Ghoster18

I am self obsessed
I am losing the battle
Pleasure highs me me me!
God I found some normality again last week after a colossal binge then again yesterday I plummet into my sickness.
Seems to me I just like killing myself too much!
But I have to say I have an ever increasing to the point of overwhelming consequence curve that is constantly tightening around me.
I am doing this to me no one else.
That's obvious to all I guess who are wired for death.
I don't know why I even bother
I am in love with my addiction
I try not to be but there it is.
Progressive apathy and isolation

I'm posting this not for sympathy!
I hate sympathy!
I actually hate life
But I still have the capAcity to love and care!
WhAt a freak!!!!
This is my addiction mostly speaking here I realise that
When I clean up and find sobriety I like all of us become healthier and stronger.
It's just that ego drive in me to not confirm

My mum reminded me recently about an event when I was a teenAger.
My now deceased father was a violent unpredictable man and he used to work shifts in this particular morning he was due home around 7 and I was due at my job around 7 so I needed to be up and gone before he got home.. or else!!
I defiantly stayed in bed refusing to budge
He came home and all hell broke loose.
I am still defiantly doing it my way not budging!
I have tried to arrest this defective part of my nature through step work and God knows how many therapists and meds.
Yet here I still am screwed by myself into myself.
Question do I really want to recover?
Answer I don't honestly know.
I'm like a child emotionally stubborn
Hyper sensitive
Moody
Touchy
Self centred full of hate and fear.
But I also have experienced myself mature sober and healthy
So I'm not all bad.
Easier softer way... That's my problem!
This is a deep and brutal illness disorder disease
And I just keep succumbing
Why?
That's my turning point!
If I can unearth why I don't maintain sobriety I might be in with a chance.
Hope I made some sense!
G