This new sober life
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
Originally Posted by Angie247 
Changing my routine is something that I'm going to do, it's something that I've given passing thoughts to but it needs to be done.
Have you read The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg?
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
I've just read your whole thread, Angie247!!!
Well done! And good for you exerting your sober muscles!
Knowing the cravings will return and preparing for victory is a victory in itself.
I love your plan for a celebratory manicure; every time you look at your beautiful nails you will have a reminder of how far you have come!
Well done! And good for you exerting your sober muscles!
Knowing the cravings will return and preparing for victory is a victory in itself.
I love your plan for a celebratory manicure; every time you look at your beautiful nails you will have a reminder of how far you have come!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 283
you are doing brilliantly. it does get easier, i promise.
i'm nearly 15 months sober now and my life is awesome. i never, ever thought i'd get free of the booze. your thread has reminded me why we do this. thank you, and stay close.
i'm nearly 15 months sober now and my life is awesome. i never, ever thought i'd get free of the booze. your thread has reminded me why we do this. thank you, and stay close.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: California
Posts: 2,435
*This post has details of abuse so PLEASE don't read further if that will upset or trigger you in any way*
78 days sober. Yay and no real cravings for alcohol since last Friday. I'm doing okay in that aspect. I'm just having anger towards my ex husband and myself. I'm remembering a lot of the abuse that I went through when I was with him. He recently went off on me in a text for something stupid and it wasn't even true and it has brought back a lot of memories that I have tried to forget. Him screaming me at me so close that I could feel the spit coming on me, the bruises he left on me, and me cowering in a corner crying and sometimes locking the bedroom door so he couldn't come in. We had two separate bedrooms. I would often put a dresser up against the door too. He broke part of the door one time but he didn't get in. I gave him thousands of my own money to start a business that never really materialized and I had to file for bankruptcy. .
He would get so angry at me because I would stay silent a lot but anything i said was ridiculed, or made fun of so I just took it silently. He would often go out in my car (his got repossessed) for the weekend and stay gone. Why did I stay so long? I thought that I deserved it. He would call me lazy, stupid and make fun of how I looked. Often telling me as I left for work that I looked homeless. He would get so mad after coming home from a weekend partying and if the place wasn't spotless then he would fly into a rage. Mind you, I had a baby at home that I took care of by myself and I had been tired from working 40+ hours a week. He did not work then. I'm not a perfect person by any stretch but nobody should ever be abused. Police had been called to our apartment more than once by neighbors who heard him screaming at me. I turned to alcohol. It made things better in my opinion. I would often drink a lot before I knew he would be coming home so I could be comfortably numb. I'm not blaming him at all for my drinking. I did that to myself. What I should have done was left but I thought I had no place to go and I believed him when he said he could take my son away from me. After all I was garbage (his words.) I came home one day to find a young girl in my apartment. I found out later he had used my debit card earlier for a hotel room for the two of them. She was a 19 year old go go dancer. They were not doing anything but my 2 year old son was there. I told the girl that she was free to have him but if she came around my son again then there would be issues.
The following night he got mad at me for being mean to the girl and shoved me out of the apartment and slammed my phone on the ground. The phone didn't work at first but it started up again after I removed the battery and put it back in. I walked the street for 30 minutes at night crying and not knowing what to do. The thought of suicide came to mind and it was actually something that sounded wonderful to me. Another thought went in my head. Your son just saw you being manhandled and thrown out and he is scared and needs you. This is what your son sees almost every night, his dad being mean to his mommie. I can remember with that thought going down on my knees on the sidewalk. I called a friend from work (a guy) and he was coming over and little did I know he called the police too. I could have called a few girlfriends but I needed a male's presence with me. By this time my ex husband had texted me to come back because our son was wanting me. Shortly, my friend was there and with my friend who I loved as a brother I ordered my ex out with a police officer there and I filed for divorce the next day.
Later I got mad because I should have left the first time he put my hands on me and I could have saved years of abuse. I went and got tested for STD's and HIV which were all thankfully negative. I re did the HIV a couple of times before I knew it could take a while to show and it has always been negative. We went through lawyers, that was a process and I got full custody but he had visitation. He was ordered mandatory counseling and also for me. I'm mostly angry at myself for staying for so long and putting up with it. One factor is that I had been abused as a child by someone who rode on the same bus as me. This went on for 7 years and I was the very last person to get off the bus. My ex husband later said he would have never gotten involved with me if he knew this because he had to deal with the aftermath of what happened to me. Can you believe that?
I have a lot of anger towards myself and that's why I'm starting therapy again. All that was 5 years ago but I kept drinking until 78 days ago. I started drinking a lot when it was approved that my ex husband could have more time with my son. I never did stop after the divorce though. That's something that shames me a great deal. My son does not remember me being abused and I'm very grateful for that. The only thing I 've asked if he remembers when mommie and daddy lived together and he says he doesn't. How do I forgive myself for continuing to drink? I said it was okay because it's not like I would pass out or anything but it wasn't okay. I'm sorry this is so long but it kinda feels good to get this out. It's been bottling up for a long time and I want to be free of it.
78 days sober. Yay and no real cravings for alcohol since last Friday. I'm doing okay in that aspect. I'm just having anger towards my ex husband and myself. I'm remembering a lot of the abuse that I went through when I was with him. He recently went off on me in a text for something stupid and it wasn't even true and it has brought back a lot of memories that I have tried to forget. Him screaming me at me so close that I could feel the spit coming on me, the bruises he left on me, and me cowering in a corner crying and sometimes locking the bedroom door so he couldn't come in. We had two separate bedrooms. I would often put a dresser up against the door too. He broke part of the door one time but he didn't get in. I gave him thousands of my own money to start a business that never really materialized and I had to file for bankruptcy. .
He would get so angry at me because I would stay silent a lot but anything i said was ridiculed, or made fun of so I just took it silently. He would often go out in my car (his got repossessed) for the weekend and stay gone. Why did I stay so long? I thought that I deserved it. He would call me lazy, stupid and make fun of how I looked. Often telling me as I left for work that I looked homeless. He would get so mad after coming home from a weekend partying and if the place wasn't spotless then he would fly into a rage. Mind you, I had a baby at home that I took care of by myself and I had been tired from working 40+ hours a week. He did not work then. I'm not a perfect person by any stretch but nobody should ever be abused. Police had been called to our apartment more than once by neighbors who heard him screaming at me. I turned to alcohol. It made things better in my opinion. I would often drink a lot before I knew he would be coming home so I could be comfortably numb. I'm not blaming him at all for my drinking. I did that to myself. What I should have done was left but I thought I had no place to go and I believed him when he said he could take my son away from me. After all I was garbage (his words.) I came home one day to find a young girl in my apartment. I found out later he had used my debit card earlier for a hotel room for the two of them. She was a 19 year old go go dancer. They were not doing anything but my 2 year old son was there. I told the girl that she was free to have him but if she came around my son again then there would be issues.
The following night he got mad at me for being mean to the girl and shoved me out of the apartment and slammed my phone on the ground. The phone didn't work at first but it started up again after I removed the battery and put it back in. I walked the street for 30 minutes at night crying and not knowing what to do. The thought of suicide came to mind and it was actually something that sounded wonderful to me. Another thought went in my head. Your son just saw you being manhandled and thrown out and he is scared and needs you. This is what your son sees almost every night, his dad being mean to his mommie. I can remember with that thought going down on my knees on the sidewalk. I called a friend from work (a guy) and he was coming over and little did I know he called the police too. I could have called a few girlfriends but I needed a male's presence with me. By this time my ex husband had texted me to come back because our son was wanting me. Shortly, my friend was there and with my friend who I loved as a brother I ordered my ex out with a police officer there and I filed for divorce the next day.
Later I got mad because I should have left the first time he put my hands on me and I could have saved years of abuse. I went and got tested for STD's and HIV which were all thankfully negative. I re did the HIV a couple of times before I knew it could take a while to show and it has always been negative. We went through lawyers, that was a process and I got full custody but he had visitation. He was ordered mandatory counseling and also for me. I'm mostly angry at myself for staying for so long and putting up with it. One factor is that I had been abused as a child by someone who rode on the same bus as me. This went on for 7 years and I was the very last person to get off the bus. My ex husband later said he would have never gotten involved with me if he knew this because he had to deal with the aftermath of what happened to me. Can you believe that?
I have a lot of anger towards myself and that's why I'm starting therapy again. All that was 5 years ago but I kept drinking until 78 days ago. I started drinking a lot when it was approved that my ex husband could have more time with my son. I never did stop after the divorce though. That's something that shames me a great deal. My son does not remember me being abused and I'm very grateful for that. The only thing I 've asked if he remembers when mommie and daddy lived together and he says he doesn't. How do I forgive myself for continuing to drink? I said it was okay because it's not like I would pass out or anything but it wasn't okay. I'm sorry this is so long but it kinda feels good to get this out. It's been bottling up for a long time and I want to be free of it.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Oh Angie247, my heart goes out to you. I hope you can find a way to forgive yourself. 
You have 78 glorious sober days to be very proud of. You are doing for your son.
I hope you find peace.
You have 78 glorious sober days to be very proud of. You are doing for your son.
I hope you find peace.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Spain
Posts: 2,004
Oh, Angie! What can I say? You are an example of a tower of strength. Please don't be angry with yourself. The best thing you can do for your son is seek inner peace.
I know a thing or two about abuse. It takes real guts to put out there what you did in your last post. All I see from my angle is a brave woman who fought her way out of a corner the best way she could and is now actively dealing with her issues. I wish you could feel proud of your achievements instead of anger at your mistakes. It's easy to have 20/20/hindsight. Any abusive relationship attacks self-esteem yet it is only when you recover that that you become whole again.
Be kind to yourself. You are amazing.
I know a thing or two about abuse. It takes real guts to put out there what you did in your last post. All I see from my angle is a brave woman who fought her way out of a corner the best way she could and is now actively dealing with her issues. I wish you could feel proud of your achievements instead of anger at your mistakes. It's easy to have 20/20/hindsight. Any abusive relationship attacks self-esteem yet it is only when you recover that that you become whole again.
Be kind to yourself. You are amazing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Missouri
Posts: 515
Angie - I think you are a pillar of strength. It's very difficult to get out of abusive relationships especially when there is a child involved. You try to think they are gonna change or that your son needs a "family". Your situation was really bad. Hey you did it. You divorced his a**. And your sober. And you went out as a family and got along. Years fly by and this stuff happens unfortunately. I'm so glad you are/were smart enough to get out of it. Many aren't. So try to pull the positives out of the whole darn mess. There's some in there!
Good luck to you. I hate to hear stories like this but I'm so darn glad you were strong enough to get out of it. Nobody needs a guy like that. So glad your son was too young to really catch it.
Olivia
Good luck to you. I hate to hear stories like this but I'm so darn glad you were strong enough to get out of it. Nobody needs a guy like that. So glad your son was too young to really catch it.
Olivia
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: California
Posts: 2,435
Thank you everyone so much. I'm going to my EAP therapist next week. It's free and I went a few times previously but it has been a while. I have a lot to talk about. I woke up about 3:30 this morning freaking out about this post and I kind of wish that I hadn't posted it until I read the kind and supportive responses. Having gone to sleep at midnight, then I couldn't go back to sleep so I'm very tired. I haven't told a lot of people all that and never online. I'm sorry if it was too much. I managed 10 hours at work today (yay for overtime) on about 3 and a half hours of sleep. It will be 80 days sober tomorrow, and I'm happy about that. I'm not sure about posting as much anymore because I don't feel like what I'm saying is really helping anyone. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting peoples time. Maybe I'm just exhausted, emotional and I just need to sleep. My son is sleeping next to the super kitty. We're going to see the minion movie this weekend. Well, maybe the super kitty will have to wait until it's on dvd. 
Thank you all so much for your support. <3
Thank you all so much for your support. <3
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Missouri
Posts: 515
Angie - I'm glad you posted. Always good to have support of any kind I think. It all kicked into your drinking so don't feel that's it's irrelevant or anything like that. It's a lot to share and I hope it helped a lot. God didn't put me on this earth to judge so I just don't! Don't regret it one minute.
Remember, he's the piece of dirt, not you.
My daughter went to therapy once and said it opened more wounds than she wanted opened! Close that door. Move on to a new life. You've got a great start!
I'm very proud of you!
Olivia
Remember, he's the piece of dirt, not you.
My daughter went to therapy once and said it opened more wounds than she wanted opened! Close that door. Move on to a new life. You've got a great start!
I'm very proud of you!
Olivia
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: deepest england
Posts: 1,119
Thanks for you posts, they really show how strong you are, and give me inspiration that I could be sober for 80 days too.... I don't have that kind of stuff going on thankfully, I just like the booze to much and its wrecking my life, so its gotto go.... well done on your efforts!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2015
Location: California
Posts: 2,435
Feeling great this weekend. I made up for the lack of sleep Friday night and slept a good 9 hours last night. I made cinnamon roll this morning. They're the simple kind in the pillsbury can, but I always flinch while trying to pop open the tube that they are in, lol. The first ones at the front turned out perfect and the ones at the back came out a little burnt on the bottom and I couldn't get them out looking as nice so of course my son got the better ones. We're going to the new minion movie in a couple of hours and my son is excited about that and the popcorn. He's playing splatoon on his wii u now. He is just the sweet little guy, and I'm going to do everything in my power to be the best mom that I can be to him. He won't have a mom who still drinks alcohol. I was screamed at by a grandmother when I would spill tea, and I promised myself that I would do my best to never scream at him either. I'm not a person who yells so I've done okay with that. I just wish I hadn't become an alcoholic, tried to hide that from him and not drink in front of him but I was/am still an alcoholic. I want to badly to be a perfect mom and while I can't be perfect, I'll be the best that I can be for him. It's a great, peaceful sober weekend. No cravings for alcohol, but I'm trying to cut out so many diet sodas because they aren't good for me either. I got some crystal lite packets to put in water, not sure if they are good for me but they have to be better than the diet sodas. Day 83. Day 90 is coming close. Hope everyone is having a great weekend.
Hope everyone is having a great weekend.
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