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Old 08-28-2014, 02:22 PM   #1 (permalink)
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I think Im dating an Alcohlic & Im co-dependent


So where to start? I'm loss, is that a good starting point?
My history: Daughter of an alcoholic Dad (abandon us- married 5 times etc.)

I always considered myself a woman who loves God with all her heart, a former youth leader of 20 years. Until my husband had an affair with our church organist and friend. (What the church didn’t know was that this was one of over 20 affairs) Any ways we separated, they were unrepentant and underwent church discipline. I was separated from him for two years until he had congestive heart failure. I then took him back (left my church at his request) and nursed him. That lasted for 8 years. 2 years ago he had another affair. I filed for divorce. he lives with the woman he was having an affair with but contacts me about how unhappy he is.

So what's going on now? I have fallen farther than I ever thought I could ever fall....Several months after my 2 year long divorce was final and I thought I was actually healed but just lonely, I joined an on line dating site (that was just about a year ago). I cant tell you how many men I have dated, at first I was very picky.. had to be a Christian, had to have certain moral attributes. Very gradually as I was not finding anyone to "fit the bill" my stringent "dating guideline’s" fell by the wayside (and so did most of my moral guidelines I always adhered to). The man I'm dating now seemed to have a form of religion and that was good enough after all he believes in God and Jesus that's what counts right (sarcastic)? We have had a "relationship" for 6 months now. he came on very strong very fast. he met my family with in weeks and I met his family and friends within a month. I just met his friends last month (drunks).

I think he is probably an alcoholic (most nights when he calls he said he has had a few and slurs his words- he also forgets conversations), he smokes pot, lives in his basement of a house he has been building for 3 years now (still just has a very basic basement, no bathroom, no walls separating rooms etc...) and his last girlfriend died of mysterious circumstances on his property 2 years ago.( drowned in his pond after a relationship argument). Of course all these things were more than red flags...

However he was the handsomest, youngest, and manliest of all the men I dated and he wanted me! He found me beautiful! he not only complimented my 54 year old (out of shape and overweight) body, but he complimented my character and my heart. I have never had a man spend so much time on the phone with me.. yes its always about him but sometimes he complements me. Of course I learned really quickly not to give an opinion as he told me that my mouth needs to be duck taped when I say something so naďve or stupid. he will say a complement like he cant stop thinking about me' I'm to beautiful for words" then he will say right after "that's why I worry if you lose the weight you need to. Ill lose you...." The first time that it happened I called him on it.. I don't anymore.

We talk on the phone 2-3 hours every night (he drinks through the conversation)and I have to be there to take his calls. He hated it if I went to dinner with friends so I gradually stopped doing that. I refused to stop doing things with my family though and that is a constant problem with us.. I have slowly stopped going to something's (like graduation parties ect.) and have drastically reduced any time with friends. I go home every night just to talk with him. He is very jealous, always thinks I'm looking for another man. (he just seems to like to pick fights over the phone- 1/3 of the conversation is always negative.

If he is displeased he would withhold affection and conversations.. Everything very quickly seems as though its on his terms. if he doesn't want to see me over the weekend we don't get together, he will not make set plans with me (and mocks and ridicules me that I need or want set plants) he will say we will see for Saturday, maybe dinner, maybe you spending the night at my house (usually will not happen). Many times the dates would be cancelled even if they were planned. I tried ending it twice before. Only to answered his calls once he has assured me that he loves me. I had to keep it a secret from family that I was seeing him again. 54 years old and I'm lying, having exciting sex , yet scared to death because I know I have to end it. We go weeks with out seeing each other, right now it has been almost a month because he got mad at me for going camping with my family.

Summer is very hectic for him.. he has priorities, cleaning his pond, cutting trees, drinking with his friends. All this yet I'm scared to really end it with him, I feel guilty. He needs me. he's a lost soul.. the only time he sees his daughters is when they need money. all his friends are drunks and dope heads. and he's alone every night in this unfinished basement.. How can he live that way...

I realize that I never healed from the loss of my marriage, what I feel at the inevitable loss of this newest relationship is just added on to all this other grief... I'm lost, I'm alone... I cry out. I seek my Lord but he seems far from me. Who is the sorrowful person that needs saving, me or him?

Anyways, how can I hope that anyone understands the turmoil of loving this man that seems so controlling yet vulnerable?
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Old 08-28-2014, 02:25 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I would say I wish you all the best and let someone better equipped answer this

All the best stay posting and good luck
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Old 08-28-2014, 02:33 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Please read your post out loud to yourself.


This man is trouble. He is abusive, alcoholic, and controlling and you are under his spell.

What do you see in this guy besides good looks and exciting sex? If you were to honestly ask God to help you, and listen to the reply. . .
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Old 08-28-2014, 02:40 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Cut him loose. Change your phone number.
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Old 08-28-2014, 02:53 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Hi doureallycare, welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you're going through this, it doesn't sound like he is making you happy at all.

What about what you, yourself wants. Your needs are important.

Some one will be along with more experience than myself soon. Who has or is experiencing the same as yourself.

Take care, be strong. Keep posting and visiting us.
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Old 08-28-2014, 02:57 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Glad these responses are coming in now

You have to leave for your own welfare alone this will only get worse I'm afraid just go somewhere safe
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Old 08-28-2014, 03:07 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I would say you are right...he's an alcoholic (at the very least an alcohol abuser) and you seem to be codependent. This could take a serious turn for the worst if you don't get out now. Let someone else be his emotional crutch and open yourself to others who will appreciate you and all you have to offer.
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Old 08-28-2014, 03:14 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Ask yourself why you are putting yourself through this. I know my self-destructive repeat patters with toxic unavailable men. When I meet some guy who makes my heart go pitter patter I run like hell!
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Old 08-28-2014, 03:16 PM   #9 (permalink)
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You deserve better than that. I know it's hard to hear but he doesn't need you, he needs treatment for alcoholism. Almost none of what you described sounds like a healthy relationship, and yes, many of the traits you mentioned are red flags. Sorry to be blunt, but alcoholism (past a certain point) many times can cause someone to act that way and if he isn't willing to get sober then you need to get out.
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Old 08-28-2014, 03:20 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Welcome, Doureallycare2. And yes, we really do care.

When my husband relapsed and I found my life had spiraled out of control, I sought the help of a counselor that specialized in drug & alcohol addiction as I needed to learn a lot about the disease. Eventually I also found this site, started attending AlAnon, and took the suggestions to read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.

It sounds to me that you already know what you need to do, but maybe you need some support to actually do it. Keep reaching out and you will find the support you need.

There is also a Friends & Families of Alcoholics board here where you will find others that are or have been in similar relationships. There are also a number of sticky threads there which contain a wealth of information and support. Glad you found us.
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Old 08-28-2014, 03:33 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by oldsoul1122 View Post
Ask yourself why you are putting yourself through this. I know my self-destructive repeat patters with toxic unavailable men. When I meet some guy who makes my heart go pitter patter I run like hell!
I agree. I am alone because I am aware of my toxic taste in men. Although I am frequently lonely, I know this is better than the relationships I have been in.
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Old 08-28-2014, 03:38 PM   #12 (permalink)
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We alcoholics are a lovable lot until you come to realize that we are far more in love with alcohol than the people who love us. As in all relationships 3 is a crowd. I am very sorry you had to discover this the hard way. Unfortunately his first love is drinking and you are along for the ride as long as you don't interfere. Maybe someday he will sober up but until that day a relationship with an alcoholic has very few positives.

You can forgive him but you deserve so much more
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Old 08-28-2014, 03:43 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Old 08-28-2014, 04:58 PM   #14 (permalink)
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We alcoholics are a lovable lot until you come to realize that we are far more in love with alcohol than the people who love us. As in all relationships 3 is a crowd. I am very sorry you had to discover this the hard way. Unfortunately his first love is drinking and you are along for the ride as long as you don't interfere. Maybe someday he will sober up but until that day a relationship with an alcoholic has very few positives.

You can forgive him but you deserve so much more
I was a drunk before I met my exbf almost 4 years ago and I was drunk through the entire relationship, came to realize I loved wine more than him. Came to realize in Sobriety that I never really was in love, but part of me did care for him. Imagine if I married him and then sobered up. ::SHRUDDER::.....to realize you were never in love with someone. How do you reconsile that?

Play this tape through, carefully. It seems you already have your answer, though. God bless you.

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Old 08-28-2014, 05:43 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Please read your post out loud to yourself.


This man is trouble. He is abusive, alcoholic, and controlling and you are under his spell.

What do you see in this guy besides good looks and exciting sex? If you were to honestly ask God to help you, and listen to the reply. . .
Some of the best advice I've ever seen on SR.

A lot of us have had to make choices at a fork in the road. Mine was 17 years ago when I split with a boyfriend (alcoholic, irony noted ... it was before my drinking reached the point it did) who would have dragged me down like a ton of bricks. Smartest move I ever made was ending it.

Re-read your post aloud. Block his emails, phone number, the whole nine yards. End this now.
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Old 08-28-2014, 08:22 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Doyoureallycare2, try posting and reading on the Friends and Families of Alcoholics forum here on SoberRecovery. Lots of people there are dealing with just what you are dealing with and will give you support, compassion, and wisdom from their own experiences.

There are "stickies" at the top of the index page for each forum. There are two stickies about abuse on the Friends and Families of Alcoholics page that will be helpful for you to read. English Garden wrote an eloquent series of questions about how the abuser treats his victim, and my story is there.

From what you write, I believe you are being gaslighted and are a victim of Stockholm syndrome. This is a very unhealthy situation, and as you get deeper into it, it gets harder to realize just how bad it is.

Try going to Alanon and finding some support. Reach out to your family and friends again. And understand that now, after this abusive brainwashing, you are seeing YOUR life through the lens of HIS perspective. Find people who know you and love you and can tell you the reality of what is happening to you. There is a better more fulfilling life for you.

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Old 08-29-2014, 07:34 AM   #17 (permalink)
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From what you write, I believe you are being gaslighted and are a victim of Stockholm syndrome. This is a very unhealthy situation, and as you get deeper into it, it gets harder to realize just how bad it is.

Try going to Alanon and finding some support. Reach out to your family and friends again. And understand that now, after this abusive brainwashing, you are seeing YOUR life through the lens of HIS perspective. Find people who know you and love you and can tell you the reality of what is happening to you. There is a better more fulfilling life for you.

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Thank you ShootingStar, I had never heard of this term before so I looked it up. I have so many of the emotional bullet points that were listed. In the beginning I recognized and even journal'd about how wrong his perceptions were and how hurtful some of his comments were. As I said I even broke up with him a couple of times. I always tried to give him the benefit of the doubt though and see things his way.. I do feel like Ive gone crazy. I havnt heard from him sense Monday now and part of me is so thankful yet the other part of me wants to reach out and apologize. On Monday he said he felt as if he lost me a couple of weeks ago and he didn't think he could take it... that he is so anxious and cant stop thinking about me.. Like I said before though in that same conversation he says how disappointed in me he is that I feel the need to attend "all these social events (like my nieces graduation party) and that I HAVE to "take a weeks vacation". That he would have thought a mature woman who was a wife for so many years would be content to stay at home. He said he's a simple person and is happy just being at his place enjoying nature. When I tried to explain that its hard for me to just be home alone because while I was married we were all ways doing something on the weekend, and how I love being around my family and friends and I didn't believe that to be immature just who I am. I told him that if my boyfriend wanted to be with me over the weekend I would be content with that also. He said none of what I just said addresses the fact that I always have to have a plan and be doing something.. that its very immature of me and it hurts him that I cant be more content. (I didn't see until we hung up how he still did not address the fact that he didn't want to actually spend time with me in person.. just wants to talk on the phone every night for 3 hours.. ugh... ) I'm very close to blocking his number and at the same time came very close to sending him a silly good morning text this morning to try and break the ice. I equate it with an addiction.. I know its bad for me, know it can hurt me yet its a struggle and a war every minute to do the right thing and stay away from him.
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Old 08-29-2014, 07:36 AM   #18 (permalink)
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I want to thank every one for your responses.. it makes me believe that there really is support out there and that I "will' be able to do this!
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Old 08-30-2014, 08:50 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Okay so I ended it again this morning. And I already feel like I'm in withdrawal. Determined it's going to stick I was more blunt with him then I've ever been before he was not happy with me at all. At first angry, confused, then mocking, and trying to be compassionate and understanding but still asked me to go out with him tomorrow night just as friends. When I told him no he said he understands I'm where he was 15 years ago and I just need some time and we hung up.
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Old 08-30-2014, 09:02 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Stay away from this toxic man. Period.
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