trachemys

Some of us can't stop the masochism.

MidnightBlue

Yes, Silentrun, I am running this dialogue. Sometimes I catch it and break the pattern, but still is occupies hell lot of space in my head.

Soberpotamus

Congrats, MB, on getting through all those interviews! You rock, of course, and we can all see that. The dialogue running through our heads can be tricky because we are so used to it after years of hearing it. It sounds and seems natural, because it's typically put there inside our heads by parents and other caretakers, anyone who had a hand upbringing. I had toxic ideas in mine and I can pinpoint the type of behavior and language coming from various family members in my past. Namely, my mom and dad, grandmother and grandfather.

One amazing thing about sobriety is - we get to toss out whatever doesn't work and write our own mantras

MidnightBlue

Thanks, SJ)

And I can't stress enough how different things are when sober.

Back in my drinking days I would be freaking out every minute, and after such a stress would polish a bottle of wine by now, ruining possibilities of tomorrow.

I did feel some panic arising in me today, but I dissociate it quickly from the present moment . And it helped.

Gilmer

I think disassociation from negative thought is definitely the answer, MB. "Urge surf" it: stand outside of the inner nagging, put it into an imaginary box, and dismiss it from your mind. Then immediately move your mind to something else that's pleasant or neutral.

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Gilmer)

I am trying to do this.

Today it's extremely hard.

I am sick and tired of my own whining. And I don't know why I still can't work my way out.

I feel like I am at the breaking point, because I still can't figure out how to fix my teeth without money, and today it hurts big time and bleeding.

And I have about $1.5 left, and it's seriously wearing me out not to be sure I will be able to buy food in a couple of days.

I know, whining will not bring me anywhere. I don't know why I am writing this - probably to convince myself that it is not normal to live like this - in constant pain and worries. It is not something to put up with for months - because with "it shall pass" my life will shall the same way.

It has to be changed. I only don't know how.

Dee74

It took time for me to work all my finances out MB.
Here's hoping a new job is in your immediate future

D

MidnightBlue

So, I've spent my last money to keep me going for today.

Tomorrow I will be out of food.

My ex was planning to stop by on weekend, and bring me some of "humanitarian supplies" as I call it in a bitter joke. But there are still 2 days till weekend.

The most weird thing is that I don't feel scared. I feel like I've "come to terms" with this. I don't want to fight even for getting food for myself. I've put up with living on the poverty line, and don't feel offended by this.

And this is that weak-willed surrender (surrender in negative connotation) to "being doomed to poverty" that troubles me most. My mindset blocks my actions so ruthlessly, that at can't see the way how to change it.

I've made mistakes. It's all my fault. So I deserve it. So...

I feel like just on staying in bed and sleeping all day long.

I don't feel pity for myself - because it wont' be true. I just don't understand what's going on.

saoutchik

Sorry to hear you are going through such a rotten time MB

Do you know when you will hear back from that job interview?

MidnightBlue

Thank you, Saoutchik.

I've already got "good do go" from deputy CEO, and submitted paperwork, But the snag is that since it's a big state-owned corporation engaged they run background checks (including overall medical examination) and all related stuff for up to a month. Which means I won't start the job till late June at best, and won't start getting money till mid-July, again, at best.

saoutchik

I'm not sure how it works where you live but in the UK (I think this is still the case) once you have confirmation that you have employment you can get financial help for the first month. At least that would reduce the amount of time you have to stay broke

MidnightBlue

Lucky you)

In my not-so-civilized country it doesn't work that way.

My ex happened to be nearby and brought me humanitarian aid today. So, I won't starve for next few days.

Reminds me about some episode from "Sex and the City" where Samantha and a nun were desperately waiting in a reception room of a famous oncologist whose schedule was full for next 5-6 months. Then Samantha's movie star boyfriend showed up, and the administrator who happened to be his big fan, sneaked both Samantha and the nun into the Doc's busy schedule.

Nun "Oh,, my God".
Samantha "Oh, my boyfriend".

Oh, my ex boyfriend.

I think the reason he is keeping such a close eye on me is because about a year ago, before I got on antidepressants, he witnessed my unexpected nervous breakdown which happened in a public place and I couldn't do anything about this, feeling like an idiot but unable to control myself.

I have no one else in the world but him - no relatives, very few friends - and none of them nearby.

He once said a joke " I believe when you are going to get married, I will walk you down the aisle".

Roads of life are so quirky.

saoutchik

Glad to hear you have food at least and someone who obviously still cares about you.

Ginamarie323

Hi Midnight.....I'm sorry for the situation you're in. My finances are a mess also, but that was mainly due to drinking. I'm slowly getting out of the hole now.

Have you tried Amazon Mechanical Turk? You can make some pocket change on there until you start working again. I do it in my spare time when work is slow and have made about $750 since about a year ago. It's also a good way to keep your mind occupied. They have what are called HITs (Human Intelligence Tasks), that computers can't do and they need a human to do it....anything from transcription, tagging photos, writing articles, academic surveys, you name it. Some are pretty weird. If you have a bank account you can link it and deposit your earnings....it's pretty cool, and sometimes fun

MidnightBlue

Ginamarie, thank you!

Never heard about that, definitely going look into this.

Wish us both the best digging out of financial mess!

Ginamarie323

Indeed! I've only been sober for two weeks and estimate I've saved around 500 bucks. I forgot to mention, there are hard core "turkers", as they call them, who actually make a living on that site. There are forums with tips on what HITs to do, etc. Good Luck!

trachemys

MBlue, check craigslist under gigs. I was working four part-time schedule-less jobs at the best and still picking up one-time jobs to fill the days. There are so many that you have to learn to search smartly and respond quickly. Kept me in beans for nine months.

Speaking of beans: It may sound drastic but churches, soup kitchens, and the Salvation Army will always feed you for listening to their message.

MidnightBlue

Feel like I can't take it any more.

At some moments sky clears up for a little bit, but then it's all gloomy again.

I had a major breakdown this weekend, spending days in bed and feeling numb to life.

I looked at my stash of quite strong painkillers at my fridge, and thought it would be so good to fall asleep and never wake up again. And I am not afraid.

It's sad that it's not joy of life and future goals made me stop, but unfulfilled obligations to other people - like "why my escape from life should be their problem?".

It's truly sad.

Still sober though - passed 2 years and 8 months on June 14. Even 3 months sugar free on June 16. Neither of these appeals to me any longer even when desire to live equals zero. And I know none of the above will bring joy or life to me - nothing but more misery.

Gilmer

((((MB))))

Would you be able to see a doctor?

Aellyce

(((MB))) I am so sorry. I remember your older thread where you talked about your depression and eventual rising up from it, a while ago... I felt this back then, and also now reading this post, that I have days like that also... and often without any apparent reason or trigger. Sometimes triggered by an event, but I do not believe it's primarily due to events for me.

What I've learned and find important in my case is exactly the experience: knowing that these states are transient, they will go away, and are not worth acting on in any form except reaching out to someone to talk about it (friends, my therapist, a doctor). I'm glad you did just that here.

Startlingly familiar. This feeling is very typical for me with my own suicidal ideations, which do not happen often at this point, but when they do.

Do you have a feeling that this current state of yours is situational, i.e. related to recent events and conditions in your life, like the financial problems? Or is it that they somehow come and go for you, not always in relation to anything external? Again, I am asking because of what I've followed in your posts: when you had a longer depressed period, and then you were doing so well and apparently happy for a while.

Do you have a doctor or anyone you could call, to maybe help you through the worst of it somehow?

Sending hugs, my friend