Samsheppard64

In the office this morning alone, it is quiet and I'm still very upset about my company being excluded from any disaster assistance because I am on probation for a misdemeanor DWI. People talk about acceptance and forgiveness but in the end it is only talk. The truth is we judge one anther constantly. It is how society works. I am an alcoholic and with this designation a list of character defects is attached. Now in my mid 50's I find myself asking how do I carry on. What next is coming as I must renew my professional business licenses this year. My fear is all that I am and all that I know is in jeopardy. Truth is I am tired. I will remain sober today. Sam

nez

I can relate. When I got sober, I was the owner of a successful business which was put at risk due to my alcoholism. Every thing I knew and had worked hard for all those years for was in jeopardy.

My fears are all about "what ifs". If instead I focus on "what is now", my fears get whittled down to a size where I can walk through them. Through is the only way to the other side and freedom. When I walk through them I usually discover two things. One is that my fear was not near the bogey man that I had built up in my mind and the second is that I have way more strength than I give myself credit for. I haven't come this far, to only come this far.

I am ground zero. If I don't practice acceptance and forgiveness, I will never truly experience them because I don't know any thing about them. Part of that process is for me to accept and forgive other people for not living up to my expectations and perceptions of the way they should behave and treat me and for me to get my due rewards. They are merely human, as am I... I get to make choices about my behavior.

Samsheppard64

Nez - thank you and I hear you. I'll back up off the ledge and stop glaring at the paralyzing depth below. I shall seek a different approach one foot in front of the other to stabilize my perspective. This forum is cathartic for me and do come here seeking wisdom and advise from others.

Recovery is nothing like I expected it to be. It is more complicated than simply - stop consuming alcohol. I have moments I find myself watching my wife perform a meaningless task in a remarkably innocent simplistic manner. The subtleties of who she is as a person are illuminated if only for a few seconds. It is these moments I possess a deeper profound love for this person. It is an emotion that I was unaware I had the ability to feel. Conversely it is at these moments I realize I've allowed alcoholism and addiction to cheat me out of much of what life has to offer. I will not dwell on it and I will accept my past as just that, my past. i will remain sober today. Sam

nez

The good news is that is the past. It is over and done with. It doesn't have to be the future, but the lessons from it can help shape the future.

More good news with this as the now, just imagine what the future could hold!!! How could it be any thing but amazing!

Even more good news this share will stay with me for a long time and help me maintain my perspective on what is really important and matters in life. Thank you.

crown86

Wow Sam,

I read your thread and all I can think is there but the grace of God go I. I am only on day 4 but damn reading your story has helped and man I feel bad for you. Man I really needed to read your story and thank you for sharing it.

I have had a few minor run ins with the law. Stupid **** they could have gotten was a drunk in public No DWI's but that was only a matter of time. I always thought a DWI wasn't a matter of if just when for me. Most of my incedences have been more humiliating for my behavior at 52.

I am super committed to staying sober and one benfit I actually got on my hands and knees and thanked God for was for no legal issues or jail and I'm not dead. I said God Im not sure why or if I even deserve this but you are letting me out of this relatively unscathed.

Reading your story I know thats where I am heading if I continue to drink and man I do not want that. Thanks again for sharing your story.

Samsheppard64

crown86, May you find sincere and honest peace in sobriety. Let go let God and allow the man in the mirror to change. I will remain sober today. Sam

Samsheppard64

Well I made a big mistake reading the 20 traits of a psychopath on google today. This was preceded by just
randomly flipping through youtube videos and watching "Difference between psychopaths
and sociopaths" It simply looked interesting and now an hour later I'm sitting here wondering if I'm I a psychopath?

Reading the traits it sure would lead one to consider it a possibility. The seven deadly sins is mentioned as a
barometer which does not help as I look back on my past while in the throes of alcoholism as nothing short of gluttony. They talk about reckless behavior, encounters with the law, failed relationships, self-centeredness, being manipulative,
prone to boredom and on and oh crap I'm fricken psychopath.

Let me assert I'm a sober man in a loving relationship with a women I dearly and deeply love. My parents are older but they are healthy and we talk every Sunday on skype. I have friends but not more than four or five that I'd consider as truly close and or reliable. I would never ever intentionally cause harm to another person or animal for that matter.

If my past while I was drinking uncontrollably being an alcoholic has earned me similarities in characteristics of a psychopath.
Then I can only pray my life in sobriety be lasting and healing. Today I celebrate 25 months sober and today I will remain sober. Sam

Dee74

Things on the net are often geared to be as generic as possible - it's often just clickbait Sam
I'm willing to lay odds you're not a psychopath - if you were you wouldn't be surprised at an online test result
D

Samsheppard64

Thanks D - I was venting more in jest than in reality. However I do feel it is important to understand how alcoholism has impacted my life. I'd be more than foolish (exhibiting signs of psychopathy) if I failed to accept responsibility on my addiction, disease or allergy. I've found sobriety comforting and taking time to address root causes cathartic. My time in sobriety is short and my expectations are for a long journey where true happiness is found. I will remain sober today. Sam

Samsheppard64

Typical Thursday in the office working on general admin folders that have lingered way to long on my desk. I stopped drinking coffee last week. Never thought that would happen but the caffeine was making me feel uneasy. I've also been dealing with a feeling of dread. The unknown. Will being on probation for my recent DWI conviction cause my professional licenses to be denied? They come up for renewal next month and the sinking feeling in my gut is very real. Consequences. I will remain sober today. Sam

Anna

Sam, I'm glad you've been able to stay focused on your recovery. Your journey has had its ups and downs, for sure. I'm sorry to hear that your company was excluded from financial assistance due to your DWI. Have faith that your professional licenses will be able to be renewed.

Samsheppard64

My dear friend and business partner has past. I just talked to him a couple days ago and he was planing on coming over for diner this weekend. I'm in shock and very sad I'll miss my friend tremendously. Michael and me were long time friends, business partners and yes drinking buddies. Michael never made me feel uncomfortable when I quiet drinking he treated me exactly the same. My friend had a stroke about eight months prior. His doctor told him he would need to change his eating and drinking habits but there was no changing Michael. He was a lovely portly man the most awkwardly honest person I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. He will be missed so very much. I will remain sober today. Sam

2ndhandrose

I'm so sorry, Sam ♥

Samsheppard64

28 and half months plus a couple days. I still have thoughts how it would be nice to have a beer or a glass of scotch. However I intrinsically understand my days of consuming alcohol are over. The misery for me which is the opposing twin of my euphoria cancels out any addictive or alcohol voice still lurking in the back ground.

Life today is settling in. I'm acclimating to my routine and my professional licenses have all been renewed. Fortunate am I that I can continue working in a career that still brings me much pleasure. These statements seemed a million miles way just a few short months ago. The only way for me to get here was to stop drinking alcohol. Three simple words that I was complete unable understand just a short time ago. I will remain sober today. Sam

Dee74

congrats on your milestone Sam. Thoughts are thoughts - its what we do with them that counts

D

Samsheppard64

Was off on my previous post. Yesterday was my 28th month completed as a sober member of society. Looking around at all the chaos we see everyday is it any wonder why so many have issues coping. In a moment of reflection; I believed I was using alcohol property or equally correct as every other person. What I failed or refused to see was the damage it was causing in me and those close to me. This is the great sin. Refusing to see, to accept, to realize the obvious. Alcohol is not evil or bad or cruel, it is simply a liquid. The vessel is where the journey begins. As a sober man I can lead you safely through very perilous terrain. Conversely? Leading anything let alone safely it not even a consideration. I will remain sober today. Sam

Dee74

Whatever the month, congrats Sam

D

Samsheppard64

Almost halfway through 30 months sober. Doing well staying busy living life on life's terms. Stopped in to vent somewhat. Nothing major just dealing with thieves in the area. Last month someone stole one of our work trucks and last night someone else broke in another truck and stole the tools out of it. I feel like we are a target and it is a disconcerting to say the least. Times are getting hard for those on the edge consumed by addictions and whatever-else has them. I do not have sympathy and if I catch one in the act I'm liable to simply shoot them. Good thing I don't carry a fire-arm in my vehicle. Anyway truth is we have insurance and I'll get over being angry soon enough. What needs to be said is I'm a different person today. If this was happening while I was still consuming alcohol. Chances would have been good I'd use it to further my consumption in a binge. This would only further compound the situation causing a fight with the wife and leading to another reason to go the bar and drown my sorrows. Knowing full or should I say "fool" well that I was taking advantage to simply feed my addiction. Sobriety was not easy for me in the beginning but it is the only way I have found to truly cope with all things. I will remain sober today, Sam

fishkiller

Congrats on 2.5 years+!
Thanks for posting

I often border losing faith in mankind and when I do I try to look at the other, more prevalent side, which is people are generally good. We seem to take that for granted until bad things happen then we tend to focus on the negative aspects of the human race.

fishkiller

double post