There is a solution but I can't make it stick!! !
The 12 steps...
Since I sat in a rehab in 2001 and then my entrance into two 12 step fellowships in 2009 I have been a ticking time bomb.
Selfishness self centeredness that we think is the ROOT of our problem!
I got a sponsor staight away in 2009 a man who'd known prison, family suicides, intravenous drug use
Alcoholism
A really kind wise recovered nutjob!
And I don't say that disrespectfully by his own admission he was fkn nuts!
I've tried with everything in me under this long time sober recovered mans guidance to take the 12 steps twice
And I put everything Ive got into that.
I'm still messed up! - I'm obviously doing it wrong!
It's doin my head in now big time!
Now's the time to take those steps again
Because this selfish self centred nutjob
Can see the end
Can feel the edge so close
And I gotta say in some strange dark twisted part of my nature death in this disease turns me on!
I have no idea what that part of myself is
But I have little doubt that it's
Probably been written about throughout history if I took the time to look.
Other people afflicted are able to stay sober with the steps. I personally know lots of them myself.
What I'm seeking here are folk like me who are making it clean and sober, people with similar experiences to myself, years of trying with everything in them to stay well but were chronic relapsers and who eventually managed to wake up to the art of surrender and day at a time live that way!
No offence here but if you walked through the doors of AA got a sponsor took the steps and never looked back
I'd avoid this thread big time. I'm not saying that to be special and different I'm saying it because it's my experience and that's all I've got. Post if you want it might help me.
Apologies for my pride and arrogance!👽💀
I'll finish on this...
It says people have to be rigorously honest with themselves to sober up on the program
And if they are incapable of that their chances are less than average.
I don't know what it is with this twisted psyche of mine that makes it difficult for me to be rigorously honest with myself.
I know I've got the character to do this
To break the back of this thing!
But I really struggle to be honest with myself in the context of my addiction i can be honest in regards to many other things in my life
but this beast addiction it's like I'll wrestle it into my grave!
I was in a meeting in November last year an oldtimer 40 odd years sober turned to me at the end of the meeting and said
' You know what you have to do you have to break it's back'
And off he went!
I was one day sober!
Tonight I'm on day zero.
I'm finished on this run I know when its done.
Another £1000 Of debt and a week absent from work and very dangerous behaviour towards myself.
My sponsor told me once or more likely dozens of times that you recover breath by breath.
I've a few hellish days ahead as the fog lifts and I see the devastation.
I need to reconnect to people and some of them people I have just crapped all over big time!
But I can't do it without them
Thing is if someone done to me what I do to them I'd fkn drink!
I couldn't bear it.
Yet there it is
My family won't do al/anon or any stuff to help they just suffer in silence
I'm the timebomb!
I either disarm breath by breath and start telling the truth to myself rigorously about how sick I am and that there is a solution.
Or I detonate!
Well I can detonate
Expel my pent up energies with healthy pursuits!
Stop hiding in a sick toxic bubble!
G