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soberista, Thank you for sending me that 
That analogy is perfect and so true. It's small unexpected reminders that set the grief come crashing, like a wave.
Like putting the TV and one of his bargain hunting or antique programmes he used to love coming on, but then he lost interest in them in the summer, at the beginning of the end.
Like his little veggie patch that he tended like a baby starting to grow weeds. His Christmas presents that he would have been so enthusiastic about had he been well lying unused as he was too ill by then.
Just stupid, little things that hit you unexpectedly.
I had a bad day yesterday anyway, because when I took my grandchildren over my mothers, my sister had picked my dads ashes up.
I couldn't believe all that was left of him was a box of ashes.
Then I came and read you had posted this
It's comforting, the ship analogy, when I was a kid, we used to sing "Bridge over Troubled Water" together, and when it got to the crescendo of "I'm Sailing Right Behind" my mother used to tell us shut up cos we sounded like cats wailing.
And at his bedside during the night before he died, this poem I found brought me some comfort
Gone From My Sight
I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,
spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone."
Gone where?
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.
And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"
And that is dying...
Thank you so much for sending me that post
That analogy is perfect and so true. It's small unexpected reminders that set the grief come crashing, like a wave.Like putting the TV and one of his bargain hunting or antique programmes he used to love coming on, but then he lost interest in them in the summer, at the beginning of the end.
Like his little veggie patch that he tended like a baby starting to grow weeds. His Christmas presents that he would have been so enthusiastic about had he been well lying unused as he was too ill by then.
Just stupid, little things that hit you unexpectedly.
I had a bad day yesterday anyway, because when I took my grandchildren over my mothers, my sister had picked my dads ashes up.
I couldn't believe all that was left of him was a box of ashes.
Then I came and read you had posted this
It's comforting, the ship analogy, when I was a kid, we used to sing "Bridge over Troubled Water" together, and when it got to the crescendo of "I'm Sailing Right Behind" my mother used to tell us shut up cos we sounded like cats wailing.
And at his bedside during the night before he died, this poem I found brought me some comfort
Gone From My Sight
I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,
spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone."
Gone where?
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.
And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"
And that is dying...
Thank you so much for sending me that post
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Originally Posted by 2ndhandrose 
This here is so lovely, mandy 
I keep a Happy Jar, I write my happy little bits on a stickie and fold it up and put it in my jar. Then every so often I take a handful out and remember what made me happy.
This is going in my Happy Jar
I keep a Happy Jar, I write my happy little bits on a stickie and fold it up and put it in my jar. Then every so often I take a handful out and remember what made me happy.
This is going in my Happy Jar
I mean every word!Ok, you got me beat, I'm crying over temps of about -3, no competition haha. I hope you have a fantastic time with your friend when they come. I know what you mean about visitor cleaning. When you know someone is coming to stay you notice all the things that need dusting or cleaning that you don't notice when you are just by yourself haha
You always manage to make your post so colourful!! I feel like quite the dowdy Jane posting next to you haha
Have a good one today rose
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Day 10. Had a tearful hour this morning, mainly because of that post I wrote about it's the little things I miss about my dad. Felt very much better afterwards though.
I have spent an hour cleaning up the flat (inbetween jumping on and off of here haha). But it only took an hour! Those couple of hours I've been doing everyday, to get rid of the disgusting filthiness, have paid off,now I just have to maintainAnd get the bloody decorating in the kitchen done so I can move these dining chairs and what-not from my immaculately clean bedroom
The difference a week makes! This time last week, I was sitting on the bedroom floor in tears, because I couldn't get the duvet in the clean cover, I was doing my southern belle back of the hand to the forehead "It's all too much for me"
Mind you, that is one job I hate. It's always a wrestling match ..if I had the money I would pay someone to come and change the duvet cover once a week! But it doesn't usually bring me to tears like last week haha
I have spent an hour cleaning up the flat (inbetween jumping on and off of here haha). But it only took an hour! Those couple of hours I've been doing everyday, to get rid of the disgusting filthiness, have paid off,now I just have to maintain
And get the bloody decorating in the kitchen done so I can move these dining chairs and what-not from my immaculately clean bedroom The difference a week makes! This time last week, I was sitting on the bedroom floor in tears, because I couldn't get the duvet in the clean cover, I was doing my southern belle back of the hand to the forehead "It's all too much for me"
Mind you, that is one job I hate. It's always a wrestling match ..if I had the money I would pay someone to come and change the duvet cover once a week! But it doesn't usually bring me to tears like last week haha
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Just had a phone call ...will I babysit the troglodytes tonight?
long time since Ive been asked to for a full night. At least they have faith that I mean what I say when I said I am finished with drinking ...at least for tonight.
I've no doubt they will ring under different pretexts as the night goes on, but they must have a little faith in me to trust me for a whole night.
Oh no, there goes my tidy house
and I don't mind a bit . Those kids put the life back into me...and suck it out again all at the same time haha
long time since Ive been asked to for a full night. At least they have faith that I mean what I say when I said I am finished with drinking ...at least for tonight.I've no doubt they will ring under different pretexts as the night goes on, but they must have a little faith in me to trust me for a whole night.
Oh no, there goes my tidy house
and I don't mind a bit . Those kids put the life back into me...and suck it out again all at the same time haha
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Day 10, woot!!!!!!!
mandy, you are far from a dowdy jane in your posts You have a most delightful way with words! (and just look at your profile pic, I love it!)
The posts about grief are beautiful and poignant. Both of my parents passed many years ago, but I was particularly close to my mom. Not a day goes by that I don't miss her.
Have fun tonight with your wee troglodytes
I am childless by choice so have none of these things running around, lol!
"I was doing my southern belle back of the hand to the forehead "It's all too much for me"
(This was me for most of my drinking career.....about EVERYTHING)
mandy, you are far from a dowdy jane in your posts
You have a most delightful way with words! (and just look at your profile pic, I love it!)The posts about grief are beautiful and poignant. Both of my parents passed many years ago, but I was particularly close to my mom. Not a day goes by that I don't miss her.
Have fun tonight with your wee troglodytes
I am childless by choice so have none of these things running around, lol!"I was doing my southern belle back of the hand to the forehead "It's all too much for me"
(This was me for most of my drinking career.....about EVERYTHING
)
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Thanks rose Yeah, the Alsation/wolf, I loved the colours so took about two hours to download it then upload it (not very computer savvy haha)
That must be so hard rose, having lost both your parents, especially having been so close to your mum. I think like Kubler-Ross says, you never get over the loss, nor would you want to, you just learn to live with it
Yeah the troglodytes, exhausting ..but fun They asked why I called them that and what it meant, when I told them it was crazy little men,who lived in caves they weren't happy and asked me to stop, so I do it all the time now haha
They are in bed now, but I can hear them talking, so who knows when they will sleep??
Yeah you saved yourself a lot of pain choosing not to have kids. Especially in the arse and in the neck haha.
Yeah, me drinking = the ultimate drama queen
Yeah, the Alsation/wolf, I loved the colours so took about two hours to download it then upload it (not very computer savvy haha)That must be so hard rose, having lost both your parents, especially having been so close to your mum. I think like Kubler-Ross says, you never get over the loss, nor would you want to, you just learn to live with it
Yeah the troglodytes, exhausting ..but fun
They asked why I called them that and what it meant, when I told them it was crazy little men,who lived in caves they weren't happy and asked me to stop, so I do it all the time now hahaThey are in bed now, but I can hear them talking, so who knows when they will sleep??
Yeah you saved yourself a lot of pain choosing not to have kids. Especially in the arse and in the neck haha.
Yeah, me drinking = the ultimate drama queen
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Off to bed, well not bed the troggs are in it! I have a spacious 2 seater couch to sleep on tonight 
Today has been a good day. Not one single craving. So I'm guessing this is they way things will be for a while. Some days, like yesterday manic cravings and others none!
I set a new rule for myself the other day. Because I am OCDish, I tend to have obsessive thoughts, that drive me mad, going round and round in my head.
I have set the rule that, if I recognize a thought is becoming obsessive, if I start mulling on something I can do nothing about, or the past, or the future I'll cut it dead. It's working well. Even in a few days it's becoming easier to just stop these thoughts.
Did have a bit of practice before, when I was doing SMART recovery, the "stop thought" technique, what an imaginative name eh? haha But I am actually using it when I need to now
Tonight one of my little troggs said "nanny (Ive asked him not to call me that, makes me feel like a goat!) "nanny, why have you not put up the beauuutiful butterflies I bought you for Christmas"...they haven't been to my house since before Christmas
My Christmas presents, I had forgotton all about them!! With being at the hospital all the time over Christmas and New Year, I had exchanged prezzies with people, then just dropped the bags off at home, straight into a cupboard. Then after my dad died, I was drunk most of the time.
So tonight me and the kids got out and had a proper look at all my Christmas prezzies. Rest assured, my beauutiful , colourful glass butterflies are hanging in the window ready to catch the light tomorrow
It's like Christmas again, having a good look and tinker with everything I was given haha
I hope tomorrow is as easy as today. But don't mind if it isn't..I'll get where I want to be in the end.
Today has been a good day. Not one single craving. So I'm guessing this is they way things will be for a while. Some days, like yesterday manic cravings and others none!
I set a new rule for myself the other day. Because I am OCDish, I tend to have obsessive thoughts, that drive me mad, going round and round in my head.
I have set the rule that, if I recognize a thought is becoming obsessive, if I start mulling on something I can do nothing about, or the past, or the future I'll cut it dead. It's working well. Even in a few days it's becoming easier to just stop these thoughts.
Did have a bit of practice before, when I was doing SMART recovery, the "stop thought" technique, what an imaginative name eh? haha But I am actually using it when I need to now
Tonight one of my little troggs said "nanny (Ive asked him not to call me that, makes me feel like a goat!) "nanny, why have you not put up the beauuutiful butterflies I bought you for Christmas"...they haven't been to my house since before Christmas
My Christmas presents, I had forgotton all about them!! With being at the hospital all the time over Christmas and New Year, I had exchanged prezzies with people, then just dropped the bags off at home, straight into a cupboard. Then after my dad died, I was drunk most of the time.
So tonight me and the kids got out and had a proper look at all my Christmas prezzies. Rest assured, my beauutiful , colourful glass butterflies are hanging in the window ready to catch the light tomorrow
It's like Christmas again, having a good look and tinker with everything I was given haha
I hope tomorrow is as easy as today. But don't mind if it isn't..I'll get where I want to be in the end.
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They've gone home..
They have been up since 6, it's 1pm, my flat looks like a hurricane hit. There are crumbs everywhere, squashed in cake everywhere (just got rid of the mice, don't want word to get out in the mouse community that there is an all you can eat free for all here, so need to hoover every square inch!). There is a ninja warrior course in my living room, build with anything and everything they could get their grubby hands on, and wasn't bolted down. There is toilet roll all over the loo, and toothpaste, liquid soap and towels all over the bathroom....it's been great!!
They have been up since 6, it's 1pm, my flat looks like a hurricane hit. There are crumbs everywhere, squashed in cake everywhere (just got rid of the mice, don't want word to get out in the mouse community that there is an all you can eat free for all here, so need to hoover every square inch!). There is a ninja warrior course in my living room, build with anything and everything they could get their grubby hands on, and wasn't bolted down. There is toilet roll all over the loo, and toothpaste, liquid soap and towels all over the bathroom....it's been great!!
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Good Morning Mandy (for me)
Your second Christmas sounds fantastic! So did your time with the littles!
I gotta say, are you me, posting from a parallel universe?
"Because I am OCDish, I tend to have obsessive thoughts, that drive me mad, going round and round in my head.
I have set the rule that, if I recognize a thought is becoming obsessive, if I start mulling on something I can do nothing about, or the past, or the future I'll cut it dead. It's working well. Even in a few days it's becoming easier to just stop these thoughts."
I relate so much to what you write about. I have been doing the STOP strategy for quite a while now and it really is becoming second nature.
I read this one - 'catch, challenge and release', to deal with negative thinking. A lot of my negative thoughts can quickly turn into catastrophic thinking so challenging them with facts helps me to get a grip, too.
I never believed I could change the way I thought but I was wrong about that!
(I hope the mouse community never got whiff of the buffet)
(for me)Your second Christmas sounds fantastic! So did your time with the littles!
I gotta say, are you me, posting from a parallel universe?
"Because I am OCDish, I tend to have obsessive thoughts, that drive me mad, going round and round in my head.
I have set the rule that, if I recognize a thought is becoming obsessive, if I start mulling on something I can do nothing about, or the past, or the future I'll cut it dead. It's working well. Even in a few days it's becoming easier to just stop these thoughts."
I relate so much to what you write about. I have been doing the STOP strategy for quite a while now and it really is becoming second nature.
I read this one - 'catch, challenge and release', to deal with negative thinking. A lot of my negative thoughts can quickly turn into catastrophic thinking so challenging them with facts helps me to get a grip, too.
I never believed I could change the way I thought but I was wrong about that!
(I hope the mouse community never got whiff of the buffet
)
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LJ, thanks for the dancing banana, is it doing the macarena? Ah no, looks like something out of Saturday Night Fever it's doing haha
I am giving it my best shot LJ, I reaaallly want this, thank you for the encouragement
Have a good one
I am giving it my best shot LJ, I reaaallly want this, thank you for the encouragement
Have a good one
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rose, could be, I actually believe in parallel universes haha
Oh the bloody OCD drives me mad, those butterflies my little trogg gave me, they won't stay at the right angles to each other with the drafts at the window haha. I am using them to train myself that things do not have to be geometrically aligned at all times to look good haha
If you saw me, you wouldn't believe I had OCD, I am a proper old hippy (who likes ska music)
haha
The thing you do sounds effective - 'catch, challenge and release', I too catastrophize. And I usually find this obsessive thinking builds up and up, until I crumble and drink, I don't know if it's the want of a drink causes the thinking or the thinking is the excuse to drink.
I do know it's not pleasant to live with, I don't want to live with it and I'm not going to live with it, I'll retrain myself in the thinking department if it kills me haha
I'm glad to hear this sort of thinking can be changed, as witnessed by you!
The mice, yeah, thanks to you saying buffet, I have visions of an orderly queue forming behind the skirting boards, lots of patient mice, paper plates and napkins in hand waiting for their turn to reach the feast laid out for them by the boys, or littles, as you call them, I like that, suits them well, only 3 and 5 .
Oh the bloody OCD drives me mad, those butterflies my little trogg gave me, they won't stay at the right angles to each other with the drafts at the window haha. I am using them to train myself that things do not have to be geometrically aligned at all times to look good haha
If you saw me, you wouldn't believe I had OCD, I am a proper old hippy (who likes ska music)
haha
The thing you do sounds effective - 'catch, challenge and release', I too catastrophize. And I usually find this obsessive thinking builds up and up, until I crumble and drink, I don't know if it's the want of a drink causes the thinking or the thinking is the excuse to drink.
I do know it's not pleasant to live with, I don't want to live with it and I'm not going to live with it, I'll retrain myself in the thinking department if it kills me haha
I'm glad to hear this sort of thinking can be changed, as witnessed by you!
The mice, yeah, thanks to you saying buffet, I have visions of an orderly queue forming behind the skirting boards, lots of patient mice, paper plates and napkins in hand waiting for their turn to reach the feast laid out for them by the boys, or littles, as you call them, I like that, suits them well, only 3 and 5 .
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So, progress made this week.
Flat clean (again)
Bills arrears arrangements made.
Sleep good again.
Appetite back.
Resolve still good.
Mice gone (no bodies found, must have gone somewhere else to expire)
Feeling goodish physically (mostly)
Head clearing
Can actually bear to listen to music again.
I am babysitting the littles (thanks, rose) at their house tomorrow night as mammy and daddy are going out for a valentines meal.
Tuesday am babysitting my other grandson, who is 6, as it's school holidays and his mammy is at uni
Feeling good. I will enjoy every moment I feel good, just as I will endure every moment I don't. And I won't drink through either.
Going to have a look at what Kevin O'Hara has to say on you tube, go in the bath and listen to some proper music (This is ska!!). I recorded school of rock to watch, Jack Black, what a legend, have some supper and bed
Day 11 done
Flat clean (again)
Bills arrears arrangements made.
Sleep good again.
Appetite back.
Resolve still good.
Mice gone (no bodies found, must have gone somewhere else to expire)
Feeling goodish physically (mostly)
Head clearing
Can actually bear to listen to music again.
I am babysitting the littles (thanks, rose) at their house tomorrow night as mammy and daddy are going out for a valentines meal.
Tuesday am babysitting my other grandson, who is 6, as it's school holidays and his mammy is at uni
Feeling good. I will enjoy every moment I feel good, just as I will endure every moment I don't. And I won't drink through either.Going to have a look at what Kevin O'Hara has to say on you tube, go in the bath and listen to some proper music (This is ska!!). I recorded school of rock to watch, Jack Black, what a legend, have some supper and bed
Day 11 done
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Kevin O'Hara motivates me like no one else, just been to watch another of his videos.
Came back here to put this down, this morning the littles were playing ninja warrior, and the older one was doing the countdown (well it was a count up actually). He got to 72 and stopped and said "nan, granda was 72 wasn't he?" I said yes. He said "He is no number age now, cos in heaven, you are no number and he will not be poorly anymore and he will be able to dance again" (even 8 months ago he would act daft and dance with the boys) Ahh...what a lovely thought.
Came back here to put this down, this morning the littles were playing ninja warrior, and the older one was doing the countdown (well it was a count up actually). He got to 72 and stopped and said "nan, granda was 72 wasn't he?" I said yes. He said "He is no number age now, cos in heaven, you are no number and he will not be poorly anymore and he will be able to dance again" (even 8 months ago he would act daft and dance with the boys) Ahh...what a lovely thought.
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*Note to MP...if there is an odd smell in a week or so it might be a dead mouse under the floor boards. I've had a dead poisoned rat under the floorboards at my old house. Odd smell for a while then Hey Presto! Went to get a coat from the lobby one day and it was like day of the flies in there! Had to hoover them up alive there was SO many.
Had to hoover them up alive there was SO many.
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Flippen heck, was so tired this afternoon that after I went for lunch at my sons, I came home and fell asleep for an hour. Now I am wide awake. Mucked all my sleep pattern up now I have.
I hate being awake in the middle of the night.
I hate being awake in the middle of the night.
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Need to tweak my plan, the one I made in the depths of withdrawal isn't going to work out in the long term.
I am not going to any more AA meetings. For one I have found out it isn't a social club! Two meetings a week are BB study, two are 12x12 meetings and one is As Bill sees it. The couple that are just meeting meetings, I can't really socialize with the people, because although they are totally nice people, their philosophy on drinking, stopping and the way they think is totally different to mine. And they really DO live the program.
But as they say, you can't fit a square peg into a round hole.
It's down to me, not to pick up the drink, and I know I can do that. I like AVRT for that and SR helps a lot with that.
I have to live in my head without running to drink as a crutch though, so for that reason, I have found SMART recovery does a meeting a week here. Also, I have joined the online group, because I find the toolbox and essays and fixed posts there useful.
I find the CBT it is based on, really helps with the thoughts and emotions I struggle with. Infact I think I still have the workbook around somewhere that I tried to do drunk (didn't work , wonder why?).
For people mingling, I think I will try to find a college course or group that does something I am interested in, or could become interested in.
I am not really all that isolated, I just isolated myself. My son lives directly opposite me with his wife and the littles, I just never went there when I had been drinking (for obvious reasons). Which meant a lot of the time.
My two daughters live a fair way away, but they are always asking if I want to visit for the weekend (on the condition I don't drink of course).
I have sisters and the lovely mother.
I made my own liquid prison, my own befuddled mind trap
if those bars were made of whisky bottles, that would be me haha. I wonder if that is why bars you drink in are called bars??
I am not going to any more AA meetings. For one I have found out it isn't a social club! Two meetings a week are BB study, two are 12x12 meetings and one is As Bill sees it. The couple that are just meeting meetings, I can't really socialize with the people, because although they are totally nice people, their philosophy on drinking, stopping and the way they think is totally different to mine. And they really DO live the program.
But as they say, you can't fit a square peg into a round hole.
It's down to me, not to pick up the drink, and I know I can do that. I like AVRT for that and SR helps a lot with that.
I have to live in my head without running to drink as a crutch though, so for that reason, I have found SMART recovery does a meeting a week here. Also, I have joined the online group, because I find the toolbox and essays and fixed posts there useful.
I find the CBT it is based on, really helps with the thoughts and emotions I struggle with. Infact I think I still have the workbook around somewhere that I tried to do drunk (didn't work , wonder why?).
For people mingling, I think I will try to find a college course or group that does something I am interested in, or could become interested in.
I am not really all that isolated, I just isolated myself. My son lives directly opposite me with his wife and the littles, I just never went there when I had been drinking (for obvious reasons). Which meant a lot of the time.
My two daughters live a fair way away, but they are always asking if I want to visit for the weekend (on the condition I don't drink of course).
I have sisters and the lovely mother.
I made my own liquid prison, my own befuddled mind trap
if those bars were made of whisky bottles, that would be me haha. I wonder if that is why bars you drink in are called bars??
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Actually, just looked on the local college site. There are some short courses I am interested in,some are free to people on jobseekers. There is a 10 week one in beginners creative writing. If it's not free, it will be £50, which I'm sure I can manage at a push (considering a bottle of whisky costs £11 and I could keep that up for 5-6 days at a time, it is do-able, even if it is a stretch)
Just emailed them to ask when it's starting.
Goals for this week;
Paint the bloody kitchen! I'm sick of looking at it like it is, and I'm sick of dining chairs and kitchen stuff in my bedroom!
Get back into my sewing and design some cushion covers and make them.
Do some essay reading on SMART online
Keep up with the reading William Porter, as it helps.
Keep watching Kev everyday
Things I have to do, things I cannot let people down in;
Today; Babysitting littles at their house tonight. SMART meeting at 1pm in town.
Tuesday; Babysitting my other little all afternoon (my other sons son) as his mammy at uni and my son at work.
Wednesday; Free Day (watch it!!). Might invite my mother over for dinner.
Thursday; Have the littles all day as mammy is going to Poland on business and daddy at work and school and nursery shut. And driving lesson in the evening, squeezed this extra one in because last one was a disaster last week with my fuzzy head.
Friday; my son is taking the littles down to my daughters for the weekend and asked if I wanted to go to my with them. I will also ask my other son if my other little, but getting bigger, wants to come.
Just emailed them to ask when it's starting.
Goals for this week;
Paint the bloody kitchen! I'm sick of looking at it like it is, and I'm sick of dining chairs and kitchen stuff in my bedroom!
Get back into my sewing and design some cushion covers and make them.
Do some essay reading on SMART online
Keep up with the reading William Porter, as it helps.
Keep watching Kev everyday
Things I have to do, things I cannot let people down in;
Today; Babysitting littles at their house tonight. SMART meeting at 1pm in town.
Tuesday; Babysitting my other little all afternoon (my other sons son) as his mammy at uni and my son at work.
Wednesday; Free Day (watch it!!). Might invite my mother over for dinner.
Thursday; Have the littles all day as mammy is going to Poland on business and daddy at work and school and nursery shut. And driving lesson in the evening, squeezed this extra one in because last one was a disaster last week with my fuzzy head.
Friday; my son is taking the littles down to my daughters for the weekend and asked if I wanted to go to my with them. I will also ask my other son if my other little, but getting bigger, wants to come.
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