Journey Into Night
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
W,
Thanks for sharing these bits of your journey. I too have had the privilege of sharing my home with dogs over the years. We should all be so lucky to know the unconditional love that comes naturally for dogs. I suspect they have a much easier time than us humans clearing through whatever vetting exists at the pearly gates. And perhaps if such a place exists, it will indeed be "home at last!" when we return to our pack.
Whatever your transgressions while you were a drinker, I am grateful to have known you through SR. Your wisdom and humanity are an inspiration.
With gratitude and warm regards,
Eddie
Thanks for sharing these bits of your journey. I too have had the privilege of sharing my home with dogs over the years. We should all be so lucky to know the unconditional love that comes naturally for dogs. I suspect they have a much easier time than us humans clearing through whatever vetting exists at the pearly gates. And perhaps if such a place exists, it will indeed be "home at last!" when we return to our pack.
Whatever your transgressions while you were a drinker, I am grateful to have known you through SR. Your wisdom and humanity are an inspiration.
With gratitude and warm regards,
Eddie
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Keep your chin up, W.
I think it's natural for your son to be upset; it's an upsetting conversation. We often avoid thinking about unpleasant things but avoiding them doesn't alter their inevitability. Many psychologists say that putting one's affairs in order generally improves our mental well being. That makes sense.
I expect your doctor is correct about exercise. It's probably better than any medication. Use it or lose it, that's a truism when applied to our bodies. Staying as fit as possible increases our "healthspan" or the amount of life we have that's healthy and useful.
I wonder, do you suffer at all from SAD? The beginning of fall can be a bit depressing to some. I like it since fall is my favorite season.
I think it's natural for your son to be upset; it's an upsetting conversation. We often avoid thinking about unpleasant things but avoiding them doesn't alter their inevitability. Many psychologists say that putting one's affairs in order generally improves our mental well being. That makes sense.I expect your doctor is correct about exercise. It's probably better than any medication. Use it or lose it, that's a truism when applied to our bodies. Staying as fit as possible increases our "healthspan" or the amount of life we have that's healthy and useful.
I wonder, do you suffer at all from SAD? The beginning of fall can be a bit depressing to some. I like it since fall is my favorite season.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Hi Bill, I somehow missed this post the first go around but I am glad that you have posted again and I have seen it. Your words are so moving, powerful and important. Many of us live in cultures in which death is a taboo subject and we don't often have the opportunity to hear things like what you are saying- even though everyone experiences this. Thank you for your candor.
The fear of death is so very normal and I imagine becomes much stronger in old age. I think you are doing all the right things in keeping up regular visits with your doctor, exercising and looking after your mental well-being by spending time with your dog, going on drives, taking time for yourself, etc. It sounds like your wife has these same fears but is handling them differently, avoiding the topic and the reality by not visiting her doctor. I am sure that is frustrating for you but maybe if you can look at what you do share- the fear of death and uncertainty of old age- you can see that she is just doing things her way and the way she feels most comfortable. Perhaps if you could talk about this with her you might find some of that connection you had before and also may be able to have her see your point of view and consider seeing her doctor.
I know we spoke of the book "Love's Executioner" and I believe I recall you saying that you did read it. Maybe have a look at it again, he speaks often of the fear of death and I found all of the stories to be very touching, each in their own way.
I do understand your son's feelings regarding the safe deposit box. During my last visit to the US my father presented me with his will and without warning wanted to go through it with me. He is not at your age just quite yet, but I suppose it is an appropriate time for him to start lining things up. I realise it is an important and necessary discussion for us to have but it made me very uncomfortable and upset. I didn't want to know about all that, I didn't want to think of his death. I wish he had just made the will and left it with his lawyer for me to be given upon his death. The discussion of all the "stuff" and money made me very uncomfortable. I think he felt it important, one because he wanted to make sure everything was clear regarding some rental property he owns and two because he has nominated my brother as the executor of his will and maybe thought I would feel "left-out" or hurt by that. I certainly don't, my brother and his husband live right there near him, are very responsible and honest people. I am half-way around the world, a recovering alcoholic...
You are doing all the right things Bill, it is responsible and kind for you to get your affairs in order now. But for those that love you it is an uncomfortable and yes, upsetting thing to think about.
One other thing, have you thought of seeing a therapist? A weekly or bi-weekly meeting, one hour just for you, might really be something beneficial to help you address your fears of death, your fears for your wife and help you relieve the tension of the day-to-day grind.
Sending you a big, warm hug Bill.
The fear of death is so very normal and I imagine becomes much stronger in old age. I think you are doing all the right things in keeping up regular visits with your doctor, exercising and looking after your mental well-being by spending time with your dog, going on drives, taking time for yourself, etc. It sounds like your wife has these same fears but is handling them differently, avoiding the topic and the reality by not visiting her doctor. I am sure that is frustrating for you but maybe if you can look at what you do share- the fear of death and uncertainty of old age- you can see that she is just doing things her way and the way she feels most comfortable. Perhaps if you could talk about this with her you might find some of that connection you had before and also may be able to have her see your point of view and consider seeing her doctor.
I know we spoke of the book "Love's Executioner" and I believe I recall you saying that you did read it. Maybe have a look at it again, he speaks often of the fear of death and I found all of the stories to be very touching, each in their own way.
I do understand your son's feelings regarding the safe deposit box. During my last visit to the US my father presented me with his will and without warning wanted to go through it with me. He is not at your age just quite yet, but I suppose it is an appropriate time for him to start lining things up. I realise it is an important and necessary discussion for us to have but it made me very uncomfortable and upset. I didn't want to know about all that, I didn't want to think of his death. I wish he had just made the will and left it with his lawyer for me to be given upon his death. The discussion of all the "stuff" and money made me very uncomfortable. I think he felt it important, one because he wanted to make sure everything was clear regarding some rental property he owns and two because he has nominated my brother as the executor of his will and maybe thought I would feel "left-out" or hurt by that. I certainly don't, my brother and his husband live right there near him, are very responsible and honest people. I am half-way around the world, a recovering alcoholic...
You are doing all the right things Bill, it is responsible and kind for you to get your affairs in order now. But for those that love you it is an uncomfortable and yes, upsetting thing to think about.
One other thing, have you thought of seeing a therapist? A weekly or bi-weekly meeting, one hour just for you, might really be something beneficial to help you address your fears of death, your fears for your wife and help you relieve the tension of the day-to-day grind.
Sending you a big, warm hug Bill.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,415
Bill - may it be a ways off yet, but I think we all have a responsibility to make sure there's an enduring power of attorney should anything happen to us.
I'm sorry your son got upset but there are things that need to be safeguarded so that your wife for instance isn't burdened with all of this should something happen (and vice versa).
I think you did the right thing?
D.
I'm sorry your son got upset but there are things that need to be safeguarded so that your wife for instance isn't burdened with all of this should something happen (and vice versa).
I think you did the right thing?
D.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Thanks so much Mera! What a wise, caring and good friend you are! Yes , I have indeed considered going to a counselor or therapist. I was considering one but she specializes in meditation, which spooks me and makes me think too much of my sister's psychosis from 1947-1955, her recovery, divorce and, due to failure to take her medications, her sliding down a slippery slope to suicide in 1968, followed by her only son's suicide in 1971. She got involved with Vedanta from India and began to hallucinate that she was God.
Meditation thus spooks me. I want to look outwards, not inwards, seek support from some collective. Am not an AA person but was helped by it from 1988 to 1997- an agnostics, atheists and free thinkers group. Since 1998 I have immersed myself again in English Lit.and Poetry from the mid 18th Century to the "High Romantics" of the early 19th Century.
Travel a bit. It was always good to drive down to the Blue Ridge Mountains and Smoky Mountains in Virginia and North Carolina (Skyline Drive). It must be beautiful there now that the leaves are changing. Will maybe send you a few more white Casa Blanca liiies if you like. How is Susan. Still visiting her son daily in jail?
Love and Hugs
Bill and The Boz
Meditation thus spooks me. I want to look outwards, not inwards, seek support from some collective. Am not an AA person but was helped by it from 1988 to 1997- an agnostics, atheists and free thinkers group. Since 1998 I have immersed myself again in English Lit.and Poetry from the mid 18th Century to the "High Romantics" of the early 19th Century.
Travel a bit. It was always good to drive down to the Blue Ridge Mountains and Smoky Mountains in Virginia and North Carolina (Skyline Drive). It must be beautiful there now that the leaves are changing. Will maybe send you a few more white Casa Blanca liiies if you like. How is Susan. Still visiting her son daily in jail?
Love and Hugs
Bill and The Boz
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 591
Hi Bill
Just was reading through you thread and hope all is well my friend. Just jumping back to a happier place you mentioned earlier. The Allegheny mountains up in the Laurel Ridge, and the Laurel Highlands, I live 20 minutes outside of Pittsburgh and that is my escape. I love it up there soo much. My girlfriend and I found a old farmhouse with the farm dating back to the 1700's that we rent for extended weekends just to get away together. No TV's, computers, technology if anykind. Just our bikes, kayaks, and the most beautiful views in the Eastern USin my opinion, Just wanted to let you know still dirt roads and probably pretty much the same as you remember. Stay well friend
Just was reading through you thread and hope all is well my friend. Just jumping back to a happier place you mentioned earlier. The Allegheny mountains up in the Laurel Ridge, and the Laurel Highlands, I live 20 minutes outside of Pittsburgh and that is my escape. I love it up there soo much. My girlfriend and I found a old farmhouse with the farm dating back to the 1700's that we rent for extended weekends just to get away together. No TV's, computers, technology if anykind. Just our bikes, kayaks, and the most beautiful views in the Eastern USin my opinion, Just wanted to let you know still dirt roads and probably pretty much the same as you remember. Stay well friend
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