mandypandy

Mireille, thank you for your kind post, you have really touched me, almost brought me to tears myself

It's hard to talk about death or grieving in this society, as Kubler-Ross says once it was taken as part of life, something everyone was familiar with as they grew up, older relatives died at home, were laid out by their nearest and dearest, kids were allowed in on it all and allowed to see the grieving of grownups. So it was a natural part of life. Not so now. Everything packaged cleanly and nicely, swept under the carpet. The attitude of grown-ups of not "upsetting" the kids by letting them see them grieving the passing of someone they love. It's has become that if you talk about death and dying most people shy away, as they don't know how to react to death and grieving anymore

I'm really happy you are doing this Yeah, this world is harsh enough without losing your mother too young to something that could have been within her power to prevent. Daughters are like that, get under your skin, little buggers haha
Hope your day is good

mandypandy

Hey I just had a EUREKA moment. Thanks to you Dee and rose and Mireille, my eureka is that what you told me about finally giving up doesn't have to be a eureka moment, a blinding flash of light, a voice from God, a supernatural intervention, a feeling of certainty. Having just had an urge that would have normally had me scampering up to the off licence (hereby known as the offy) . I just realised, giving up will be a small series of on the spot decisions. Feeling an urge that almost feels it can pick me up and take me to the offy by teleporting, I have a decision to make. Act on it or not? I have an "overlord" decision I have already decided on, I won't drink again. But I will still have to uphold it in the face of these on the spot decisions the urges assault me with, ambushes, a decision ambush!!
I don't know if I am making the slightest bit of sense, but urge is fading as soon as I wrote this. Thank God SR is here for moments like this ..And ghostly moments in the dead of night haha

mandypandy

Another one, another urge, not as strong as the first but seem to be coming fast after each other. I'll count it as an after-urge, urge, like the afterschocks in an earthquake.
I need Kevin O'Hara, and to rock in my chair a bit. If that doesn't work...bath here I come! Infact I'll take my tablet in the bath and watch Kev on you tube. Drastic times call for drastic measures!

Lindajean68

Hi Mandy! I've just read through your mini-blog here. You are doing a great job, and the writing really seems to be helping you! You are very brave with your honesty.

FYI - I've been sober for almost 18 months. I am using AA...but good for you for finding various methods that are helping you!

I can really relate to a lot of what you have shared about losing your dad. I lost mine 3 years ago. He had hospice at the end. I had the honor of being with him when he died. Life changing. The whole thing.

I just listened to a Ted talk related to your quote above....it was REALLY good. If I can find it...I'll let you know who it was!

Keep going! Love and light.

Lindajean68

The TED talk is called "Talk about your death while you're still healthy" - the speaker is Michelle Knox.

mandypandy

Thank you LJ. I'm sorry for the loss of your dad too. You are right, now the trauma is fading I consider it an honour to have been there in his passing and to have try to help him not be so scared and more comfortable in the weeks before. Hospice care is outstanding and one of the most important fields in medicine. But is treated like some sort of poor relation in the general field of medicine in the NHS here. Ours is meant to be NHS funded, but is mainly kept afloat by charity raising ,In my area there is ONE impatient hospice, to serve an area of over 1 million people, it has 14 places. My dad was there, wanted to have hospice care at home, but day before they were to move him from the hospital, he went downhill fast and went to inpatient instead, he was very very lucky to see his last days out there and not in that nasty, bleak hospital room, begging for painkillers, with the terminal agitation and nurses who had little knowledge of the dying process, saying they couldn't give anything a doctor hadn't signed for or adjust the dose, or give as and when needed.

Hospice deals with all of the aspects we would rather brush away, and those people who work in hospice, doctors and nurses, are some kind of special in my eyes. As soon as I get myself together, I am going to raise as much as I can for that place. My dad, already raised a couple of hundred pounds, as we asked for donations not flowers at his funeral..good on him!!

You are right, life changing.


I LOVE those TED talks, will certainly take a look in a bit. Thank you very much for posting

For now, my bath is run, and Kev calls (I wish haha)

mandypandy

??

mandypandy

PS in the post above where I said in the hospital "begging for painkillers"..that was us, not him. He was so stoic he would make me want to head butt the wall preferring to suffer than to "bother" the nurses. Even when I did "bother" them, they took their time and were very careless. Could wait an hour for them to come and change a morphine drip that was bleeping because it had ran out. Some things were their fault and carelessness, some things not as they were severely understaffed and overworked (thank you government for taking care of NHS with all of our NI payments robbed off us over the years).

I'm glad that he ended his days, in a lovely room, equipped with a sofa bed (so people could stay overnight), recliner, fridge, big flat screen TV on the wall, cable, en suite bathroom, as many visitors as he wanted at a time and open visiting, any time day or night, a beautiful view out of his window of a lake with ducks, geese and moor hens (unfortunely..he was too ill to appreciate it, but the family did, instead of staring at bleak walls for hours).
The doctors wrote open prescriptions for any medications that could be needed and the nurses had it at their discretion to administer them, when needed. Even to the point that they could recognise whether someone who was unconscious was in pain or not by a furrowed brow!

Kids could visit, pets could visit. Every patient had 2 nurses each, and the nurses had 3 patients, and a doctor called twice a day to see if everything was going ok with medication. AND......14 bloody places

mandypandy

I don't know what I did there, double post came up...

mandypandy

Crisis passed , urges gone. That was intense ..man...intense. Off to the school in a bit to pick up the little troglodytes (they go mad when I call them that). Then off to see the lovely mother with them.

mandypandy

Winding down day 9. Going to get into pyjamas get my hot water bottle (it's freeezing here, stings your face outside) and watch my soaps. Just been chastising myself for wasting a lot of my day on here, and on the greater internet. But come on, it has kept me from drinking, if I had drunk, would have been the waste of at least another few days (cos when I start it's day and night) and then more days recovering from it.
As it's been more than a week since I made my plan to see me through the week (met them all)
I have a couple more targets for the next week. One, I'm going to paint the kitchen, landlady dropped the paint off ages ago, but haven't got around to it. The kitchen is upside down as I moved everything to start decorating, and there everything has sat since, not good to look at. Especially as I have kitchen chairs and what not in my bedroom!
Two, I am going to drag out my sewing machine and make a few novelty cushion covers and take them down the hospice for them to sell in their gift shop.
Those are my aims for end of next week.
The idea of video-ing yourself in withdrawals really paid off today, watched that back and it took me right back to how I felt then

Trohyn

Hey Mandy, you wolf!
Make me smile and tell me its significance.

mandypandy

A wolf? That's an alsatian! Isn't it?
I can't think of anything funny to say...too much pressure ...what about that wee man there? He always makes me smile haha

Oh edit; I have a genuine follower on my blog (still only written the introduction) not just my son. This bloke is doctor/researcher and I'm too intimidated to write anything incase he thinks Im thick or something

Trohyn

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Alsatian is an anti German concept. My faithful, loyal, listen to all my problems, look into my soul and tell me FFS Dad you're an awful twit GERMAN SHEPHERD will have to be shielded from such nonsense.

mandypandy

2ndhandrose

mandy, I am so glad you showed your cravings who is in charge now

Your plans for the upcoming week sound great! Painting AND sewing!!! You go, girl!

I have my best friend coming from out of province for a week so I will spend the weekend making my little condo company worthy. Although, she won't care one way or the other, but I just like it to start clean, then whatever.

Talking about cold, it was -30 C when I came to work today! I figure that earns me some bragging rights

You sound really great, congrats on 9 days!!!!!!!!!!!!

2ndhandrose

This here is so lovely, mandy

I keep a Happy Jar, I write my happy little bits on a stickie and fold it up and put it in my jar. Then every so often I take a handful out and remember what made me happy.

This is going in my Happy Jar

soberista

Hi there. Slowly reading your post on my phone which is not easy! When my wonderful dad died my lovely son sent me this....it was a post on Reddit....

Alright, here goes. I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not. I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

Xx

Dee74

I'm glad you got though that mandy - hope your weekend is good.

D

mandypandy

Thank you Dee, hope you have a good one too. I'm glad I got thorough that too. That's the first time ever, in my life, I have resisted urges that strong..and I didn't die, who'd have known, they don't kill you! haha