I need help
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Missouir
Posts: 109
"continuing"
The next five months were extremely difficult. My wife fighting a deep depression closed herself off from me and my side of the family. She was making it clear she hated me for all the years of my alcoholic drinking. I did not nor could I blame her and I would not try and persuade her to see things differently. It was obvious we felt the strain of the weight of the pending legal case that would ultimately decide our fate. It is important for me to make clear, I so very deeply love my wife that I also hated me for all the years of my alcoholism. The disease of alcoholism and addiction are both side of the coin of treachery. I was keenly aware the foundation of our marriage and of our lives were in peril.
It was without warning I received a call from my Attorney’s assistant. My case was being brought forward and I was to appear in court the following day at 1:00pm. I was stunned unprepared and unable to mention this call to anyone, not in the office or at home. The next day after a sleepless night I dressed in my best suit and when the time came headed to the court house. My attorney was handling more than just my case and rushed from one conference room to another as I remained seated in the hallway. He did slow down long enough to grab my hand and ask how I was and said he would be with me shortly. While seated in the hallway I saw the officer who arrested me. We did not speak and I did not try and make any type on contact with him. It is my position that I was handled by the officer in a professional manner and I have no ill will towards him or the other officers involved.
While I sat in the hallway one of the prosecutors came out of the courtroom and asked around for those who were present regarding my case. Because I knew he was not my representative I sat in my seat motionless. The arresting office raised his hand and acknowledged he was present and the two began to speak. I was able to over-hear the prosecutor say the other witness would not be present because he was involved in another court case in town several miles away. Shortly after that my Attorney grabbed me we went into a conference room to discuss strategy. I knew at this point the case could be dismissed because the state witness was for the second time a no show.
"to be continued"
The next five months were extremely difficult. My wife fighting a deep depression closed herself off from me and my side of the family. She was making it clear she hated me for all the years of my alcoholic drinking. I did not nor could I blame her and I would not try and persuade her to see things differently. It was obvious we felt the strain of the weight of the pending legal case that would ultimately decide our fate. It is important for me to make clear, I so very deeply love my wife that I also hated me for all the years of my alcoholism. The disease of alcoholism and addiction are both side of the coin of treachery. I was keenly aware the foundation of our marriage and of our lives were in peril.
It was without warning I received a call from my Attorney’s assistant. My case was being brought forward and I was to appear in court the following day at 1:00pm. I was stunned unprepared and unable to mention this call to anyone, not in the office or at home. The next day after a sleepless night I dressed in my best suit and when the time came headed to the court house. My attorney was handling more than just my case and rushed from one conference room to another as I remained seated in the hallway. He did slow down long enough to grab my hand and ask how I was and said he would be with me shortly. While seated in the hallway I saw the officer who arrested me. We did not speak and I did not try and make any type on contact with him. It is my position that I was handled by the officer in a professional manner and I have no ill will towards him or the other officers involved.
While I sat in the hallway one of the prosecutors came out of the courtroom and asked around for those who were present regarding my case. Because I knew he was not my representative I sat in my seat motionless. The arresting office raised his hand and acknowledged he was present and the two began to speak. I was able to over-hear the prosecutor say the other witness would not be present because he was involved in another court case in town several miles away. Shortly after that my Attorney grabbed me we went into a conference room to discuss strategy. I knew at this point the case could be dismissed because the state witness was for the second time a no show.
"to be continued"
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Missouir
Posts: 109
" continuing"
My Attorney appeared to be pleased to tell me he was able to negotiate the felony charge down to a misdemeanor equivalent to a first time DWI, no jail, community service and two years unsupervised probation. Here I am standing at the quintessential cross roads. It is a chaotic situation only made worse by the heightened emotions that goes with being in a pressure situation. On one hand I know the case could be dismissed because the no show witness. On the other hand the end of uncertainty and although with complications I will get my life back.
22 months sober my mind clear and my thoughts and emotion are authentically mine. Knowing there is a possibility I could force the issue and make the state prove their case. There was a good chance we could win and I might walk with basically a very large attorney bill. But a thought or voice or feeling was holding me up. It was saying part of recovery is accountability. If I am to fully recover from my years of alcoholism which is a disease and an addiction issue. I would be need to accept responsibility and if not all the can be brought bear at least a portion. I took the offer and agreed to the misdemeanor DWI.
I pray for those who are still suffering. May you find you path to sobriety. I will remain sober today. Sam
My Attorney appeared to be pleased to tell me he was able to negotiate the felony charge down to a misdemeanor equivalent to a first time DWI, no jail, community service and two years unsupervised probation. Here I am standing at the quintessential cross roads. It is a chaotic situation only made worse by the heightened emotions that goes with being in a pressure situation. On one hand I know the case could be dismissed because the no show witness. On the other hand the end of uncertainty and although with complications I will get my life back.
22 months sober my mind clear and my thoughts and emotion are authentically mine. Knowing there is a possibility I could force the issue and make the state prove their case. There was a good chance we could win and I might walk with basically a very large attorney bill. But a thought or voice or feeling was holding me up. It was saying part of recovery is accountability. If I am to fully recover from my years of alcoholism which is a disease and an addiction issue. I would be need to accept responsibility and if not all the can be brought bear at least a portion. I took the offer and agreed to the misdemeanor DWI.
I pray for those who are still suffering. May you find you path to sobriety. I will remain sober today. Sam
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Missouir
Posts: 109
After living 22 months in the land of uncertainty. It appears some mental adjusting is required. I am grateful for this forum and have appreciated the positive interactions. Recovery is real. What I can say for those who are struggling. Do not lose your faith in that that holds you to the center. Your shield against all that would work against you is sobriety. It is the sober mind that is the most adroit. I will remain sober today. Sam
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Thank you so much for taking the time to share all of that Samsheppard. I hope your wife eventually realizes what a good person she is married to. I think you did the right thing pleading to the misdemeanor. A no-brainer. Please keep posting. It really helps the newly sober like me. Living in Day 74.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Missouir
Posts: 109
Sometimes it feels as though I am existing in two different realities. Having been a god awful binge drinker, mucking my way from drunkenness to hang over to sober. Only to repeat the cycle until eventually the legal system had me pinned down to a paint of almost obliteration. To now 22.5 months sober where clarity can be a little bright at times. Here in the transition zone memories of my past are still fresher than I’d like them to be. My part of contrition the loss of my driving privileges for ten years. It is ironic that I know if this happened 30 years ago, I’d have a totally different prospective. For me it took a very harsh punishment to convince me to stop drinking alcohol. Addiction and the disease of alcoholism are a deadly combination. I can only imagine the hundreds of thousands if not millions of people that have succumb to this horrid existence. Moving forward today I cannot imagine a scenario that could induce me to consume what I know is my greatest antagonist. I will remain sober today, Sam
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Missouir
Posts: 109
At the office today not really doing anything other than watching youtube videos and reading twitter. Just a small number of convid19 cases in our area but people are taking the necessary precautions. Looks like I'll miss picking up my two year coin, AA group meetings are suspended until the threat has cleared. No matter I will go to get my coin when meetings resume. I have no desire and shall not even consider consuming alcohol. My thoughts and prayers are with those still struggling fighting to remain sober. The only person who can make the decision to stop drinking is the person in the mirror. I will remain sober today, Sam
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Missouir
Posts: 109
The cost of my alcoholism just keeps adding up. Sober for two years and four days. Today I find out because of my recent misdemeanor DWI conviction me nor my company will be eligible for a SBA loan during this time of crisis . I am persona-non-grata! Damaged goods, black-heart, wicked, menace to society, a person of low morality, a person of low character, a person not in good standing. These are the adjectives a bureaucrat will be thinking of me while reviewing an application I may desire to complete seeking only to better my position. I am a alcoholic not a freaking murderer. Lord give me the strength! The contempt for thy own-self in full regard what a disastrous disgrace I have brought. The payment of debt to be laid down onto this earth for years to be my fate. Alcoholism and addiction pain and disgrace dancing twins not a care in the world. I am naked covered in the excrement of my life. To say I loathe myself at this very minute is to be too kind. I will remain sober today. Sam
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I'm sorry Sam.
Don't lose sight of what you've achieved sober - regardless of the grind of bureaucracy and what some public servant thinks you've come a long way in 2 years.
I hope you'll appeal the decision.
D
Don't lose sight of what you've achieved sober - regardless of the grind of bureaucracy and what some public servant thinks you've come a long way in 2 years.
I hope you'll appeal the decision.
D
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Missouir
Posts: 109
Thanks for the support. I'm at the office this morning, sober but still upset. We will continue to pay staff salaries no matter what happens.
It is especially difficult rationalizing any positive thoughts at this moment. I know I must stop the negative thinking and failing to over come this only adds to the damage already done. I'm down to only one card and so - I let go and let God. I will remain sober today. Sam
It is especially difficult rationalizing any positive thoughts at this moment. I know I must stop the negative thinking and failing to over come this only adds to the damage already done. I'm down to only one card and so - I let go and let God. I will remain sober today. Sam
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Damn Sam. That sounds wrong to me. I hope you appeal that decision. Usually with any initial disqualifying criteria like that, there is an opportunity to demonstrate mitigating circumstances or evidence of rehabilitation. You have lots of such evidence. I hope there is some sort of appeal process that you can take advantage of. I am sorry this is happening Sam. Tough strange times we are in.
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