mandypandy

Thanks Tatsy, I'll take a look into that tomorrow before I leave for my daughters. Sounds interesting. I like William Porters stuff, I thought I knew everything about alcohol but that man opened my eyes to the facts of it in his book. Jeez, if that book was out years ago, I could have saved myself a lot of grief.

I do feel stronger Tatsy, that's cos I got rid of the poison that was weakening me! I have just been through the worst. most traumatic time of my life, and while it was happening, I didn't want or need alcohol at all. And I was strong through it. As soon as I touched that muck again, bumpf, straight on my knees.

Thank you again for the info, take care

mandypandy

Still up. Into day 16. I won't count forever, just while it amuses me.
Looking forward to trip to see daughter.
Still taken aback when a strong wave of grief hits, but no other way out of this stage but to go through it, I know that.
Still, I have mad moments when I feel "Right, this has gone on long enough dad, come on back now"...
Think I am still getting my head around the fact he is gone FOREVER.
Suppose that will come in time.

mandypandy

whohoo..only a few hours and we will be on our way. At least with DIL still away, I won't have to sit in the back between the hyper-in-my-car-seat littles.

Bit of an emergency going on, can't find my MP3 player for the journey
Funny, when I first come off the drink I can't listen to music, it scrambles my head.
That's passed now and I NEED that MP3

A thought struck me this morning. When I talk about I gave up drinking for x amount of time in the past or y amount of time another time.
It didn't matter if I didn't drink those times, I was still stuck in the addictive cycle.
That is my cycle of addiction. Drink drink drink, stop for a few days and back to the drink again. The whole thing, the drinking, then the "relapse"
This is why I am telling myself this time, I have stopped forever.
No wriggle room.
If I tell myself I am only stopping for x amount of time, in my mind, nothing has changed, I am still in my cycle of addiction, just the part of the cycle that involves not drinking.

Back to my trip, I still need to pack (who says I leave everything until the last minute?). I will still be sitting on my sons doorstep with my little bag a couple of hours before time haha..if I can find my MP3 player that is. I last had it drunk, it could be anywhere.
The scenery is stunning on the way to my daughters. Her husband has promised to cook one of his specials when he comes from work (we won't get there until after 5). He is an excellent cook. Has all the equipment, including pinny (sorry man apron) chefs hat and every utensil that has ever been invented. I tend to just use a fork and a spoon when I am cooking to poke, turn and stir things with. Don't see the need for anything else!

While I'm away, I hope the mice don't play. No more poison eaten over the last couple of days. Lets hope if any are lurking, they will be frozen out with lack of heating over the next few days

mandypandy

Oh yes, I am going to attempt to give up smoking again this weekend. People were right, it was too much for me to give up the drink and the smokes together (I hate it when "people" are right and I am wrong). Infact I have been practically chain-smoking. I want rid of it now.

This is the perfect time. As my son, daughter and SIL are all non smokers. And as far as I know, so are the littles.

I say attempt, that's a defeatist attitude, right there, to start with haha

I haven't told anyone I have kicked the drink to the curb. I stuck by their rules and never visited, called ,texted or messaged them drunk, so they won't have noticed. I am not planning on telling them either. I'm just going to get on with it.

mandypandy

Then again, my son must have noticed, as I have been sober to babysit a lot this last week or so. But he hasn't said anything. So neither will I. Just let things develop naturally.
I am as sick of promising I am finally finished with the drink, as they are of hearing it.
As they say, seeing is believing so ...

soberista

That line "still taken aback when a strong wave of grief hits" is most definitely a homeopathic ignatia symptom.

Acute Grief – Ignatia is the first remedy to consider in the case of emotional shock, whether it be the loss of a loved one, the breakup of a friendship or romantic relationship, the loss of a job or any sort of disappointment or trauma. The person needing Ignatia may fluctuate between sobbing hysterically, to bottling it in and involuntarily sighing. The purpose of the remedy is to support the grieving process, allowing the person to better cope with their situation.

When you feel that wave hit you - thats when you take a remedy. You will be able to buy them in a Holland and Barret or health food shop if you are interested in taking them. All the best. Xx

mandypandy

Thanks soberista I'll look into it, although I usually tend on the side of let nature take it's course in things, and grief is a healing process that has to be lived through and felt through.
But, this has totally intrigued me!! I will defintely have a google of this .
Although, might I add, I don't sob hysterically haha, I just cry because I'm sad. Sad for the pain he went through, sad I won't see him again and sad because I miss him.

soberista

Smoking has many similarities to alcohol. Cravings - jeez the cravings for a fag - well I can honestly say i found smoking a hard beast to kill. I never thought I would kill that beast however now, 5 years as a non smoker, i dont even think about fags. At all. Ever. My tip to you would be to get a Nicorette spray. Its a quickmist of nicotine and I have to say that was the one thing that helped me quit the habit. Carried it round and had a spray if the craving got ridiculous in the early days. Then one day cleared my bag out and found it...realized I hadn't used it for ages! Got odd cravings for about a year or two after but very few and far between and now never. I still have a slight cough in the morning but that is getting less and less as the years roll on. I wish you every success with this as it is great to be a non smoker!. (I did read research at the time regarding all these hand to mouth gestures - smoking, drinking, eating and there were links to nurturing and missing early development nurturing. In hunter gatherer tribes the kids would be kept with the parents, in their cave kept close, and breast fed. In modern times kids are quickly separated into a cot in their own rooms and bottle fed which scientists said had links to babies (and then into adulthood) self nurturing hence the hand to mouth link sucking thumbs then onto food, fags and booze filling the void that is felt.)
(((Massive use of brackets there)))

mandypandy

I really really want to pack the fags up, they are expensive and filthy and pointless. It's very encouraging that you have! 5 years! fantastic!
I was thinking about going to the doctors smoking clinic, someone I knew went there and got patches and that spray for free, and it worked.
I have tried those whatyoumecallits, vapour things, but picked a melon flavoured oil to put in , knocked myself sick with the taste and binned it. Thats my story of why I went back to smoking anyway, and I'm sticking to it haha

Interesting what you say about the early nurturing ..I had my dummy till I was past toddler stage
I am so jealous you are a non smoker, thanks for telling me all that soberista

I have to shove off now, you have a good one

mandypandy

I am back, shortest visit in the history of the world

Turns out youngest grandson is "lergic" (his expression) to dogs!

He has never been around dogs before, so no one knew he had this allergy. We stuck it out for a while, but when he started wheezing and gasping, it was time to come home.

I think we have been in the car longer than the actual visit! Never mind, it was good seeing my daughter even for a little while.

Went for a meal teatime in the local pub, honestly, wasn't bothered by drinkers at all. I just don't want it anymore.
Long may it last.

mandypandy

I have had exactly zero urges to drink since a week gone Friday. All has been quiet on the western front.
I was finding it a bit unnerving, like when the littles are in another room, and it's TOO quiet.
I am using AVRT to stop drinking, as I said before. I suddenly remembered, you ignore the Beast, totally, do not engage..at all. Even when It is quiet. So not even going to think WHY things are quiet anymore, just going to enjoy.

SMART tools are helping immensely with the thoughts and feelings that used to drive me half out of my mind when I have stopped the drink for short periods before. I feel I am gaining more control over these, so I do not feel the need to silence them by getting so drunk I cannot think.

Another thing that has happened, and it's a strange one, is that for years there has seemed to have been some sort of block in my mind, where I couldn't see the full picture of my drinking.
When I wanted a drink, I could only see what I thought were the merits of having a drink. When I was going through withdrawals, I could only see the "evilness" of drink

Now I can see clearly both. What I used drink for (apart from the initial euphoria, it was to silence my head and drink away withdrawals?!)
And what it did to me in the aftermath

I can do for myself, the things I used it to do for me. Yes, it takes longer, yes it takes effort, but the rewards are great and are more lasting than the illusion drink spins as reward.

It's as if a brick wall has been demolished in my mind and I can see the full landscape of things.

mandypandy

Oh no, son just rang. Youngest grandson been wheezing and struggling all night with his chest. He rang 111 and they told him to get him to A&E. Just as a precaution.
Hospital only up the road, going up there now to give my son a bit of support, because I am not drinking, I am not crippled with withdrawals and I CAN

Dee74

Hope all is well MP,

D

mandypandy

Yes thank you Dee, all is well now. He was given an inhaler, had to have a few puffs of it at the hospital and kept there a few hours to make sure it was working but is ok now.

He has all sorts of immune system problems and allergies. He was born at 26 weeks, his twin was just too small to survive, but he has proved to be a real battler.
He's 3 but a tiny, tiny boy still. What he lacks in size, he makes up for in noise. And he is full volume again..thank goodness

mandypandy

That's me finished for the day, on this day 18 (I can't help but notice the days! 1st Feb was my day1).

Going in the bath ,ah, my trusty tub has been a life saver. Then, bed with hot water bottle and my tablet to watch all the mindless TV programmes I like to watch in my own nest

Just been over to check again tiny little is ok. DIL just got back from her Polish trip. He is showing her how his inhaler works, and she is wracked with guilt about not being there when he was at the hospital.
Ah guilt, the very foundation of motherhood

mandypandy

Have been pondering why this time round with giving up drinking is different.

I think it's because, with everything that has happened the last couple of months, I realise everything in life is transient.
Nothing is "ours" and we know nothing.
There are theories about EVERYTHING. But mostly they are just that, theories.

Feelings are transient, thoughts are transient, situations are, people we know and love are, ourselves too.

Even "us" our personality, is not fixed, we are constantly changing.

Holding on to things, feelings, thoughts, people, situations when it's time to let things move on as they naturally do causes a stagnation, which causes illness, is my theory.
Like if you block a free flowing stream, running to a river, it pools and stagnates, becoming more and more polluted.

The last thing I said to my dad, was to let go and move on. Even though it was the last thing I wanted, to lose him.
But it was time for him to let go, there was nothing left for him in this life, except pain and helplessness.

Maybe some of my words, sunk into myself, unconsciously ,regarding my life and drinking?

mandypandy

Jimminy Cricket, I am feeling very rough today,
I have caught some sort of plague from the littles, the older one is not well either.
He was sneezing and dripping all over me in the car on Saturday. Plus I asked him for one of his crisps and it was flavourless and soggy, but he denied sucking it before he gave it to me! Hmm

He's happy enough off school staying with his mother at home today though
The tiny little couldn't wait to get to nursery to show off his inhaler haha

I do not know how I coped with feeling worse than this all the time when I was drinking.

2ndhandrose

"He was sneezing and dripping all over me in the car on Saturday. Plus I asked him for one of his crisps and it was flavourless and soggy, but he denied sucking it before he gave it to me! Hmm"

^^^^^^^^^^^^ I am in tears over this one

Just sneaking in for a quick hello, while my kindred is getting ready for the day
I told myself I would take an SR break while she was here, lol!

Aaaaah, the littles and their germs, seems to be part and parcel of the pleasure of their company.

I am glad the tiny little is okay after the health scare

And, I hope you get better quickly, mandy!

mandypandy

Thanks rose , have a great day with your kindred

mandypandy

Well, that has got to have been the most boring day ever.
Tomorrow is one of my aunts birthday. A few of us are having lunch with her. She is 59, but I got her a card saying "happy 60th" just to start to prepare her for next year.
I should have done more stuff today, boredom is a killer. But I just don't feel well enough to be prancing about up and down ladders. I ache enough already with whatever it is that is ailing me.
I'm planning to go back to veganism, cos at the moment I think if I gave my body a vitamin, it wouldn't know what to do with it, would just say "what the helll is that!"