I can feel the desperation in your post. And to me that is a good thing. I often hear from my cohorts about the gift of desperation. I relate to that wholeheartedly. A good pivot into the right direction can often be preceded by desperation.
I spent 9 years chronically relapsing. I felt so hopeless and defeated. I had even strung together some clean time, tried different programs, only to return to a worse bottom than before. Thankfully, at some point I became sick and tired of being sick and tired, and my efforts to stay sober began to have traction.
I had to jump into recovery with both feet, no reservations, I went to intensive outpatient treatment (IOP), immersed myself in support groups, began to take all sorts of suggestions that previously I would give lip service to and discard. I put my life (as I had been living) on hold, dropped unhealthy friendships, stopped going to any activity where alcohol was present.
This opened doors to new activities, behaviors, friendships, thoughts, and a frame of reference that supported my sobriety.
I generally hear people with solid recovery tell similar stories. Listen to their stories and suggestions, be honest with yourself about how you can move closer to their example. Best of luck to you :-)