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Journey Into Night

Old 08-22-2017, 05:52 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Thanks Chicory: I feel very much alone. My wife does not have a drinking problem but increasingly, over the past four years we have drifted apart. I will never leave her but it saddens me to think of the old times, Brooklyn Heights where we had two animals, a cat and a dog, our first trip abroad on the old Queen Mary in 1957, France (Paris and Vezelay), Switzerland and Zermatt, Florence, Assisi and Rome. Our honeymoon in Quebec (France on the cheap), where we bought the "Hair of the Mo" England, the Lake Country, Ullapool. Yorkminster and Durham with its old Norman Cathedral. This was the woman I loved and she loved me, despite my periodic drinking. This I must remember. I must live long enough to survive her and the dog. After that I am content if my mission may be over. Not suicide. Just "Welcome Sister Death" And I hope that my work may be done. To try to make up for all and heartache I caused my family for forty years. My true love (in addition to my cousin whose portrait is by my bed, who died at 19), is in the poetry, prose and magnificence of the English in the 18th and early Nineteenth Century. I have built up a collection as a memorial to her. As for my mother, with whom I ended up with a seven year bitter and hostile relationship (growing dementia), we must respect and forgive the dead. May they rest in peace. And so may it be for us all. Let hope that by the Grace of God it may be so.

Fondly, Bill
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Old 08-24-2017, 05:43 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Bill,

I loved your note about your past with your wife and the memories you have.

That is a gift for both of you.

Do you talk about those times? Might be a way to keep the edge off.

You are always a pleasure.
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Old 08-24-2017, 08:28 AM
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Thanks Dropsie:
Last night I dreamed about the old times, when I was a boy of 10 or so and of the summer house we had in the Allegheny Mountains. I dreamed about going back there now and how everything had changed, been "modernized" And I remembered the old dirt roads, the gristmill with its water wheel, turn right on the little bridge over the creek, go up the dirt road and there on the right was our farmhouse, painted white, with no electricity but only kerosine lamps, a wooden wall telephone with its crank on the side, an "icebox" in the kitchen and a coal stove. A barn, its attic still filled with hay and how we played in that hay! No toilet only an "outhouse" with its Sears Roebuck catalogue! And the gasoline pump we had in the basement of the house pumping drinking and bathing water from the nearby creek. Eighty years ago! When America was a different land, in some ways a softer, more loving land. But sometimes we heard Hitler on our battery powered radio and the cook in the kitchen would lament with broken accents, "Oh de Hitler! Oh de Hitler!"

Bill.


Originally Posted by Dropsie View Post
Bill,

I loved your note about your past with your wife and the memories you have.

That is a gift for both of you.

Do you talk about those times? Might be a way to keep the edge off.

You are always a pleasure.
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Old 08-24-2017, 06:36 PM
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Bill, Which part of the Alleghenys did you have the house in? Pennsylvania? I wonder if it's still there. I enjoy reading about your memories too.
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Old 08-24-2017, 07:17 PM
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East of Pittsburgh. Between Chestnut Ridge (the first mountain ridge you meet) and Laurel Ridge (the second).

Bill

Originally Posted by Hevyn View Post
Bill, Which part of the Alleghenys did you have the house in? Pennsylvania? I wonder if it's still there. I enjoy reading about your memories too.
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Old 08-24-2017, 09:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Nonsensical View Post
You've left more than one.
This.

I dislike that you're having a hard time and hope it gets better soon.

However, you can be certain you've left a supremely positive impact on me. I've no doubt you've changed more lives than you realize.
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Old 08-24-2017, 10:56 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Thanks so much Thirteenth.. What you say means a lot to me. Like others I have a lot of guilt for all my drinking years and have only few more years to try to make up for it. Like most people I fear death, not so much the pain (doctors can take care of that) but for the uncertainty. I don't know whether the "me" will disappear. That there might be ''nothing". But if there is a "nothing" why am afraid of that "Nothingness"? ( Madam Flora in the final scene of Gian Carlo Menotti's opera "The Medium")

W


Originally Posted by Thirteenth View Post
This.

I dislike that you're having a hard time and hope it gets better soon.

However, you can be certain you've left a supremely positive impact on me. I've no doubt you've changed more lives than you realize.
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Old 08-24-2017, 11:30 PM
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Wpainter.

You sound pretty good and normal to me. If someone was spinning my wife up and getting drunk in my kitchen I wouldn't like it either.

I probably wouldn't handle it as gracefully as you.

My long departed grandpa, died at 94 or so, used to say...getting old is the pits.

I'm only 52, and I wish I was 5 again. That is when I remember beginning my drinking career.

I don't regret my drinking as much as some folks. My wife, basically a non drinker, tells me to....stop talking about it and move on.

It's not that easy for us drunks. Working on it.

I love to obsess. I have a room full of voices in my head all day long. They quell when I stay mentally busy.

Sometimes my obsessions percolate out into me talking to myself. That could be a problem.

Thanks.
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Old 08-24-2017, 11:43 PM
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Just going to leave this here.. Thank you,Bill! I've always heard/felt/read your wisdom on here!
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Old 08-25-2017, 05:10 AM
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So sorry to hear. Sounds like so much to deal with. Wishing you happiness
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Old 08-25-2017, 07:02 AM
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D122Y: You wrote " If someone was spinning my wife up and getting drunk in my kitchen I wouldn't like it either.
I beg to differ! No one was "getting drunk in my kitchen" and I don't know what is meant by "spinning my wife up"! All my guests , including members of my family, know of my alcoholism in the past. No one gets drunk in this house. The most that happens is somebody (not me!) having one or two glasses of wine. The only point is that i never get cravings any more after 29 years. I thought saying that to the SR folks might be helpful to some. My daughter in law upsets me but she hardly ever drinks. End of story. Guess I should not have said anything about such stuff on SR.

W.
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Old 08-25-2017, 07:26 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Hi Bill,

I've been in and out of SR too many times to count, but have always been comforted to see you around and enjoy your writings. What you said was just fine - you needed to vent and I'm quite certain it helped more than a few people to do so. People do have a way of interpreting shares to apply them to their own lives and that's fine too. That's how I read D122y's response.

To me, your response to this particular situation with your wife was a fine example of "healthy isolation," a technique I need to learn as my isolation has been extremely unhealthy over the past many years.

Thanks
O
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Old 08-25-2017, 09:23 AM
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Thanks Obladi!
Your response meant a lot to me. And I do like that term "Healthy Isolation"!. Sometimes I lock myself in my room and post a sign that says simply "Sleeping. Please Do Not Disturb." Since I am a dogaholic I always lock myself in with my dog, "emotional support dog" Actually he knows I'm his slave.

Bill
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Old 08-25-2017, 03:40 PM
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Wpainter,

Spinning up means...feeding her fears, indirectly supporting etc etc...

I was certain...bottles of wine left open in the pantry...meant a state of drunkenness for your friend at least.

I was offering support. It helps me when I do that.

I may have misread your post.

Please forgive me for offending you.

My slang/lack or regard for proper American English didn't help my efforts.

Thanks.
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Old 08-25-2017, 04:39 PM
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Originally Posted by D122y View Post
Wpainter,

Spinning up means...feeding her fears, indirectly supporting etc etc...

I was certain...bottles of wine left open in the pantry...meant a state of drunkenness for your friend at least.

I was offering support. It helps me when I do that.

I may have misread your post.

Please forgive me for offending you.

My slang/lack or regard for proper American English didn't help my efforts.

Thanks.
Yes, I also interpreted the post the way you did.
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Old 08-25-2017, 05:39 PM
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D122y: No problem! Apology accepted! Understand everything except your saying, "I was certain...bottles of wine left open in the pantry...meant a state of drunkenness for your friend at least." The "guest" was a friend from a foreign country. He was not drinking at all. He repeated a controversial story I had told him earlier about my son's wife. My son was not drinking when he heard this story. . My son always has one or two glasses of wine later in the evening. . I have never seen him drunk. On the other had he saw me drunk for many many years. That is why now, like you, I try to expiate my guilt by supporting other substance abusers if I can do so.
I must confess I may have misstated the facts. All I can say is that I have been under enormous tension these past three weeks. Have had to take sleeping medications, have had bad dreams. Have gone on extended car drives with my dog, which always made me feel much better, just to get away from it all.

W.
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Old 08-25-2017, 06:18 PM
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P.S. Frankly I am worried about what all of this commotion in my family has done to me. I have not had a stroke or heart attack but I have moments when I cannot remember even the first hame of a grandchild who lives nearby. A close friend said today that stress sometimes does this to people. When I get into my car and drive, the dog and I for twenty miles or so on the superhighway, I suddenly feel my head starting to clear and my driving skills sharpen immensely even in a minute or so. My doctor says I should do this and get away by myself more often and I think this is good advice. I can focus on "Easy does it!", "One thing at a time!", "Live in the 'Now'". Such things are not new but have been known for well over 2,000 years.
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Old 08-25-2017, 08:04 PM
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I agree with your friend - during times of stress (or depression), I forget what I just thought a moment ago, the names of people I see on a weekly basis, and especially words. This last is most distressing to me because I do love the precision of language, although to be sure it's generally not as precise as I would want it to be. If getting away with the dog for a bit clears your mind, then absolutely! Schedule it into your day.
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Old 08-25-2017, 10:44 PM
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Quality time alone is necessary for sanity. Although I'll concede that having the dog along is even better.
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Old 08-26-2017, 07:15 AM
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Originally Posted by MythOfSisyphus View Post
Quality time alone is necessary for sanity. Although I'll concede that having the dog along is even better.
Thank God for dogs! Thank God for this dog! Lying on my bed right now for a tummy scratch.

Bill
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