Plod
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Could be topspin, didn't think of it like that. Haven't thought of him for a long time and his death was down to alcohol. It was just so bloody real, as real as I'm sitting here typing, could feel him, same mannerisms, same voice, same bloody snore! Could be combination of the giving up alcohol and my grief for my dad, I wouldn't allow myself to grieve for Sam , I never loved any boyfriend/husband before or since as much as I loved him. But I was so mad at him for continuing to drink when he knew where it was heading, I just shut the feelings down. Infact, with not having a problem with drink myself then, it started after he died, I was just angry because I thought he was lying when he said we were soulmates because he couldn't have loved me that much or he would have saved himself. Know better now, that will to save yourself is not enough, needs action. After I left him, he stopped even trying.
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Hi Mandy,
Here is a great link about recovery plans. It will give you some ideas for plodding.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)
Here is a great link about recovery plans. It will give you some ideas for plodding.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)
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Calm now, watched a bit of Kevin O'Hara on you tube, I think I am turning into a bit of a Kevin O'Hara fanatic haha. He's an Irish ex-pat who lives in Spain. He does his stop drinking videos with a camera attached to his waist while he is walking in the hills or on the beach and I like the scenery as well as his talks.
I shouldn't have been reading that Kubler-Ross book on grief before I went to sleep. I was reading a bit on unresolved grief being brought up again by the next loss. And unworked through grief causes untold problems. Still didn't think of Sam though. Didn't think I did grieve him though, still mad all these years later when I think of him, although like I said haven't thought of him for years. Did forget his gentle manner though, which was brought back in that nightmare, he didn't do anything scary, except be dead!
But then again, the emotions to do with the drink and the grief for my dad have been tangled in my head all day. My dad had a drink problem too years ago. Ill health made him stop it.
Im cooking breakfast now, not bother going back to bed. Have a bit of a full day ahead don't want to be lying in bed for half of it.
I shouldn't have been reading that Kubler-Ross book on grief before I went to sleep. I was reading a bit on unresolved grief being brought up again by the next loss. And unworked through grief causes untold problems. Still didn't think of Sam though. Didn't think I did grieve him though, still mad all these years later when I think of him, although like I said haven't thought of him for years. Did forget his gentle manner though, which was brought back in that nightmare, he didn't do anything scary, except be dead!
But then again, the emotions to do with the drink and the grief for my dad have been tangled in my head all day. My dad had a drink problem too years ago. Ill health made him stop it.
Im cooking breakfast now, not bother going back to bed. Have a bit of a full day ahead don't want to be lying in bed for half of it.
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Yikes, mandy! That does sound very disconcerting 
I haven't had one for a long time, but I have experienced dreams that took me time to recover from the reality of them.
Yay, for day 6 ♥
Withdrawn and tired is okay, too.
I haven't had one for a long time, but I have experienced dreams that took me time to recover from the reality of them.
Yay, for day 6 ♥
Withdrawn and tired is okay, too.
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AND ..wide awake, when it's bed time, after walking around like a half dead fish all day.
Trohyn, I don't think you can post links for private blogs on here. Anyway, people might follow me there to heckle from the peanut gallery
haha
rose, disconcerting wasn't in it!! I have that sleep paralysis thing, where you think you are awake, but can't move and demons are attacking you, and it's all very real, but am used to them been having that crip since I was a kid. And that usually only happens when I am falling asleep.
This was different, I could move, I could touch him, I could feel him, he talked to me and tried to calm me down when I started screaming. Even his voice, the way he touched my arm, were exactly the same as when he was alive.
I'm thinking it wasn't a dream, but a visitation.
Actually that happened in real life once. We had split up and he still had my key (which I forgot). He got drunk one night, forgot he didn't live at my house anymore (it was a couple of days after breakup). I had been out with my friends and had a drink myself (but it wasn't a problem back then). I got back from my night out, got into bed, went to sleep
I woke up in the morning and he was in bed next to me, totally oblivious !! We both nearly cripped ourselves. I must admit I saw the funny side when I saw his face when he realized where he was.
I must admit too, I have been moaning to anyone who will listen, that since I split up with my husband I hate living alone, especially sleeping alone. I moan about this a lot, I won't moan about it anymore haha take care rose
Trohyn, I don't think you can post links for private blogs on here. Anyway, people might follow me there to heckle from the peanut gallery
haharose, disconcerting wasn't in it!! I have that sleep paralysis thing, where you think you are awake, but can't move and demons are attacking you, and it's all very real, but am used to them been having that crip since I was a kid. And that usually only happens when I am falling asleep.
This was different, I could move, I could touch him, I could feel him, he talked to me and tried to calm me down when I started screaming. Even his voice, the way he touched my arm, were exactly the same as when he was alive.
I'm thinking it wasn't a dream, but a visitation.
Actually that happened in real life once. We had split up and he still had my key (which I forgot). He got drunk one night, forgot he didn't live at my house anymore (it was a couple of days after breakup). I had been out with my friends and had a drink myself (but it wasn't a problem back then). I got back from my night out, got into bed, went to sleep
I woke up in the morning and he was in bed next to me, totally oblivious !! We both nearly cripped ourselves. I must admit I saw the funny side when I saw his face when he realized where he was.
I must admit too, I have been moaning to anyone who will listen, that since I split up with my husband I hate living alone, especially sleeping alone. I moan about this a lot, I won't moan about it anymore haha take care rose
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Haven't been to AA tonight, because I am only using AA for company. I never set out to engage fully with the program. And some nights there like last night and tonight are step stuff. Last night was a 12x12 meeting, and tonight was a As Bill sees It meeting. Am compiling my own recovery program, the social part of AA being part of it. But am also using parts of Smart, Kevin O'Hara (I love you Kev 
) and other material I have came across.
I already told a couple people at the meetings what I am doing and they said, that's fine, do what it takes for you, which was cool.
Came into a little money today, brough on a craving, I though are you insane? And I'm sure the AV answered, yes, I am. I recognised it is mad, and ignored it. Didn't last long, especially as I went off and read some William Porter, to re-enforce exactly how irrational those thoughts were.
My mother is taking me for lunch tomorrow, and then Thursday, I am cooking for my son and his family. Friday I have been asked to pick my grandchildren up from school.
) and other material I have came across. I already told a couple people at the meetings what I am doing and they said, that's fine, do what it takes for you, which was cool.
Came into a little money today, brough on a craving, I though are you insane? And I'm sure the AV answered, yes, I am. I recognised it is mad, and ignored it. Didn't last long, especially as I went off and read some William Porter, to re-enforce exactly how irrational those thoughts were.
My mother is taking me for lunch tomorrow, and then Thursday, I am cooking for my son and his family. Friday I have been asked to pick my grandchildren up from school.
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Day 7
This time last week (was it only a week ago? Longest week of my life) I was alcohol soaked, after days of drinking a bottle of spirits a time. Didn't want to drink anymore, but scared to stop because I knew what was coming when I did. In the end only 2 choices, keep drinking and drag it on for another week (which has happened in the past) or stop and face the consequences. Consequences there have been. But just think, I could be sitting here today in the same dilemma with even worse consequences to come.
Instead, I am going out for lunch with the lovely mother, at my favourite eatery
I will tell her about my visitation with Sam and she will say, you are going round the twist you are, and all will be as it should be
This time last week (was it only a week ago? Longest week of my life) I was alcohol soaked, after days of drinking a bottle of spirits a time. Didn't want to drink anymore, but scared to stop because I knew what was coming when I did. In the end only 2 choices, keep drinking and drag it on for another week (which has happened in the past) or stop and face the consequences. Consequences there have been. But just think, I could be sitting here today in the same dilemma with even worse consequences to come.
Instead, I am going out for lunch with the lovely mother, at my favourite eatery
I will tell her about my visitation with Sam and she will say, you are going round the twist you are, and all will be as it should be
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I am feeling unnaturally euphoric today (unnatural as in verging on the manic). Yesterday I was feeling very closed into myself. I don't know how I will feel later, so just going to go with this little skip instead of plod while it lasts. In the past I have been I have been fight. fight, fight the drink. Now I feel a more go with the flow of not drinking vibe. I don't care how I feel or what happens next, I'm just going with the flow of it. I'm just going to dance with the pandas 
(yes, I know it's a rabbit, but there were no dancing pandas)
(yes, I know it's a rabbit, but there were no dancing pandas)
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Yep, read all the AVRT stuff, have the new cure book, you could well be right. Feel totally free of the bloody thing. And since Sams "visit" don't feel so bad about my dad either. I know he is out of pain and released into a better state of consciousness. The Beast has had it's last feast.
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I know seeing Sam scared the crip out of me at the time, but since Ive calmed down about it, I remember that I have forgotton what it felt like to have him comfort me when I couldn't comfort myself, and to be surrounded by love. Until the bottle stole him, of course. I also don't care if everyone thinks Ive gone round the twist haha. I feel much, much better and I know the whole drink thing is finished.
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Morning, MP...sure am enjoying this "local" blog of yours, and I thought I'd chime in on a couple of similarities--
The extra money thing: boy, add in some extra time off, and my trigger system goes ballistic! "I could" goes racing through my head out of nowhere; always followed by "Um, no, you can't" but the speed with which the thought enters my brain is pretty stunning! Stupid AV...
I'm avoiding AA meetings for the same reasons you're attending: it would be purely social, just to have evening appointments with sober people. That alone would make it worthwhile, yet I keep thinking I shouldn't, it would be rude or something, like almost disrespectful of their "true" purpose, I guess...I dunno...it's good to hear some reassurance that it would be okay just to show up and coast along. I might have to break through the inertia soon!
Oh, and good job describing your Sam visit; gave me goosebumps, and I totally agree it went a bit beyond a simple nightmare. I'm very sorry he didn't make it out of this awful addiction...peace to you...
The extra money thing: boy, add in some extra time off, and my trigger system goes ballistic! "I could" goes racing through my head out of nowhere; always followed by "Um, no, you can't" but the speed with which the thought enters my brain is pretty stunning! Stupid AV...
I'm avoiding AA meetings for the same reasons you're attending: it would be purely social, just to have evening appointments with sober people. That alone would make it worthwhile, yet I keep thinking I shouldn't, it would be rude or something, like almost disrespectful of their "true" purpose, I guess...I dunno...it's good to hear some reassurance that it would be okay just to show up and coast along. I might have to break through the inertia soon!
Oh, and good job describing your Sam visit; gave me goosebumps, and I totally agree it went a bit beyond a simple nightmare. I'm very sorry he didn't make it out of this awful addiction...peace to you...
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I, too, am really enjoying this thread, mandy
I use kind of a mish mash of recovery methods, mostly SR, my belief in God and my belief in my desire for a sober life. The phrase "I don't drink, no matter what" has become a kind of mantra for me. Reading the threads and stickies at SR have really helped to open my eyes to myself and see myself in a more realistic light. More than years of counseling were able to accomplish! I learned about AA and AVRT and I take what resonates with me and leave the rest.
I hope your euphoria lasts but if it doesn't, that's okay too, 'cause it will be back
I use kind of a mish mash of recovery methods, mostly SR, my belief in God and my belief in my desire for a sober life. The phrase "I don't drink, no matter what" has become a kind of mantra for me. Reading the threads and stickies at SR have really helped to open my eyes to myself and see myself in a more realistic light. More than years of counseling were able to accomplish! I learned about AA and AVRT and I take what resonates with me and leave the rest.
I hope your euphoria lasts but if it doesn't, that's okay too, 'cause it will be back
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Hi Argeggioh, about the AA thing, I had to laught when I told one woman there that I had no intention of "working the program" she said there used to be a little old lady went who had never drank, she went for the company and used to tell new people "you don't have to have a drink problem to come here you know" haha. I'm not hurting anyone being there, I helped with washing the cups and stuff the other night and put my £1 in the pot, and only ate one biscuit haha
I prefer to think, I could drink, I could easily drink, but I don't wantto drink, I don't know why this makes it easier, but it does.
Sam didn't choose to make it, he didn't want to try living as an adult without his comfort blanket of alcohol, soon as life got uncomfortable he started screaming for his blankie. He wasn't a horrible person, quite the opposite, but he did some horrible things in drink. I don't want to be remembered like that. I want my person and my actions to match and not have to have people make excuses for me when I die. Sounds harsh, I know, but drink can turn the gentlest, nicest, most loving soul into a narcissistic ******** intent on destroying themselves and everyone around them.
I don't want to be forever cushioned from the trails and true pleasures of living by drink either, else what is the point of living?
I do think he came to offer comfort though, so maybe he is healed peace to you also Arp
I prefer to think, I could drink, I could easily drink, but I don't wantto drink, I don't know why this makes it easier, but it does.
Sam didn't choose to make it, he didn't want to try living as an adult without his comfort blanket of alcohol, soon as life got uncomfortable he started screaming for his blankie. He wasn't a horrible person, quite the opposite, but he did some horrible things in drink. I don't want to be remembered like that. I want my person and my actions to match and not have to have people make excuses for me when I die. Sounds harsh, I know, but drink can turn the gentlest, nicest, most loving soul into a narcissistic ******** intent on destroying themselves and everyone around them.
I don't want to be forever cushioned from the trails and true pleasures of living by drink either, else what is the point of living?
I do think he came to offer comfort though, so maybe he is healed
peace to you also Arp
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I'm glad you are around rose. Your mish-mash sound like the perfect fit for you. Yes, I think you have to stay realistic and not delude yourself. For years my mantra was, I drink, Im not hurting anyone. But I was.
In drink I am a narcissist ******** intent on destroying myself and everyone around me ha.
I like seeing what you have done for yourself, it's heartening to me
I don't think the euphoria will last at this level, thats ok, contentment will do me haha. But no matter what I'm going to feel and no matter what happens, I am finished fighting to get alcohol to work for me. It's the master, not me. I can choose to be it's slave or not.
take care rose
In drink I am a narcissist ******** intent on destroying myself and everyone around me ha.
I like seeing what you have done for yourself, it's heartening to me
I don't think the euphoria will last at this level, thats ok, contentment will do me haha. But no matter what I'm going to feel and no matter what happens, I am finished fighting to get alcohol to work for me. It's the master, not me. I can choose to be it's slave or not.
take care rose
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Or, as I hadn't thought of Sam in years, maybe he came back to remind me of how I felt when the shoe was on the other foot, when I was the one watching someone I loved drinking themselves to death. Now, I am doing the same to people who love me, and I seemed to have forgotton how that felt.
I'll never know what he came back for, as I wouldn't stop screaming! But, it's made me think very hard about myself and my drinking
I'll never know what he came back for, as I wouldn't stop screaming! But, it's made me think very hard about myself and my drinking
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