Plod
..as in PC ? Yes that crossed my mind too after I did it, but it was too late to change it! Yep, a Brit
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Originally Posted by mandypandy 
Well done Caralara, glad to know you are feeling good 
Although 40 days seems like a lifetime away to me. Thanks for the support
Although 40 days seems like a lifetime away to me. Thanks for the support Always here for you
Caralara ❤️
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Originally Posted by Komplex
Congrats on making it to day 4.
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Starting day 5
Went to AA last night. Were nearly a whole new crowd again to the two nights before that. But there were 4 people there from the previous nights. So it was nice to walk in and know that even after this short time I can walk in and recognize a few people and have them recognize me too and informally introduce me to others.
Had trouble getting to sleep. Feeling of guilt over some things that happened while my dad was alive tormented me for a couple of hours. But have been reading a Kubler Ross book on grief, so know this is normal after someone dies. So I just let the feelings come. I should feel guilty, I did wrong by him over that particular stuff I was remembering. But I am trying to practice to live in the now, I know I can't go back and change what happened. It doesn't help him me mulling on it and it harms me. So I just said sorry to my dad in my head and I really do feel sorry about what happened. I hope he is out there somewhere and knows Im sorry.
When I did get to sleep, I slept from 1am until 9am, the longest I have slept (naturally, not just passed out with drink) since he went in hospital in November last year.
So starting the day with 2 positives
Went to AA last night. Were nearly a whole new crowd again to the two nights before that. But there were 4 people there from the previous nights. So it was nice to walk in and know that even after this short time I can walk in and recognize a few people and have them recognize me too and informally introduce me to others.
Had trouble getting to sleep. Feeling of guilt over some things that happened while my dad was alive tormented me for a couple of hours. But have been reading a Kubler Ross book on grief, so know this is normal after someone dies. So I just let the feelings come. I should feel guilty, I did wrong by him over that particular stuff I was remembering. But I am trying to practice to live in the now, I know I can't go back and change what happened. It doesn't help him me mulling on it and it harms me. So I just said sorry to my dad in my head and I really do feel sorry about what happened. I hope he is out there somewhere and knows Im sorry.
When I did get to sleep, I slept from 1am until 9am, the longest I have slept (naturally, not just passed out with drink) since he went in hospital in November last year.
So starting the day with 2 positives
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Still up and down a lot. Wanted to come back on here and write the stuff in my head down, because its all mangled.
With starting to drink manically again after my dad died, after a nearly 6 week break while he was in hospital and the hospice (apart from boxing day, the one time I drank). I have really mangled myself. Now, the grief and the emotion brought on by stopping drinking are getting mixed.
Self pity is abhorrent to me, mainly because it reminds me of what I'm like in drink.
Everything I read on giving up drinking, says try to maintain a positive attitude.
So I can't tell when I'm wallowing or when I'm grieving.
I wanted to put this I just read down by Kubler-Ross. To remind myself why it's not good just to brush off or push down emotion, in the name of "stop wallowing"
The Gift of Grief
Grief is the intense emotional response to the pain of a loss. It is the reflection of a connection that has been broken. Most important, grief is an emotional, spiritual and psychological journey to healing.
There is wonder in the power of grief. We don't appreciate it's healing powers, yet they are extraordinary and wonderous. It is just as amazing as the physical healing that occurs after a car accident or surgery. Grief transforms the broken, wounded soul, a soul that no longer wants to get up in the morning, a soul that can find no reason for living, a soul that has suffered an unbelievable loss.
Grief alone has the power to heal
Think of a time someone close to you experienced an important loss. Then think of him a year later. If he grieved, a miraculous shift may have occurred. If healing did not take place, it is most likely because he did not allow himself to grieve.
Grief always works
Grief always heals.
Many problems in our lives stem from from grief unresolved and unhealed.
BUT hard to know the difference, with having just stopped drinking, what is genuine grief and what is wallowing
With starting to drink manically again after my dad died, after a nearly 6 week break while he was in hospital and the hospice (apart from boxing day, the one time I drank). I have really mangled myself. Now, the grief and the emotion brought on by stopping drinking are getting mixed.
Self pity is abhorrent to me, mainly because it reminds me of what I'm like in drink.
Everything I read on giving up drinking, says try to maintain a positive attitude.
So I can't tell when I'm wallowing or when I'm grieving.
I wanted to put this I just read down by Kubler-Ross. To remind myself why it's not good just to brush off or push down emotion, in the name of "stop wallowing"
The Gift of Grief
Grief is the intense emotional response to the pain of a loss. It is the reflection of a connection that has been broken. Most important, grief is an emotional, spiritual and psychological journey to healing.
There is wonder in the power of grief. We don't appreciate it's healing powers, yet they are extraordinary and wonderous. It is just as amazing as the physical healing that occurs after a car accident or surgery. Grief transforms the broken, wounded soul, a soul that no longer wants to get up in the morning, a soul that can find no reason for living, a soul that has suffered an unbelievable loss.
Grief alone has the power to heal
Think of a time someone close to you experienced an important loss. Then think of him a year later. If he grieved, a miraculous shift may have occurred. If healing did not take place, it is most likely because he did not allow himself to grieve.
Grief always works
Grief always heals.
Many problems in our lives stem from from grief unresolved and unhealed.
BUT hard to know the difference, with having just stopped drinking, what is genuine grief and what is wallowing
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Did I not say at the begining of this thread I was just going to plod on? Yes I did. Up and down up and down. I swear Im going mental.
Im off to go in the bath. The only thing that soothes me sometimes. I'll be turning amphibian at this rate.
Im off to go in the bath. The only thing that soothes me sometimes. I'll be turning amphibian at this rate.
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Thanks Arpeggioh, it helps a lot getting some of the stuff out of my head and into writing. It's also helping that I wrote down goals for each day. Hope you are good
Love the keyboard avatar, hypnotizes me
Love the keyboard avatar, hypnotizes me
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Reached all of my goals for the day (still have AA meeting to go to tonight though). It's quite hard walking there because it is in a boardroom at the same hospital my dad was in over Christmas, before he was transferred to hospice. He was on open visiting in hospital, so I was there all the time and sometimes it's been a bit overwhelming walking back over there, although all the Christmas lights and trees are taken down now, which makes it a little easier.
At the hospice they gave us this family booklet, and in it they said caring for, (which my mother and I did, apart from the medical stuff, obviously)and being there when a loved one died would change you profoundly, I certainly hope it has, in a good way
At the hospice they gave us this family booklet, and in it they said caring for, (which my mother and I did, apart from the medical stuff, obviously)and being there when a loved one died would change you profoundly, I certainly hope it has, in a good way
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I have added a new activity to my daily list As I find writing therapeutic, tonight my son helped me set up my own blog. I am now a part of the official blogger community haha
Although, I will still come on this site once a day, it means I can write to my hearts content on my very own blog, ten epic novels a day if the fancy takes me.
AA meeting went ok. People nice but this one wasn't quite my cup of tea. Still going to go again though.
Kevin O'Hara video very informative today, and finding William Porter "Alcohol Explained" much more illuminating now I'm reading it undrunk.
Feeling much better physically. Kitchen looking a lot cleaner, haven't found any dead poisoned mice yet
As I find writing therapeutic, tonight my son helped me set up my own blog. I am now a part of the official blogger community hahaAlthough, I will still come on this site once a day, it means I can write to my hearts content on my very own blog, ten epic novels a day if the fancy takes me.
AA meeting went ok. People nice but this one wasn't quite my cup of tea. Still going to go again though.
Kevin O'Hara video very informative today, and finding William Porter "Alcohol Explained" much more illuminating now I'm reading it undrunk.
Feeling much better physically. Kitchen looking a lot cleaner, haven't found any dead poisoned mice yet
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God, spoke too soon about having a good nights sleep. Just had the most spookiest, realest nightmare ever. 
Have had to get up and come on here to calm down.
I was lying in bed asleep, someone quietly snoring next to me woke me. And it was just like I was awake, the room,the bed everything was like real. I felt, and I mean felt, someone lying next to me, softly snoring. I could see someones face on the pillow next to me and they had their arms around me. I started to freak , I asked who it was, but they kept on quietly snoring. I was leaning on their chest with one of my arms, and I could FEEL I was propping myself on their chest, trying to see who it was, could feel their chest, I went to touch their face, to try to know who it was. As I felt their face they put their hand on my forearm..I FEEL their hand sliding down my forearm as I felt their face, I knew that hand movement! I could see the outline of their face better in the dark cos my eyes were getting used to the dark, I knew that face, feeling it confirmed it. It was Sam, my ex boyfriend. I really panicked then, thought no, cant be. Felt round the back of his neck, sure enough, could feel and I mean feel, his long ponytail. Fruck me really freaked then. Sam's been dead for years. Died after we split up, always said I was the love of his life, but he was an alcoholic and I was normal drinker then, he died in his 30s. I leaned over him to put the bedside light on, but when I flicked the switch it wouldn't come on. Then I started screaming, and he was saying don't, don't and rubbing my forearm, could FEEL it on my arm, it even sounded like him! Woke myself up screaming..Jeez, that has spooked me, realist nightmare ever..really really freaked me out it has. Will have to calm down before I go back to bed (with the light on). It's 4am, might wait till daylight to go back infact!
Have had to get up and come on here to calm down.
I was lying in bed asleep, someone quietly snoring next to me woke me. And it was just like I was awake, the room,the bed everything was like real. I felt, and I mean felt, someone lying next to me, softly snoring. I could see someones face on the pillow next to me and they had their arms around me. I started to freak , I asked who it was, but they kept on quietly snoring. I was leaning on their chest with one of my arms, and I could FEEL I was propping myself on their chest, trying to see who it was, could feel their chest, I went to touch their face, to try to know who it was. As I felt their face they put their hand on my forearm..I FEEL their hand sliding down my forearm as I felt their face, I knew that hand movement! I could see the outline of their face better in the dark cos my eyes were getting used to the dark, I knew that face, feeling it confirmed it. It was Sam, my ex boyfriend. I really panicked then, thought no, cant be. Felt round the back of his neck, sure enough, could feel and I mean feel, his long ponytail. Fruck me really freaked then. Sam's been dead for years. Died after we split up, always said I was the love of his life, but he was an alcoholic and I was normal drinker then, he died in his 30s. I leaned over him to put the bedside light on, but when I flicked the switch it wouldn't come on. Then I started screaming, and he was saying don't, don't and rubbing my forearm, could FEEL it on my arm, it even sounded like him! Woke myself up screaming..Jeez, that has spooked me, realist nightmare ever..really really freaked me out it has. Will have to calm down before I go back to bed (with the light on). It's 4am, might wait till daylight to go back infact!
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That was truly terrifying Mandy!! Hope you'll be able to rest once the sun comes up a bit.
My anxiety producing dreams years ago always involved alcohol . Maybe yours has too,.... with Sam being there .
That was truly terrifying Mandy!! Hope you'll be able to rest once the sun comes up a bit.
My anxiety producing dreams years ago always involved alcohol . Maybe yours has too,.... with Sam being there .
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