Well you certainly sound like you've given up on yourself.
Fair enough. You're the only addict in the history of Ever to be unable to put it down.
How does that sound? Pretty Special Snowflake, yeah?
I had reasons for all the self-destruction. A couple times I wanted to die, because I couldn't wrap my head around ever feeling good. It seemed like everyone else in the world got something I didn't get as far as being stable and happy.
Terminally Unique is a part of AA because it's so common. "My issues are worse! I cannot stop! I am the best addict in the history of addicts. I have six addictions and every one of them is worse than what you did!"
Nuh-uh.
Put the stuff down. Then figure out how to find other happiness in spite of the defeatist view. There is only one way. Put the stuff down.