Ghoster18

Your all right in your replies to me.
I have this back to front.
I'm going at it through the buzz
Then getting pissed off Because Of the inevitable side effects

Honestly speaking this 3 pronged addiction costs me over £1000 each time now.
I feel like I'm bragging like look at me how sick and crazy I am!!

I could post here in 12 months if I'm still alive and say each binge costs me £5000 now. Wow I am now supersonic sick!!

I definitely have Terminal uniqueness most definitely!
Me against the world and all its injustices
I'm more addicted than anyone
No real addict like me ever gets better!!
That's what my deep recesses in my head say to me.
I am supra analytical
I can pull up all the big book contradictions
I have wiped the floor with every therapist I've ever took the **** out of.
I just live in a continuous headlock of nonsensical madness.
George best the now dead alcoholic ex man Utd footballer received a liver transplant and subsequently drank himself to death, at the time I thought how could he do that, today I'm thinking I get that!
As a said at the beginning of this post
You are all right in what you said to me.

I must put this ****
down
Physical sobriety first
Otherwise I'm a dead man!
I feel mentally possessed
Like my mind is constantly trying to restart a party that was a blast many many years ago.
I found it, it was my soothing comfort and I don't want to admit to myself it's turned into a monster eating me alive .

I might be a decent human being in certain ways but I gotta say when it comes down to drink and porn and all that **** I am a chronic selfish piece of work all to the detriment of my so called moral values.

If I do this and I make good through a program of recovery and yes I have to start afresh with a new sponsor there has been way too many deceits and slips for me to ever make that relAtionship work now.
I'm about to brag again... so now I go on the search for sponsor number 10!

Come on Ghoster let's get this to a 10,000£
Binge fest
50 fkn sponsors
Organ failure
Homelessness
Prison
Then mAybe someone will come and give me a cuddle!!

I said earlier I don't do sympathy but as I'm writing this God am I seeking sympathy.
It's linked to my father's passing it has to be
Even though I've had countless therapy sessions and done tonnes of step Work
I.havent forgiven that Bastard
I've tried
I've visited his grave with flowers
But I haven't purged my pain.
Shortly after he died when I was 20
I went up to his grave in the middle of the night drunk.. . Couldn't do it sober too scared!
And blasted out on a ghetto blaster my favourite rock tunes.
He really hurt me
And I can't confront him about it.
He shattered my self worth and I have given it my all to heal.
Victimstance!
Because I was a young helpless vuctim but now I am hurting me all over again and I've become a master at it.
What a desperately sad self confession!
Over the years on and off I have flickered back to life, found the real man, when that occurs I feel like an enthusiastic child.
That Christmas feeling!
That is what keeps me getting up from my addiction!

There is a band called
Public service broadcast
The war room is the album!
They have some songs about the Nazi blitz raids on London during WW2..
1- if war should come
2- London can take it
3- spitfire.

It says in the song London can take it...These are not Hollywood sound effects this is the music they play in London every night the symphony of war...
The sign of a great fighter in the ring is can he get up from the floor after being knocked down. London does this every morning, London can take it!

I really feel a strong connection with these words in my own battle with the raids on my being by addiction.
London took it and yes we conquered
Invictus!
Will I?
No easier softer way
Sex
Alcohol
Smoking
I didn't want to be an addict
I really didn't
But I am
Obsession
Allergy
Malady
I need love
Yes tough but it has to resonate
It really has to resonate
So I get it and my brain clicks into the solution!! !