(((MB))) I am so sorry. I remember your older thread where you talked about your depression and eventual rising up from it, a while ago... I felt this back then, and also now reading this post, that I have days like that also... and often without any apparent reason or trigger. Sometimes triggered by an event, but I do not believe it's primarily due to events for me.
What I've learned and find important in my case is exactly the experience: knowing that these states are transient, they will go away, and are not worth acting on in any form except reaching out to someone to talk about it (friends, my therapist, a doctor). I'm glad you did just that here.
It's sad that it's not joy of life and future goals made me stop, but unfulfilled obligations to other people - like "why my escape from life should be their problem?".
Startlingly familiar. This feeling is very typical for me with my own suicidal ideations, which do not happen often at this point, but when they do.
Do you have a feeling that this current state of yours is situational, i.e. related to recent events and conditions in your life, like the financial problems? Or is it that they somehow come and go for you, not always in relation to anything external? Again, I am asking because of what I've followed in your posts: when you had a longer depressed period, and then you were doing so well and apparently happy for a while.
Do you have a doctor or anyone you could call, to maybe help you through the worst of it somehow?
Sending hugs, my friend
