doureallycare2

Tabasco! You had me cracking up and then tearing up. I love the Brits sarcastic spence of humor as I have that Also.

Of course I would not reply I'm not crazy just codependent....

One of the tools I use not to reach out to him or answer when he calls or texts is to read back through my journal and look at all these crazy things.

As someone said earlier in this post Ive just been excepting crumbs and crumbs aren't good enough, that's what I excepted from my marriage for all those years, just crumbs.... I don't want to crumbs anymore!

But I'm tired.....the high that he gave me is gone..... I have not gone back on the dating sites.... I recognize that it was my drug of choice to help me deaden the pain and forget about the fear.

I recognize I have to face both.... I don't want to..... I am the proverbial two-year-old throwing a temper tantrum and shaking my fist at God and saying I want what I want and I want it now! I want to be happy, I want a man that loves me, I want to be able to love a man. I want a happy life now. Not somewhere down the road. I'm to old to Waite and besides I've been waiting a very long time.....
I want I want I want

However I recognize that my picker is broken. As people have said and my therapist said you receive what you put out and I'm putting out broken so I'm receiving broken.

I don't want broken anymore! So I'm not dating and not reaching out and trying to heal I'm trying to get my picker fixed. :-)

Thatdeliveryguy

Sounds like a complete douche alcoholic too me. Is he a bad man, I don't know, I suppose many when I was down and doing the alcoholic thing would think me an azz! Sounds like you love him, but also sounds like you are doing this at the risk of your sanity.


If I told you to leave, you might hate me and resent the fact I told you that, again sounds like you love him. If I told you to stay you sound like you might resent me because he is an abusive person. Catch 22 you know!

Is he alcoholic yes, is he abusive yep, stay or go is your decision, but are you happy? Do you know what you are willing to risk for this relationship, can you live with an alcoholic, a point I didn't here is why do you stay? Why do you stay? You sound like you're losing a lot and gaining a little in the affection/love department, ask yourself that question. I think its vital.

Stay safe please, he sounds abusive, I think he could be a good man, based on your description you sound like a good women, but really really think about your needs and your wants and where you want to go in life. Don't be afraid or clingy, somone else will love you too if you leave him, if you want to stay stay but stay for the right reasons if you go go, but don't regret that decision

Good day to you friends life is full of possibilities I digress, yes he is alcoholic to answer your question codependent why? Only you can answer that question? Be well friend

soberjuly

Some thoughts...

One, your ex calls you and complains about his GF because I think he is trying to keep you hooked. He cheated on you with her, he left you for her, he is living with her. He has NO business calling you up and complaining about her. I personally wouldn't believe it and he sounds manipulative.

Two, this BF you had fed your ego. I am 54 and overweight but he loves me for me! He is so handsome I can't believe he likes me!

Stop cutting yourself down for one. And don't date someone because you think they are better than you and out of your league and wow aren't they doing you a favor by dating you? For him to lower himself and date an older lady, an overweight lady. I mean that is what it sounds like your self-talk is and you should stop that.

Personally, it's going to sound majorly corny but I really think you should concentrate on the person more than the outside. Not saying you should date someone who repulses you but there are lots of nice and kind men out there who don't manipulate and aren't addicted.

I had a girlfriend who had this dumb rule that she wouldn't date a man under 6 ft tall. She was barely 5 ft tall! Serious! She liked them tall and that was that.

I'm so glad I never had a rule like that, one of my best relationships was with a guy who was about 4 inches shorter and my husband is about 1 inch shorter (I'm 5'9").

My point is, broaden your horizons. When I was dating I gave almost anyone a first chance as in a first date. I rarely went on a 2nd date because you just know if you click or not, but I gave almost everyone a chance because who knows?

What if the guy was as funny as Billy Crystal? Wouldn't that be great, some guy who could crack you up constantly? One of my best friends in HS was this guy who was so amazingly funny. I would be in stitches constantly. I know he liked me but I was young, plus he never asked me out. Then a guy who looked a lot like the lead singer of Ah-Ha asked me out in HS and he became my first and only BF in HS. It wasn't because of his looks, it was because he actually asked me out, he was actually the only guy to ever ask me out in HS.

I digress, but don't sell yourself short. There are really a lot of great men out there but by great men, I am meaning inside. Yes, corny but you want a lasting relationship I assume. And sex, in my opinion, is better when you are very connected with the person.

I think you were/are? infatuated with this young and handsome basement-dweller.

Thanks for posting your story and please don't get back with this guy and don't give him any money! (I am always suspicious of people's motives when I hear things like this). That is not to say you are unlovable, you can find someone who loves you but you need to love yourself first.

doureallycare2

Thank you for your response soberjuly. You are spot on about my exh except for the part where he left me. He was very surprised by the divorce papers he received and the request that he vacate our property within 72 hours. (I gave him a weekend to move) he wouldn't tell me for months where he had moved to and made several attempts in those months to get me to drop it.

As far as not believing the BF liked me, did I say that? I know that most of these guys find me attractive, I don't think I felt flattered that he did. However, knowing some men find you attractive does not necessary bolster poor self esteem.

My problem is that I'm unhappy with me and always have been. When I was thin, I was too thin... When I developed curves, I was to curvy. There is always something wrong and I always believe (probably because of the history with my exh) they will find someone that meets some need I can't...

soberjuly

Ahh the internet, no facial expressions...so hard to get the right meanings!

Well you said 2 things which I took wrong.

One was:
I always considered myself a woman who loves God with all her heart, a former youth leader of 20 years. Until my husband had an affair with our church organist and friend. (What the church didn’t know was that this was one of over 20 affairs) Any ways we separated

So I took that as he caused the breakdown of the marriage and as you said he is living with the organist, I assumed he left you for her. I just misinterpreted what you wrote.

Then you wrote, about the BF:
However he was the handsomest, youngest, and manliest of all the men I dated and he wanted me! He found me beautiful! he not only complimented my 54 year old (out of shape and overweight) body, but he complimented my character and my heart. I have never had a man spend so much time on the phone with me.. yes its always about him but sometimes he complements me. Of course I learned really quickly not to give an opinion as he told me that my mouth needs to be duck taped when I say something so naive or stupid

You seemed to express surprise he would be interested in you and mentioned your age and weight in the same paragraph - 54 and out of shape - while saying he is so handsome and young. I just didn't want you to sell yourself short!

It's hard to describe a relationship in a few paragraphs! I know I probably didn't understand the whole story.

I think stepping back from the BF would be a good idea though. Just re-read Tabasco's post. I think he or she nailed it!

doureallycare2

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just found this article and cant believe how on target it is for my relationship with the my x BF as well as my XH.

Some may say, how did you ever perceive the BF as a success... Easy he told me he was.. right on the first date. I did not find out that the basement was a 3 year project, or the dead GF until I was well and truly hooked.

It’s easy to fall in love with narcissists. Their charm, talent, success, beauty, and charisma cast a spell, along with compliments, scintillating conversation, and even apparent interest in you. Perhaps you were embarrassed when your mate cut in front of the line or shuddered at the dismissive way he or she treated a waitress. Once hooked, you have to contend with their demands, criticisms, and self-centeredness. The relationship revolves around them, and you’re expected to meet their needs when needed, and are dismissed when not.

What it’s Like. In the beginning, you were delighted to be in the narcissist’s aura. Now you’re tense and drained from unpredictable tantrums, attacks, and unjustified indignation at imaginary slights. You begin to doubt yourself, worry what he or she will think, and become as pre-occupied with the narcissist, as he or she is with him or herself.

After a while, you start to lose self-confidence. Your self-esteem may have been intact when you met, but your partner finds you coming up short, and doesn’t fail to point it out. Most narcissists are perfectionists, and nothing you or others do is right or appreciated. Talking about your disappointment or hurt gets turned into your fault or another opportunity to put you down. They can dish it, but not take it, being highly sensitive to any perceived judgment.

Narcissists have no boundaries and see you as an extension of themselves, requiring that you’re on call to meet their needs – regardless of whether you’re ill or in pain. You might get caught-up in trying to please them. This is like trying to fill a bottomless pit. Their needs, whether for admiration, service, love, or purchases, are endless. You might go out of your way to fill their request only to have your efforts devalued because you didn’t read their mind. They expect you to know without having to ask. You end up in a double-blind – damned if you displease them and damned when you do. Narcissists don’t like to hear “No.” Setting boundaries threatens them. They’ll manipulate to get their way make sure you feel guilty if you’re bold enough to risk turning them down. You become afraid that if you don’t please them, you risk an onslaught of blame and punishment, love being withheld, and a rupture in the relationship. All too possible, because the narcissist’s relationship is with him or herself. You just have to fit in. Nevertheless, you stay in the relationship, because periodically the charm, excitement, and loving gestures that first enchanted you return.

Narcissist and co-dependents are the perfect fit, albeit painful, for ordinary codependents, because their low self-esteem, is boosted by the narcissist’s attributes and aura of success. It also allows them to tolerate the narcissist’s emotional abuse. They feel needless and guilty asserting their needs and caring for a narcissist makes them feel valued. Because they feel undeserving of receiving love, they don’t expect to be loved for who they are – only for what they give or do.

Treatment. Narcissists don’t usually seek help unless a major loss shatters their illusions. But both narcissism and codependency can be healed with courage, time, and a commitment to yourself. Recovery entails improving boundaries and self-acceptance based upon real self-knowledge. Psychotherapy and joining a 12-Step program are beneficial ways to start.
© Darlene Lancer, 2011

Nuudawn

There it is. Right there.
And you USE relationships to VALIDATE you.

That WAS me too..

Hi...My name is Nuu
I am an ADDICT...of alcoholic, nicotine, and relationships (real ones AND ones in my head).

I have been right where you are...for years.

Only a few weeks ago when I struggling with anxiety and lonelieness..thoughts of my toxic bipolar, borderline, pill popping, sex addict ex prodded at my brain just as frequent as thoughts of getting plastered on wine, having a smoke. I had to fight myself from texting.

You are ADDICTED to this man. You need to get help for that. You are USING this relationship for your own deficiencies of worth and self acceptance.
You can go on and on about what is wrong with him. I'm pretty sure you are still struggling to accept that he is broken through and through..beyond repair. If he is repairable it will have NOTHING to do with you. He has to do that. Personality disordered individuals AND addicts need to want it themselves.

It is YOU that needs to get help with this ADDICTION.
People can shake their heads and say "get up and leave fool"..but it is just as insidious as addiction to alcohol or any other substance.

And it will strike you when you are lonely and vulnerable ...same as any other.

Believe me I know.

If you are not up to changing your phone number. There are many free phone blocker apps...one I am currently using is awesome. I don't know if he calls or texts...or NOT.

You see..as an addict...You WANT to know if he is trying to reach you. It's a fix for your self worth. And you gotta stop that.

doureallycare2

You are very correct! When my friend asked me why I couldn't block his number, I said I just cant! I have to see if he at least try's to contact me.... we actually struggled for my phone.. I went into panic mode thinking she was going to block him on me... Its one thing to not answer his calls or texts but I NEED to at know he has tried... or so I say to myself.. because the real difficult part is when he's not reaching out... I need his attention, his validation, almost as much as I need air.... people don't understand that...

I'm making some progress though.. this weekend was slightly better then last...I'm not as depressed.

Jupiters

the more distance you put between yourself and this "man", the easier it will get provided you are doing some serious soul searching. I can guarantee you that.
Once you start dealing with your issues and slowly starting to chip away at why you thought/think you deserve this, you will be more equipped to not want to even deal with his BS.
I think going away this weekend with friends is a wonderful idea!!! time to start living YOUR life. YOUR way. Build up that confidence!!!!

and since life is just funny and weird - I bet once you start feeling better about yourself and loving yourself, you'll meet someone. most likely when you don't even want to date b/c hey! that's what life does. It likes to keep us on our toes.
good luck !!! you deserve so much better.

soberjuly

I suspect my ex is a narcissist. As far as tall tales, he would cheat on me and tell these ladies that he was allowing me to live with him because he felt sorry for me. What a nice guy huh? Except that I was living there because I was his wife. I was totally unaware. He even said he was staying there because his flat in Stockholm was being renovated. He also told them he was staying because of the kids. If I moved out, I would take the kids and he couldn't bear that. Hey, if a man is living with the mother of his children AND his kids - there's a good chance he is actually a married guy looking for some side action. Can't believe how many women buy these stories when the writing is on the wall.

And they bought it. He had a few women strung along.

I have this to say ladies...when the stories don't add up, when you find yourself wondering why? why don't things make sense?

Well, you shouldn't have those feelings in a relationship. You shouldn't have to wonder why he said he was at the gym but his gym bag he left at home...or 1,000 other tales and things that don't fit.

The business trips he would take to Latvia. Business, yeah right. More like let's visit a poor country where we can be the rich Swede and string women along. Like an American going to Tijuana I guess or Thailand. My ex-Swedish father-in-law recently married a woman he met in Thailand who is about 40 years younger than pappa Lars. Kinda embarrassing that my kids technically have a grandmother younger than their own mother.

Ok, sorry to get sidetracked...the point, when someone really truly loves you, you won't be sitting up nights wondering why things don't seem to be making sense, they just will.

A good relationship shouldn't be a struggle. It should be a joy.

doureallycare2

Thank you.. It's just what I needed to hear tonight.

Pretend3r

I am married to a narcissist. Its almost broken me just as badly as my drinking has broken me. The verbal abuse, the loneliness, the feeling you're going insane. I want to file for divorce but he has quit half his income (just as the one year approaches in NC and I can now file). This means not much child support. I got left holding the bag with all the bills in my name but thank goodness for my career I haven't screwed that up. My family isn't near enough to help me with my son. I have an almost 2 hour commute daily. Its no wonder I feel as if I'm going to implode with just "too much on my shoulders". My chest feels like a ton of bricks just sit on it. I drink to make it go away. I have to stop now for my son, but its very hard. Narcissist lives at home now with his parents. They are also brainwashed and feel bad for " what's happened to him" even though he had lots of girls on the side, including a Craigslist masseuse (to put it kindly). He love bombed me then gaslighted me until I finally came out of the fog. I just pray for my son, I have to be "normal" for him!

soberjuly

Pretend3r...my ex-husband had a lot of girls on the side. He also had lots of Craigslist ladies he was emailing only I would not say they were masseuses...it was like "let's hook up"...it was horrible, unbelievable...of course his family never thought the marriage failure was from him but from me being such a loser wife and mother...when I found all of this out though, I had already quit drinking (the 1st time). Maybe I would have realized sooner if I hadn't been drinking, I will never know. We divorced after my 1st drinking period of 2.5 years...I started drinking again after baby #3 was born (new relationship but I just get postpartum depression easily), I quit after 4.5 years and came here.

EJ43

Hi doureallycare! Please stay away. Your post worried me. He is manipulating and controlling you. By putting you down and "punishing" you, he is wrapping your self esteem up with him. Break away and be by yourself. If it's hard to be alone, work on that first! Read again the bold sentences, and RUN!

Pretend3r

Yep soberjuly, mine paid for hand jobs and probably more, then told me I was a crappy wife because I was put off about having sex with him. I'm glad to be separated. Glad you got away, and mostly glad you're here and I'm here, bettering ourselves.

Pretend3r

Douyoureallycare2, stay away. It will get worse over time.

sickofthiscrap

Please stay away from this guy. Sure he's an alcoholic and that's bad enough, but he's also an abuser. He'll be an abuser whether he's drinking or not.

I just left an emotionally abusive relationship a couple of months ago. Inflagrante is right, these relationships are hard to get out of because of the highs and lows. Ditto to what she said, it was the best and worst relationship I've been in. So don't blame yourself for loving him too much... but....

the crucial point is that abuse almost always escalates. My ex abused me mentally and emotionally but towards the end started grabbing my arm during arguments, shoving.. you see where this is going?

I left for the final time because I knew that if I went back to him again he wouldn't let me leave, and that could get really ugly.

So many women are permanently damaged or killed in abuse situations. Don't be another statistic.

Jupiters

this is how it starts...first the verbal, emotional abuse...then slowly starts escalating into physical arguments...a shove, a grab, a smack...and the longer you stay, the more he thinks he can get away with it. It has the potential to get very bad, very fast. Mine ended up with him practically strangling me on a vodka induced rampage where I then kicked him down a flight of stairs.
Of course, his recollection and story to the cops was " the b**** kicked me down the stairs!!"...totally neglecting the fact that I did that b/c he was strangling me.
run. Do not look back. Do not collect $200...just run.

doureallycare2

Thank you all for your responses and concern! I recognized early on the need to protect myself, question is why didn't I? Sure I tried breaking it off a couple of times before this final one but I went back into it hoping for better results.

So I answered his call last night, I felt so bad of all the calls and texts I have ignored. at first he was very sweet... He feels as though he has lost all chance of happiness by losing me. He said I have affected him as no other woman ever has and he's deeply saddened at losing me. He said he cares what happens to me and hopes I reach out to him if I ever need him.. He knows I have to move when our house sells and said to call him, his truck and his back are all mine.. he talked about the work he's been getting done now that he's trying to not think of me and staying busy.. He has his toilet in finally etc., etc..

This was the first time he didn't ask me out again or try and turn the call sexual. he did say that he hasn't been able to sleep under the sheets since I have left. That I was the last person that slept on them and he doesn't want to wash them ( I haven't been there since the 3rd week in July).

he asked me how I was but as soon as I started talking about my trip I'm taking Saturday he got testy. He doesn't believe Im going with just girlfriends. and if I am its still an issue that I like to take trips and how social I am. The difference with this conversation is I didn't try to defend my choices.. I said, your right, we live our lives totally different and its one of the reasons I ended it with you.. There were several long pauses and he would just breath my name heavy and with seeming regret.

I tried to end the call several times and he would just be silent but finally when I said I really had to go he said I just needed to hear your voice again and hope you have a good week. It sounded very final.... I think that may be it....

So ladies, I'm so sorry that you all have had such bad experiences with these guys... I hope your able to overcome the alcohol addiction for your children's sake and yours... I can totally understand turning to a drug of choice to help numb the pain. I wish you all the very best and my heart breaks for you! Thank you for sharing with me, it does reinforce to me that I made the right decision!

Jupiters

wow, he's good.
I really REALLY hope you do choose to not go back. This has so many red flags waving at me right now, I'm blind.
Please, focus on YOU. I would do my damndest to not be answering any calls/texts. This guy has this down to a fine art. I don't mean to sound harsh or cynical - but this guy is textbook.
*hugs*