countrygirl2014

At first I thought it was me. I quit smoking over 3 weeks ago. I also quit drinking at the same time, with a relapse Sunday. My fiancé is still drinking. He is doing it at his work, my work...everywhere he can but home.
There is this really awful odor about him that goes well beyond stale beer. He got sick two weeks ago and this stink really picked up since. Stale beer, old cigarettes, and something else...like death, or sour, and poop breath and b.o. It's repulsive. It's even there after he showers. I can't stand it.
I find myself picking active drinkers apart, like I'm on this pedestal (I'm working on that). Is it my imagination? He always had bad days even when I was drinking daily and I know my senses are enhanced now that I am cleaning up my act. But it seems to be getting worse.
His whole drinking problem seems to be getting worse. He is passed out between 8 and 10. He no longer showers. He skips whole meals. No deodorant and no brushing his teeth. I can't leave. I have no place to go and no money to do it with.
Is it me? Me who is trying to get some sober time under her belt and in the meantime picking apart the man I love? I'm not jealous he is drinking...not at all. It's actually quite motivating.

Waterwaver

Im feeling the same way and in a similar situation. My partner is also still drinking, I stopped 2 months ago, I just had had enough - now because I dont drink anymore and dont want to ever go there again, I find I am picking out all his faults now and can clearly see the changes in him after each drink.

We are definitely not on the same wavelength anymore, we have children together... and I shield them as much as i can when he does drink. He works away at sea at 6 days at a time but when he is home he constantly has a can of beer in his hand. He wouldnt get blind drunk, but it is constant and everyday has alcohol involved in it.

Like you I dont want to drink and the relief of not thinking about it and always having it for an evening is very up-lifting.
I feel he doesnt support me in my decision and because we are not on the same page I can only see the relationship doomed!

countrygirl2014

Yes! That sums it up. Doomed. And I have a 6 year old daughter involved. I secretly wish a DWI on him a lot of nights, in hopes of a reality check.

Dee74

I think everyone becomes really aware of smell once we stop drinking and smoking.
I was going to say have you broached the subject with him but it seems this goes a little deeper than your original post suggested.

I would try and hold off aon any major life changes for a while until you get to know who sober Charlotte is and what she really wants (that kept changing for me daily for the first 90 days or so)

That being said, if you're sure you want out, it's best to start working on a plan B, I think - family, friends?

D

Rence

When working on your sobriety, it is VERY important to focus on yourself and your own shortcomings. Focus on the only thing that is within your control - yourself. The minute you start focusing on controlling that which you cannot control, others, you are setting yourself up for failure. I constantly keep this in my mind every day. It's something that I hear about all the time in AA and it is great advice. You can do this. Take care of yourself and all else will naturally fall into place. If you have to, get out by yourself more and make yourself scarce. He may begin to wake up when he sees you improve and become happier.

His personal hygiene is something you can talk to him about because that IS gross - especially this day and age where personal grooming practices are way above that of years ago

Waterwaver

I think as I am the one changing - he can either come along with me or else can be left behind, thats how I am seeing it now... I know I want a different way of life now and am determined to stay in this frame of mind. Even after 2 months my health has improved and my kids see a happier me. I was so tired of the same scenarios happening with drink.
I see drinking as a total time waster and life has so much more to offer... he cant see that, and the more he drinks the more i feel further apart from him - cant stand the smell off him, hate to share a bed, kiss etc..

countrygirl2014

I think you guys are great and dead on. My smell is enhanced. My daughter stinks now too, lol. And the dog...and just about everything. Dee, you are right. I will journal all if this, and stay put and stay positive. Maybe, he too will eventually follow. I need to accept the things I can't change. This nose thing is annoying!

trachemys

Meanwhile, buy some Febreeze. When I quit smoking I had to use a whole bottle on my truck interior. If you smoked in the house, you'll need to do the house, too. I even had to wash/clean some coats and jackets that I wore all the time.

countrygirl2014

Lol, take stock out on febreeze and those plug in things. I just bought a ton yesterday because I believe the house stinks too. Thankfully we do not smoke in the house. I had no idea drinking alcohol would screw up your sense of smell too. I quit smoking for 6 months last year, never quit drinking though, and yeah stuff smelled, but not like this.

hopeful4

Alcohol abuse is progressive. If was recently pointed out to me that a person who has cirrhosis of the liver really stinks, even after they shower. Just putting a mention out there as he may need to see a doctor if he is willing. Of course, since he is not taking care of his hygene the shower point is moot.

biminiblue

Yeah, lack of food and systemic health problems cause the odors.


Yuck. Good luck with that.



*is again grateful to be living alone.*

Anna

I think you're right. We are in denial when drinking, but the denial goes much deeper than just the alcohol. I paid almost no attention to my physical health when I was drinking and in early recovery I found I had a lot to catch up on. Your senses are re-awakening and so is your mind.

Aellyce

This must be a very difficult situation for you, countrygirl... I am sorry that you need to deal with the progression of his drinking problem while yourself trying to recover.

I also experienced a dramatic amplification of some of my senses and perceptions in the first month of sobriety - some I enjoyed (suddenly the world was so rich and colorful!) but some were overwhelming and frightening. I think it's because many processes in our brains go on overdrive after a long time of being sedated by alcohol. You may notice that your perception of smells dampen somewhat with more sober time as you adjust to it more.

In the meantime, like others said, try to focus on yourself and maybe think about how you could possibly get away from this situation in case it does not improve - he is your fiance after all - I would definitely reconsider any more commitment to him.

Good luck and take care of yourself!

EndGameNYC

This is true. The onset of bad breath and bodily odors often indicates liver damage and/or damage to other internal organs.

He needs to see a doctor.

soberclover

I had to smile when I read your post as I could relate. My bf is still drinking while I am not. He is also a smoker; I quit that at the same time I quit drinking as well. I find I'm somewhat more tolerant of the smell now that I have almost 2 years. I, however, don't hold back when it is just ridiculous. He doesn't have the priorities like I do I've realized...and accepted. I have to tell him sometimes it is too much for me. We don't live together and never will. I LOVE having my own place. Don't be afraid to set some boundaries for yourself. I also learned how to sleep comfortably on the couch when I needed to if he was staying over Sitting together watching a movie is ok but sleeping next to someone who smells like alcohol...nope.

countrygirl2014

Soberclover, it's so nice to not be alone in this.
He does need to see a doctor. I totally agree. I think the best thing for me right now would be waiting for the time to bring that up. It's bad enough I've been attacking him with the you stink comments. I'll worry about me for now. The time will come.