Tang

I think that normies don't have to count drinks or build plans about which type of alcohol they will drink this week. My boss said to me last week it just occurred to him he hadn't drank in two weeks when someone else was talking about going to a bar. Meaning, the thought of alcohol doesn't cross their minds daily like alcoholics.

I am not lecturing you. Maybe I'm lecturing me more than you

ArtFriend

Not really "tortured" per se. I am just rethinking everything. You cannot buy liquor in Texas on Sundays...just beer and wine (I don't get it, but that is the law). That is how I ended up buying the wine, instead of vodka. So it wasn't as if I was "planning to see if I could moderate". I just noticed that I DID moderate with the wine. It was pure chance. I dunno... maybe I am really not an alcoholic??

Thanks for all your responses everyone! I have more to consider for sure.

EndGameNYC

And there it is.

ArtFriend

I knew if I said that I would get push back. I will have to judge for myself right? After all...I am the only one who really knows who I am, despite what people may think.

thenewguy

Why not just quit drinking for good? Why continue to poke and prod around the boundaries?

I've been at it for 22 months, and it's not that bad of a life. Give yourself a chance to be the strongest, sober version of yourself.

Kind regards..

dwtbd

Exactly, it's you who decides. maybe you are. If you choose to not consume alcohol, what difference does it make?

silentrun

It's right AF that you are the one that needs to accept it. I can't tell you what you're thinking right now isn't real. Consider what you are risking on a maybe.

Tang

Normal drinkers aren't posting on recovery websites... Just saying.

Littlebear

Hi art friend. Long time since we spoke onhere...

You saw from my own thread earlier today that i too have been drinking... So there's no judgement of you here from me.

I am coming though to the belief that if we spend time considering/planning what drink we might or might not switch to, or how we can make it span over a longer time, etc...this very preoccupation signals (to me anyway) that I have a problem with alcohol. Full stop. It feels to me a great whopping clue....

From my own introspection lately about drinking, i'm learning that whatever planning i do, whatever talking about it that i engage in - related to alcohol, the real job for me is to learn to handle differently those moments where the inevitable 'tug' to drink arises - that longing for the alcohol that can come from the very depths of yourself.

I am still struggling with this myself...but offer you something of my own growing insight only in hope it may help. LB

Aellyce

I agree with most of the posts here so won't get into that myself. Instead... one thing that first came to mind reading this was "what does AF expect from this thread and discussion"? Don't get me wrong, I am not suggesting you should not have posted. Just wondering what might be going on in your mind, whether you are aware of it or not, while you are discussing this. Like you said, "more to consider" I guess.

Nowsthetime

Hi darling:

I am an alcoholic and I never drank mouthwash.

I agree with Silentrum that you are getting the "not that bads". Your AV is taking over. Drinking less doesn't really mean anything because you have the rest of your life and if you keep it up you probably will end up over doing it again. Normies do not think about moderation. In my experience it was exhausting at it really didn't work I always ended up overdoing it eventually... And it $ucked!

You say "maybe I'm not an alcoholic?" Only you can answer that. Who is your behavior going to affect? You. What we post is solely based in what you tell us so take it for what it is. We all want to see you succeed. I assure you that. We wish you weren't struggling.

Please be objective and try to get outside yourself when you're having this internal conversation. Read a AVRT and try to recognize it. In the end it is all up to you and you can do it.

Sending you hugs!

SoberLeigh

As always, I applaud your honesty, accountability and straight-forwardness, ArtFriend.

When we switch versions of our poisons, it is really just another attempt at moderation - hoping that we will find balance or success. For me, any form of moderation never worked and I found myself slipping, eventually and usually quickly, into the same abyss.

Acknowledging and accepting my alcoholism was key for me.

Complete and total abstinence is my only option.

EndGameNYC

You've stated your case in the form of a logical fallacy that has little to do with what's going on here. The fact that no one has disproved or can disprove that you're the only one who knows who you really are does not mean that this statement is true. This is sometimes known as an appeal to ignorance.

Professional athletes can know things about their peers that they may not know themselves. Physicians can know things about doctors-in-training that the trainees do now know. I don't need to know everything about any one of my students to know that they are poor students or outstanding students, even when they're not aware of either. I don't need to know everything about a particular patient I'm treating, or to know who she "really" is, in order to help her. Alcoholics in recovery can know things about other alcoholics that they themselves do not know. This is, in fact, an important element in helping others to achieve sobriety.

My concern is that you may look back on this thread down the line and wish that you'd paid more attention to what's going on.

WritingFromLife

AF---maybe think of it this way--they didn't have Vodka, so I got wine. They didn't have wine so I got beer. They didn't have beer so I got mouthwash. They didn't have mouthwash so I got sterno.

I KNOW this is extreme.....and I know I personally would be the reverse of what you are saying--I love wine. If they are out of wine, I got Vodka. I eventually loved that, too; however, I wouldn't touch Sambucca or Jaggermeister. Absolutely hated those. Now I wonder, if I continued, would I hit those also?

And yes, the fact that I am even HAVING this conversation in my head indicates a problem.

Substitute "broccoli" for vodka and "asparagus" for wine, and see if what I am saying makes any sense. This is a hard one for me to convey to ME, let alone anyone else!

Hugs!

Verte

"Tenure is overrated."

This week I can make this statement in the presence of anyone, sit back and expect that peace is maintained. Last week I could make the statement, sit back and know that a maelstrom would ensue. The only difference between this and last week is my geographic location and audience. Which begs a billion questions.

Hope you are doing OK, ArtFriend.

Saskia

(((AF)))! I can only speak for myself: I didn't drink more than a single glass of red wine in a day and so I thought I had found the answer. That only lasted for awhile and then I was right back at it. Probably a brain thing. I did think that I had found a "more satisfactory" answer but in my case changing drinks only resulted in a rather brief pause.

ArtFriend

Wow... so much input I am not sure who to respond to. Lots of valid points. I get what you are saying WritingFromLife. It was the fact that I bought wine that is the central point.

And Tang -yes, normal drinkers usually don't post on recovery websites.

Aellyce - what was I thinking when I posted? Well, I actually thought all week about posting this, but refrained until I could deal with the comments. I am not looking for praise, vindication, or anything like that. I know that when people admit to indulging in their addiction here that people will attempt to offer criticism and support. That is what this place is about.

I have yet to totally stop drinking and I have declared this many times on the site. I am not trying to hide anything or mitigate my behavior. I have, however, reduced my consumption quite a bit since I joined almost a year ago now.

So... I know that the only way to recover for an alcoholic is total abstinence. I get it. I am not totally abstinent. I have moderated over time. So, am I an alcoholic? That is what I am rethinking here. I feel as if people are telling me that I AM an alcoholic, no ifs ands or buts. But I feel that if I have successfully moderated down, than I must not be one. I am not talking about the week of wine either... I mean that over all, since Aug 2014, I have really reduced the drinking by 80% at least.

ArtFriend

Thanks Verte. I didn't quite understand what you said here. But it sounds good!

2muchpain

ArtFriend, I've been down the road your on many times, but it always led me back to heavy drinking. I would switch to something I don't usually drink, and do fine for maybe a few weeks, but eventually something happens, and I'm back to picking up bottles of vodka. I don't know why this happens, but it always does. Of course, everybody is different so maybe your situation will have different results. Just be real careful. That switch in your head can turn on in a heartbeat. Best not to play with it IMHO. John

ArtFriend

Thanks everyone again for the encouragement.