22 years old
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Originally Posted by TorchedGrave 
Day 87
Well I had a whole spiel written out, which then got lost for some reason when trying to post. I wasn't going to retype, but then I changed my mind.
What I was going to say was this -- I had this thought today that if I were to go back to drinking, it definitely wouldn't be like the old days because I'd likely drink only on weekends since I'd be working the rest of the time anyway. My point is that, I believe the reason most people don't have a drinking problem is because they're simply too busy to develop one. And that's why I believe it's been relatively easy for me this time around. In other words, the reason I drank was because I had nothing else to do, because I could, and because it was my activity. Then when I got sober, I found something to replace it. All of this is to say that the reason I drank as much as I did is more because I had nothing else to do, and less because I was physically addicted to alcohol. (I'm not in any way trying to rationalize my behavior in order to say that it is now safe for me to drink. I'm not. I don't have plans to drink again. I'm just calling attention to the fact that to this day I will maintain that I was never physically addicted; I just had a very self-destructive hobby. Was I a binge drinker? Yes. Did I abuse alcohol? Yes. Did I drink in the mornings? Yes. Did I physically crave alcohol in the same way that a smoker craves a cigarette? Not really.) Does that make sense?
Anyway, it's been a pretty subpar week. I recall feeling better 2-3 weeks ago, which is weird.
TGTIF.
Well I had a whole spiel written out, which then got lost for some reason when trying to post. I wasn't going to retype, but then I changed my mind.
What I was going to say was this -- I had this thought today that if I were to go back to drinking, it definitely wouldn't be like the old days because I'd likely drink only on weekends since I'd be working the rest of the time anyway. My point is that, I believe the reason most people don't have a drinking problem is because they're simply too busy to develop one. And that's why I believe it's been relatively easy for me this time around. In other words, the reason I drank was because I had nothing else to do, because I could, and because it was my activity. Then when I got sober, I found something to replace it. All of this is to say that the reason I drank as much as I did is more because I had nothing else to do, and less because I was physically addicted to alcohol. (I'm not in any way trying to rationalize my behavior in order to say that it is now safe for me to drink. I'm not. I don't have plans to drink again. I'm just calling attention to the fact that to this day I will maintain that I was never physically addicted; I just had a very self-destructive hobby. Was I a binge drinker? Yes. Did I abuse alcohol? Yes. Did I drink in the mornings? Yes. Did I physically crave alcohol in the same way that a smoker craves a cigarette? Not really.) Does that make sense?
Anyway, it's been a pretty subpar week. I recall feeling better 2-3 weeks ago, which is weird.
TGTIF.
I'll share what I can, I drank because I could, and for the most part I liked it. But I knew I could not continue, and the couple benders I had were going to kill me if I did continue. I feel confident in my strength and resolve. Particularly because I am not working and could sit around all day and drink if that's what I wanted to do, but I don't. The easiest time in my entire life to drink would be the last 4 months, but I have not. And like thousands before me, I have no regrets about quitting.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,460
What I was going to say was this -- I had this thought today that if I were to go back to drinking, it definitely wouldn't be like the old days because I'd likely drink only on weekends since I'd be working the rest of the time anyway. My point is that, I believe the reason most people don't have a drinking problem is because they're simply too busy to develop one. And that's why I believe it's been relatively easy for me this time around. In other words, the reason I drank was because I had nothing else to do, because I could, and because it was my activity. Then when I got sober, I found something to replace it. All of this is to say that the reason I drank as much as I did is more because I had nothing else to do, and less because I was physically addicted to alcohol. (I'm not in any way trying to rationalize my behavior in order to say that it is now safe for me to drink. I'm not. I don't have plans to drink again. I'm just calling attention to the fact that to this day I will maintain that I was never physically addicted; I just had a very self-destructive hobby. Was I a binge drinker? Yes. Did I abuse alcohol? Yes. Did I drink in the mornings? Yes. Did I physically crave alcohol in the mornings? Yes. Did I physically crave alcohol in the same way that a smoker craves a cigarette? Not really.) Does that make sense?
Unfortunately for me that thinking that maybe I wasn't the full deal alcoholic was the precursor to a decision a few months down the track to have one 'night off' from recovery at a reunion...the hell with it, I was never physically addicted - I can drink tonight and return to teetotalism tomorrow..
It took me nearly 3 years to get back to recovery.
I think you're in grave danger (no pun intended) of confusing abstinence for control.
Life is good and you're untroubled by obsession because you're abstinent and alcohol, is no longer part of your life - not because you've suddenly developed control.
If you reintroduce alcohol into your life I'm willing to bet you'll soon find yourself back at the place you were or worse.
why am I saying all this when you're adamant you're not going back to drinking?
well partly because this is the sense in which your post makes no sense - why worry about what kind of drinker you were if you're never going to drink again?
Partly because even if you decide it's not applicable to you, it maybe useful to other readers.
The other reason is, as I said...I've heard the spiel in my own head, I know where that took me, and I've lived the journey back to square one.
Hopefully you're a lot sharper than I was.
Be careful, ok?
'Real alcoholic' or not, physically addicted or not, I drank enough to kill myself.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 242
Originally Posted by thomas11
I drank because I could, and for the most part I liked it. But I knew I could not continue, and the couple benders I had were going to kill me if I did continue.
Originally Posted by Dee74
I think you're in grave danger (no pun intended) of confusing abstinence for control.
Originally Posted by Dee74
If you reintroduce alcohol into your life I'm willing to bet you'll soon find yourself back at the place you were or worse.
Originally Posted by Dee74
well partly because this is the sense in which your post makes no sense - why worry about what kind of drinker you were if you're never going to drink again?
(As an aside, I wanted to point out that, strictly speaking, it is only in retrospect, i.e., after death, that you can say "I quit drinking." You can be sober for, say, ten years, then relapse, and then it'll no longer make sense to say that you quit. All anyone can really say in the moment is "I'm in the process of quitting." You've only "successfully quit" when you die, because it is only at that point that relapse is no longer possible, thus you've successfully quit. As long as you're alive, the possibility of relapse, no matter how remote, exists.)
-----------
Day 88
Feeling good today, honestly. Good mood, good energy. The weather would've been perfect today had it been sunny instead of overcast (perhaps a bit drier too).
We'll see what this weekend has in store.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,460
All that is fair enough TG.
Interestingly I used to follow the I can only say I've quit for good in retrospect school but I know myself well enough now and I've been through enough to convince me that remaining sober is a viable option no matter what happens to me.
I'm more than happy to proclaim I've quit for good.
Be interesting to see how you feel on that at 9 years too
D
Interestingly I used to follow the I can only say I've quit for good in retrospect school but I know myself well enough now and I've been through enough to convince me that remaining sober is a viable option no matter what happens to me.
I'm more than happy to proclaim I've quit for good.
Be interesting to see how you feel on that at 9 years too
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 242
Originally Posted by Dee74
All that is fair enough TG.
Interestingly I used to follow the I can only say I've quit for good in retrospect school but I know myself well enough now and I've been through enough to convince me that remaining sober is a viable option no matter what happens to me.
I'm more than happy to proclaim I've quit for good.
Be interesting to see how you feel on that at 9 years too
D
Interestingly I used to follow the I can only say I've quit for good in retrospect school but I know myself well enough now and I've been through enough to convince me that remaining sober is a viable option no matter what happens to me.
I'm more than happy to proclaim I've quit for good.
Be interesting to see how you feel on that at 9 years too
D
I agree. It's definitely because you have way more time under your belt. I'm still a newbie. Nine years seem like an eternity to me, perhaps because I'm only 22, and perhaps because this is the longest I've gone, so my perception of time is definitely altered.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
TG said: "All anyone can really say in the moment is "I'm in the process of quitting." You've only "successfully quit" when you die, because it is only at that point that relapse is no longer possible, thus you've successfully quit. As long as you're alive, the possibility of relapse, no matter how remote, exists.)"
Hey TG, take this with a grain of salt as its coming from a guy who grew up in fly-over country of Minnesota (but also the home of Prince). You are wise beyond your years. But that doesn't surprise me from a kid who grew up in New York. You're doing great, and I am glad to contribute (minimally) to this thread each day.
Hey TG, take this with a grain of salt as its coming from a guy who grew up in fly-over country of Minnesota (but also the home of Prince). You are wise beyond your years. But that doesn't surprise me from a kid who grew up in New York. You're doing great, and I am glad to contribute (minimally) to this thread each day.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,460
Originally Posted by TorchedGrave
Haha touché.
I agree. It's definitely because you have way more time under your belt. I'm still a newbie. Nine years seem like an eternity to me, perhaps because I'm only 22, and perhaps because this is the longest I've gone, so my perception of time is definitely altered.
I agree. It's definitely because you have way more time under your belt. I'm still a newbie. Nine years seem like an eternity to me, perhaps because I'm only 22, and perhaps because this is the longest I've gone, so my perception of time is definitely altered.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 242
Day 89
So the plan for this morning was to take my bike out for a ride. It was drizzling a bit, but I went through thinking that it'd stop soon. A few miles later, my bike was soaked, and my brakes were becoming dangerously useless. I decide to head back home, assuming that if I were to continue, my bike (and I) would only get wetter, making riding (in my case) more risky. So I start to head back, and as I'm making this turn, this ******* decides to run in front of me so that he can save two seconds crossing the street. I of course had to brake in order to avoid hitting him (remember my brakes weren't really that great), so my bike skids, and my rear tire takes a huge hit into a pothole. I immediately felt something was off. My bike felt a bit wobbly and unstable. I essentially had to ride back home like a snail. Long story short, I took my bike to the local ship to true the wheel, but it turns out the rim itself (as I had expected) had taken some damage. After truing, it was safe to ride, but I've been much more cautious while riding, which actually sucks because I can't freely ride/speed like I normally would (and so it's less of a workout). I'll keep an eye out for now, but worse comes to worst, I'll have to replace the rim/wheel. So that kind of ruined my day haha.
Aside from that, things are pretty good. I'm definitely looking forward to the next week in particular, for a very specific reason. A little background: I grew up in a Coptic Orthodox household. Church has definitely been a huge part of my life, for better or for worse, which is ironic because I'm an atheist. Church for me definitely has more to do with the culture than anything else. It's pretty much where I grew up; it's where I made most of my friends; and it's a place that's associated with a lot of fond memories. Having said that, next week is Easter on the Coptic Orthodox calendar, meaning this upcoming week is Holy Week, which has always been my favorite time in church (primarily for the hymns and stuff).
(Nice number tomorrow).
So the plan for this morning was to take my bike out for a ride. It was drizzling a bit, but I went through thinking that it'd stop soon. A few miles later, my bike was soaked, and my brakes were becoming dangerously useless. I decide to head back home, assuming that if I were to continue, my bike (and I) would only get wetter, making riding (in my case) more risky. So I start to head back, and as I'm making this turn, this ******* decides to run in front of me so that he can save two seconds crossing the street. I of course had to brake in order to avoid hitting him (remember my brakes weren't really that great), so my bike skids, and my rear tire takes a huge hit into a pothole. I immediately felt something was off. My bike felt a bit wobbly and unstable. I essentially had to ride back home like a snail. Long story short, I took my bike to the local ship to true the wheel, but it turns out the rim itself (as I had expected) had taken some damage. After truing, it was safe to ride, but I've been much more cautious while riding, which actually sucks because I can't freely ride/speed like I normally would (and so it's less of a workout). I'll keep an eye out for now, but worse comes to worst, I'll have to replace the rim/wheel. So that kind of ruined my day haha.
Aside from that, things are pretty good. I'm definitely looking forward to the next week in particular, for a very specific reason. A little background: I grew up in a Coptic Orthodox household. Church has definitely been a huge part of my life, for better or for worse, which is ironic because I'm an atheist. Church for me definitely has more to do with the culture than anything else. It's pretty much where I grew up; it's where I made most of my friends; and it's a place that's associated with a lot of fond memories. Having said that, next week is Easter on the Coptic Orthodox calendar, meaning this upcoming week is Holy Week, which has always been my favorite time in church (primarily for the hymns and stuff).
(Nice number tomorrow).
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,460
Sorry about that TG.
Some kid ran into my scooter yesterday with a shopping cart - left a huge scratch.
I'm not happy but the kid was just a kid and he's ok, I'm ok, and the thing still runs - I'll try and fix the scratch - I might learn something
D
Some kid ran into my scooter yesterday with a shopping cart - left a huge scratch.
I'm not happy but the kid was just a kid and he's ok, I'm ok, and the thing still runs - I'll try and fix the scratch - I might learn something
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 242
Day 90
Glad to report that I reduced the tire pressure in both tires, and now things are running smoothly. So far so good. Plus I found this cool app (Strava) that tracks and logs my trips, including speed, distance, elevation, moving time, etc. Best part is that it doesn't require data. I used it this morning and definitely look forward to continue using it henceforth.
By the way, I know it's a bit early to a post a Day 90 as if it were over, but I know that I won't be drinking today haha. Dee was right.
Cheers y'all.
Glad to report that I reduced the tire pressure in both tires, and now things are running smoothly. So far so good. Plus I found this cool app (Strava) that tracks and logs my trips, including speed, distance, elevation, moving time, etc. Best part is that it doesn't require data. I used it this morning and definitely look forward to continue using it henceforth.
By the way, I know it's a bit early to a post a Day 90 as if it were over, but I know that I won't be drinking today haha. Dee was right.
Cheers y'all.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Originally Posted by TorchedGrave
Hah yes. Stay positive, which is hard because now I'm getting paranoid that something will happen and I'll die (because I don't wear a helmet, and don't plan to change that).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 242
Originally Posted by thomas11
TG, do you care to elaborate on this? Just curious.
P.S. I just got my first ticket for not having a "bell/signal device" on my bike. How silly is that? To be honest, though, the cop was cool because he had every right to give me a much larger fine for riding in the opposite direction (which I was guilty of), but "let me off easy." What I found extremely amusing was how he was almost subtly suggesting that it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if I didn't pay the damn thing. He didn't even bother to write my license number on the ticket (which I don't know if matters).
Funny stuff.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I see. At first glance I interpreted your fear as an "irrational" fear of death type thing. But I get it now. Glad your bike is ok.
The ticket thing sucks, don't get me started on "authority". I'm allergic to authority.
The ticket thing sucks, don't get me started on "authority". I'm allergic to authority.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 242
Originally Posted by thomas11
I see. At first glance I interpreted your fear as an "irrational" fear of death type thing. But I get it now. Glad your bike is ok.
The ticket thing sucks, don't get me started on "authority". I'm allergic to authority.
The ticket thing sucks, don't get me started on "authority". I'm allergic to authority.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
