR LAST DAY ONE.
Its so hard.
Water on the inside, water on the outside. Drink it, stick your hand in it, shower.
I never shared all the details with my hubby. It’s MY HELL, and my actions (not drinking) are what matters IMHO, not divulging our innnermost horrors.
Reading and posting here.
Clean a junk drawer.
As a health professional also, we know that urges last about 10 minutes. We have trigger times.
There are CPAP machines, or something called SMART NORA. Get back next to your wife, It’s hard to be intimate with alcohol, on your breath, or if you have ED from too much booze, or you just aren’t with her in bed.
I wished for along time I could dRink again like normal, But I ruined that. Life is great sober, really.
No one is coming to save you, no program alone can save you, you will have to save yourself.
We can help you through it, guide you, but can’t walk your walk.
So glad you are here.
The support is wonderful
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
Welcome, Brian. Alcoholism thrives on shame and guilt. I was a secret-drinker too and I know that alcoholism thrived because of that. Try to let go of the shame and be proud of the decision you've made to stop drinking. You can do this!
AA Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Silicon Valley
Posts: 2,983
In AA we have Formal Service Positions where we are accountable.
Accountability means we are missed by people if we don't show up.
Like:
Meeting Secretary
Coffee Maker
Chair Setup/ Clean Up
Literature Person
Door Greeter
and many others
Accountability means we are missed by people if we don't show up.
Like:
Meeting Secretary
Coffee Maker
Chair Setup/ Clean Up
Literature Person
Door Greeter
and many others
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Welcome Brian! SR is a wonderful support, it helped me get and stay sober after many failed attempts. I found reading and posting here daily really helpful.
You should join the November 2022 class, and also post on the 24 hour recovery thread each day, you’ll find really good supports on both.
Glad you’re here.
❤️ Delilah
You should join the November 2022 class, and also post on the 24 hour recovery thread each day, you’ll find really good supports on both.
Glad you’re here.
❤️ Delilah
Member
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 12,495
Hi LOB, I too work in healthcare, well I used too, so I knew better. I thought all was good until things spiraled out of control and I got myself in a deep hole. I was hiding my drinking..or at least I thought I was. Mr. A new of all my hiding places. SR has helped me a lot. You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 527
I have come to conclude that there is a type of alcoholic who can only recover by completely submitting to the recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have no idea whether you are one of those types (I am), but if you are -- then avoiding meetings because you are concerned about your public persona is akin to refusing to go to chemo because you don't want anyone to see you at the clinic. Countless public figures attend A.A. these days, and for the most part no one in the meetings cares that they're famous. In the meetings, we're all just drunks who have found a solution and are now sharing our experience, strength, and hope as part of our own program of recovery and to help the next suffering alcoholic who walks through the door. And these days you can even dip your toe into AA meetings by attending Zoom meetings anonymously. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more about any of that.
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