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There is a solution but I can't make it stick!! !

Old 02-14-2018, 06:10 PM
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There is a solution but I can't make it stick!! !

The 12 steps...
Since I sat in a rehab in 2001 and then my entrance into two 12 step fellowships in 2009 I have been a ticking time bomb.
Selfishness self centeredness that we think is the ROOT of our problem!
I got a sponsor staight away in 2009 a man who'd known prison, family suicides, intravenous drug use
Alcoholism
A really kind wise recovered nutjob!
And I don't say that disrespectfully by his own admission he was fkn nuts!
I've tried with everything in me under this long time sober recovered mans guidance to take the 12 steps twice
And I put everything Ive got into that.
I'm still messed up! - I'm obviously doing it wrong!
It's doin my head in now big time!
Now's the time to take those steps again
Because this selfish self centred nutjob
Can see the end
Can feel the edge so close
And I gotta say in some strange dark twisted part of my nature death in this disease turns me on!
I have no idea what that part of myself is
But I have little doubt that it's
Probably been written about throughout history if I took the time to look.

Other people afflicted are able to stay sober with the steps. I personally know lots of them myself.
What I'm seeking here are folk like me who are making it clean and sober, people with similar experiences to myself, years of trying with everything in them to stay well but were chronic relapsers and who eventually managed to wake up to the art of surrender and day at a time live that way!
No offence here but if you walked through the doors of AA got a sponsor took the steps and never looked back
I'd avoid this thread big time. I'm not saying that to be special and different I'm saying it because it's my experience and that's all I've got. Post if you want it might help me.
Apologies for my pride and arrogance!👽💀
I'll finish on this...

It says people have to be rigorously honest with themselves to sober up on the program
And if they are incapable of that their chances are less than average.
I don't know what it is with this twisted psyche of mine that makes it difficult for me to be rigorously honest with myself.
I know I've got the character to do this
To break the back of this thing!
But I really struggle to be honest with myself in the context of my addiction i can be honest in regards to many other things in my life
but this beast addiction it's like I'll wrestle it into my grave!

I was in a meeting in November last year an oldtimer 40 odd years sober turned to me at the end of the meeting and said
' You know what you have to do you have to break it's back'
And off he went!
I was one day sober!
Tonight I'm on day zero.
I'm finished on this run I know when its done.
Another £1000 Of debt and a week absent from work and very dangerous behaviour towards myself.
My sponsor told me once or more likely dozens of times that you recover breath by breath.
I've a few hellish days ahead as the fog lifts and I see the devastation.
I need to reconnect to people and some of them people I have just crapped all over big time!
But I can't do it without them

Thing is if someone done to me what I do to them I'd fkn drink!
I couldn't bear it.
Yet there it is
My family won't do al/anon or any stuff to help they just suffer in silence
I'm the timebomb!
I either disarm breath by breath and start telling the truth to myself rigorously about how sick I am and that there is a solution.
Or I detonate!

Well I can detonate
Expel my pent up energies with healthy pursuits!

Stop hiding in a sick toxic bubble!
G
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Old 02-14-2018, 06:56 PM
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I've tried with everything in me under this long time sober recovered mans guidance to take the 12 steps twice
And I put everything Ive got into that.
I'm still messed up! - I'm obviously doing it wrong!


i don't mean to be glib, but nothing works unless we commit to NOT drinking. that comes with the complete and utter surrender to step ONE.

no matter how hard we work at the steps, we cannot expect some Higher Power to reach down a hand and smote alcohol out of our lives. we can experience a reprieve, and for the obsession to leave us, if we are willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to not drink.

honesty
open mindedness
willingness

humility
surrender
a desire to be of good use to others
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Old 02-14-2018, 07:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Ghoster18 View Post
And I gotta say in some strange dark twisted part of my nature death in this disease turns me on!
I'd start here. Why do you feel that way? Can you untwist that part of your dark nature? Or at least shed some light on it? What would it take to no longer want this disease?
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Old 02-15-2018, 12:35 AM
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I had to accept that my drinking was killing me.

The natural result of accepting that is taking drinking off the table as a viable option for dealing with life - no matter how I'm feeling, what someone did to me or how scared or angry I am.

No matter how valid the reason might seem, I cannot drink alcohol over it. Ever.

You can't be a little bit in recovery IMO.

It started as the hardest thing I'd ever done...but it got easier with time and practice.

I worked hard developing alternatives and strategies to help me deal with the things I used to drin k over..

I'm not in AA but I think that dismissing the drink as a viable option correlates to step one.

It's the fundamental step.

D
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Old 02-15-2018, 01:24 AM
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Who would you be if you stopped believing the behaviors you want to change were the result of something being wrong with you?

That things are not as you want them to be because you are not as you should be?

Who would you be if you were not at war with yourself?

Put down your weapons of self-destruction and find out.

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Old 02-15-2018, 03:45 AM
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Sat in my first AA meeting in 1998, went to rehab in 2001, and stopped drinking in 2015. 17 years of failure!! How crazy. Never mind though we get there in the end as long as we don't stop tying to stop. Complete and utter acceptance of my illness, and a recovery plan that I repeat every day without fail is what I had / have to do. As you said I needed to do things to get the negative energy out of me, so I walk and walk and walk. Not to go anywhere, I just need to walk. Physical exercise and a desire to be as healthy as I can be is part of what keeps me going. Good luck.
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Old 02-15-2018, 07:32 AM
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Ghost:
You have to want it, accept it and do everything you can to not go backward. Written down it seems to simple, HUH?
You need a plan, whatever the hell that looks like to you. Finding something else to do when you are triggered into booze, sex or drugs.... A hobby.
It seems like you have grouped together a few days here and there throughout, so it is IN YOU! You just have to work for it every single damn day of your life. It will get easier, and it does. The relapses are what makes it much harder with every single relapse.
Look at what you did leading up to your relapse, write that down, the feelings, person, situation, etc... and DO NOT do it again. It appears you were getting romantic with a lady, in this situation I would totally agree with the suggestion in AA: No relationships for a year, work on you so the blinders can be lifted.
Only you can do the work, you know that.

If this is coming out strong, it's because I know you can handle it. You are a straight shooter, no BS kind of guy.
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Old 02-15-2018, 07:44 AM
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Well you certainly sound like you've given up on yourself.

Fair enough. You're the only addict in the history of Ever to be unable to put it down.

How does that sound? Pretty Special Snowflake, yeah?

I had reasons for all the self-destruction. A couple times I wanted to die, because I couldn't wrap my head around ever feeling good. It seemed like everyone else in the world got something I didn't get as far as being stable and happy.

Terminally Unique is a part of AA because it's so common. "My issues are worse! I cannot stop! I am the best addict in the history of addicts. I have six addictions and every one of them is worse than what you did!"

Nuh-uh.

Put the stuff down. Then figure out how to find other happiness in spite of the defeatist view. There is only one way. Put the stuff down.
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Old 02-15-2018, 08:00 AM
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I've never made it past step 4 in AA and I don't work with a sponsor. Hell, I don't even really 'AA" that often anymore. Therapy helped me get out of my 'stuck phase'. Posting here daily most days has helped me. My 'switch' flipped from constant need to tear down everything I've built up,again about 9 months ago. I no longer want to/will go to that dark place in my mind. Unless some tragic event happens and my 'dark side' is needed. But, I'll not drink. I'd suggest some therapy Ghoster.
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Old 02-15-2018, 10:09 AM
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Fr Dee: "The natural result of accepting that is taking drinking off the table as a viable option for dealing with life - no matter how I'm feeling, what someone did to me or how scared or angry I am.

No matter how valid the reason might seem, I cannot drink alcohol over it. Ever."


I keep telling myself this over and over. Sometimes, I'm a little shaky, but when I tell myself this, it works.
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Old 02-15-2018, 10:22 AM
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I had also noticed your absence from SR lately,Ghoster. Time to buckle down on that plan and stick to it hardcore. If you feel your sponsor was somewhat of a trigger, switch sponsors(don't place blame on others for your drinking/drugging though). I see you say "Thing is if someone done to me what I do to them I'd fkn drink!
I couldn't bear it.
Yet there it is
My family won't do al/anon or any stuff to help they just suffer in silence
I'm the timebomb!
I either disarm breath by breath and start telling the truth to myself rigorously about how sick I am and that there is a solution.
Or I detonate!"
Why is it you think your family needs al/anon?..And by them not wanting to go to that, you feel like you want to "detonate". To me that's blaming them for your drinking. We all handle things differently and it wasn't until I stopped blaming others,the world,ect..for my making bad decisions, did I cross over to true sobriety. I always say "had I stayed with my exAgf, I'd still be drinking to deal with her actions/words." That's 100% true,but I'm not placing blame on her. That's who she is. It was up to me to take myself out of that situation. My life is dependent on me. No one else! Own your stuff,bud and handle your sobriety business.
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Old 02-15-2018, 10:32 AM
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I can feel the desperation in your post. And to me that is a good thing. I often hear from my cohorts about the gift of desperation. I relate to that wholeheartedly. A good pivot into the right direction can often be preceded by desperation.

I spent 9 years chronically relapsing. I felt so hopeless and defeated. I had even strung together some clean time, tried different programs, only to return to a worse bottom than before. Thankfully, at some point I became sick and tired of being sick and tired, and my efforts to stay sober began to have traction.

I had to jump into recovery with both feet, no reservations, I went to intensive outpatient treatment (IOP), immersed myself in support groups, began to take all sorts of suggestions that previously I would give lip service to and discard. I put my life (as I had been living) on hold, dropped unhealthy friendships, stopped going to any activity where alcohol was present.

This opened doors to new activities, behaviors, friendships, thoughts, and a frame of reference that supported my sobriety.

I generally hear people with solid recovery tell similar stories. Listen to their stories and suggestions, be honest with yourself about how you can move closer to their example. Best of luck to you :-)
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Old 02-16-2018, 01:19 PM
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How are you Ghoster?
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