djmchammered

That was very kind of you, thank you!

djmchammered

Still having a hard time today, I am really upset with myself and the opportunity I blew because I was blacked out loaded and walked off stage during what could have been one of the biggest opportunity I have had in a long time.

Personally I have been doing a lot of inventory and thinking about all I have ruined or tainted with my drinking. Its pretty much every event or significant trip I have ever taken.

My issue today seems to be how do I convince my wife to not be sad because I am not drinking? She wants to party and have our 3 nights per year out raging and parting like hardcore rave style. She wants to take vacations with me, she was just talking about going to Germany for Octoberfest to celebrate my 40th birthday. She gets drunk about what a normal person would consider normal. Maybe 5 times per year. Otherwise she is well behaved and has her 2 beers and thats pretty much it. Especially with the new baby. I let her go out with her girlfriends and she is usually home before 10. Last weekend she went out for dinner with her two girlfriends and there husbands (no kids) as I stayed home with the children as requested. She was drinking and I do think she had a few as there was a breathalyzer on her seat the next day. When she came home she was sad and explained to me how she wanted to "go out". She seems to be really quiet and distant and resentful of me being an alcoholic and ruining her somewhat normal drinking times.

My fear comes from her being let down when she wants to go party and I want to stay away from drunk activities. By the way that is our only activity. With 3 kids all we do is work our butts off, I work non stop every single day even on my days off because I love making music and the money is fantastic ( it did take 20 years and I am like 40k in debt after remodeling, so don't think a career in music is easy... its actually stupid and insane, but I am good at it and I worked hard for this and profit is starting to come in) Anyways, she wants to go OUT. She is sad because we got in a fight before going to the last event I am upset about and this was the last year ever of this event and it was her favorite party and she did not go because of me and my drunkenness. We had coordinated a sitter (grandma) for a month+ as we have like zero babysitters and this was to be our big night out. She is asking about going to concerts in the summer (Tom Petty) and wants to party and let loose with me, I told her no I think she should go with her friends this time. I get that its not fair that I am an alcoholic and I shouldn't prevent her from having fun once in a while but I have the feeling she is going to want to leave me at home with the 3 kids and go out to larger parties without me and I think this will happen frequently especially as the baby gets bigger. Right now it scares me to go out but I think it will be easier over time as I am able to forgive myself (hopefully), but I still feel she is hugely disappointed that she is loosing her drinking partner. I guess I don't know how I feel, its either I party with her or I don't and stay home with the children permanently, were talking like she is going to go to music festivals and I will be home angry as hell. I have a short time limit of hanging in bars and I am always itching to go home when I am not drinking. Yes I do think I would be able to pull off going out and not drink but I am fearful I will slip up and begin drinking again over time slowly as usual. Please remember I am the guy who was actually quite successful at really taming down my drinking (especially since my original post on here a few years back) and I have really changed my attitude on drinking as well. I am working out every day and up with the kids (4months and 4 years) feeding and bringing to kindergarten and daycare every day, I am exhausted on a daily basis..... I also banned drinking from my studio and I never ever drank in front of the children with the exception of Christmas at our house, traditionally anything we do involves drinking. We have the big backyard, we throw the wild parties etc. I just don't know what to do with my wife as me not drinking makes her think and say things like " I am ruining her good time & I still want to party". She doesn't want me to quit drinking as then she looses her partner...... When we first met it was at a bar, every single activity we have ever done (without kids) basically involves drinking. I know I would be able to go out the first 49 times without a problem and have a reasonable amount to drink but that 50th time will be an all out disaster and its not worth it to me and I don't want to die. I also don't want to sit home while my wife is out having the time of her life. I feel thats what is going to happen. Nobody in my life aside from my mother in law is sober, nobody is cheering my sobriety. In fact it seems to disrupt my social life. However friends and some family must think I am some sort of a loser alcoholic, especially after she blasts me on Facebook repeatedly the last two times I was away. I am just so ashamed that this was out there for the world to see.

How do I get my wife to not be upset that I do not want to go places where I will be stuck and annoyed at people drinking for longer periods of time? I can't win this one, I am dedicated to not drinking and I will be able to bring my medicine with if I am local. But yeah she wants to like see the world..... Right now I am scared to leave my house, not just from drinking but also embarrassment...

Right now I am having a really hard time forgiving myself and moving on after blowing the opportunity I had to play music and party with my friends and wife, I am also freaked out trying to figure out what I can do to make my wife happy with going out and not drinking. I can't blame her because the problem is all mine but the response I would get if I were to say "I don't want to go because I am scared of drinking" would be..."That's your problem, I work my butt off and I want to party, if you don't want to drink that is on you"....


I am not drinking, I have ruined too much in my life to consider it. I seriously feel like a broken person. If you ever were to meet me you would have no idea (unless of course if you saw me passed out a few weekends ago on a couch when I was supposed to be paying music)... I am usually mr. positive..... I am so so so in a funk. I don't drink to relieve stress so this is not a trigger or anything. I am ashamed and I really just want an un obtainable redemption / Time Machine to redo my $hitt decisions..... ahhh

Misc72

Sorry I'm always the one to chime in, but I'm following this thread. This is a typical problem to have. Just think about what you said, "You are afraid your wife will want to leave you because you don't want to drink anymore?" Think about that. I'm sure she loves you unconditionally. Whether or not you drink. It is an adjustment for sure. You will both eventually find equal ground. Everything is just seeming closer than it appears. You are also creating an uncertain future and anxiously hovering over it. Remember stay in this moment. Get out of what you Fu@$#d up because what is done is done. Deal with it and bury it. Try to stop focusing on your wife leaving too. Sounds like you 2 need to have a heart to heart soon. She may not know enough about addiction. Just be happy for this day because you are not drinking today. I lost my dream job over my drinking. So I get it. But no matter how long I cried about it, I still lost my job and it wasn't going to come back. Accept what is and try to pick up the pieces and move on. Easy for an outsider to say, but I have a few years on you so listen. ;-)

Berrybean

All you can do is work on getting a healthy sobriety, where you feel happy and healthy, and your life is manageable, and you can set aside fears about how other people view you and your drinking.

Realistically if your wife is only upset for you for 5 days a year, and the other 360 are of an improved quality (from things being manageable, and you being more emotionally available for her and kids and rest of the family) then I suspect things will even out. My OH wasn't happy about me stopping either, esp the first 6 months which were pretty painful for me (and therefore even more painful for those who had to put up with me) because I was too far up my own bum to act on any advice, or engage in a program of recovery. (Berry's Own Recovery Program really was pretty crud. ) once he saw me happier, less angry, less resentful, and happier in my own skin and in my own company, the he started to appreciate my sobriety.

For now, perhaps you'll just have to accept she's not keep on the idea. Not easy for the average alcoholic, as we tend to want to manipulate everyone into being happy with what we want. But we can't change others people, only ourselves. Make sure she knows that you're happy for her to go out partying with her friends and you don't expect her to stop drinking just because you have (and mean it). It's only our own side of the street that we're responsible for. As long as you know you're being reasonable and doing the best thing for your family that's the most important thing. Be true to yourself and your convictions and don't get caught up in arguments over it (in the guise of discussion). If one thing needs to be non-negotiable it's our sobriety.

All the best.
BB

Berrybean

All you can do is work on getting a healthy sobriety, where you feel happy and healthy, and your life is manageable, and you can set aside fears about how other people view you and your drinking.

Realistically if your wife is only upset for you for 5 days a year, and the other 360 are of an improved quality (from things being manageable, and you being more emotionally available for her and kids and rest of the family) then I suspect things will even out. My OH wasn't happy about me stopping either, esp the first 6 months which were pretty painful for me (and therefore even more painful for those who had to put up with me) because I was too far up my own bum to act on any advice, or engage in a program of recovery. (Berry's Own Recovery Program really was pretty crud. ) once he saw me happier, less angry, less resentful, and happier in my own skin and in my own company, the he started to appreciate my sobriety.

For now, perhaps you'll just have to accept she's not keen on the idea. Not easy for the average alcoholic, as we tend to want to manipulate everyone into being happy with what we want. But we can't change other people, only ourselves. Make sure she knows that you're happy for her to go out partying with her friends and you don't expect her to stop drinking just because you have (and mean it). It's only our own side of the street that we're responsible for. As long as you know you're being reasonable and doing the best thing for your family that's the most important thing. Be true to yourself and your convictions and don't get caught up in arguments over it (in the guise of discussion). If one thing needs to be non-negotiable it's our sobriety.

All the best.
BB

djmchammered

Thank you Sunshine, I totally appreciate it!

I guess in response my wife does love me unconditionally (she must after all the crap I put her through) but she will be happy as a clam to go out and get completely wasted with her friends as many times as she feels necessary over the summer and from now on (now that she is never going to be pregnant again) and I will be angry as hell sitting home until the uber or cab drops her off at 2:30am or later. Now this is not a regular thing, and who am I to say she can't get drunk once and a while as she is pretty close to normal and CAN stop drinking like a non alcoholic person or a functioning one at that. I do think she deserves to have a good time and let loose once in a while so I don't want to stop her.


We have had many heart to heart conversations and she knows how sad I am these past few weeks, she is mad because I ruined one of our three nights out alone together per year and I can never get it back. Her answer about me going out with or without her is "it's not her problem" & "it's my problem and I am the one to have to deal with it".... Rightfully so I believe. I guess I will just stay home every night until she gets her fill of going out. I like never want to go anywhere ever. I just got another basically crappy gig at a local club for next month. I will play and go home and it will be just fine. I think thats all I am going to do for a very long time. My wife knows an awful lot about addiction as I do. Her Dad was completely absent almost her entire life as he had 14 DUI's and her Mother was a 12 pack of beer drinker for 30 years, basically a full time drinker her entire life. She is now 1 year sober. Her brother and all her best friends have husbands who are absolute raging alcoholics who drink everyday. We have had about 15 friends die from addiction and many of them recently are her friends from high school dying from heroin overdoses. She had to attend a class after she got a DUI as well and we have been to counseling many times (worst thing I ever did) So I do think all my bases are covered as far as her understanding addiction one thing I am sure of is I will be surrounded by people who drink at all times and she is going out and going to get loaded many times this summer while I am home with the kids

I am just going to have to grit my teeth and bear it, she yields no consideration for how I may feel because I can't go out and party with her like we have always done. Right now its like watching a train in slow motion coming at me..... Thank you for the wonderful advice, I am just going to have to suck it up and stay not drinking. My odds are really against me as my support system is non existent, I don't think going to AA or having a sponsor can help me deal with my wife going out and getting ripped every other weekend over the summer while I am home with the kids and its not like I should even say no you can't go because she remains in control with her alcoholism and rarely drinks as well. She also does not smoke the pots, she would do some coke if someone offered and maybe take E if we were together but for the most part she is a straight shooter. Cant fault her for that, I am the one who misbehaves.


One thing that I can say for today though is I feel great and not hungover! I hit almost my lowest target body weight ever a few days ago and I am using T25 to workout every day and I am on month 3 and muscles are starting to pop out for summer (I have done the entire program repeatedly for a few years). I am lean and mean and physically feeling good and smelling good.... Mentally I am in shambles, however I am going to take your advice and keep trying to forgive myself but I have been having a hard time. Thank you so much for listening..........

djmchammered

Thank You as well BerryBean....., great advice

Misc72

Well it's good she gets addiction, then she understands and appreciates what you are trying to do here. I hope. I'm sure she does. Your support system sounds a lot like mine in every way. Luckily you're on Sober Recovery and that has been the best support for me since 2013. Although I had 18 months and I've since been on again off again but I know that SR is always here. Always! And for the most part non-judgmental. (for the most part lol). AA isn't my thing but I have loads and loads of mad respect for the program. I gravitate toward SMART. Look it up. You seem independent. It's all about self-management. Also, look into Secular Connections of SR. Might as well know all the different tools right? Why not?

I like what BerryBean said earlier about how your wife and others will gravitate toward you once you are feeling better from the inside out. And why not do something wild for your 3 nights of year. A limo ride would be cheaper than your typical night at a club. Just put on your thinking cap. Sober doesn't have to be considered boring... I have enjoyed the best concerts of my life sober. And many other experiences as well. Good job on your health too!

djmchammered

Thank you...

Turns out I did play the show and it was music I guess? My friend says I was looking for my keys that turned out to be in the CDJ with the USB stick so I could play music. The stage manager my good friend says he helped me look for them and they were in the player. I guess I forgot what I did in like 1 min. Then I guess I was on the mic telling people I was wasted. Now this was no posh club and this was in the basement of the dirtiest rave crowd you can imagine at probably 3am. I am afraid there is some video or something, I know the sound guys recorded it. Man I am ashamed, I haven't seen anything posted so I hope I am good. That is really scary that I did not remember anything. I am ashamed.... I do have an Ozzy like persona and I am always over the top with hard party antics or I was back before like 2010 so its not new news that I am a raging party disaster. So maybe not all publicity is bad but I am still scared that I would do such a thing and then proceed to ruin my life for the next 48 hours. Alcohol is the worst.

I owe it to my friends and fans to make a comeback and permanently ditch the drinking.

I am going to make a comeback like never before

MrPL

Hey man,

I understand what you are going trough. I also have young kids, a hectic life and truth is since I stopped drinking I am finding more and more cracks in my marriage. Can't say if drinking caused it, but for sure it masked it. I am not saying this is the case with your marriage, but either way both of us have to learn how to deal with a situation that was not there before when we are already strained and recently lost our most effective source of comfort, alcohol.

Keep going and life will improve. Things will get clearer, life with the kids will get even better, you will sound better and be more productive. I am only 6 months sober and I can see clear signs of all that happening.

Your relationship may or may not be better, but if you guys end up drifting apart, like my wife and I are, you will have the clarity to deal with it properly.

Definitely work on your comeback, I look forward to hearing positive news about your musical journey.

P

djmchammered

Thank You, I appreciate it. And the same advice goes for you.

djmchammered

Not feeling the greatest today, felt sort of angry at myself because I am not normal and I can't drink like normal person. I am not thirsty or thinking about drinking but I do seem to have anxiety about being in all the upcoming situations where people will be drinking in the summer.

The other day I posted on Facebook about how I had taken a short break from commenting/liking and returning messages. I had 3 records come out (each singles or remixes) during the period after my big blowout at that event up to the time I decided to post on FB. I also explained how I was exhausted and ashamed about my disaster and how adjusting to having 3 kids had sort of worn me down exhausted and I sometimes break. I wanted to provide something for my friends and fans who are wondering what the hell is wrong with me. I also wanted to make it clear to the label management that I was ok and I will resume promoting etc as this was out of character. Every other time I have records come out I really push the promotion and I sort of laid low for a few weeks. Now..... The two Promoters from the event and the label bosses all saw my post and had likes or very positive things to say. A few fans busted my butt and were laughing at me but I deserved it, they described how I got on the mic and proclaimed I was drunk. Sort of normal for me as I have been known to be the super drunk guy for a very long time (wish I could remember it as I am embarrassed as hell) but rightfully so I let them have at it. My wife whom had blasted me on Facebook after I returned home after the first night of the party and proceeded to sleep it off while waking up to drink and remaining hammered and getting in a fight before I left for the party with her thus really setting me off in a bad mood and remaining super drunk. I was really in the wrong.... I agree. Anyways my wife blasted me on Facebook and it was a very public thing with people at the party also arguing with her that I was fine and she should chill out. So she simply deactivated her FB account (as mentioned earlier) In my post from the other day she was in question by about 5 of her girl friends also my friends wondering why they were blocked by her, I explained that she had her account deactivated and she would be back. A friend of mine that my wife doesn't like said something about her not being on FB wasn't that bad but he did say something about my situation and her not wanting to be on. I don't think it was a cheap shot or an insult. So she reactivated her account at 7am Tuesday this week to check it out and proceeded to cut my friend down and call him a jobless fat looser (he is not) and talk about the time we were at the beach and I saw his kid with the police as he was lost and I called him and helped him find mom who had the boy that weekend. Her comments were vicious and completely over the top attacking my friend. This is an actual friend as well that I have known for 15+ years. Then she tagged me F-U "my name"..... Some wife behavior there.

I wrote her an email about how I have repeatedly asked her to keep our private business off of Facebook and how this made her look unintelligent and how this makes us both look bad. She came back with how we are divided and how we are unhappy. She sent like 3 emails in a row to me telling me she doesn't care about what she posted and I am clueless and I should focus on real life. This was a few days ago, the night before her 7am total attack on my Facebook post she became angry with me as our tax return was in question as we had some investments that had been made and there was alot in question as far as getting a large tax refund this year (we had a kid and we had lots of expenses that she had been tracking etc.) So in her mind we were going to get a few grand back but we still had some investments that we may be taxed on and we had to setup a time to have our tax person and our financial advisor go over what we need to do. I had the meeting with both and it looks like our refund is un effected by our investments so her fears so the huge fit she threw about the tax refund maybe not happening (1/100th of our investment by the way) was false. We still have one more form to fill out but it doesn't look like we will be hit with a huge bill. So everything turned out as she wished but she lost it completely on Facebook on my friend, I had many friends and co-workers come up to me and were like are you OK? I read your FB post? Thankfully the crap my wife posted was only online for a few mins at 7am and I deleted the entire post, I wanted to leave it up but my wife was going to keep talking smack on there. She is mad because I said I was exhausted and needed to take a break, her come back is where is my break.... Well, about a month ago she had a nice 3 days in Key West with her best friend while I stayed home in the snow with the 3 kids. The break I was to get was the only Friday night when I went out and this disaster happened as she was to go with me Saturday. Well that turned out to be a total nightmare. I don't get a break, I am not asking but I do have to do the whole pack up the young children and bring to daycare and kindergarten 4 days per week. I can't mess one thing up like forgetting milk or diapers or school work etc and I think I have been adjusting to that but it has been exhausting. My wife doesn't believe I ever should have a break and since I posted this on Facebook she became enraged. Me being tired and drunk and sad had alot to do with my disaster, mainly being drunk as I would have pulled it off nicely if I hadn't drank. But regardless I am like still getting used to this schedule and it is alot of work.

So it's been a few days and I can tell my wife sort of feels like she shouldn't have said negative stuff on the internet, she didn't say that but I can tell from her body language and the way she communicates normal things that we have to discuss. I am angry at her for constantly embarrassing me and our family on the internet and I and her family and counselors have told her NOT to do this. I am upset about it, I am super sad and embarrassed still and I know the people who saw me when I was blacked out on a couch or wherever I can't even remember what I did for the two days are going to be like "whoa dude you were so wasted at that show" This was two days and there was a hotel that was at capacity and there was after parties and things going on in the rooms and I think I was just passed out or blacked out talking smack to my friends. The people I have talked to who witnessed my blackout said I was not making the biggest ass out of myself but I still feel ashamed and I feel like any promoter or anyone that saw me would not trust to book me to play there shows anymore. If I claim to be sober that is sort of not cool either, I just wish I was not an alcoholic. I am thankful for my life and everything else and I am thankful for my not drinking. I don't want to spend the weekend at home with her as she may loose her cool again. She has extreme anger issues and refuses to address them. I am feeling low today, I am using the "Sober Tool" app and that gives some good advice when you are feeling down. It seemed like I was doing ok and was drinking responsibly and then I had a small taste of freedom and going out (previously just had maybe a few beers at home) and I went ballistic. I am just so sad I blew this opportunity to play, party and have freedom with my wife and friends. I know my wife is upset about it as well and she is going to hit me up to go out and get wrecked and I just have to sit home and suck it up. My life is great from the outside but I am so sad and unhappy. Thanks for listening..... I will keep trying.

ardy

could almost cry.. was just chatting with some old friends of song.. and the music from David Cassidy came on I think I love you.. and you popped up..
kiddo .... maybe you need to sing your heart to her. and find a bottom line.. in life there.. for so many are gone or unable to play what their hearts sing each day.. any longer... miss them all so much sometimes.. I was a good Lady Clown in laughter and balloons.. but made sure that all the music that played was well cared for in food and Wisconsin Cheese and Milk.. and as a Security Guard hahahh they were looking at a Mom...
Keep trying for a silly face in the mirror Hey Man What are You Doing Now he shouts back at you.. What are you Losing it all for a Beer..
Never Give Up Never Say Never.. play the song Man in the Mirror from Jackson.. and just listen with your heart...
for an Old Lady Clown.. love so much love and prayers and hopes for a better tomorrow.. and call that lady of yours and sing I think I love you.. watch Life gets better...
gotta split and go hug my Eddie Lee... my silly silly Gear Head Rocker that forgets every so often...

ardy

yep and there he is just to my right..

so play and just listen why cause man sometimes you just have to smell the flowers......https://youtu.be/2r9UtIhOI8M

Berrybean

Sorry you're having a rough patch at the moment. I know other people really got to me when I was first sober. The people I met at AA (the smiley ones with light in their eyes because they've worked through all that mess already) told me to focus on taking my own inventory if I wanted to recover. It took a while for me to take that advise, but you know, when I did it was pretty spot on. All we can do it look after our own side of the street. And amazingly, when I did that, other people stopped being such a 'problem' to me. I've heard plenty of other people say the same thing. Could be worth a go.

Why not just take a break from social media. Our egos really are our worst enemy in recovery, and social media kind of feeds just that side of us. If not, you could put the people who irritate you on ignore so you don't need to bother yourself with what they think or say about you. HALT. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. Four massive triggers. And FB is great at generating at least 2 of them.

Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB

djmchammered

Thank you both, yes I will take a break from social media and I have been. I do run other businesses on Facebook as well so that makes it kind of hard. The only one that really gives me a hard time is my wife. I just wish she wouldn't make our private business public. I have like 4 thousand friends and she constantly hijacks my posts and people all start to call and write me asking what is going on? Its embarrassing. I am going to focus on my side of the street but I am not looking forward to spending the weekend inside the my house with someone who constantly cuts me down. If I leave to get away or work on Music she gets upset and says I am never around but if I stay in the house she will just send negative vibes. Hard to ignore.... When my wife gets angry it goes on for weeks. Its always been my drinking problem and her anger problem..... I love her dearly and I am going to stick it out but I wish she understood how I felt and how sad I was. I have been with her for 11 years so this is nothing new..... I just feel stuck. Thanks again!

Ina123

Okay, I may be way off base here and I’m only 2 months sober, but reading through your story I get the feeling you need to focus on the present a little more.

Yes, you messed up a good opportunity. I feel for you, I really do. I’ve embarrassed myself and ruined possible networking opportunities WAY more times than I can count…but they are in the past. I can’t change that. And neither can you.

You also seem to be worried about not being able to party in the future, like in the summer…and I get that too….Patio season seems like cruel and unusual punishment….

But focus on today. Today I won’t drink. Today I will create great music. Today I'm going to do something great with my kids or special with my wife. Focusing on the future is creating arguments/anxiety/drama that isn’t even there and focusing on the past is pointless.

You just mentioned above
"I am not looking forward to spending the weekend inside the my house with someone who constantly cuts me down" this hasn't happened yet and you're already claiming defeat it seems. Can you somehow get ahead of this narrative and plan something you can do that's positive together?

As far as FB, I would suggest staying away for awhile. Maybe sit down with your wife (not e-mail….tone and actual intention can get completely misconstrued) and make a plan? Perhaps instead of focusing on what either of you have done in the past, instead focus on how you can make this work. Clean slate. No blame game.

Again, like I said I’m a newbie here too and new to this whole sobriety lifestyle. And it has been a challenge. BIG TIME. I’ve found myself practically in tears some weekends cause my friends are going out and i’m home by myself throwing a pity party….but that’s when i log onto SR. I post. I read posts. I’ve made a list of the many bad things that happened as a result of drinking, I remind myself I’ve never once regretted NOT drinking! I go on chat to see if i can talk to anyone. (There’s Tuesday and Friday night meetings there as well) Have you joined a monthly class? I started in January and I find checking in with the group and sharing in our recovery extremely helpful and encouraging Set goals for your sobriety. A new song. A milestone in your relationships. We are so much more than drinking! (a mantra I have to tell myself daily)

Oh, and stop worrying about people who saw you passed out and will say ""whoa dude you were so wasted at that show” – i know those kind of people and they’re usually deflecting on their own behaviour and it’s more about them than about you. People spend waayyyyyy less time thinking about us than we give them credit for

You seem like a passionate, intelligent person who has a great life. Just know we’re all rooting for you here!! Keep posting!! One day at a time

MrPL

Hey djm,

I could have said a lot of those words myself. We don't have the social media thing, but I know well what it s like to take negativity constantly and to feel that regardless of how much effort you put into keeping a family together all that seems to count are the stupid things you forget to do.

I wish I knew how this ends, I ve been with my wife for 11 years too and this has been going on for almost 5 now, but what I do know is now is the first time I am dealing with this sober and it feels good, it puts everything into perspective. What makes things better for me is realising everything is worth going through in order to give my kids the best possible life I can.

Whatever you do don't let this get on the way of your recovery. Seems like you are in a clear place about that, so hang in there.

P

djmchammered

THANKS, That was really good advice. You guys are so awesome. Thank you for reading all my nonsense!

ardy

just a little of life from so long ago.. I got to as a clown watch with the children on stage in Milwaukee... as they did this practice..and then he stopped the Milwaukee Symp and asked for it one more time. came over to me.. bowed held out his hand and danced the Lady clown like a feather... the past ... is so hard to let go of ..... Shall we dance.. one more time.. Dear Old Friend.. https://youtu.be/QgVPnWmUqd4