djmchammered

Yesterday was over three weeks without any alcohol. I was doing well until last night.. After coming home from working a heck of a hard day (made top 5 worst days in 8 years) my wife and I put the kids to sleep and she seemed to be ok and was sort of nice. As my wife was pumping breast milk she was complaining on how her body hurt so I sat on the floor and started to rub her back. She began complaining how she never gets a break and how she is sad she never gets to go anywhere (keep in mind she just had a nice trip to Key West with her best friend while I stayed home with the kids, this was during her 6 months off of work basically on vacation anyways all of this financed by myself (the bills not the trip to FL) so she ends up telling me how angry she was that I ruined her party from a few weeks ago that I have been having a hard time dealing with. In the middle of me rubbing her back she began to scold me and make me feel awful because of our fight that caused her to not go to the event herself. She went to bed and I just moved away from her as her negative comments were insulting and I was upset. She was not very considerate of my feelings as she knows I have been depressed about it. Then I go on Facebook and see some pictures of me at the party and I cringed as it was looking not so good. I untagged myself and hoping they disappear from my memory. Sad and feeling like a loser I went to bed...


So today I awoke, prepared the bottles got the zillion bags of stuff ready and took the 5 month old and the 4 year old to daycare rushed out of the house for what is certain to be one of the busiest days of the year as I have a special event today. Now I get a message from the wife telling me how she wants to go to a rave campout hundreds of miles away and that I should let her go alone because she needs to live her life. She even said YOLO and stated she is 32. Here was her message... Hey look there's still time! For me to do something I want to do. I want to make it to at least one festival/show/music event this summer. Not doing **** because of your drinking problem isn't going to work for me. Yolo & im 32. My youth is slowly slipping away.

Deeply angered she would consider going to a campout to do drugs with a bunch of 20 somethings and leave me home with the kids I thought how I could make this a positive thing for myself and I remembered that I wanted to go to my friends rave party campout in August where I attended last year and it is part of our crew as well (I went one night, behaved well and came home right away and also picked up my 4 year old from daycare the following morning). I pretty much have to go there and hoped she may go with but I was delighted at the chance to possibly not have her go with me as it may end in disaster.

Now she is telling me I can't go to my friends event alone located in the same state as I am with all people we know and she thinks its ok for her to drive for like a day straight, take a bunch of ecstasy drink and do blow for a few days while she party's with 20 somethings. I am not interested in any of that. I have partied but I am mainly interested in seeing my friends and listening to music. I think if I am off the booze by August still (as I am planning) going and resisting drinking should be fun. This may be an opportunity to redeem myself after my total nightmare from a few weeks ago.

So I am at work, worst day ever. Going to have 1000's of people angry today. Not feeling like I am needing a drink or anything. Just wish my wife was considerate of me and feeling like she has me trapped. She constantly complains she needs a break and has nothing to look forward to. Well her weekends are filling up and it looks like I have to stay home with the kids while she is out getting wrecked. I am so depressed about the aftermath of that event..... It is sending ripples of loser feelings through my being for weeks and I feel like I am suffering and there will be no end. My wife seems to enjoy hurting me..........

Berrybean

Glad you shared on here. You are not a loser, and you know, at least you will be sober, responsible and emotionally available for your young child.

I can understand your hurt regarding your wife's choices, but please remember, you don't have to make any decisions at all for now. Just focus on keeping your side of the street clean. Things tend to work out for the best one way or another when we do this, even if it seems insurmountable at the moment.

And we'll done on your increasing sober time. You're doing great.

djmchammered

I feel like every time I try to move on and be the person I am supposed to be she wants to go somewhere and party and leave me at home. She keeps dumping stuff on my plate and it never ends. I thought her last trip would have been enough to keep her happy for a little bit. I hate my life right now. Suppose it could be worse, could be in jail or drunk..... I am warming up to the idea of being alone. When I say alone I mean totally. I have 1/2 aunts and cousins but my parents are dead and I am only close to one of my cousins and her mom my aunt who was part of the sort of light version of an intervention where my wife called her and her mom to mediate. I just want to run away but wouldn't leave my kids ever. I'm so stuck and trapped and sad and I can't talk to anyone. Sucks

Misc72

I don't really know what advice to give but I am feeling for you. That's a tough spot to be in. Do what you think is best for your children, until they are grown it is all about them. Good Luck and I'm following your thread and hoping you find some peace soon.

Berrybean

I know it seems very unlikely now, but you know, as we get solid recovery and make some sober freinds, sober life really is more fulfilling than partying and large-scale socialising ever was. I spent decades on that lifestyle, and now find it so sad and empty when I occasionally dip my toes back in. I don't really expect you to believe this at the moment, because I didn't for so long. I just felt like my life had come to an end.

Please try to develop some kind of support network. Maybe some Dad groups (esp as it sounds you'll be having the kids to yourself a fair bit - might be more fun with other blokes in the same situation ). I think you weren't keen on AA, but I could be getting you muddled with someone else. Anyway - I'd urge you to reconsider. I love having my younger friends there, but also have to say that it's sometimes a comfort to have the older people there for advise and a listening ear seeing as I don't get to see my parents so often nowadays , and no grandparents left. Some of them have become like great-uncle and aunties and it feels so safe to go to the rooms and the warmth of 'The Clan'.

My partner rebelled against my sobriety as well. Plenty of heated exchanges, slamming doors, cold shoulders in those early months. I suspect at the bottom of it he felt threatened. That I might try and stop him drinking, or that I'd replace him with some sober bloke. (Honestly, if we split up now, for the first time in my life I think I'd honestly say I would be quite happy to be alone rather than date anyone and get embroiled in all that malarkey). Anyway. As my clan told me it would, things just naturally settled down as I avoided conflict, stayed sober, and just focussed on doing the best I could in the day I was in.

Why not just buy a ticket and decide whether or not to go at a later date. It's okay to not have all the answers about everything in the future for now. One day at a time.

Take care. And remember, drinking will not make any of this go away.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB


God, grant me the serenity to accept the things (other people) I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can (me). And the wisdom to know the difference (wisdom being the ability to make decisions that will bring serenity in the long term over instant gratification, short term satisfaction or fleeting relief).

djmchammered

Got the SMART handbook and giving it a read. I'm working 15 days in a row and trying to live in the present moment and not trying to think about the uncertain future. Think I am ok today.... My biggest challenge will be summer with friends when every single person in my life will be drinking cold beer right in front of me. Ok my brain is not thinking about that, just need to remain in the present moment.......

Ina123

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this right now, but massive props for doing it sober!!! You will find your way through this with time, and as I keep telling myself, it will get easier

Dee74

you have 3 months before summer hits - you can be in a vastly different headspace by then...hope you find SMART useful

D

Misc72

I find SMART works well for me, when I work it. I haven't been working it and that has set me back. I'll start going to my SMART meetings here locally. Just once a week and filled with musicians which I feel the most comfortable around. I'm always following this thread and I'm rooting for you.

djmchammered

Whelp, made it a month yesterday!

Wife is happy again and apologized.....For now....

Happy I am continuing my recovery!

Dee74

congrats djmch - glad things are getting better

D

Misc72

It's really great to hear that you a month down! And so awesome to hear the wife is in good spirits. Happy wife happy life! lol Keep doing good it's very inspiring.

MrPL

Good to hear mate!

P

djmchammered

40 days off the sauce today.... feeling physically good. Still mentally not the best.... Wish I could get out of this funk about ruining my life after that gig. I have been busy, my studio is having a record breaking month as far as work goes, I have been cranking out tracks for others. Still have not written anything since. Guess I have been busy anyways. I have a gig in a big city this weekend, I don't have any fears that I will want to drink or anything. Man it's been over a month and I can't forgive myself. The person I always wanted to get booked from since I started almost 20 years ago is the one I let down.... I totally blew it and I can't get it back. It's not like I whine all the time (just here) nobody knows. The truth is if someone I booked did what I did I wouldn't ever book or trust them again so I can blame anyone but myself.

Berrybean

Have you spoken to them and apologized? If not, that might be the way to go. Face to face if at all possible. And if you caused them damage you can make some amends for, offer that. If the person doesn't want to accept it, so be it. But at least you will know you tried.

Well done on the sober time.

BB

Mizzuno

Good for you for recognizing the issues and working towards resolving them. It takes a lot of courage to come to terms with ourselves and to know what is meant for us and what is not.

Only you can define your sobriety. Personally, I do not find marijuana to be a huge issue. People are prescribed all kinds of synthetics for various reasons.

Take care. Stay close. We are all working at the same goal. We are here for you.

djmchammered

Thank you guys! 56 days today without a drink! (8 weeks)

It's actually been pretty easy to stay off the booze, I do get cravings and did sort of really want a beer when we went on a quick weekend getaway to our cabin up north. My wife has been drinking in front of me and that is hard as I really want to have a beer. But to be fair she only has 1 or 2 where I would drink the 1 or 2 then stay up late drinking all the alcohol in the house..... She did have a nice cold beer in the fridge last night when I went to get some water.... That was hard. I have just been reminding myself to only pay attention to my side of the street and remember that if I drink it eventually will end in disaster.

My studio has been doing great, I mixed 4 albums in the last month and that was a financial record as far as the amount of income that came in. I am still feeling good! I do sometimes get frustrated that I can't just be a normal drinker and I think with the nice weather approaching its going to be a challenge to not drink. I have a gig this weekend and I won't be drinking. I feel pretty good about not having gone to AA but I can see how it would help people greatly. The real work for me begins now as I have been without a drop for a long time and this is the time I usually give in.... Actually its after 90 days. I just can't forget how low I was...... Ok, I will report more later!

MarkTwain

First, I would say get into being a dad....it's the most rewarding thing you will ever do.

Second...it sounds like you are a musician or involved in music at least. There must be other musicians in recovery whom you could seek out and ask for help from them. Don't try to go it alone.

Misc72

Yay! Awesome update... keep it up. You are doing great. Your cravings are normal. Just turn the other cheek. I'm with you on being able to last more than a few months. I'm determined this time!

ardy

did some great things over the weekend and had some young friends around that are in the field of music. thought of you and family as we sat in the fresh air of the Dells and listened to the Wisconsin River..

Kiddo a huge punch in the arm .... a hand in the air with a Woot Woot.. go team go.. you can do this...

I know it so proud of you.. dance that young lady around the kitchen and hug those little ones tight.... a lady clown....