sugarbear1

buy yourself a large stuffed animal.....

hugs and love to you

doureallycare2

I had such a good apt. It not only amazes me how strong the pull of addiction is, but how strongly a mis-wired brain can analyze and justify. Then when we struggle with that pull, that crutch, that habit, that addiction and the thought process that got us to that point. How we can beat ourselves up for it. My therapist reminded me this morning that in stead of it being a defeat, I had a victory! I did not reach out for the tiny crumb of pleasure/fix (validation) that calling my x would have given to me.

That instead and in spite of the pull/need, I recognized and acknowledged how detrimental that would have been to my healing process. To the overall well being of my better self and resisted contacting him.
What a different way to look at it.. I tend to beat myself up so bad about these battles and that I'm not over this..

Jupiters

I'm sorry you came home to a family crisis
but am glad to hear you had a lovely vacay with some girls. AND didn't reach to the ex.
We all know, that wouldn't have gone the way you think anyways. You MAY not have even gotten the temporary reprieve you THINK you would have. After a lengthy no contact, he may have acted like a total DBag off the hop and asked why you were bothering him? So, really...any scenario wasn't going to be a nice one.
Stay close to here. I'm happy your counselling helped!

doureallycare2

you my friend are exactly right!

Jupiters

I've made the mistake of reaching out in a time of need to the toxic ex, thinking/hoping that he would somehow comfort me.
how wrong I was. it just made it ten times worse b/c he basically said "why the eff are you calling me now?"

just better to start navigating through these tough times by yourself and with friends/family that care.

doureallycare2

So Somehow I thought last night was going to be better... nope.... could not lift a finger in my home. and looking at the mess just makes me more depressed. When I was going with the xbf my house and myself always looked amazing. even in the hard stressful times. I always wanted to look my best and have my home looking its best. Now with my 3rd night of no sleep. stress and depression I look as bad as my home looks...Trying to remember what therapist said. But I'm so stressed... I just want to be happy.. why am I idealizing him? I want someone to rescue me.. make me feel better about myself. I know, I know... no one can.. I have to do the work.... right now I just feel like I have nothing...

Jupiters

it's early days. That's why people always stick around in relationships that are horrible for them, it's the easy way out. Regardless of the fact that the person is a total a$$hat and has zero respect/care for them. Stop remembering the "few" good times and start re wiring your head to remember ALL the bad times. If it were easy, nobody would be in bad relationships and nobody would have addiction issues. Unfortunately, that isn't the case. You need to slowly start taking care of you, one step at a time, day by day, changing old habits into new ones. You'll also start liking yourself a lot more as you do this, I can guarantee that.

3arai

I really just read your first post & then skimmed through.

I'm glad you ended things. He's an abusive jerk who you suspect may have murdered the last girl!!

I'm not a huge believer in co-dependence. And I don't think it applies here anyway, reading your OP, you did nothing to enable his drinking. What you were dealing with was verbal and emotional abuse.

There's a really good book by Lundy Bancroft and also some by Patricia Evans.

Don't answer his calls or texts.

Nuudawn

Hey Dou...can't help thinking that part of what you are going through is withdrawal hon. It wasn't all that long ago that during a particularly difficult week I had my toxic trinity of addiction hounding at my heels for almost a week.

Have a drink..
Have a smoke..
Call/text W.

It was an obnoxious difficult loop. I eventually caved on the cigarettes..only to discover it was just a big old "illusion"..it didn't cure what ailed me. I put the smokes down again..and soldiered on.

I really, really urge you to put a blocker app on your phone...cut the chord permanently. It's helpful in the sense that you don't know if HE does contact you..OR if he DOESN'T. It neither validates you..or invalidates you. It's neutral.

Walking around with the phone in your purse..would be like me walking around with an airplane bottle of wine in mine.

So glad to hear you're dealing with a therapist.

Jupiters

How Painful Relationships Can Be The Best Teachers

I thought of you reading this today.
Hope you enjoy it

doureallycare2

Very close to a lot of what my therapist says.. you know the part that got me.... 18 months!!!! yikes... I want the healing now!!! I don't want to feel this pain...

Dee74

While I felt that way, I kept falling into very bad relationships.

When you're desperate for someone to make you happy, I found I settled for far less than I deserved.

Take some time out - be with yourself...fix those things you can fix and accept those you can't.

When you love yourself, you'll find your 'picker' gets a lot more precise and accurate

D

doureallycare2

I agree with the with the withdrawal.
My therapist asked me last month and my answer is still the same about blocking his number. I don't really even know why, but my fear is he's the last relationship I'm ever going to have. And I want to save those text messages and those voice messages. They might be the only times someone ever says I love you again to me or that I'm special or beautiful.

Nuudawn

Oh darling...I hear you. I really, really do...but it's all a lie. My head has been just as messed up as yours..it really has. I commend you for your honesty. It's so very raw and full of pain. He is not the answer sweetie. All your answers are within you. My ex? Oh gawd..I shudder to think how many women he messed up with his insanity and brokeness. But they too...like me...were broken too. I actually spoke with one who had been holding on to his scraps for over a decade. She's probably still around.

This is not love. I think you know that. This is you riding an emotional roller coaster of drama and hurt and desperate self esteem...which is screaming love me, love me, love..please somebody love me and make me feel okay.

When I first entered therapy (over my ex)..my therapist said to me "it's not his job..it's not in his "contract" to make you feel better about yourself..that's not what relationships are about".

It makes my head spin to think of it now. I remember I was stunned. I can't believe I actually said this..only about..hmmm..19 months ago. I look at her..genuinely perplexed and said "they're not? well then..what are they for?". She looked at me and said "you're going to have to figure that out for yourself". I said "well, if they are not there to make me feel good..what do I need one for?". She answered..."you might discover you don't even want one".

This scared me. This confused me.
I am no longer confused..and I am embarrassed that I was that..oh I dunno..ignorant? Obtuse? No idea.

Relationships don't save you. You do. I swear to God..YOU do. We got handed a whole lot of BS with Hollywood fairytales..which created a whole lot of effed up relationships with everyone expecting the other to make them happy.

It's no one's job..but yours.

Incidentally... I now have a lovely man in my life..that I am not "addicted" to. I finally gave up on the notion of Prince Charming a while back. One day I realized that "the one" might never arrive..and I will probably be okay without him. I had a couple more struggles ahead of me even after that notion (I relapsed with both booze..and that man)..but it was part of my process and progress. For me..that's my truth.

doureallycare2

Nuudawn, thank you so much for sharing your vulnerability with me. It made me cry... Part of me knows they were scraps and yet the larger part of me screams "NO". This man seemed to make himself so vulnerable to me also.. I cant help but think he genuinely loved me as much as he is capable of love. (an alcoholic can love right? its just a selfish love and the booze will always be more important right?)

I feel like I was the one that was holding back on him. I was so desperately seeking a connection that I let all the lovebombing he did in the beginning eclipse all my doubts about how right he was for me and how right I was for him.... I knew I didn't want someone that drank. I semi ignored it... didn't want to deal with it.... yet held back some of my heart.. didn't want it broken again.. but wanted him to fill that need I had for him to show me love and affection. So when he started in with all the stories of all the x's, I listened.. sure I told him a few times I didn't want to hear it but I certainly didn't make it a clear boundary... HaH... boundaries right? what are they? As long as he was taking me out, telling me how beautiful I was and helping me not feel so empty I was willing to "overlook" the things I knew I would end up being unhappy with in the long run.... And then every time he would bring up things like me moving in with him or a "where do we go from here" comments, I just told him it was too early to look at that... So sometimes I think, was it my evasiveness that made his actions not match his words with me... was he afraid of committing to me because of my lack of committing to him...?

However! I then remember that weekend of the memorial day bonfire. I was totally, romantically giving him my all I thought maybe I was falling in love.. then his unreasonable jealousy, his anger and his not coming to my picnic, and then his withdrawal of contact for two days made me take a hard look at him at the other red flags I was starting to see. It wasn't long after that weekend (that although he was still saying all things about commitment and he was still giving me all kinds of complements) that he seemed to not want to make very much of an effort to actually see me... He wanted all the phone calls, all my time and attention but like I said before on here his words were not matching his actions... still I held on for another month. I did tell him I was having doubts about us and gave him a few scenario's of why. (one night he was supposed to come to my house from the job he was on that was only a 20 min drive from my house) when he still hadn't shown up by 6pm (he got out at 4 and I expected him to be there when I got home at 5) I called him. and he said he was so tired he just drove right home which was almost an hour away. I actually had the nerve to get angry about his not calling me and letting me know and that was the first time I heard how unreasonable I was to always have to expect a set plan of meeting and cant just "go with the flow". It took another two weeks before we saw each other again so I learned if I wanted to see him to accept it on his terms. (my thought at the time was I knew that was his drinking night with his friends- and that was more important then seeing me). So I went out with my girlfriends and he got mad at me for it...

It actually just helped to wright all this down. I really was starting to put all the blame on me again and needed this reminder of how controlling he was... ha.. I'm feeling better...I'm even almost a little mad....

Jupiters

he won't be.
You will find someone who will say those things and mean them with all his heart.

biminiblue

I don't think you even need to be looking for someone to tell you those things.

Tell yourself those things. I would be very wary of a man who starts with a bunch of flowery language and "let's get involved" speeches. That is how a lot of abusive men get their hooks into vulnerable insecure women.

Take it very slowly next time.

doureallycare2

[QUOTE=biminiblue I don't think you even need to be looking for someone to tell you those things.

Tell yourself those things. I would be very wary of a man who starts with a bunch of flowery language and "let's get involved" speeches. That is how a lot of abusive men get their hooks into vulnerable insecure women.

Take it very slowly next time .[/QUOTE]

my Therapist said if I make this hard journey, get my wires crossed correctly he has no doubt ill be in a relationship again but I "wont need" the relationship....

Jeremiah2911

I echo what Venecia said: STAY AWAY FROM THIS MAN! You deserve so much more! Another person suggested that you re-read your first post. Do it, slowly. Hear your words and think about what you have "settled for" in relationships-beginning with a cheating husband. Somehow, you don't think you are "worth" anything better BUT YOU ARE! You deserve to be loved, truly loved for the amazing person that you are. Hold your relationship standards MUCH higher than you have been and find someone who truly DESERVES YOU!

doureallycare2

Im doing better today.. usually the weekends are harder but Im really busy and trying to handle things in my family. so for now.. its a good day.. ty all....