Ghoster18

I am self obsessed
I am losing the battle
Pleasure highs me me me!
God I found some normality again last week after a colossal binge then again yesterday I plummet into my sickness.
Seems to me I just like killing myself too much!
But I have to say I have an ever increasing to the point of overwhelming consequence curve that is constantly tightening around me.
I am doing this to me no one else.
That's obvious to all I guess who are wired for death.
I don't know why I even bother
I am in love with my addiction
I try not to be but there it is.
Progressive apathy and isolation

I'm posting this not for sympathy!
I hate sympathy!
I actually hate life
But I still have the capAcity to love and care!
WhAt a freak!!!!
This is my addiction mostly speaking here I realise that
When I clean up and find sobriety I like all of us become healthier and stronger.
It's just that ego drive in me to not confirm

My mum reminded me recently about an event when I was a teenAger.
My now deceased father was a violent unpredictable man and he used to work shifts in this particular morning he was due home around 7 and I was due at my job around 7 so I needed to be up and gone before he got home.. or else!!
I defiantly stayed in bed refusing to budge
He came home and all hell broke loose.
I am still defiantly doing it my way not budging!
I have tried to arrest this defective part of my nature through step work and God knows how many therapists and meds.
Yet here I still am screwed by myself into myself.
Question do I really want to recover?
Answer I don't honestly know.
I'm like a child emotionally stubborn
Hyper sensitive
Moody
Touchy
Self centred full of hate and fear.
But I also have experienced myself mature sober and healthy
So I'm not all bad.
Easier softer way... That's my problem!
This is a deep and brutal illness disorder disease
And I just keep succumbing
Why?
That's my turning point!
If I can unearth why I don't maintain sobriety I might be in with a chance.
Hope I made some sense!
G

Finalround

Ghoster, you make plenty of sense. Unfortunately of the senseless. I am also a "fixer". Stubborn to a fault. Sure that I can fix or solve anything. I look for the cause and effect of any problem and isolate the solution.
Except for this addiction. It is illogical. Irrational. I could find a thousand "whys". I can see all it's dangers. But I couldn't execute the only solution logically, "don't drink".
I had to get out of my comfort zone. Accept that I cannot solve this alone. I cannot approach it the way I have approached everything else. I am learning to combat my addiction from obtuse angles. Think outside the box or not think at all. for me, that is the key. I am NOT always right. I still have learning to do.
I still believe you can do this. And everyone else too.

Hawkeye13

I grew up with an explosive alcoholic mother.

That might have been the start of many of my reactions and where
I got the idea drinking was a way to deal with life and its problems.

But as an adult now, I am in charge of my life and emotions.
The choices I make now cannot be shifted to others--they are mine alone.

Getting sober and staying that way was the first step.
You can worry about "why" after your mind is clear enough to process
the therapy and the digging it will take to get at the source--which you
may find to be irrelevant in the end, as I did.

Right now, from what I can see from your posts, you are using this idea of "unearthing" as an excuse to keep relapsing.
I did the same thing, until I was ready to get serious about quitting
and worry about the "whys" later.

I hope you get to quitting for good soon.
It doesn't sound like you have too many relapses left G--

biminiblue

Here, I turned this around and it makes more sense now:




When the ship is sinking, I don't try to repaint it first...first I put on a drysuit and get into the lifeboat. The reasons why it sank are not important if I'm dead with a bucket of paint in my hand.

Ghoster, you are like us. You have an addiction or six.

The way out is to quit them then you can start to unravel the backstory. It doesn't work the other way 'round.


Glad you're back. Call your sponsor, ya know? All this gets sorted out when you work the 12 Steps.

Nonsensical

Probably not.
I know where you get that, though. I thought the same about myself for years.
My logic chain was:
Drinking is destroying my life.
I keep drinking.
Therefore, I MUST want my life to be destroyed.

It wasn't true, though. I didn't want to destroy my life. I wanted to be able to drink without any side effects. I was willing to risk the side effects to get my buzz, but I wasn't seeking the side effects. In fact, I took many steps to cover up my side effects. (like hiding, rotating stores, pretending I wasn't massively hungover, etc.)

It actually helped me stay a slave to my addiction to believe I had some fatal self-destructive flaw that couldn't be fixed. Why try to fix the unfixable?

I wasn't a victim of some defect that made destroying myself inevitable. I was making breathtakingly bad decisions because I was addicted to alcohol.

That puzzle can be solved.

All of us against the addiction.
Get back in the fight.
You can do this!

August252015

What would you post here if you were sober?

Ghoster18

Your all right in your replies to me.
I have this back to front.
I'm going at it through the buzz
Then getting pissed off Because Of the inevitable side effects

Honestly speaking this 3 pronged addiction costs me over £1000 each time now.
I feel like I'm bragging like look at me how sick and crazy I am!!

I could post here in 12 months if I'm still alive and say each binge costs me £5000 now. Wow I am now supersonic sick!!

I definitely have Terminal uniqueness most definitely!
Me against the world and all its injustices
I'm more addicted than anyone
No real addict like me ever gets better!!
That's what my deep recesses in my head say to me.
I am supra analytical
I can pull up all the big book contradictions
I have wiped the floor with every therapist I've ever took the **** out of.
I just live in a continuous headlock of nonsensical madness.
George best the now dead alcoholic ex man Utd footballer received a liver transplant and subsequently drank himself to death, at the time I thought how could he do that, today I'm thinking I get that!
As a said at the beginning of this post
You are all right in what you said to me.

I must put this ****
down
Physical sobriety first
Otherwise I'm a dead man!
I feel mentally possessed
Like my mind is constantly trying to restart a party that was a blast many many years ago.
I found it, it was my soothing comfort and I don't want to admit to myself it's turned into a monster eating me alive .

I might be a decent human being in certain ways but I gotta say when it comes down to drink and porn and all that **** I am a chronic selfish piece of work all to the detriment of my so called moral values.

If I do this and I make good through a program of recovery and yes I have to start afresh with a new sponsor there has been way too many deceits and slips for me to ever make that relAtionship work now.
I'm about to brag again... so now I go on the search for sponsor number 10!

Come on Ghoster let's get this to a 10,000£
Binge fest
50 fkn sponsors
Organ failure
Homelessness
Prison
Then mAybe someone will come and give me a cuddle!!

I said earlier I don't do sympathy but as I'm writing this God am I seeking sympathy.
It's linked to my father's passing it has to be
Even though I've had countless therapy sessions and done tonnes of step Work
I.havent forgiven that Bastard
I've tried
I've visited his grave with flowers
But I haven't purged my pain.
Shortly after he died when I was 20
I went up to his grave in the middle of the night drunk.. . Couldn't do it sober too scared!
And blasted out on a ghetto blaster my favourite rock tunes.
He really hurt me
And I can't confront him about it.
He shattered my self worth and I have given it my all to heal.
Victimstance!
Because I was a young helpless vuctim but now I am hurting me all over again and I've become a master at it.
What a desperately sad self confession!
Over the years on and off I have flickered back to life, found the real man, when that occurs I feel like an enthusiastic child.
That Christmas feeling!
That is what keeps me getting up from my addiction!

There is a band called
Public service broadcast
The war room is the album!
They have some songs about the Nazi blitz raids on London during WW2..
1- if war should come
2- London can take it
3- spitfire.

It says in the song London can take it...These are not Hollywood sound effects this is the music they play in London every night the symphony of war...
The sign of a great fighter in the ring is can he get up from the floor after being knocked down. London does this every morning, London can take it!

I really feel a strong connection with these words in my own battle with the raids on my being by addiction.
London took it and yes we conquered
Invictus!
Will I?
No easier softer way
Sex
Alcohol
Smoking
I didn't want to be an addict
I really didn't
But I am
Obsession
Allergy
Malady
I need love
Yes tough but it has to resonate
It really has to resonate
So I get it and my brain clicks into the solution!! !

Ghoster18

What would i post if I was sober

I've posted here on my other threads many times sober
Take a look!

It's Damn site better than this sick ****
G

Nonsensical

You can go to war with your past as often as you want, but you will lose 100% of the time.
----------------
You need to love yourself enough to get better. I despised myself for being addicted for many years. It made it harder to be sober, not easier. Open up to your own compassion, my friend. It will feel awkward and uncomfortable for a while, but it is the way.

dwtbd

Obsessions can not sustain themselves , they require feeding which by themselves ,qua obsession , they can not fulfill.
Every one time they are fed they are sustained, they weaken if starved. And they will shriek the loudest when they sense the starvation is near. 'Having' an obsession isn't the problem feeding them is.

TheToddman

Wow.

Probably one of the most incredible things I've read here.

Thanks man.

Ghoster18

Open up to your own compassion my friend!!

It sounds beautiful
Really it does!

Awkward it will feel awkward
You hit the nail on the head right there!

I am fighting for my life big time
It's hopefully coming across in my words
I am authentic and I know I'm ****** dying and I'm trying to stop it!!
Inside of me there is a keen runner
A good dad
A loving son and brother.
This addiction is one battle I've lost
Defeated I can't tackle it and it fkn infuriates me....
Anyone relate?
Humility is a course I need to study and embrace
Pride
Arrogance
Bloody horrendous
Stuck with me
Until I somehow give myself one day at a time over to the program of recovery.
I obviously have no idea who reads my posts apart from the people who respond to me.
But I'm imagining some
Long time sober people observing
Well I'm Hoping there is.
Because if I find freedom
And I continue here
I hope in a year or two God willing one of you stops by and drops me an inspirational line.
And maybe one day I can help some sick person like me
I would really like that!

Snowydelrico

One of my think outside the box methods was to think the opposite of whatever I was thinking and apply it.

Ghoster18

If I could meet my genie and have 3 wishes

1- I get and stay well!
My responsibility I know before anyone pitches in!
2- my family is reunited before irreversible consequences happen!
3- I meet all you amazing people face to face and we have a huge group hug!

Because it's like screen names from different countries and when I travel through my life wherever I go I feel desperately alone and scared.
Empty bottles and cans
Full ashtrays.
Yuk.

Maybe we could hold an annual SR
Recovery convention.
What a cool thing
God that would be a dream to stand up sober and a winner of recovery and talk to my fellow brothers and sisters
Detailing the edge of disaster and it all coming good.
Why not
Everything start a with a dream inside someone's head?

Fusion

Ghoster, I’m going out on a limb here, but I stopped drinking almost 18 months ago, via AVRT.....BUT I’m still interested in the process of ‘addiction’ and to that end, I read about it. I came cross the “30 Day Sobriety Experiment” by Annie Grace of the ‘book’ and I’ve followed it since stopping drinking, and cannot endorse it highly enough.

I wish I’d read it years ago, when I was wallowing and self-flagellating in the pit of addiction - only it didn’t exist then. It’s free, what do you have to lose, it’s just an emailed link to a narrative and a video, each day for 30 days, with the aim of influencing the sub-conscious, that thinks drinking is beneficial. It just may change your perception. I’m not affiliated in any way. I’m rooting for you!

Ghoster18

Thanks Tatsy
I'll look it up.
G

Dee74

Hi Ghoster

Tough talk time mon frere.

I was drunk so often, it got so I kinda liked wallowing in my own despair.
In its own way that self loathing was addictive too.

You already have basically all the tools you need to get sober and stay that way.

You could spend more decades working out why you're not using them, or you could just ..use them. Consistently and honestly.

Responding to every addictive thought with positive and thorough action.

Slowly by every good decision, you could turn things around.

Thats the way I did it.

Hard work for sure, and with less of an immediate payoff.

Not as much attention as an anguished relapse either. I was a diva before I came into recovery - a Olivier of Anguish - I both loved the attention - and hated that I needed it so much.

But I stayed sober and addiction free and worked hard on myself...I grew, I changed and I got more self reliant.

I learned to love and value my sober life and the sober me.

Give it a red hot go, man. 100%.

D