Dee74

I'm the mod for the marijuana forum so you gotta get this is important to me.

I get it. I really do DJ.

I used to be you - for 2 decades or so I couldn't be told there was any downside - I either couldn't see it or I sincerely believed it wouldn't happen with me.

Just - look out - addiction is progressive.

If your usage increases. or you start blowing other things off, or you find you start to need it to be creative, or it leads you into bad decisions with booze or other drugs....

don't just dismiss that.

There- I'm done. Best of luck with the quitting booze.

D

Grymt

What happens if you pass the gas station and don't get any beer?

djmchammered

Well I just about have the best weekend ever, no hangovers. Usually make around $500 having fun mixing bands in my free time alone at night, usually write and mix and master one of my own songs in like 2 hours. I am positive and not hungover or tired.


If I drink whoa, way opposite. My world goes to crap and I get nothing done. If I am super drunk I usually have to taper off or take lorazepam to get the hangover to go away Sunday night.


Please understand I am the guy who once used to drink every day and eventually I became the guy who looked better and really chilled out on the drinking. I still get this response and I workout usually 6 days per week. This would be like 2010 era. When people see me they are always like man you look great etc. I lost 50lbs when I decided to change my life. I quit smoking and started vaping. I still use nicotine and caffeine. I have even switched from coffee to green tea. I am also switching to only vape thc as it is healthier. I am trying to be all I can be but when I have a beer all is lost......


So today, Monday.... I am just so ashamed. I don't want to see people, can't go on Facebook because I am embarrassed at the spectacle that was a very public shaming of me being a loser by my wife while at the event and failing. She trash talked me before I played and I think all my friends stuck up for me and felt bad for me online arguing with her. The main thing that seems to bother me right now is I really had this opportunity and I totally blew it. I should have known better then to try and play 2:30-4:00am as it was going to be a disaster. I was set to fail. I don't know I am just so fricken sad. I woke up, worked out fed the two girls (4months and 4 years) kept them happy. I am at work feeling good, smelling good and kicking butt on projects. I am however so so so depressed at this failed opportunity as this was the 7th year and the last of this event, I played every one of them and this was something that was a part of me. This year being even more special as I was booked by someone who is considered the godfather of electronic music in the United States, probably one of the most famous electronic music promoters of all time and a good friend of mine. He is very famous and I think I have totally blown any future bookings. I suck. I just want to go in the bathroom and cry... But back on the horse and the wagon and I will try and try again....ahhhhhh, I suck

MsCooterBrown

GAH! Did she delete the post?

I am on Facebook. Seriously thinking of deleting my account.
And you don't SUCK! Facebook is the source of attack for people that are insecure and don't know how to voice their frustration. Ask me how I know...I was guilty of that. I am aware of it now. You need support.

djmchammered

Thank You....Yes, she did delete the post and deactivated her account because our friends and family were calling and arguing with her for doing so. Not the first time she blasted me on FB.


The last time before this incident from last weekend I went out was October for my birthday and that went well, I did drink but played music and came home on time and all was well. The time before that I went out was August and this was an event I have been begging the same promoter to throw along with 1000's of other people since 2001 and it was our 20 year reunion for this particular rave. It was 4 hours away and it was something we have been seriously asking about and talking about for 15 years. She was pregnant otherwise she would have went. I was a totally good boy and went one night, played and recorded a live set that has had elevated my career a bit. I had HD video and I released the live recording of all original material that I wrote for 3 months prior. It was a total success, I took it way way easy. Came home right away the next day with a friend. Made the 4 hour drive home and picked up my daughter from daycare and I was flawless. She went all crazy and there was like 50 comments on why I shouldn't be going and pretty much every single person was on my side being the 20 year reunion and being such a major major part of my life. It went well. She murdered me on Facebook. Makes me skittish and scared to go out. Usually people just hug me and tell me that they love me because they see this crap. Even my family and her own mother were on my side for that one and it turned out ok.


The last time I went off the rails before this was on the Cruise and in Miami (again) and this was a week after spending a month with my dying father in the hospital and hospice after he had died. Since I am documenting my struggle I will tell the story... I was bad, really bad. I will post it later in this thread.


The thing is my wife is not wrong about my problems and alcohol addiction, I just don't need her to tell the world..... Thank you for your support. I guess writing all this crap makes me try and think about it and document it. I am a no nonsense butt kicking money making moving and grooving super dad when I am not drinking. She is verbally abusive when I am on her bad side, when not she is great. Currently she loves me and we are texting lovey stuff. I love her so much and I do believe she is my soulmate. We do hurt each other more then we should. Counseling did not work for us personally, when we speak truthfully and from the heart we can repair more then the few counsellors we have seen. Each time we saw the counsellors it was because of my drinking and her anger issues. Thanks again....

Grymt

you just need to pass the gas station and not buy beer. main goal.

I asked what happens if you pass the station and don't buy beer.

I didn't mean all the wonderful stuff that comes later. I mean what happens in that moment when you pass the gas station and don't buy beer. What is your inner experience then. What happens in you?

djmchammered

Gotcha, I usually go yesssss under my breath and am excited to get stuff done that night.

Grymt

So what's the problem? Why not keep on passing by and not buy beer? ie stop drinking?

djmchammered

Because I am an alcoholic and my dumb addicted brain tells myself it's going to be ok. For a while I had an alarm go off on 3pm Friday telling me not to buy beer. I am educated about my alcohol addiction but once off the wagon it makes it easier to give in. I get it, it's me against me. No meetings or sponsor can be with me at all times. I just need to remember how important it is to not drink. I'm triggered everywhere, I work in the city with liquor and addicts everywhere. It's up to me.... I go months with nothing, then decide to have a few..... 10 months later total binge disaster.

Grymt

Far better men, women and children than I have tried to help you with this.

Why hasn't that worked?

djmchammered

Well I would say its because I am an alcoholic and my brain says" it's going to be fine this time" usually is, and then it's fine for a few more weeks, months and then I finally have a big blow out.

The last time I had an incident was one year ago after my father had died. I want to beat alcoholism because I personally don't like the way I feel being hungover and loser-ish, its not just the big bender. Everyone in my family and friends are all alcoholics. Literally all of them. My father in law has 14 DUI's and my mother in law just celebrated her 1 year sobriety after 30 years of drinking every day! We got her a trophy and had a party. Saddened me that some of her family members thought it was ok to have rounds of beers at her 1 year sober party. My grandfather was a brewer for a very large brewing company and owned a bar where my mother took over. I live in an area where everyone is an alcoholic. It is almost expected. I don't think anyone is shocked at my behavior aside from me. Its everything, but particularly booze. If I stick to beer I am ok (in my head) I know that is not the truth but I tend to make it work. As soon as I hit hard alcohol I am a disaster. I only have a few aunts, one who I see almost every day but thats about it for my side of the family. Being a drunk is like completely expected of me. After all this my wife still wants me to go out on a date with her and have drinks when we get the chance and or go to a festival or party. My fear is we go to a state where I cannot get MMJ and I end up drinking. I'm sorry but that keeps me off the booze. You must think I am nuts I know....

Grymt

No I don't think you are nuts. Just a plain old garden variety addict in denial. Now how to get you to accept that? I can't. There is no magic wand for getting off this merry go round. Are you stoned now?

djmchammered

No I am at work and have been all day. Why do you think I am in denial? I don't think MJ is my problem. It is great for me. I love how all "recovery" people dismiss MMJ as medicine. All medicine can be abused. I am not a 15 year old toking blunts heading to burger king with my head down sleeping. To me it is magic medicine and I don't abuse it. Sorry NOT sorry.... Your in denial that it could possibly be something that helps me not drink.

The magic wand is not to drink because that is the only thing that ruins my life.


I do appreciate your input and I think this is constructive, I am not some all day stoner sitting around watching tv. I use it to fuel my creativity and it works wonderful for me. You have to understand I don't abuse that and I never have. I don't over do it and for me it wouldn't be possible as I would just get sick of it. You give me a bottle of booze or a 30 pack and I won't stop. I hear ya but you got me wrong personally.

Grymt

Ok, I wonder in what way I am constructive. I've hardly said anything.

Own your sobriety. Don't blame others for your success. How much of that success do you give to pot?

djmchammered

Sorry I was just trying to be cordial as you spending time conversing and I do appreciate your feedback. I don't know what you mean by blame others for my success? I would give lots of credit to MMJ in my adulthood for creativity and laughter and being able to tolerate mixing and working on others music and trying to make it sound cool, gives me perspective... However not nearly as much credit as I would to taking LSD when I was younger. I think doing these things enhanced my early years and I wouldn't change those memories for the world, it has made my ability to make music that is emotional and interesting. You have to understand, I make my own music for people who are on drugs, rave music! That IS the point... I have no problems with that. I love records that make you feel like you are on drugs. Love it!


Drinking is what I am trying to stop, that is the poison to me. I don't use any substances aside from MMJ with the exception of when detoxing and shaking and need lorazepam all caused by alcohol.

I don't believe using MJ for me personally breaks my sobriety. If you took aspirin or whatever medication you may need would you be an aspirin addict? I didn't want to go here. It is not a gateway drug for me, it is the thing that prevents me from drinking.

Grymt

Sorry, it just seems to go round and round and round.

ok, pot is the thing that prevents you from drinking. You want to not drink. Not enough pot. ? Look I get it. Been there done that kind of thing. For me it had a lot to do with grieving. Not being able to let go and cry. Do you think there is an emotional block inside that meakes this so hard?

djmchammered

No worries, well I probably have less of a reson to cry then most. We all hurt somehow. I don't begin drinking to stop any pain. I do it because in my head a beer sounds like a good idea. I only can't stop drinking because of withdrawals and it goes on for a few days. I am the luckiest person in the world. Sure I could use a good cry etc but my real problems are nothing compared to people in this world who are in danger or their family is in crisis or war. Life is not fair and I can accept that. I want to love and live each day to the max. When I drink I smear my reality and my life is a waste. I am eager to keep on the road to recovering from alcoholism.

Grymt

Sounds exhausting. You're capable. Very capable. Have you sought help from a therapist?

djmchammered

I have a few different times in a few different ways but I always felt like what's the point it's just the person sitting there listening to me talk barely giving me advice that I don't already know

djmchammered

I thought you were going to be my new therapist