Musician getting off booze, Day 4- Attempt #99
Keep at it, cause it gets better. Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: United States
Posts: 79
99 days without a drop of alcohol today...
Still super sad about my gig I screwed up and I continue to be reminded and have to deal with the consequence of my actions. I just can't seem to get over it and I don't think my sadness has improved....Everywhere I go my epic walk off stage wasted moment is haunting me. I guess I just felt like I was in the movie 8 mile when this happened. It was like I froze up and had a moment of clarity and was really sad I fought with my wife and she did not come with me on one of the 2 - 3 nights per year we have been able to get away without kids. I was just so sad, I sort of remember it now but its still hazy. At first I did not think I even played because I blacked out for 2 days. So going to family friends events and introducing myself to my friends other friends saying oh, yeah we met you at that event. You were to sad crying to talk to anyone. The reason I was crying was apparently I knocked over a young woman and she hurt herself. Now the promoters said the girl was drama and really weird anyways. So I have people that met me and saw me balling my eyes out, who knows what the hell I did or what I did, its really embarrassing and its only going to get worse. That was the first time I went to a friends house for a little party. Then I had a gig at a decent club and when I was outside talking to a friend in town visiting I told him how I screwed up and I wasn't drinking as he is a part of our music friends group. He posts on Facebook about how my story was epic and I am a legend. Then the girl whom I did not know who I knocked over chimed in on the post, saying it was not that epic when I knocked her over. Now I have the smallest recollection of when this took place and I am almost positive my rowdy metal head friends drinking with me knocked into me and she fell. I would never ever knock someone over, this was why I was crying. So she chimed in and I apologized and it was a pretty high profile post with multiple people really important to our music scene seeing it and like whoa. The girl I messaged and I never heard back from, in the post she did state it was cool and she was aware it was an accident. Its just not like me to make things right and really not my personality. Being a very public figure and really well known face its hard to get away from this. Now there is another large event I am playing for the same promoters but on a side stage, my friend booked me last min where I should have had a main stage slot if I was lucky. My screw up probably permanently stopped me from this chance ever again. If I was the promoter I would never ever book me after what happened. You have to understand this is not something easy to move past. I would say over 50% of my t-shirts I wear and the crew I have been representing since the late 90's is this very crew. There is no higher up or greater honor then to play for this group and my idiot behavior completely ruined it. Like this is all that matters to thousands of people, were talking decades of followers, this is almost a cult like group but we worship bass heavy rave music and this has been going on since 1989. This is my musical family and I am shamed and nearly shunned. I don't blame any of them. I do think they forgave but won't forget. Its like throwing my handwork and support all out the window. Late summer there is the really big event, even bigger then the one I had my disaster at. Its probably a million dollar rave party. I am excited to go but dreading the stories of my failure. I just keep saying to myself negative things and can't get over this. I am glad I am not dead, didn't seriously injure anyone and outside my music career troubles everything seems to be ok. My wife has been good to me, she does keep buying beer and when I come inside the house at 1am to grab some water there is ice cold beer right in my face. I am often tempted to drink it. I do take things one day at a time and I am doing ok staying in the present moment. We have a party at our house this weekend filled with DJs, Booze and friends. It may be hard not to drink but I think I will be ok. I am so upset with it all... I just wish I would be normal and be able to have 3 beers and stop. AHHHHHHHH
Still super sad about my gig I screwed up and I continue to be reminded and have to deal with the consequence of my actions. I just can't seem to get over it and I don't think my sadness has improved....Everywhere I go my epic walk off stage wasted moment is haunting me. I guess I just felt like I was in the movie 8 mile when this happened. It was like I froze up and had a moment of clarity and was really sad I fought with my wife and she did not come with me on one of the 2 - 3 nights per year we have been able to get away without kids. I was just so sad, I sort of remember it now but its still hazy. At first I did not think I even played because I blacked out for 2 days. So going to family friends events and introducing myself to my friends other friends saying oh, yeah we met you at that event. You were to sad crying to talk to anyone. The reason I was crying was apparently I knocked over a young woman and she hurt herself. Now the promoters said the girl was drama and really weird anyways. So I have people that met me and saw me balling my eyes out, who knows what the hell I did or what I did, its really embarrassing and its only going to get worse. That was the first time I went to a friends house for a little party. Then I had a gig at a decent club and when I was outside talking to a friend in town visiting I told him how I screwed up and I wasn't drinking as he is a part of our music friends group. He posts on Facebook about how my story was epic and I am a legend. Then the girl whom I did not know who I knocked over chimed in on the post, saying it was not that epic when I knocked her over. Now I have the smallest recollection of when this took place and I am almost positive my rowdy metal head friends drinking with me knocked into me and she fell. I would never ever knock someone over, this was why I was crying. So she chimed in and I apologized and it was a pretty high profile post with multiple people really important to our music scene seeing it and like whoa. The girl I messaged and I never heard back from, in the post she did state it was cool and she was aware it was an accident. Its just not like me to make things right and really not my personality. Being a very public figure and really well known face its hard to get away from this. Now there is another large event I am playing for the same promoters but on a side stage, my friend booked me last min where I should have had a main stage slot if I was lucky. My screw up probably permanently stopped me from this chance ever again. If I was the promoter I would never ever book me after what happened. You have to understand this is not something easy to move past. I would say over 50% of my t-shirts I wear and the crew I have been representing since the late 90's is this very crew. There is no higher up or greater honor then to play for this group and my idiot behavior completely ruined it. Like this is all that matters to thousands of people, were talking decades of followers, this is almost a cult like group but we worship bass heavy rave music and this has been going on since 1989. This is my musical family and I am shamed and nearly shunned. I don't blame any of them. I do think they forgave but won't forget. Its like throwing my handwork and support all out the window. Late summer there is the really big event, even bigger then the one I had my disaster at. Its probably a million dollar rave party. I am excited to go but dreading the stories of my failure. I just keep saying to myself negative things and can't get over this. I am glad I am not dead, didn't seriously injure anyone and outside my music career troubles everything seems to be ok. My wife has been good to me, she does keep buying beer and when I come inside the house at 1am to grab some water there is ice cold beer right in my face. I am often tempted to drink it. I do take things one day at a time and I am doing ok staying in the present moment. We have a party at our house this weekend filled with DJs, Booze and friends. It may be hard not to drink but I think I will be ok. I am so upset with it all... I just wish I would be normal and be able to have 3 beers and stop. AHHHHHHHH
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,391
I think in the end you need to forgive yourself and move on.
I did a lot more embarrassing things at a lot more gigs than you, but people generally don't remember me as was, only as I am now.
I understand it's not easy to move past...but you must. No other healthy choice bro.
The problem with endlessly beating yourself up over something you cannot change is it leads to an erosion of self esteem, a build up of shame and self hatred and it can lead back to thoughts like this
I don't need to tell you how dangerous that is.
D
I did a lot more embarrassing things at a lot more gigs than you, but people generally don't remember me as was, only as I am now.
I understand it's not easy to move past...but you must. No other healthy choice bro.
The problem with endlessly beating yourself up over something you cannot change is it leads to an erosion of self esteem, a build up of shame and self hatred and it can lead back to thoughts like this
I just wish I would be normal and be able to have 3 beers and stop. AHHHHHHHH
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I think in the end you need to forgive yourself and move on.
I understand it's not easy to move past...but you must. No other healthy choice bro.
The problem with endlessly beating yourself up over something you cannot change is it leads to an erosion of self esteem, a build up of shame and self hatred and it can lead back to thoughts like this
I don't need to tell you how dangerous that is.
D
I understand it's not easy to move past...but you must. No other healthy choice bro.
The problem with endlessly beating yourself up over something you cannot change is it leads to an erosion of self esteem, a build up of shame and self hatred and it can lead back to thoughts like this
I don't need to tell you how dangerous that is.
D
Dj..Congrats on your days! Use that mistake at your gig as a reminder of what happens when you drink as a tool to not drink this weekend or ever again and have some plans in place when the urge hits.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: United States
Posts: 79
Thanks guys! Doing better today, yes I am using my past mistakes to fuel my fire inside as inspiration to not drink.
For me it's been easier to not tell myself I am NEVER going to drink again, it seems less stressful to just focus on one day at a time. Today I am NOT drinking!
For me it's been easier to not tell myself I am NEVER going to drink again, it seems less stressful to just focus on one day at a time. Today I am NOT drinking!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: United States
Posts: 79
Yes totally, doesn't bother me at all and has been a non issue..... I do attribute some of my success to it.... However this is not for everyone and I want to keep this off here as this is a major problem for some and inappropriate on this site.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: United States
Posts: 79
Originally Posted by Chaplain30
I mean cigarettes. Is it ok to quit them both or keep ciggarets little more while. Because stress of nicotin needs can trigger alcohol also.
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