Desperately Need Some Accountability
 

I have been secretly drinking spirits (vodka, gin, whisky) for the last 6 years. I started sleeping in a separate room from my wife around that time (due to my snoring) and slipped into a habit of staying up late, streaming tv series and drinking. My unhealthy relationship with alcohol started in my teens. In my early thirties, when the kids were born, I cut back dramatically and rarely drank at all. My relationship with my wife is in a good place, despite sleeping in different rooms. I work in healthcare and I am deeply ashamed that I have allowed my drinking to spiral out of control like this. My hypocrisy hangs heavily on me. I feel that I can't tell my wife, as she is struggling with her own issues, at the moment. It would be very difficult for me to attend meetings, as I regularly appear in media as part of my work.

I need to be accountable to someone in order to stay on track. I desperately want to recover from this. I have made so many attempts and broken so many promises to myself. So, this is Day One. I'm committing to give an honest account of my attempt to remain sober.

Welcome to day one. We have all been where you are and know the pain and despair- and we also know there is a way out. You will find excellent support here, you are in the right place, LifeOfBrian.

Hello, dearest Brian. :hug: s

So many of us are or have been healthcare workers, and sure, it feels like we should know better. But Alcohol Use Disorder is a recognized disease, and we know that as well, and it can affect any of us. My best advice is try to let go of the shame; it serves no purpose other than to keep you stuck in your secret.

Now you have all of us—the best weapon that I have ever had against this disease. We do this together, one day at a time. :hug: ❤️

Thank you!

Hi Brian. Check in everyday and let us know how you’re doing. Help us help you by simply showing up 😊 I believe in you! You can do it!

I can't help but add—that is one of my all-time favourite movies and the song will be playing in my head for the rest of the day. :)

Welcome to SoberRecovery :)

Does your wife know you have a problem? Perhaps not the extent of the problem, but does she know that there is a problem there?

She doesn't know anything about it. I've been sneaking bottles into the house and sneaking out the empties.

The alternative would be if she suspected it but has said nothing. I never drank spirits so I don't know how much easier it is to hide drinking spirits. I drank lager so the smell alone would give away the game.

Welcome!

This can be YOUR LAST DAY ONE.

Its so hard.

Water on the inside, water on the outside. Drink it, stick your hand in it, shower.


I never shared all the details with my hubby. It’s MY HELL, and my actions (not drinking) are what matters IMHO, not divulging our innnermost horrors.

Reading and posting here.

Clean a junk drawer.

As a health professional also, we know that urges last about 10 minutes. We have trigger times.

There are CPAP machines, or something called SMART NORA. Get back next to your wife, It’s hard to be intimate with alcohol, on your breath, or if you have ED from too much booze, or you just aren’t with her in bed.

I wished for along time I could dRink again like normal, But I ruined that. Life is great sober, really.

No one is coming to save you, no program alone can save you, you will have to save yourself.

We can help you through it, guide you, but can’t walk your walk.

So glad you are here.

The support is wonderful

Welcome to the family Brian! :). You've come to a great place for support. :)

No shame required. You are in good company. My AA zoom home group has three MDs and two RNs. And those are the ones I know about. Plenty of Alcoholism in the medical profession.

Welcome, Brian. Alcoholism thrives on shame and guilt. I was a secret-drinker too and I know that alcoholism thrived because of that. Try to let go of the shame and be proud of the decision you've made to stop drinking. You can do this!

In AA we have Formal Service Positions where we are accountable.

Accountability means we are missed by people if we don't show up.

Like:
Meeting Secretary
Coffee Maker
Chair Setup/ Clean Up
Literature Person
Door Greeter
and many others

:tyou

Welcome Brian! SR is a wonderful support, it helped me get and stay sober after many failed attempts. I found reading and posting here daily really helpful.

You should join the November 2022 class, and also post on the 24 hour recovery thread each day, you’ll find really good supports on both.

Glad you’re here.
❤️ Delilah

welcome LOB :)

D

Welcome. My life of sobriety started on these forums. Haven't drank since 5/9/2022. If I can do it, you can too.

Hi Brian

well done on deciding to quit, amazing support here, SR has been a huge factor in my time sober since the start of the year. Good luck and keep posting.

Hi LOB, I too work in healthcare, well I used too, so I knew better. I thought all was good until things spiraled out of control and I got myself in a deep hole. I was hiding my drinking..or at least I thought I was. Mr. A new of all my hiding places. SR has helped me a lot. You can do this.

I have come to conclude that there is a type of alcoholic who can only recover by completely submitting to the recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have no idea whether you are one of those types (I am), but if you are -- then avoiding meetings because you are concerned about your public persona is akin to refusing to go to chemo because you don't want anyone to see you at the clinic. Countless public figures attend A.A. these days, and for the most part no one in the meetings cares that they're famous. In the meetings, we're all just drunks who have found a solution and are now sharing our experience, strength, and hope as part of our own program of recovery and to help the next suffering alcoholic who walks through the door. And these days you can even dip your toe into AA meetings by attending Zoom meetings anonymously. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more about any of that.