Venecia

ArtFriend.

Do you recognize the pattern here that others do? This is not the first time you've posted and then taken umbrage at the honest -- and kind -- feedback others provided, with comments along the lines of with comments such as "I wish hadn't even posted." I've been on the receiving end of a PM from you -- got it loud and clear -- which is why, as you may have noticed, I have not responded to threads you initiate for a long time.

Your struggle has been characterized by two points: 1) A reluctance to take alcohol off the table that has evolved into intransigence. That strikes me as atypical of the experiences commonly shared on SR; it's usually the other way around. 2) A recurring theme that whatever happens, your accountability is second to that of others -- or that it rests solely with others -- who somehow exacerbate things, either here or IRL. A post not too long ago about an IOP intake worker is an example.

You've gotten tough love, subtle hints, enthusiastic attagirls and anything else this community can offer. You need to step up to the plate. Alcoholics cannot drink. Period. They also have to be the captain of their own ship -- the rest of us are supportive deckhands who are responsible for our own recoveries.

This thread offers you some of SR at its finest -- smart observations from people who have no vested interest in your life, except that they believe wholly and with a generosity of spirit that they want others, including you, to experience what we have: a life free of addiction to alcohol.

I hope that you'll chill for a couple of days and then take every post here to heart. Read them over and over again. You need to make real, honest changes in your life -- and your outlook. And I hope you do, I really hope so. Because there is a better life waiting for you.

Upon edit: I've been away from SR for a couple days and was reading posts chronologically. ArtFriend says she is stepping away from SR; I wish her well.

trachemys

Ok, a little love all around, OK? Hugs

Nuudawn

Gosh..I REALLY wish I had the time to read this whole thread...alas, my internet time is limited here at the public library. Forgive me, as this may have already been addressed in some fashion or another... the whole concept of "whether or not we are alcoholic".
I'm fresh off relapse. Two weeks sober today. And only time will tell as to whether or not "I'm done drinkin yet"...
What I do know, is that I spent enough time hanging about AA meetings to convince myself "I wasn't like THEM..I wasn't ALCOHOLIC"..ya ya ya ya..whatever. And maybe I'm not. It doesn't even matter to me anymore..what my friggin' label is anymore...what I do know is...

I can go from dignified ...to idiot over the course of an evening drinking. I got a gazillion neural pathways that wanna take me from first drink to euphoria to black out...sooner or later. The wiring is in there with decades of circuitry..

Yep, I can get away with having a couple drinks here and there... but ya know what, I don't like me drinking. The fact I think I need it...baffles my mind. In sobriety I realize I am lonely. I need some friends and connections and relationships...
Ya know why? Cuz I have used "booze" as my friend or as something to do or a way to cope or laugh or cry or smile or whatever for the bulk of my adult life.
It ain't an easy relationship to let go of... but I have in inkling, there is way more out there to discover if I didn't keep thinking it held answers.

Doesn't matter the label or definition... it's a shortcut road to nowhere. Finding real adventure and friendship and stimulation takes effort...
Easier said than done...I get it.
Boy do I get it.

ArtFriend

One last thought.

I am on my own as are all of us. Good night

Marcher13

No you're not Art, on a rough count I estimate that seventy people contributed to this thread. I'll guarantee that at least double that number read and simply didn't know what to add, that's a lot of people who care about you and what happens to you.

If you mean that we are on your screen yes, we are, but we are real and we are here for you.

You're only on your own if you choose to be.

Carlotta

I really don't see what you were hoping to accomplish with your OP and what kind of feedback you were expecting to get.
If you can have a couple of glasses of wine here and there, then good for you and by all means enjoy it: that's what normal people do.
No need to obsess about the whys, how much and how and no need to broadcast it to the world.
Just have a drink here and there and live your life.

If at some point you realize you can't handle it then you already have an account on SR and you will find support if you decide to abstain from alcohol and other mind altering substances.

You are an adult: it's your life, your choices and your consequences. No one can force you to drink and no one can stop you from drinking.

Good luck to you on whatever path you chose.

MythOfSisyphus

I hope you're okay, AF.

Stratman1

Not much to say AF other than it sounds like you are taking a tour of Denial? I'm not referring to any river in Egypt, just a thought...

Lol to that Dee. Occasionally I read something on these forum's and think to myself 'wow, that is exactly like I was'. And it usually from you.


Quick anecdote: I was on a train the other day and the guy comes along with his refreshments trolley. I asked him how much were the tiny bottles of OJ? 3 beans...

'Man F' that' said I, on principle you know. Do you want anything else he said, beer? I wasn't expecting it. 'Sherry?' he goes, I was in shock now. "Whiskey?" he asked.

I said: man, will you relax. You would not like to see that lemme tell you True enough. Hope everyone is well. AF, be well.

TroyW

*puts hand up*

I have no advice, as you guys are a lot more experienced than me. Art, we may not know each other, but we do share this planet at the same period in time, so please know I do listen, and do care.

Olivia2011

I'm sorry I took the extended time to read this thread. Art, sounds like you are going to go for it so go for it. See if you can moderate with wine and see how long it takes to lead you back to full blown vodka and/or beer. I don't mean to be mean but..... Sounds like you want the thread to cease anyway. Good luck to you and I sincerely mean this.

Nonsensical

Strange. My AV said the same thing just the other day.

He's a liar, though. He just wants to isolate me. I'm easier to control that way.

PurpleKnight

Hey Art, nothing good comes from isolation, I went round and round that merry-go-round for well over a year, got the T-Shirt and kept finding myself at the bottom of a bottle!!

There isn't a day that I don't log onto SR and tell someone from somewhere in the world about the importance of support, if SR did bumper stickers I'd recommend that's what we should be putting on them, because my addiction can sell me anything it wants to, fairytales, myths, lies, what does it matter if I don't have something to counter balance what it's telling me? selling ice to Eskimos would be child's play.

That's what were up against, and it's not something to take lightly when it can be a matter of life and death, SR is a fantastic resource, day or night we can get a different perspective on things, support at the touch of a button!!

strategery

We are. We are also on our own as to whether we get sober or not or pick up that drink. However, there is support here if you want to quit drinking. That support can help when you want to pick up that first drink, when you are unsure what to do, and in committing to sobriety.

Considering you have been worried about the effects of drinking on your health, quitting drinking can put your mind at peace about this. I used to worry about this as well and it's been a blessing not to worry about this all the time.

Additionally, considering you have been having such a difficult time quitting, it suggests the alcohol is more of a problem than what you would care or like to admit. I really hope to see you back here soon.

Mountainmanbob

sometimes we deceive ourselves for a short while only to find out in the long run we have burned ourselves yet again

MM

DoubleDragons

I don't like the label "alcoholic". I never have. I think it means different things to different people. All that I know is that I have a list in my sobriety journal of every horrifying, embarrassing, painful, "wish I could take back" moments in my life and without exception, they all involved me drinking too much alcohol. Since quitting drinking almost 2 years ago, I haven't come close to adding to that list. Now, the rub is, not every time that I drank did I add to that list. No, in fact, after every one of those soul dampening events, I would really taper my drinking, start new rules and tricks that would last for a while, only to "prove to myself" that I really didn't have a problem. I see my alcoholic mom doing that now. For half of the family events this past year, she was in great shape. Charming, sober, fun. Then she went off the deep end with my niece on a trip to NYC and Christmas was a total disaster as she got hammered before anyone even arrived. She has never even tried to get sober ever. The alcoholic mindf#ck will take over, as it always does. I know. I have experienced it. Because she was able to contain herself on Easter, that is proof that she doesn't have a problem. Two months later, after drinking too much, she takes a terrible fall in a very public way and breaks her heel.

Deal is for me, call me whatever you want to call me, I am done gambling. I am done sharing control of my mind with a poisonous, empty calorie, sugar laden, expensive substance that gives very little in return, but yet has the ability to take so much away.

Nonsensical

I think that's an amazingly good analogy DD. Mainly because drinking is such a bad bet. What is the value of what you can win if things don't end horribly? What is the value of what you can lose if they do end horribly? It's like betting $1,000,000 to win $1. The risk-reward ratio is all out of whack. When you're caught up in the addiction's web that can be hard to see.

tomsteve

When I was drinking, I truly ended up on my own.
Then I got sober and got INTO recovery.
I'm NEVER on my own any more.

And neither are you IF you get INTO recovery.

fini

oh AF,
the very responses all over this thread do so belie this and i so wish you could feel that. you're surrounded by people who care enough to be here in this place with you.

where you are on your own is in the place where you need to make the turn.

DitzyDandelion

I was thinking something very similar DD. There are tons of times I had a drink and it didn't go horribly wrong. I was always oddly proud of myself after. I know full well that letting drunk me run the show for a while always carries huge risks. Risks to myself to my friendships to my bank balance and to others. Ones which I am not willing to take.

Soberpotamus

I hear mostly loneliness and sadness in this, ArtFriend.

It is true ... in a sense, we are alone. Coming into and going out of this world. Right?

But in the meantime, you can find comfort in others who've walked a similar path. And we are those people

So, when you are ready, come on back.

It takes a brave person to keep going despite the existential angst and utter aloneness some of us have felt at some point in our lives.

And above all, I think it mostly just requires a determination and persistence.