doureallycare2

I think that also Jupiters but then I doubt the validity of my own understanding of it.. Wonder if Im being harsh and critical.. just trying to find things wrong with him? UGH... hate this... There's this old song that says.. "If loving you is wrong I don't want to be right... " I have to remember that the crumbs he gives me only camouflages the real longings and needs of my soul.. needs no man can fill....

sickofthiscrap

Mine said all these things as well. When I retorted that he had brought it on himself by his ****** abusive behaviour he changed tune very quickly on got mad at me, saying "this is not an opportunity for you to put me in my place", he then blamed me for the break up and tried to guilt me saying "if you love someone you don't pick up and leave at the drop of a hat"... um, leaving because someone yells at you in the street, calls you a bitch and starts grabbing and shoving at you like cattle is not "leaving at the drop of a hat"

See how quickly he changes his tune when you call him out or don't comply with his wishes. It's all BS.

doureallycare2

When I haven't complied with his wishes, he usually went cold on me.. no text or phone calls... he withheld what I was addicted to. His validation!

sickofthiscrap

Well keep that in mind... it tells you the truth about him and the relationship. There is no reciprocity here.

Nuudawn

It is hard for me to read this "doyoureallycare2"...especially your details about your last exchange with him.

Honey..no matter what I say (what anyone says)...I know you will allow for doubt that this man is not what you suspect.

I lived in your hell for the past 4 years. I truly believe that is was only guarding the "hell" out of my sobriety that gave me strength to get myself un-clustered.

Mine wanted to marry me in the end..
But you know what I was left with? A man I knew I could never trust. Above all else..the potential for abuse, the crazy, the drama, the insanity, the overwhelming energy the relationship sucked out of my life personally and professionally...

I knew I would always be walking on egg shells...wondering what was true..what was false..and if and when the going got tough..who he would run to.

There would never be peace and calm..and healthy love and trust.

I don't want to live that way.
With alcohol
or with a broken man

doureallycare2

Thanks Nuudawn,

Would it be fair to say that I must not trust myself then? I feel maybe I'm inaccurately portraying him.

I mean I come with my own guilt in this... I knew early on he wasn't the one for me and yet his validation and love bombing met a deep need in me. so I guess I used him also.. I cant help but think I was just as much a monster. Wonder if he really fell in love with me etc.? Wonder if he really has just had rotten luck with past GF's and x wife? Then I come along, he thinks I'm the one and he sees stability and maturity and instead got a co-dependent basket case.

maybe the truth lies somewhere in the middle.. Yes he's an alcoholic-narcissist and yes I'm a controlling co-dependent, both acting out on our selfish needs putting ourselves above the other but also both wanting to love and be loved... yet not being able to do it in a healthy way....

however saying that I am smart enough to know what all of you say is true.. it would have only gotten worse. If I thought he was cruel sometimes in this 6 month relationship, how would it be after this tumultuous honeymoon period was over.. that's why I had to end it...

I heard nothing last night....

biminiblue

Wait. What?

I thought you broke up with him.

Breaking up means you don't talk/text/email/visit/booty-call, or any other relationship stuff.

Good luck to you.

doureallycare2

he insisted we stay as friends. I have been hit and miss about being strong enough not to answer his texts or calls. I think however that last call (I posted about it) was it... I'm feeling stronger and He was not happy with me.

SparkleKitty

Rather than continuing to put all the power in his hands (i.e., deciding whether your friendship is over based on your last call), you could decide for yourself to take action to remove this addiction from your radar. Block his number and move on. Then you only have to be strong once, not every time he decides it's time to see if he can hook you in again.

Earlier you posted that people don't understand your need to be validated by him. I'm guessing every single person on this forum understands that perfectly. I know I do. I got tired of waiting for others to make me feel good about myself. I got tired of clinging to bad relationships because they were all I believed I deserved or could get. I know how scary it is to be alone but it absolutely, 100%, no-doubt-about-it gets better. Especially considering that the alternative is staying stuck in relationships that make you feel bad. If not this one, then another.

Love doesn't hurt. A good relationship lifts you up, not brings you down. It is really never too late to forge the kind of robust and healthy self-esteem that draws good people into your life. Sending you strength, courage, and patience.

Jupiters

He?
Oh sweety - stop. Stop giving HIM the control/power in this. It's YOUR life. He doesn't get to choose these things for you. Do you really think staying "friends" is healthy for you? This is just another tactic on his part to continue being in control.
I'd consider changing my number at this point. As long as this guy is around, even remotely, you will never have a proper chance to fix stuff for yourself.

My apologies if I'm coming off harsh - I guess I'm having flashbacks to my toxic, unhealthy relationships b/c they all sound the same. These guys are all the same. Textbook. It makes so sad for you b/c I've been where you are. *HUGS*
you truly deserve so so so much more

kendrasfriend

Hi dou really care. O I can relate so much to. Iv been in a same situation. All i can say is get out quik. An never go bk no matter how lonely u may b. There is so much more out there 4 u. Mayb not right away but I took time out 4 myself after I rid my self of a toxic co dependant man. I concentrated on tidy my home loosing weight by taken early morning walks every day an lost 2 stones in 3 months I get lonley but I just know that my time will come. Take care

doureallycare2

I know guys, I really do... Thank you for saying it again though... It doesn't hurt to have it drummed in to my head to stay away from him. Every day will get better right?

Jupiter's, I want to take control.. I really do.. There is something in me that says don't turn your back on him... he needs you.. I was just telling a girlfriend that somehow I got this feeling that I'm his best chance at healing... And I had to laugh. What am I God? How did I ever get the belief I could save people or heal people.. I'm having a hard time healing myself... Oh the irony....

I'm really working on me right now,, going to therapy (which has been very helpful) reading. reaching out for help to you all . and Im leaving for a vacation tomorrow. I took matters into my own hands. I chose a vacation, I asked friends, and now tomorrow, myself and two other woman are going to drive 16 hours and spend a wonderful relaxing time in the sun on a beach..... I'm actually getting really excited about it but very nervous....

SparkleKitty

What's to be nervous about? It sounds lovely!

Jupiters

I felt the same way. Like I had some magical quality that was going save him. Only I was THAT special, I held the key. LOL - yaaaah right. I didn't have the key to save myself, how the crap was I going to save anyone else? Especially someone like that? The sooner you stop kidding yourself, the better off you'll be. I was trapped for years in that mentality. Add progressing drinking...to say I was a mess would be an understatement.

I'm happy you are taking this trip with friends. You need some space from this "situation"...time for YOU. You should be excited.
Are you nervous b/c you won't be in contact with him? Why are you nervous?

Eauchiche

I don't know if this has been posted yet, as I don't have time to read them all, but here goes....
Just speaking personally, I have been seeing through my AlAnon recovery work, that I chose a relationship where I was not free to express my beliefs or feelings. This mirrored my family of origin to a "T".
Sometimes we have to cut off ALL contact with the addict, so we can get well. Sometimes we feel strong enough to allow limited contact. This can change day to day, or hour to hour in my case.
Only YOU know what you need to do. In my case, I am okay with being alone. My mate can come back in my life if he chooses to, but it will be on my terms from now on.
Work your program. It will work if you work it, because you're worth it!

NoJimmy

It is critical you go no contact for good with this emotional vampire. They are masters of reflection, experts at becoming your perfect mate... It's an illusion. Love is not what an NPD seeks, nor can they offer it. Until he finds a new supply for the emotional void he is attempting to fill, he will continue trying to suck you back in. And remaining friends ensures back-up supply, I wouldn't go there.

I've been through this myself. I too thought my picker is bad, the reality is what's wrong with us completes the puzzle in this type of relationship (your EX seems to fit the NPD profile as well). The good news is it's possible to work through the issues on your side of the equation, find yourself, and find happiness. But that's not likely to happen if you stay involved at any level.

doureallycare2

Ty all. I'm not sure why I'm nervous. I have always had my xh on a trip like this. He made sure we had money, took care of the driving etc... Sure I helped but limited. What if we break down, get lost.... I know we'll be fine. I have AAA. I don't know... Until my divorce I never had to pump my own gas. My x made sure my car was always filled.

Sounds stupid right? I have a career, I'm mature, smart.... I can do this and I will have fun

Venecia

My hope for you is that the two women you're vacationing with will spend a healthy chunk of those 16 hours in the car being the no-nonsense, tell-it-like-it-is gals you need right now. Deprogrammers.

Many on SR -- Nuu, Jupiters, others -- have offered wise counsel about this man, this vampire, who you yourself have correctly identified as a narcissist. And possibly even worse. To be honest, it sounds as though it has fallen on deaf ears.

What will it take for you to wake up and realize you should have absolutely nothing to do with this person?

doureallycare2

Wow Venezia, harsh....

I don't know what it will take. I think it will take one day at a time. I've ended it for good with him, which was more then I thought I could do. I've had three conversations with him in the last two weeks. Nothing he has said has made me change my mind. I haven't seen him in a month and a half.....I think I'm doing better then i thought I could this time last month.
And I am listening to the advice on here... Very much so... You don't know how much the reinforcement has helped me.
Have I blocked his number yet? No. but I think I'm close..... This breakup is two weeks old....yes it's the 3rd time but I'm really doing it this time... I'm determined...

doureallycare2

Morning everyone. Im back from vacation, had a wonderful time and got back Sunday to a horrendous family situation. It has really thrown me. And what do I want to do more then anything in the world, reach out to the x. ugh.. I really thought I had come to peace about it all while on vacation.. I had no wish to reach out to him at all. Now, yesterday and today struggling so bad...

Im heading to a therapy apt... boy do I need it... 2 months of not seeing the x, one month sense we actually talked and 3 weeks of no text...

It took everything in me to resist sending a text this morning...