I need help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Missouir
Posts: 109
djlook you have a gift for finding the right words to provide comfort where comfort is needed, thank you. That's good advice and will write it down on my 4th step. Here is some additional information; My wife was angry about several things yesterday. The big one was she felt I didn't trust she would buy my mother a mother's day gift. I was wrong, she had already purchased her a gift several days ago. I didn't know so everything I said came out wrong and the argument escalated ten fold.
Being sober this last year+ I've noticed my wife is dealing with anger. Not all of her anger is about me and how I used to be. I couldn't see this before as my self contentedness and drinking alcohol was always in the way. I hate that I was not really completely there for her. Especially when she really needed me. It is very painful stuff. This in mind I've been giving her as much space as I thought she needed. Yesterday my own anger pushed the sober thinking me out of the way and the end result was not good.
Last week I ran into my sponsor and told him I was getting close to being ready for my 5th step. He in his sage-like manner said "easy does it we'll get there". We've know each other for long while so I trust he is acting in my best interest. It is a sobering day, Sam
Being sober this last year+ I've noticed my wife is dealing with anger. Not all of her anger is about me and how I used to be. I couldn't see this before as my self contentedness and drinking alcohol was always in the way. I hate that I was not really completely there for her. Especially when she really needed me. It is very painful stuff. This in mind I've been giving her as much space as I thought she needed. Yesterday my own anger pushed the sober thinking me out of the way and the end result was not good.
Last week I ran into my sponsor and told him I was getting close to being ready for my 5th step. He in his sage-like manner said "easy does it we'll get there". We've know each other for long while so I trust he is acting in my best interest. It is a sobering day, Sam
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: St. Louis, Mo
Posts: 7,334
I'm a little late to the party but I wanted to tell you congratulations on your sobriety.
I had been molested as a child also. More than once. While working the 4th step, I wrote out my resentments. I didn't have a part in some - but I wrote them out. After doing the 5th step with my sponsor - we took it a step further. I burned all of those resentments. Every time I had been hurt went up in flames. I never felt that free before. That crap that took up so much space in me was gone. That was one of the best days I ever had. I hope you can find your way to let it go.
Talk to your wife the way you just wrote it here. You guys will be okay. Healing is ugly sometimes.
I had been molested as a child also. More than once. While working the 4th step, I wrote out my resentments. I didn't have a part in some - but I wrote them out. After doing the 5th step with my sponsor - we took it a step further. I burned all of those resentments. Every time I had been hurt went up in flames. I never felt that free before. That crap that took up so much space in me was gone. That was one of the best days I ever had. I hope you can find your way to let it go.
Talk to your wife the way you just wrote it here. You guys will be okay. Healing is ugly sometimes.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Sam.
I suggest you take that action, doing the columns in your 4th step inventory. Then read "Into Action." Get with your sponsor immediately, if possible, and do a 5th step on this. You and your wife both deserve this. It'll give you the necessary humility required to make the amends you need to make to your wife and to yourself.
When I took my 5th step with my sponsor, I was truly able to have compassion for the person I had a resentment against. What I learned was the very person(s) I resented were the ones I had placed my dependence on for emotional security, financial security, and a place in society. When I finished my 5th step, I saw that I had leaned too heavily on those people and that my dependence was to be placed on God, not people, to help solve my problems, particularly relationship problems; work, home, coworkers, etc.
Communication in the home is so important. It's the key to good relationships. I'm still learning to communicate my feelings to my husband, and it's hard. He's a recovered alcoholic of 31 years and neither one of us have this thing down pat. We never will. We're trying to live in harmony with another human being, under the same roof, and it's tough. Not all the time, but sometimes it is.
But through staying sober and practicing the steps the best we know how each day, we've been able to achieve some humility. Growth is always painful for me. Spiritual pride is what gets me in trouble. In my drinking days I loved it when somebody wronged me. I'd feel so sorry for myself. You know the story, pour me, pour me, pour me another drink. But we have a solution now.
I sponsored a gal one time who refused to make an amends to a little gal at a McDonald's. She called and asked me did I think she owned her an amends, I told her I sure did, we did a 10th step, and she refused to go back and apologize to that little girl. She's still drunk today. It's been 10 years and she cannot get back into the program. I'm not saying that one incident got her drunk. Her ego did.
You're going to be okay. Your willingness is the key.
Thank you, Sam. You've helped me a lot today.
I suggest you take that action, doing the columns in your 4th step inventory. Then read "Into Action." Get with your sponsor immediately, if possible, and do a 5th step on this. You and your wife both deserve this. It'll give you the necessary humility required to make the amends you need to make to your wife and to yourself.
When I took my 5th step with my sponsor, I was truly able to have compassion for the person I had a resentment against. What I learned was the very person(s) I resented were the ones I had placed my dependence on for emotional security, financial security, and a place in society. When I finished my 5th step, I saw that I had leaned too heavily on those people and that my dependence was to be placed on God, not people, to help solve my problems, particularly relationship problems; work, home, coworkers, etc.
Communication in the home is so important. It's the key to good relationships. I'm still learning to communicate my feelings to my husband, and it's hard. He's a recovered alcoholic of 31 years and neither one of us have this thing down pat. We never will. We're trying to live in harmony with another human being, under the same roof, and it's tough. Not all the time, but sometimes it is.
But through staying sober and practicing the steps the best we know how each day, we've been able to achieve some humility. Growth is always painful for me. Spiritual pride is what gets me in trouble. In my drinking days I loved it when somebody wronged me. I'd feel so sorry for myself. You know the story, pour me, pour me, pour me another drink. But we have a solution now.
I sponsored a gal one time who refused to make an amends to a little gal at a McDonald's. She called and asked me did I think she owned her an amends, I told her I sure did, we did a 10th step, and she refused to go back and apologize to that little girl. She's still drunk today. It's been 10 years and she cannot get back into the program. I'm not saying that one incident got her drunk. Her ego did.
You're going to be okay. Your willingness is the key.
Thank you, Sam. You've helped me a lot today.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Sam.
One last thing. I know you've listened to the Joe and Charlie Book Book Study Tapes. I think this is in there.
After the columns, I'm Resentful At, The Cause, Affects My, there's a very important prayer to be prayed. It starts at the bottom of page 66, starting with, "This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were ........... This has been a vital part of my recovery, to pray for that person and at the same time, I'm praying for myself. Thank you again.
One last thing. I know you've listened to the Joe and Charlie Book Book Study Tapes. I think this is in there.
After the columns, I'm Resentful At, The Cause, Affects My, there's a very important prayer to be prayed. It starts at the bottom of page 66, starting with, "This was our course: We realized that the people who wronged us were ........... This has been a vital part of my recovery, to pray for that person and at the same time, I'm praying for myself. Thank you again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Missouir
Posts: 109
My journey at Sober Recovery began August 24, 2017 with a post “alcohol is my god and god hates me”. My life was becoming unmanageable and I was seeking help to overcome a 30+ year addiction to alcohol. This forum allowed me to share honestly and anonymously my story and my experiences. It was difficult and emotional and on several occasions tears dripped onto my keyboard. It was a healing process I unwittingly and uncomfortably stumbled into.
My faith unstable at the time I was a moderately successful business owner with a beautiful wife. My wife although angry with my alcoholism tolerated me and we shared a reasonably comfortable existence. Even though I was seeking help I stubbornly remained blind to the millions that had already laid down a road to recovery. Arrogance, ignorance and stupidity are the words coming to mind while I reflect on who and where I was.
I was a binge drinker. My drinking effected everything in my life. The reasons were many and yes some profound and meaningful however the result simple succinct. I am an alcoholic. The wagon carried me as I fell off time and time again. My stubbornness which I convinced myself was self-reliance tripped me up every time. As the damages were exacerbated with each and every fall.
March 31, 2018 off the wagon again. This time the wagon was on the edge of a very deep cannon and, down into the abyss I went. Driving drunk as I had numerous times in the past. On this prophetic occasion I ran into the back of a Cadillac. My speed was slow so no injuries but the result; arrested, jailed and charged DWI #3 felony.
My life became very small with problems in every direction. I was boxed in and seeking any way out only to be caught in the corners of despair. My faith lost I contemplated a selfish final escape. Thankfully somewhere the strength was bestowed onto me and I vowed to accept my fate.
The gravity of my situation forced me to accept that I was not in control and desperately needed help. My bottom was hit, step one. Sponsor in hand we attended AA meetings in the morning and worked the big book in the evenings. Time slowed to a miserably painful pace. There were countless sleepless nights awake in bed tossing over and over again. I begged the Lord to take my memories away. To deliver me to a peaceful place so that I may rest. Mentally and emotionally sobering up my salvation was work. Immersing myself into a 14 hour 7 day work schedule distracted my self-loathing.
Continuing to post on this site many of you responded with words of comfort and encouragement. It is hard to explain but the responses were timely and seemed to fill the voids opening in front of me as I walked the path of recovery. Thank you all.
My case working its way through the court system I continued to work the 12 step program. As each month passed picking up my sobriety chips 1, 2 then 3 and on to 12. One year sober clear minded my thoughts after so many years were once again my own. Not taking it for granted or naive to the elusiveness of my addiction. My thinking was if I could make it to a year of sobriety. Chances were good that I would have the tools to continue thus changing my life for the better.
May 13, 2019 one year one month 13 days and my second court appearance. My attorney was as surprised as I when we found out the DA had not witnesses. The people I ran into failed to show and the arresting officer had left the force and moved out of state. My case was dismissed, my life handed back to me to begin anew. Humbled grateful sober faith restored.
I will remain sober today, Sam
My faith unstable at the time I was a moderately successful business owner with a beautiful wife. My wife although angry with my alcoholism tolerated me and we shared a reasonably comfortable existence. Even though I was seeking help I stubbornly remained blind to the millions that had already laid down a road to recovery. Arrogance, ignorance and stupidity are the words coming to mind while I reflect on who and where I was.
I was a binge drinker. My drinking effected everything in my life. The reasons were many and yes some profound and meaningful however the result simple succinct. I am an alcoholic. The wagon carried me as I fell off time and time again. My stubbornness which I convinced myself was self-reliance tripped me up every time. As the damages were exacerbated with each and every fall.
March 31, 2018 off the wagon again. This time the wagon was on the edge of a very deep cannon and, down into the abyss I went. Driving drunk as I had numerous times in the past. On this prophetic occasion I ran into the back of a Cadillac. My speed was slow so no injuries but the result; arrested, jailed and charged DWI #3 felony.
My life became very small with problems in every direction. I was boxed in and seeking any way out only to be caught in the corners of despair. My faith lost I contemplated a selfish final escape. Thankfully somewhere the strength was bestowed onto me and I vowed to accept my fate.
The gravity of my situation forced me to accept that I was not in control and desperately needed help. My bottom was hit, step one. Sponsor in hand we attended AA meetings in the morning and worked the big book in the evenings. Time slowed to a miserably painful pace. There were countless sleepless nights awake in bed tossing over and over again. I begged the Lord to take my memories away. To deliver me to a peaceful place so that I may rest. Mentally and emotionally sobering up my salvation was work. Immersing myself into a 14 hour 7 day work schedule distracted my self-loathing.
Continuing to post on this site many of you responded with words of comfort and encouragement. It is hard to explain but the responses were timely and seemed to fill the voids opening in front of me as I walked the path of recovery. Thank you all.
My case working its way through the court system I continued to work the 12 step program. As each month passed picking up my sobriety chips 1, 2 then 3 and on to 12. One year sober clear minded my thoughts after so many years were once again my own. Not taking it for granted or naive to the elusiveness of my addiction. My thinking was if I could make it to a year of sobriety. Chances were good that I would have the tools to continue thus changing my life for the better.
May 13, 2019 one year one month 13 days and my second court appearance. My attorney was as surprised as I when we found out the DA had not witnesses. The people I ran into failed to show and the arresting officer had left the force and moved out of state. My case was dismissed, my life handed back to me to begin anew. Humbled grateful sober faith restored.
I will remain sober today, Sam
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Hello, Sam.
Just WOW!
Isn't it amazing how the DA's witnesses were MIA, the people you ran into were MIA, the arresting officer was MIA, but God showed up?
I don't believe I've ever read a more powerful post.
I am so grateful for you this morning. I needed to hear every single word you've shared. I have a family issue currently going on in my life, and your post gives me hope.
SR, coupled with AA are powerful when an alcoholic is ready to give up the fight.
Thank you again.
Just WOW!
Isn't it amazing how the DA's witnesses were MIA, the people you ran into were MIA, the arresting officer was MIA, but God showed up?
I don't believe I've ever read a more powerful post.
I am so grateful for you this morning. I needed to hear every single word you've shared. I have a family issue currently going on in my life, and your post gives me hope.
SR, coupled with AA are powerful when an alcoholic is ready to give up the fight.
Thank you again.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Good morning, Sam.
I woke up so very grateful this morning; grateful for my wonderful husband, a son who now has 97 days sober, my home, my relationship with my youngest son; my job, and most of all my sobriety. Each day I do not pick up a drink is a miracle. Even after 21 years of continuous sobriety, I too remember that I have a disease called alcoholism. I am grateful that I can plan my day and alcohol is no longer my master. I love the freedom of choice I have today. I hope you have a wonderful day, and thank you for sharing all that you share.
I woke up so very grateful this morning; grateful for my wonderful husband, a son who now has 97 days sober, my home, my relationship with my youngest son; my job, and most of all my sobriety. Each day I do not pick up a drink is a miracle. Even after 21 years of continuous sobriety, I too remember that I have a disease called alcoholism. I am grateful that I can plan my day and alcohol is no longer my master. I love the freedom of choice I have today. I hope you have a wonderful day, and thank you for sharing all that you share.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
Wow what a powerful post. Thank you for sharing this. Congrats on your sobriety. Sounds like you have been willing to go to any lengths to achieve it! I identified so much with alot of what you wrote. I am in AA also and AA has saved my life. No human power could stop me drinking and I try on a daily basis to turn my will over to the care of the God of my understanding because when I am running on self will, things do not go well and the end of your share sent shivers down my spine whe you described what happened with your case. If that is not a clear cut example of God's Will then I don't know what is! Thank you for helping this alcoholic today and keep going!
And Djlook I loves your posts too. Wow. Thank you.
And Djlook I loves your posts too. Wow. Thank you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Missouir
Posts: 109
I guess my stars are not aligned after all. The DA has re-filed charges against me DWI Persistent, Felony. Must be the dog and a bone thing. All I know is that I'm not sue my marriage can survive another hit of court battles and once again walking around the house not know if our life will be ruined. One year two months and 7 days sober. I will remain sober today. Sam
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Missouir
Posts: 109
There is no where else for me to turn. The majority of people in my life rely on me being strong and stable. Neither of those characteristics can be attributed to how I am feeling at this moment. Once again into the breach I must go. Not of valor, nor any form of respectful need. I must face the consequences of my actions. Please lord hear me and know of my remorse. If I loose all that I hold not only as my identity but what I truly love and cherish. What then shall I become? How do I carry on empty and in despair? I will remain sober today. Sam
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 365
Hey Sam, welcome. I hated those mornings of regret and sickness and am glad to have them behind me.
There are so many reasons to not drink and no reasons to drink. Keep coming back here and do whatever it takes to stay sober. It's worth it. Only three weeks in, and the smoke is clearing. I can see my healthy, sober life ahead of me. It looks awesome!
Alcohol is not your god; it's your demon, and it only cares that you feed it. It could care less if you die broke, asphyxiated by your own vomit, in the gutter. Kick its butt! You got this!
There are so many reasons to not drink and no reasons to drink. Keep coming back here and do whatever it takes to stay sober. It's worth it. Only three weeks in, and the smoke is clearing. I can see my healthy, sober life ahead of me. It looks awesome!
Alcohol is not your god; it's your demon, and it only cares that you feed it. It could care less if you die broke, asphyxiated by your own vomit, in the gutter. Kick its butt! You got this!
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